At one o'clock in the morning, Huang Xiaotao, who was more than four years old, had not yet slept. Mom was sitting across from her, her face was very bad, and her mood was on the verge of collapse.
What made the mother and daughter stay up late was a recitation assignment.
Huang Xiaotao couldn't memorize it, and her mother, who called herself a "perfectionist", let her carry it over and over again, and as for how many times she had memorized it, Huang Xiaotao and her mother couldn't remember it.
Having a 4-year-old do their homework over and over again until one o'clock in the morning is a horrible thing in itself. What is even more terrifying is the mother's actions after the emotional breakdown:
"There's no way, I'll smoke myself!"
Huang Xiaotao made a mistake on her back, and her mother slapped herself.
Huang Xiaotao, who was just going to complete his homework, seemed to be sitting on the burning rack at this time. She was so horrified that every time her mother slapped herself, it was as if she had been slapped too.
This 4-year-old child does not yet know how to express his inner fears, worries and guilt. But we can guess from another child how uncomfortable it is for a child to see her mother hurt herself because she is not studying well.
In the previous hit drama "Little Shed", Mi Tao was a heart-wrenching child.
The young age is very sensible, seeing that her parents are worried about the high training fee, she is not sensible, and she guarantees that her grades can catch up.
The skirt I like does not dare to squeak, and can only use "blue, not resistant to dirt" to prevaricate.
She did not dare to say what she wanted in her heart, and the adults saw that Mi Tao was very sensible and let the children follow her example.
In fact, Mi Tao is very inferior, left behind as a child, and has not seen the vast world since she was a child, making it difficult for her to open her heart among her classmates.
The root cause of inferiority comes from parents, who always say in front of Mi Tao, "How much money your parents spend for you, you have to fight for it."
The words of her parents made Mi Tao feel guilty, and she was burdened with the pressure of not belonging to her age, studying hard and getting ahead. Don't dare to lose your temper, don't dare to be willful, don't dare to say your inner grievances.
This is doomed to problems, and in the original work, Mi Tao dropped out of school due to too much pressure and depression.
Parents adopt a guilt education approach and want their children to be motivated to learn, which is effective in the short term. However, this practice can bring great pressure to the child and lead to tragedy.
A netizen shared the story of her friend, her mother is a full-time housewife. Every time my friend's grades dropped, my mother would say, "I gave up my job because of you, and you still haven't given me good grades." ”
She can only study hard every day, and when her grades are not good, she hides the test papers and does not tell her mother.
Once, when her mother knew that she had not told her the grades, she was furious and said that she had sacrificed for her children. She couldn't hold back the psychological pressure and committed suicide.
The story of friends makes people sigh, and the parents' guilt education is an emotional kidnapping.
Use love to control your child's behavior. Over time, children are like "marionettes" in the hands of adults who do not have their own thoughts and dare not express their needs.
Teacher Tang, a blogger in children's education, said:
"Guilt-based education makes it difficult for children to grow up, he does not dare to have his own ideas and will, but as long as he pleases and obeys others, he obtains the space, value and meaning of his own existence in pleasing and obeying."
Parental guilt education allows children to obey their parents' will and suppress their own needs and ideas. Children are easy to please others in the future, it is difficult to be themselves, and they can get a happy life.
01
Guilt is the "barometer" of morality
Let's start by looking at what guilt is.
It is a feeling of shame and uneasiness that a person has really done wrong, or imagined to do something wrong, because he has violated his conscience, and it is a kind of moral emotion.
In order not to be morally punished and to eliminate feelings of guilt, people often make positive efforts to make amends, such as apologizing, caring for others, or satisfying others' wishes.
Just like a small child pushing down another child, seeing the other party wow and crying, the child will feel very guilty, and then comfort the other party and help each other up.
So, having a proper sense of guilt proves that the person has moral requirements and is a mentally healthy person, and on this level, guilt can be equated with "introspection." Conversely, people who do not have a sense of guilt or have a lower sense of guilt are more likely to do something immoral.
There was once a study showing that people with low levels of guilt are more likely to lie or engage in dishonest behavior, such as entering movie theaters and parks without buying tickets. People with high levels of guilt are less likely to lie or do immoral things, and more honest in business negotiations and decisions.
