Imagine such a scene, the husband's annual salary is tens of millions, daily expenses are free, and he lives in a luxury villa with a high-level nanny.
Even if you suddenly want to start a business, all the formalities are handled by the husband, which sounds a bit "perfect".
This is exactly the plot of the recent hit "The Perfect Companion".
However, the heroine of this configuration, Wu Min, is very dissatisfied, all kinds of "fancy demonization", and even asks for divorce.
Many viewers, even if they were very sympathetic to her at first, could not help shouting in the end: "This is too much!" ”
However, one can't help but ask:
What is Wu Min, who sits on the life that most people dream of, "doing"?
Behind the "fancy demon",
It is the inner child who needs to be seen
Wu Min in the play, after graduation, willingly gave up her career to become a housewife, and her husband Lin Qingkun made an appointment with one responsible for earning money to support the family, and the other responsible for husbands and godsons.
However, as Lin Qingkun's career flourished, he began to be absent from family life.
Once, the child suffered from food poisoning and her husband lost contact on the plane, and Wu Min fell into a state of collapse and could only hysterically stare at the mobile phone.
This plot moved many viewers and understood her helplessness and pain as a mother.
When Wu Min fell into pain countless times and her husband turned a blind eye, she gradually realized that she was only an appendage of her husband, with no sense of existence and value.
In order to prove her worth, she wanted to start a custody class: "I must do a good job, I want Lin Qingkun to see that I can do other things in addition to taking children." 」 ”
However, later things became more and more outrageous.
She deliberately concealed her husband Lin Qingkun, but instead went to ask for the help of outsider Sun Lei, so that her husband misunderstood.
While managing the nursery, she accidentally slid down the stairs and miscarried, and her husband hired a senior nanny to take care of her. She felt that her husband was depriving her of her function as a housewife and was trying to get rid of the nanny.
Her husband's long-term absence and indifference caused her to lose faith in the marriage and offer to divorce.
However, when her husband gave her the house, child support, the rent of the care class, and even the custody of the children, she resisted and insisted on leaving the house.
Lin Qingkun did not understand why he worked day and night, giving his wife absolute trust and freedom, but everything was so out of control.
When Wu Min once again made unreasonable trouble, he couldn't help but erupt:
"Where did that empathetic Wu Min go before, and I don't know what you want now!"
Wu Min said with tears after he left: "What I want is for you to really see me." ”
It turns out that this is the reason why Wu Min has been "doing":
I want to be seen and noticed, but in the most incomprehensible way.
Jung said, "Each of us has an inner child in our hearts, and this child is the ungrown, unpacified part of our hearts." ”
This inner child will not disappear as we age, but will hide in the corners of our hearts forever.
She longs to be seen, to be comforted, to be loved.
If he does not receive the corresponding attention, he will make unreasonable trouble, burst out all kinds of bad emotions, and win the attention of others in extreme forms and words.
Wu Min wants her husband to see herself, to find a trace of evidence of existence and love, which is exactly what her inner child needs to be seen.
However, like a child who is difficult to clearly state her needs, she can only brush up on her sense of existence in the form of extremism and rogueism, and crave attention.
The neglected inner child was crying and roaring, stirring up the happiness and tranquility that should have been there.
The unhealed inner child,
It will make the tragedy repeat itself
Psychologist Adler said: "Lucky people are cured of childhood all their lives, while unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives." ”
All the injuries that people have encountered will leave deep or shallow scars in the depths of their hearts, and these scars will always grow with our lives.
In the book Reconciliation with the Inner Child, it is said that:
"We are too proud, and after roughly bandaging it, we hide it deep and let it bleed and fester in the bottom of our hearts and pile up into mountains;
We use our strength to disguise ourselves, let the wound cover a thick layer of armor, and then run hard to be the winner of life;
We always want to soothe those wounds with money, honor, and material things, hoping that when we become strong enough, they will heal themselves. ”
There are a lot of people who think that if they run fast enough, they can leave that child behind.
In fact, the traumatized inner child is like the shortest board of life's barrel. It doesn't grow, and no matter how hard we try, we can't grow.
Wu Min in the play told her mother that she was going to give up her career to become a full-time wife.
Her mother said harsh words like a gambler to break off relations with her:
"If one day he doesn't want you, you won't get me a little sympathy."
Such a simple and rude way of treatment made Wu Min's inner child tremble and tremble from then on, like walking on thin ice.
She was enchanted, terrified of the tragic outcome.
After that, every time Lin Qingkun was absent, Wu Min's inner child would be extremely sensitive, and Han Mao towered to ask himself whether he was going to be abandoned.
When Lin Qingkun gambled during a quarrel, he said:
"Either you come back now or you never come back."
