In marriage, there is a kind of partner who is sacrificial and dedicated, who does everything and seems to think less about himself, but will start and choose from the perspective of the other party.
He gave up his career and promotion to make his lover work better; he saved money to make his lover have a more comfortable enjoyment; he did not express his opinion, but to let his lover dominate the family; he rarely lost his temper with his lover, it was he who suppressed his emotions and feelings.
For example, Sun Lei in "The Perfect Partner".
Is such a partner good?
In the eyes of outsiders, such a partner cannot be found with a lantern. You think, if there is a person who is obedient to you and thinks of you in everything, is this not a blessing cultivated in several lifetimes?
But what do we want to live by when we get married? What we want is to support each other, care for each other, and have a deal to discuss when encountering things, rather than finding someone to accommodate us and sacrifice for us. What's more, many times, his sacrifice may not be what you need.
Just like Sun Lei, he was originally a high-achieving master's student, who could not only break through the world in his personal career, but also make a lot of contributions to society, but in order to take care of his family and make his wife better devote himself to work, he not only gave up promotion, but even the minimum job bowl could not be saved.
I say this, not that he takes care of the family and supports his wife is wrong, but that the two of them should try to find a balance, you have difficulties in your work, then say it, two people together to seek a solution, rather than you obviously can't coordinate, but full of promises to each other, saying that you work easily, you can take care of the family.
Sun Lei has been telling Chen Shan that his work is easy and free, and it is no problem to arrive late and leave early, so we have seen that until Sun Lei had a problem because of the experiment, Chen Shan still thought that the nature of his work and time were free. But when he lost his job, he said that he was not unintended, not incompetent, he was sacrificing for his family.
But if he had said it earlier, Chen Shan might not have needed him to sacrifice like this, and they might not have found a more suitable method. And his silent and silent practice of sacrificing alone nailed Chen Shan to the cross of morality, which not only made Chen Shan feel guilty in her heart, but also made everyone think that she was very "doing" and very ruthless.
Psychologically speaking, this kind of sacrificial and dedicated partner, he seems to be satisfying the other party, but in fact he is satisfying himself in this way. Subconsciously, he needs this kind of dedication for the other party to get satisfaction and moral superiority.
Such "good" is too terrible.
In "Perfect Partner", there is such a plot, Chen Shan's father is ill and admitted to the hospital, when filling out the form, Chen Shan does not understand his father's situation at all, while Sun Lei is very clear. Later, Sun Lei confessed to Chen Shan that for more than ten years, he had been secretly in contact with her father-in-law, and the two got along very well.
As a son-in-law, hiding his wife and filial piety to his father-in-law for more than ten years, this will be seen in the eyes of anyone, he will think he is very good. But why did he hide from his wife?
From the appearance point of view, the reason why Sun Lei hid chen shan was because Chen Shan was estranged from her father. Assuming that Sun Lei really thinks this way in his heart, then imagine, as a person who only joined this family later, can Sun Lei know more about the situation of their family than Chen Shan?
Ignoring his wife's feelings and the original facts, he went to be good to his father-in-law, although filial piety was commendable, but where did he put his wife?
From a deep level, Sun Lei concealed Chen Shan to filial piety to her father, which stood on the moral high ground again, you see, Chen Shan as her own daughter does not care about her father, but he as a son-in-law is so attentive, and in order to fear that she will stop him, he can only hide from her, how good this person is!
This is Sun Lei's subconscious need, he needs such "good".
What is even more excessive is that Sun Lei obviously knows that his father-in-law is unreliable, and he also knows that his father-in-law and mother-in-law divorced because of his unreliability, but when his father-in-law borrowed 500,000 yuan from him, he still agreed. In this matter, he also hid from his wife from beginning to end, until her wife found the IOU herself.
This is 500,000, not 500, or 50, leaving aside the unreliability of the father-in-law, not to mention, just as a marital debt, it is not right for him to hide from his wife. But it was precisely because this money was lent to her father-in-law, so it was obvious that he was wrong, and Chen Shan could not say anything, because he was for her father.
How terrible do you see the "good" of such a partner? It will make you have bitter words, and there are reasons that are difficult to argue. You accept it, others say you are cold-blooded and ruthless; you don't accept it, everyone says you don't know what to do. What you do is wrong, you are the debtor in this marriage.
Really "good" in marriage.
In fact, none of us dislike partners who can think and pay for us, those who are accommodating, caring, and tolerant of us, of course, we can't ask for it. The key is how much and how you give and accommodate.
A good partner, he will accommodate each other, but also to the other party to express their opinions and ideas, when he encounters problems, instead of telling the other party "you decide, I will listen to you", but will say to the other party: "I think this should be done, but also need to listen to your opinion".
When he pays for the other party, he will first consider whether the other party needs this kind of payment, rather than thinking that he should pay this way. For example, when he supports the other party, he will do what he can, for example, tomorrow there is a very important meeting, he will tell the other party that she needs to take care of the child that day, rather than telling the other party that he is completely fine, and then push the responsibility to the other party.
The real "good" in a marriage is that the other person thinks you are good and needs you to be good. Instead of thinking it's good for her yourself and then imposing that good on her.
Therefore, anyone who feels that he is blindly sacrificing and paying in marriage should stop and reflect on himself, and you should think clearly about whether the other party needs your "good" or whether you need to use this "good" to prove yourself.
Don't think that to maintain a marriage, you just need to work hard to be good to her. The key to a good marriage is that both partners feel comfortable and not wronged. If you are good, you have wronged yourself and cannot satisfy the other party, then it means that you are good, not really good.
We should also know that in any relationship, only balance can stabilize. For couples, the common state of equilibrium is evenly matched and there are complementary sides, but either way, it should be based on the premise of knowing each other, rather than you hiding from each other and doing something that you think is good for her.
I hope that we can all see from Sun Lei's marriage what is really "good".
Hopefully, your "goodness" will not become a terrible burden.
About the author: Meet and miss, a woman who likes to read and write, focusing on the creation of articles in the emotional field and the analysis and answer of emotional questions, I hope that my words can accompany you warmly forward.