Imagine two people around you:
A. Be honest and friendly, and pay attention to the feelings of others
B. Lie and speculate, only consider your own feelings
Who would you choose to be friends with?
There is no doubt that A must be more popular.
Therefore, people with high levels of guilt are also more likely to make friends, integrate into the group, have stronger teamwork and collaboration skills, and have a higher degree of happiness in life.
In general, many parents believe that making a child feel "guilty" is to make him a better person.
For example, it is not easy for parents to earn money, so that children know that they are diligent and thrifty;
Say that parents pay a lot for their children's schooling, so that children know how to work hard;
Say the bitterness of mom and dad's work, let the child know gratitude;
Say that the hardships of parents' lives make children empathetic and considerate of others.
In fact, there is nothing wrong with this, whether it is thriftiness, self-motivation and responsibility, gratitude or consideration for others, are virtues, and they are also necessary conditions for a person to successfully enter society and integrate into the community.
So why does a slapped mother arouse the disgust of so many people?
Because she made a mistake of being too late: thinking that the more guilty a child is, the more moral and self-motivated she is.
But in fact, excessive guilt does more harm than good.
02
Excessive guilt is manipulating the child's remote control
In the documentary "Your Child Is Not Your Child", there is an episode called "Mom's Remote Control". The mother in the film gets a magical remote control that can control her child's every move.
In reality, such a remote control does not exist. But in fact, parents already have an invisible remote control in their hands:
Show weakness in front of the child, show that you are hurt, make the child feel guilty, and then let the child apologize, listen to his own words, and be a good child.
This practice, known in psychology as guilt inducement, refers to one party first indicating that they are hurt, inducing the other party to feel guilty, prompting them to apologize, care, make up for their own actions, in order to achieve their own goals.
"Without you, your dad and I would have divorced a long time ago"
"If it weren't for you, I would be so tired?"
"Because of you, I gave up my job I loved"
I believe that the above words are not difficult for you to hear. The speaker has no intention, the listener has a heart. Not to mention sensitive children. What does the child think?
They'll think, "I'm terrible, I made my mom like this, I'm a stumbling block for my parents." Finally live with a sense of guilt.
It is undeniable that every parent loves their children, but they will always use the wrong way. These words do not have a positive effect, they are a kind of poisonous love.
I remember a friend saying something. Once, when she came home from vacation, her father said he would take her to eat KFC. She rarely ate meat at school, and she was very happy.
When it was time for a good meal, Dad said to her, "Hey, do you know how much this meal cost me?" I really don't think about it for my sake. "The friend just ate the meat in his mouth and fell out.
She looked at her father in amazement and thought, "Did I do something wrong?" Why do I order so much? "I'm in no mood to eat anymore. Originally a happy meal, I was disturbed by my father's words.
Later, every time I saw KFC, my friend would remember what dad had said. When others invite guests to dinner, they never take the initiative to order food. His life was much more careful.
Friends and fathers definitely want to make children happy and eat well, but the words that can be said make friends feel that their fathers are self-sacrificing, which gives friends huge psychological pressure, and it is easy to bring inferiority and pleasing personality to children.
Writer Liu Na said: "The biggest problem of Chinese parent-child is that parents can't put their desperate and helpless selves, in the name of 'it's not for you, I sacrificed myself', so that children can live a life of guilt and grievance." ”
If you love children, please don't say anything for the sake of children, every child does not want their parents to sacrifice anything for themselves. Instead, children want to see parents who live out their own lives.
It is also a hard life, and the practice of a single mother in "The Boy Says" is exemplary.
Li Chuhao, a junior high school student from the countryside, has divorced his parents since he was a child, and his mother works outside alone.
After taking her to the city to study, her mother worked harder, did everything, and even worked several jobs a day, but she never complained to her son about the hardships of life.
All this son saw in his eyes, and she took advantage of this activity to confess:
"Mom, I beg you to take more care of yourself, take care of your body, please mend more and buy a few good clothes, I will buy my own vegetables and cook, I can manage my own studies, I will not envy those rich classmates, because I know that I have a mother who loves me very much." 」
Mom responded with tears in her eyes:
Although outsiders feel that their mother is bitter, as long as you are there, your mother does not feel bitter. You have to remember that you are not an appendage of anyone, you should have your own life, you should be like a bird, with your own blue sky.
