Many sisters who come to see Si Jie first think about how to make their husbands turn back after their husbands cheat:
"Sister Si, my husband has cheated on me, how can I get him back?"
"Sister Si, my husband said he was in love with someone else, what should I do, can I still make him fall in love with me again?"
"Sister Si, I desperately begged him not to leave, not to leave me, but how could he be so cruel, is it true that our feelings for more than ten years are fake?"
"Sister Si, should I do this?"
……
Encountering infidelity, your fear and helplessness, your panic and helplessness, Sister Si can understand.
Yes, anyone who faces a sudden separation from an intimate relationship is painful, it's like separating your flesh and blood without anesthesia, and the pain is so severe that you never want to experience it a second time.
So, you desperately want the man to come back, you don't care if he is cheating, whether he is in love with someone else, it seems that these things are insignificant in the face of the question of whether he can come back.
As if, as long as he can come back, all this pain can be gone, and all your problems can be solved:
He comes back and you don't have to endure the pain of loss;
He's back and you don't have to be labeled a marriage loser;
When he returns, your home can be saved;
He's back, and you have someone to lean on again...
In order to make him turn back, you can be said to have racked your brains, you ignore your own pain, put down your self-esteem and pray for him, kneel and lick him, but what you get is more disgust, and a cold face;
You pin your hopes on your in-laws, you think that the mother-in-law who usually has a good relationship with yourself will definitely uphold justice for you this time, put pressure on the man, and let him turn back, but she comes to tell you that the crux of the problem lies in you, men are the same, as long as you are kind to him, care more about him, he will come back.
So, your heart is really confused, is he cheating because I don't care enough about him?
Is it because I didn't do my job as a wife?
But why did I try so hard to please him, but I didn't get a little response from him?
Is Little Three really better than I did?
And so you fall into endless self-doubt.
Such a you really makes Sister Si very distressed, obviously you have not done anything wrong.
So the question is, after the husband cheats, what is he thinking, and what should we do?
01 Men who have cheated many times are reluctant to divorce, not because of love, just because of profit.
Many of the sisters' husbands say that they still love her, and they say that they will no longer be separated from each other in the future, and they must be with her well, in fact, everything is just a pretext for not divorcing.
Now men are not fools, he does not let go of both ends, in fact, the most loved is himself.
The woman over there is for him to enjoy pleasure and take care of life when he is sent abroad;
The wife here is left to take care of the children, and when she is old, she wipes herself in front of the bed to feed herself;
There is no conflict between the two women, while enjoying the joy of love, while complying with popular ethics, which is the real reason for not divorcing.
Therefore, Si Jie has repeatedly stressed that the marriage of cheating looks at interests.
The Trap of Love describes it this way: "When strong feelings arise, you are like a robot without autonomous consciousness, at the mercy of autopilot modes. ”
Your strong inner denial, the fear of not being loved, makes it difficult for you to calm yourself.
We think that men should not have the right to cheat, but when the man's guilt period is over, his last patience is exhausted, and the two people are completely caught in the power struggle.
Both sides are arguing on the basis of reason, trying to convince each other with their own views to prove that they are right.
In fact, behind all the negative emotions, there is a shadow of the thinking of "should".
He should take on my negative emotions, he should accept my accusations and complaints, and finally the power war starts and the wife misses the initiative.
So being emotional will accelerate your fall into a deep pit.
Finally, when patience reaches a certain limit and he feels that the punishment has been enough, he will start to fight back.
He will begin to excuse his own infidelity: "I cheated because of your arrogant and unreasonable appearance!" "You're not finished, is it fun all day, have you ever thought about it?"
Here the wife either goes straight into bargaining mode, and when she hears him reveal that she wants to divorce, she starts to shut up and stop, and at the same time carries out some kneeling and licking behaviors for fear of his departure.
By this time, the initiative had already begun to shift.
Another is to continue to argue and fight until finally the man can't stand this family atmosphere and chooses to leave completely. Of course, some men will throw themselves into the warm embrace of Xiao San at this time, and then go to the road of forced departure.
