"I'm Chinese New Year's Eve today, and I don't want to live like you want me to be, I don't want to live like that." In the recent hit drama "Female Psychologist", Jiang Jing shouted this sentence at her mother.
After 30 years of "falling in love and killing" with her mother, her emotions completely collapsed. Then the fiercest quarrel broke out. Jiang Jing ripped off the skirt her mother bought, smashed the whole house of things, and slammed it on the ground with her mother's favorite jewelry: "Now you are in pain!" And the mother who watched all this had unbelievable eyes in her eyes. She didn't understand how her daughter, who had given all her love and hard work, could make such a move. Angered, her mother locked Jiang Jing in the room. Jiang Jing, who has been suppressed for too long, sent a suicide note to her psychological counselor He Dun (Yang Zi) in an attempt to commit suicide by cutting her wrists. This scene also makes people wonder: obviously they should be the closest people to each other, why did they end up making such a terrible situation?
01
Every strong mom has a problem child
Jiang Jing in the play has been living under the control of her mother for 30 years, and she is miserable. From childhood to adulthood, what hairstyle to comb, what clothes to wear, what interest classes to choose, and what to eat three meals a day are all handled by my mother herself, and she is not allowed to make any objections. She obviously did not like to play the piano, but she was forced to practice for more than 10 hours a day, and she was not allowed to eat if she could not play well.
Every time I made a mistake, my mother on the side would shout over and over again. When Jiang Jing resisted slightly, he was greeted only with the humiliation of splitting his head and covering his face. Overloaded with training, her hands were covered with cocoons. When he was 10 years old, he played the piano for so long that he broke his fingers and spilled blood all over the keys.
After growing up, Jiang Jing was still controlled by her mother in an all-round way. She has no freedom of friends, and even the drumming she really likes is strictly prohibited. Once, after sneaking out to play drums and being discovered, her mother angrily asked Jiang Jing why she didn't tell herself when she went out: "You are the meat that fell from my body, you have to tell me what you do!" ”
This kind of suffocating love makes Jiang Jing feel pain, she loves her mother, but she also hates her mother. At first, she hid the leftovers and bottles under the bed, trying to let her mother see her inner resistance, but her mother did not care. Unable to vent her long-term negative emotions, she turned to self-aggression and developed binge eating disorder. It wasn't until she vomited blood because of her long-term vomiting that she attracted her mother's attention.
But even so, the mother's first reaction is to replace her daughter for psychological counseling. The mother's self-righteous love, paranoia about refusing to accept her daughter's status quo, and her desire to manipulate her child in a vain attempt eventually cause Jiang Jing to collapse in silence. Jiang Jing felt that she was a marionette in her mother's hand, with no thought, no freedom, and no soul.
Psychology author Li Xue said: "Where the parents' controlling hands reach, where the child will experience pain throughout his life." ”
They either choose to compromise and abandon resistance altogether, or they become increasingly rebellious and incompatible with their controllers.
Once met a girl at work. At the age of 23, she has gone through the process of having children, getting married, divorcing, and suffering from anxiety disorders. Looking at the way I wanted to talk and stop, she took the initiative to talk about her story. "In my mother's eyes, I was a failure." Growing up, mom was in full control of her life, making every decision for her and interfering in every detail of her life. "In her eyes, I am her appendage, and she has the final say, otherwise she will be beaten." The girl is submissive on the surface, but extremely depressed on the inside, so she begins to rebel against her mother's control in a rebellious way. Truancy, early love, early marriage, her life path completely deviated from the direction set by her mother. As for her resistance, she said: "She won't let me do anything, I have to do something." Only in this way can I break free of her control over me, and I can get out of the life track she designed and live the life I want. But rebellion also made herself suffer, and when others were successful in learning, she stepped into society early and tasted the bitterness and bitterness of life. Strong maternal love often takes the form of control.
Controlled children feel depressed like living in a cage in the name of love.
Long-term repressed emotions, constantly backlogged, often appear different psychological problems, affecting the child's life.
02
The absent father hastened mom's anxiety out of control
Jiang Jing grew up in a family where her father was missing. When she was very young, dad went abroad and never came back. In Mom's mouth, Dad is an irresponsible man who has not taken on responsibilities.