After listening to the mother's words, I understand that children who can truly understand the well-intentioned parents never rely on passive guilt, but active empathy, heartache and understanding from the bottom of their hearts.
The same is true of learning, the formation of long-term internal drive, can not rely on manipulating guilt to help children complete.
In Erikson's eight-stage theory, children can already experience guilt at the age of 3 to 6.
Initiative is formed if the child's active inquiry behavior is encouraged.
Conversely, if adults give negative feedback on this active exploration, the child's sense of guilt will exceed the sense of initiative.
Then young children will gradually lose confidence, making them more inclined to live in the narrow circle arranged for them by others, and lack the initiative to create a happy life for themselves.
Children who are manipulated by guilt tend to become inferior, sensitive, self-aggressive, and form a flattering personality.
Severe cases even fall into depression, leading to suicidal behavior.
"Guilt" is second only to the most negative energy "shame" among the negative emotions in the psychological hierarchy of emotional energy.
Most parents underestimate the harm that their children feel in creating guilt.
On the road of parenting, there is never a shortcut, and hard work is the norm.
At any time, don't forget that the child is an independent individual, and once you think of controlling and kidnapping people's hearts by routine, you are doomed to estrangement.
For children, it is the beginning of tragedy.
Loving, respecting, and accepting these positive feedbacks is the nourishment that nourishes children's growth.
Mother Dragon had also unconsciously said such things to Brother Long, and later read books on psychological education, realized her own problems and resolutely tried to correct them.
Because I understand that even unconscious language is very likely to cause harm to Brother Long.
Moreover, any interpersonal relationship is taboo to complain while giving, and the sooner it is corrected, the better.
03
Broken self, there is no way to repair
Why are parents who are so arrogant in their daily lives willing to show weakness and show their wounds at this time?
Susan Forward, author of "Emotional Blackmail," explains it this way:
"Only by nakedly exposing the sore spot to others can the means of emotional blackmail work."
Letting a child see the wounds of his parents is the best "guilt inducement".
Just like the mother who slapped the face, the child can't recite it, she didn't think about it, whether the child can't recite it because the pressure is too stressed, or the child is too late, the child is too sleepy, or the child doesn't understand the content of the homework?
She is just anxious to transfer the responsibility for her emotional loss of control to the child, so she uses the way of slapping the child to clearly see that she is injured, so that the child feels guilty and bears the responsibility that does not belong to her.
So, in fact, the child bears two guilts:
The guilt of not being able to memorize homework and the guilt of hurting my mother.
Under excessive guilt, the child will definitely work harder and more nervously, and the effect of the endorsement is not satisfactory, so this mother has slapped herself a lot in succession.
More details, Chang Dad is not clear. But how much pressure Huang Xiaotao endured in that scene was clear at a glance. After that night, the task of memorizing homework was completed, but the torture of excessive guilt on Huang Xiaotao had just begun.
Studies have shown that excessive guilt can lead to intense self-aggression, putting people into depression or stress disorders, excessive flattery, low self-esteem, sensitivity, and easy nervousness.
Hong Kong writer Ma Jiahui mentioned a small incident in his childhood:
When I was young, the family conditions were average, my father bought a mango, and the family of seven people ate it. The youngest, Ma Jiahui, was the youngest.
The mango was so delicious that Ma Jiahui secretly saved his pocket money to buy a mango. At night, when the family has all gone to sleep, they will eat alone.
Unexpectedly, my father got up in the middle of the night and found his behavior of stealing food, which he said was selfish.
What I didn't expect was that after that, my father mentioned this matter when he had nothing to do, "three thousand times."
Since then, he has developed a deep sense of guilt about eating, so that he has become famous and is still a "cold eater".
Although he can afford any kind of food, he still feels that he is not worthy.
The "guilt" at this time is equal to "shame", which is a toxic pressure for children to completely deny themselves.
What should parents do to make children feel guilty and not to let children have excessive guilt?
04
Just talk about things, just click
Speaking of this question, the first word that Chang Dad thought of was:
Constructive feedback, constructive feedback.
The premise of making children feel guilty is that children realize that they have made mistakes; the premise of letting children eliminate guilt is that they know what to do to make up for mistakes and reduce harm to others.