This sentence is exactly the same as what Mama Wu said when she broke off the relationship.
The moment triggered the child in Wu Min's heart who had been snubbed for a long time, and she seemed to hear the cursed verdict and collapsed in vain.
It can be seen that the inner child who is snubbed is like an emotional time bomb buried around us, which may be repeatedly detonated at any time.
Not only that, but the neglected inner child will also develop an attachment personality, the specific manifestation of which is special "doing".
They actually very much want someone to accompany them, but they don't know how to express it properly, but they attract each other's attention with all kinds of unreasonable words and deeds.
Like immature children, express "I want you to accompany me" in this way of "sprinkling and rolling". ”
I remember there was a consulting case.
The patient Xiaowen's father often does not reply to Xiaowen's mother, and eventually abandons Xiaowen and his mother without quitting.
After XiaoWen became a family when she grew up, her husband loved her very much, and the two of them also lived a sweet life.
She will only be anxious when her husband occasionally does not reply to messages in time, but she can basically get through it safely.
Once, however, because her husband was on a business trip for three months, he often couldn't reply to messages in time because of meetings.
The "abandoned" complex in Xiao Wen's heart was suddenly activated.
Her emotional state regressed to the time when the inner child was abandoned, and began to make a big fuss, making unreasonable trouble, and constantly imagining that the other party was unfaithful to her.
Childishly accusing the other party: "You don't love me anymore, you fall in love with someone else..."
Endless entanglement and doubt have sent their feelings in a sharp turn.
Her husband was very aggrieved and puzzled, why he was just on a business trip, he could make his once gentle and considerate wife's temperament change dramatically, like a stranger.
In fact, this is the trigger of the once repressed inner child.
The inner child who was once abandoned was never healed, but was left out in the dark corner of his heart, repeatedly savoring the pain of abandonment.
Until he encountered similar situations in his life, his pain defense mechanism sounded the alarm and began to bombard others with various extreme and extreme behaviors and words in an attempt to regain the attention of the other party.
Eventually put their feelings in a precarious state, repeating tragedies.
Is this inner child who can't get rid of really terrible?
In fact, no, he is just a warning of the emotional gap in your heart.
As long as you can heal your inner child, you can embrace your true self.
Healing the Inner Child,
Embrace your truest self
"The Little Prince" says: "All adults were once children, although only a few people remember." ”
Not only Wu Min in the play, but every one of us in life who can stand alone in society was once a child in need of love and attention.
It's just that growing up is so long that we all forget about it.
The inner child, wrapped in our hearts in a seemingly hard shell, did not want to touch.
But in the end, he was snubbed, but we all became small children.
When the appeal is not satisfied, it will become our out-of-control emotions;
When insecure, he becomes that sensitive and fragile nerve line;
When not reciprocated, he becomes a time bomb out of nothing.
He is like the "source of trauma" for all bad emotions, never ending.
So, how do you heal your inner child, reconcile with yourself, and embrace a new life?
Here are three tips:
I. From "Need to Be Seen" to "See Yourself"
Freud once said: "Man's actions are not made for no reason." ”
When a problem occurs, go inward and trace the root cause of the problem and talk to your own inner child:
"Honey, I'm angry, I'm suffering, I hope you know."
"Honey, I'm paying attention to your feelings and hope you know."
Open your heart and establish a sincere communication with your inner child, exploring his true needs, rather than basing intimacy on the other person's response.
Seeing yourself is the first step in healing the inner child.
Second, self-acceptance, playing the curse of longing to be recognized
Learn to listen to the inner child, using a blank piece of paper and a pen to list all the secret, painful, unbearable past events and wounds that the inner child has said.
Finding the wound is an important step in healing.
Appreciate and appreciate the patience and support of the inner child over the years, and fully accept their current situation.
Everyone is imperfect and has the courage to turn inward and accept themselves.
Not to be angry with others, not to desire others, in order to truly break the curse of being recognized, to embrace the most authentic self.
Third, learn to balance and become your own guide
Jung said, "The inner child is the light above all light, the leader of healing." ”
Seeing and accepting is like cleaning up a wound.
But if you just blindly listen and recognize, you will easily fall into the vortex of self-obsession.
We should also balance love and responsibility.
When an event occurs, put yourself in the shoes of the child inside to experience the pain and confusion of the child and guide him with positive mindfulness.
Tell him:
"Honey, I understand you, but it's our responsibility to do so."
"Honey, I've always been with you, but only by doing so can we grow together."
Only when the inner child is seen, accepted, and healed can we grow with us, and our hearts will truly feel happy.
Planning | Jiang Feng
Edit | Jiang Feng