The departure of her husband left her daughter alone in her world. So she put all her energy and love into her daughter. She wanted to make her daughter what she wanted her to be. Because only Jiang Jing's excellence can soothe the pain brought to her by this failed marriage. As she often said to her daughter: "Mom just hopes that you are good, I hope that you will have a career in the future, none of us can rely on, we can also live well, you are still young, when you grow up, you will know your mother's intentions." ”
Once Jiang Jing did not meet her requirements, she would be anxious and emotionally out of control. A combination of inactive dads and extremely anxious moms is common in many families. I once saw a complaining sticker sent by a mother. The husband is a hand-throwing treasurer at home, and he has to go to work, buy vegetables and cook, take care of the children, and be busy. According to her description, she is a "single mother in marriage". And what bothers her the most is her child's learning. The son who is close to the middle school entrance examination, the grades are not up and down, and it is difficult to say whether he can be admitted to high school. Every big exam and small exam of her son touched her nerves. Once she did not pass the test, she was anxious and could not sleep. Every time she and her husband expressed their concerns, the other party said "you keep an eye on it." This kind of talk made her even more angry, as if the child was born to herself. Her mood is getting more and more irritable, and the little trifles of life will make her collapse out of control. At the end of the post, she said helplessly: "Now I am becoming more and more neurotic, feeling that there are countless things to worry about every day. But the harder I tried, the more my children hated me and felt that I was too tight. But if I don't care about him, who cares about him? To whom should I speak of my suffering? "But if the husband can share more, why do the mothers work so hard." There is no one behind him, and he must carry everything. They not only have to work, but also take care of the family, pay attention to the education of their children, and the pressure of multiple parties is enough to drive a mother crazy. That's why they try to control everything and project control onto their children, but in fact, they just want to fulfill their lack of security and satisfaction in marriage. However, this kind of love will not complete itself, and it will also ruin the child's life.
At the end of the day, it was the invisible dad who hurt two people.
03
The family model determines the appearance of the child
In the variety show "Diary of a New Student", Liu Xuan, the tiger mother, and the cat father Wang Tao cooperate with tacit understanding. Liu Xuan is responsible for taking care of her son's daily life, and she has always been strict, and has formulated a very careful and meticulous schedule for her son. Wang Tao is a single reed player, who undertakes the transmission of children's knowledge and the cultivation of hobbies. In the process of growing up, Wang Tao can understand Liu Xuan, respect her efforts, and shoulder family responsibilities with her. For example, when Liu Xuan was tutoring his son to practice writing, when his patience ran out and he almost became angry, Wang Tao took the initiative to hug his son to comfort him, and also gave his wife a time to breathe and calm.
While doing a good job as a father, he also shared the pressure of parenting for his wife. As education expert Sun Yunxiao said: "The influence of fathers and mothers is different, and both parents should become partners in their children's education and work hand in hand." ”
In a happy family, the role of the father cannot be ignored.
For boys, the father is an example for them to follow, to imitate their behavior naturally. And the girl learned how to get along with the opposite sex in an intimate relationship by getting along with her father.
Most importantly, mom's emotions are often inseparable from dad's love for mom.
In the Taiwanese drama "The Cultivation of Ordinary Women", Jia Ling's parents have a very good relationship. Whenever Jialing has a conflict with her mother, Jialing's father will come out to reconcile, while calming his wife's emotions, while telling her daughter about her mother's good intentions. At this time, Jia Ling's mother's anger will subside, because she can feel that her hard work is understood by her husband. The mother's emotions are stable, and the child has better room for growth, so as to grow into a physically and mentally healthy person. Just like Jia Ling, her personality is optimistic, confident, and very brave.
When she was a child, when she saw the big house and exquisite furniture of her classmates, she did not feel inferior, but thought that if her father often did not come home in order to make money, then no matter how big the house was, she would not be happy. After growing up, in order to resist the unreasonable demands of her boss at work, she resolutely chose to resign. Emotionally, when she meets a future mother-in-law who strongly interferes in her life, she can bravely end the relationship regardless of the troubles of age.
Being able to make these choices is not easy, and only those who are brave and confident enough can do it. Jia Ling is lucky because she grew up in a complete family of father and mother, and her heart is balanced and plump. We often say that children are like a mirror that reflects the appearance of the family.
Then the best family model is: a father who is not absent + a calm and calm mother, and raises a sunny child.
4
Words written at the end of the article
At the end of the plot, Jiang Jing told her mother: "Mom, no matter where I go in the future and what kind of life I live, I will never forget you." Because I love you more than anyone in this world. You are the only woman I love deeply, Mom, thank you. ”
The mother and daughter finally eased the contradiction after this heart-to-heart communication. But in reality, many children are still struggling, paying for the family model of "absent dad, anxious mom" all their lives. Raising children has never been a one-man one-man show, and it must rely on the cooperation and dedication of both parties.
A father who is not absent is a support for the mother, and the mother's mood is good, and the family atmosphere will be harmonious.
A calm and calm mother, pass on peaceful and healthy emotions to her children, so that they are full of security and happiness.
Parents do their part, and children can grow freely in love until they meet their best selves.