The ultimate direction of these two points is "constructive feedback", on the one hand, to respond correctly to the child's performance, on the other hand, to provide the child with constructive advice, so that they know what is right.
In this way, children can take the initiative to reflect, take responsibility, and learn how to relieve bad emotions.
Therefore, when parents find that their children are wasting food, do not know gratitude, and hurt others, do not rush to criticize the child's selfishness and white-eyed wolf, but ask yourself a question before opening your mouth:
"How do I give him constructive feedback?"
Such a question can make your thinking shift from criticism to reflection.
In fact, there is a simpler but more difficult way to make your child a better person: you become the better person yourself.
Teaching by example is always the best way to educate.
I once saw a video on the Internet where a young boy in Chengdu accidentally saw his mother's English notes when she was studying for a master's degree.
The notes are informative and neatly written.
The boy cried when he looked at it, not because his mother criticized him for "not studying well", but because the boy cried guiltily.
Because at that moment, he found that his mother also had to study, and her mother studied so seriously and so hard.
The boy choked up and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't study well." ”
There was no jumping off the building, no complaints, no slaps, and this mother used her own actions to let the children see what it was like to study well.
In fact, even if you don't say it, children who don't do well in the test and haven't completed their homework are already very guilty. Because people are born with the self-drive to become better. At this time, what parents have to do is to show their children the experience of people who have come over and give them guidance.
Your anger and collapse are not because of your child's grades and academic performance, nor is it the child's fault, but the product of your failure to control your emotions. This responsibility should be borne by the parents and should not be transferred to the children.
Finally, put on Hu Shi's letter to his son, and ask parents to take it out and read it from time to time for self-examination:
I'm not your prequel, and you're not a sequel to me.
You are an independent individual, a soul different from Me; you are not here for Me, you are here for the desire for life.
You are free, I love you, but I will not control your life "in the name of love."
Just think about it, all the premises you make him feel guilty and choose to obey are because he loves you, and you can't bear to add a little guilt to him.
Of course, we all love children, but sometimes we use the wrong method when we don't know it, click "watching", and give ourselves a promise: start today, try to control children without guilt education.
05
How to not feel guilty about parenting
Looking at the comments of netizens, he shared that his mother chatted with others, and others said, "You see, it's all because of you, your mother is so tired at work."
His mother retorted on the spot: "Without him, I would have worked hard." ”
Netizens said that when he listened to his mother's words, he felt that his mother's image in his heart was much taller.
Mom's non-"self-sacrificing effort" gave him growth nourishment and gave him the strength to be himself.
So what do we do specifically, so that the child does not feel guilty?
1, accept that children are not perfect
A while ago, Professor Ding of Peking University complained that the child was not as good as his own video. He and his wife are both Kochi, but the children are mediocre, much worse than themselves.
Professor Ding said: "What should children do like this, they can only accept." Children are likely to become ordinary people. ”
When we accept that our children are imperfect and ordinary, we are less anxious.
Accepting that children are imperfect is not letting children go their own way. Instead, we need to see more of what children are doing well.
The child has poor grades, but he has high emotional intelligence. The child is introverted, but he is very focused. Let us look at children with an inclusive mindset, and children can stimulate their potential in an inclusive environment.
2. Put expectations on yourself and be a role model for your children
Instead of giving the child a feeling of guilt and giving the child motivation through external forces, parents should stimulate the child's internal drive and let the child spontaneously become better.
And being a role model for children is the best way to educate.
A young man left a message on Zheng Yuanjie's Weibo: How to educate your children?
Zheng Yuanjie appeared and said, he said: "I never say that you have to work hard, I always say to myself Zheng Yuanjie, you have to work hard, you have children, and then I will try to show the children and make the poor and white family rich." ”
Be a child's role model, give children a "moisturizing and silent" education, and have a subtle effect on children.
Yin Jianli, a childcare expert, once said: "Children are no small things, and all small things are big things for children." ”
This requires parents to learn more scientific parenting knowledge, to understand children, only after reading children, you will not blindly go to the road with parents, you will not want to lose your temper with your children.
Let's learn more, don't say things that make children feel guilty, and give children a healthy growth environment. Be a better parent together.
What do you think about that?