In any case, the wife has gone from the very beginning to the high position, because she did not control her words and actions and emotions, and finally fell to a low position.
02 No matter how perfect the wife becomes, it cannot be less desired by men
Sister Si here has asked me more than once:
"Why do men just like to cheat?"
"Is cheating so addictive?"
"Is infidelity really the difference between 0 and 100 times?"
......
My answer is: Yes.
Many sisters fall into a misunderstanding:
"The more I care about him, the more love I give him, the more he can stop cheating."
"If I become white and beautiful, he will no longer cheat."
"If I pay a little more, he will be able to find out in his conscience and feel sorry for me."
.....
But is that really the case?
No, such sisters are trapped in the trap of "paying will be rewarded".
The reality is that giving is voluntary. Whether or not to reciprocate is his business, you can't influence it.
For example, do you think that hard work and diligence will lead to a promotion and a raise?
No, right?
Hard work is what you ask of yourself, and whether or not to give you a promotion and a raise is the boss's right.
The things that work more but don't get promoted, those who work less but are promoted happen every year, don't they?
This is the reality of society, and it is also the psychologist Adler's theory of subject separation: your effort is your problem, and his infidelity is his problem.
The reason for his subject must be in him, not in you.
So, you ask, can he restrain his desires from cheating again?
According to the theory of subject separation, only this man can decide whether he will cheat again or not, not that you can decide about it.
03 Helpless to forgive, want to prevent men from cheating again? Work
According to a large number of case evidence, easy to forgive men can not be exchanged for men's cherishing, but expose their inseparable cards.
At this time, the man is in a high position in the relationship, and it is difficult to pay more attention to this wife who does not abandon it.
The inadequacy of human nature will also increase the probability of a man's second infidelity, because he has not paid any price for his own fault.
And the wife may be in a state of fear, this kind of forgiveness that is not from the heart, but also with some hidden tolerance and grievances.
From the words of thousands of sisters in the group, it can be seen that many sisters, after discovering that their husbands have cheated, still have a trace of expectations for men, and long for men to repent.
Pinning your happiness on others is also binding yourself to this.
But, will men change?
Countless cases have been told that the cheater cannot stop until he pays a terrible price.
But this desire to change his heart has put the woman into a more passive situation.
Because of her own lack of independence, her own financial and emotional dependence on men, in addition to making men more and more fierce to her, do not cherish, but also let her in the delusion to change men, gradually lose herself.
You want the man to change back to the way he was, you want him to stop cheating, you want to control him, and the person who is ultimately controlled becomes you.
When you see him temporarily express remorse and make a lost look, you feel that he has really changed, which makes you feel that there is hope for the future again. You are willing to give affection for this, tolerate him, forgive him.
Yes, he just did a little trick and let you break the bottom line.
When you are full of expectations, he breaks your illusions again, and makes you lose your confidence again.
Isn't the practice of slapping a sweet date so repeatedly, slapping it, not a typical PUA? Good to the extreme, bad to the extreme, let you be completely out of control under his destruction, subject to him.
Your emotional focus has fallen on him. He's good to you and you're grateful to him. He's bad for you, you doubt him.
You will be completely inseparable from him, like falling into a trap he has created.
Do you want to prevent men from cheating again?
He easily grasps your emotions, how can you control and change his behavior?
In Simonard De Beauvoir's Monologues, there is a description of this:
"I used to think I knew who I was, who he was, and suddenly I didn't know us, I didn't know him, I didn't know me. ... My whole life, at this moment, was broken. Like an earthquake, when you run away, the earth engulfs itself and disappears from under your feet. You have no way back. ”
04 Three tricks to teach you to see the sunshine again from the cheating marriage
1. Acceptance
Many people who have been paying attention to Si Jie are a little tired of this point, but Si Jie still has to keep stressing, because almost all the cheaters can't accept reality when looking for Si Jie.
They still put expectations on each other, and finally keep disappointing themselves, and eventually continue to fall into the emotional vortex.
It's not so much about not accepting it, for example, not wanting to admit it.
I don't want to admit that we did choose the wrong person, which does not mean that we are denying ourselves, but life is full of various choices, and it is perfectly normal to choose the wrong person.
Only this time, the choice made us pay a huge price.
So we don't want to admit it, for fear of denying what we have.
If you think the same way, then please think about it, when you are relieved, you think about these things, you will only remember the growth that this incident brought you, and no longer grit your teeth at the pain that the other party brought to you at that time.
You will feel that you did choose the wrong choice that year, the obsession is too deep, in fact, marriage is just a choice, some people are right, maybe lucky, but they chose the wrong one, there is also a lot of growth, it is also a kind of luck.
Thinking can have both negatives and positives.
It's already happened, and whether I deny it or not, he's already happened, isn't he? Escape can't solve the problem, so be brave to face it.
If you can't face it, then look at Si Jie's article and listen to many sisters say that it has a certain effect on relieving emotions.
In addition, everyone must face a reality, a person who loves you, loyalty will be the bottom line, can not keep the bottom line, how much can you love?
2. Focus on yourself
The sisters in the Si sister group are familiar with the Three Character Classic: no attention, no expectation, no accusation, no complaint.
Accusing and complaining can't solve their heart disease, there will be more emotions, let yourself jump into the whirlpool, it is not worth it; not paying attention to and not expecting, is to reduce their attention, but also to maintain stability of emotions.
It's not easy to do that, indeed.
When he went on a date with Three behind your back, when he chatted passionately with Three, I knew that each original match was like being slashed by a thousand knives, and his heart ached.
It's like he took a knife and slashed mercilessly at your heart. He can't feel your pain, and you have to digest it on your own.
It's like a boiled frog in warm water, making yourself feel bad.
When you look at him, his every move will affect your emotions.
He has recently fallen in love with you, do you think that the light has returned, is he going back to the family? After a few days, he was cold to you again.
You realize, oh, maybe he just had a fight with Three the other day, and now he's back in Three's arms.
Torturous? Painful?
You are being led by his nose and have no initiative, so if you are, please look back at the detailed article of the Si Jie Three Character Classic.
Everyday time together, just when each other has divorced, he has the right to do anything, you just need to always remind yourself, what is the most important thing about yourself at the moment?
To live for yourself, to work hard for yourself, right?
It is simple to say, and some original partners will say that I don't want to pay attention to him, but I just can't control it, what to do?
So Sister Si would like to ask the sisters, what were you doing before you got married? Do you have a purpose in life? What kind of person do you want to be? Have you really reached the age of having more than enough and not enough?
Make a detailed plan for yourself and then work hard to implement it.
It is not easy to make money, it is not easy to be independent, it is not easy to succeed, it is not easy to forget, it is not easy to be positive, and what you get belongs to you, the most down-to-earth, the most secure.
You can still live well without each other, you don't need to rely on anyone, you can live, can't you?
Blindly immersed in the loss of gain and loss, losing yourself, the light on the body has disappeared, this is not what you want to be.
So be positive and be brave to face it.
3. Build capital that can leave
When it comes to leaving capital, in fact, all the above content is very clear, nothing more than emotional independence, economic independence, and spiritual independence.
In the original hit drama "Thirty Only", Zhao Jingyu, the so-called "original match" of The Sea King, said that he had been in captivity for seven years and had been attached to men. Because of this, she has been on the road to driving away various third parties.
Once people go to the slippery slope and enjoy the slippery slope, they will slowly lose some things, make some sacrifices, you don't need to be those very capable women, you just need to improve a little bit every day, and you are no longer yesterday's self.
Sometimes don't think about winning over everyone, winning over yourself, it's very good.
Finally, Si Jie hopes that you can have the ability to make yourself happy, not any marriage is worth saving, provided that the other party is worth saving.
For those who are not worthy, it is the best policy to boldly step out of this decaying siege, and if the wings are not yet full, then getting along in the mode of a partner will not be affected in any way.
Marriage is like a walled city, people on the outside want to go in, people on the inside want to come out.
The point is, do you have the ability to come out?