Many people think that the relationship between two people in an intimate relationship is started by quarrels and cold wars, but in fact, there is an intimate relationship that may not quarrel, lose temper, and have no violence, but it will still make people feel suffocated.
If your relationship with your significant other is like this, be wary.
Ah Yu and his girlfriend Xiaona fell in love for a year, Xiaona looked gentle and gentle, her temper was very good, and it was rare to see her lose her temper when the two people got along.
But in the year together, Ah Yu became more and more unhappy, recalling the situation between the two and finding that as long as they encountered different opinions between the two, it must be Xiaona who won in the end.
For example, on Ah Yu's birthday, he wants Xiaona to accompany him to eat his favorite Sichuan hot pot, but Xiaona does not want to eat hot pot, she wants to eat light side dishes.
Ah Yu was originally very determined, thinking that he should listen to his birthday, but Xiaona said: "You know that I have recently had a stomach upset, and you still have to eat spicy, do you want me to go to the hospital to be happy?" ”
Listening to Xiaona say this, Ah Yu was unable to refute it at all, so he had to eat some congee side dishes.
For example, Xiaona wants to see Ah Yu's mobile phone, Ah Yu feels that the two people trust each other, there is no need to look at the mobile phone, at this time Xiao Na will say: "If you don't have a ghost in your heart, why don't you let me see it?" Didn't you want to be honest with me at all? ”
The result, of course, was that Ah Yu compromised and handed over his mobile phone.
Cortana did this every time, neither losing her temper nor arguing with him, but she was able to achieve her goals.
Over time, Ah Yu always felt a little depressed, as if as long as he did not go along with Xiaona's wishes, he would have a lot of "crimes" on his body.
In intimate relationships, Ah Yu's encounter is actually a common "emotional blackmail".
What is emotional blackmail?
Susan Foward, a famous psychological counselor in the United States, made a profound analysis and diagnosis of the behavior and means of emotional blackmail in the book "Emotional Blackmail".
Emotional blackmail is when one partner in a relationship uses the fear, sense of responsibility, and guilt of the other to manipulate the other's life.
People who like emotional blackmail do not need to use violence, as long as they reason with each other, they will make the other party compromise.
Because compared with quarrels and violence, emotional blackmail is not easy to identify, so that many people feel uncomfortable in the relationship, but they can't say what is wrong.
In intimate relationships, two people have contradictions, conflicts are a particularly normal thing, find a way to fight for their own power, to achieve their own goals is no problem, but normal conflict and emotional blackmail is very different.
The book "Emotional Blackmail" proposes 6 characteristics of judging emotional blackmail, demand, resistance, pressure, threat, yield, and restart, of which pressure and threat are the most important.
If the other person in your intimate relationship often has these performances, then be careful of being blackmailed by emotions.
Manifestations of emotional blackmail:
When two people have a conflict or disagree, in the dialogue with each other, the other party always uses his own efforts to morally kidnap you.
If you can't make a choice that satisfies them, you're not a good enough person; or use the excuse of being weak to inspire your compassion.
For example, the other party will often say:
"I'm so good to you, but you're doing this to me?"
"I've paid so much for you, you can't promise me this little thing?"
"If you can't appear in front of me right away, you won't have to appear in the future!"
……
Whether they are threatening or pretending to be pitiful, they will not argue, but their language will make people feel very uncomfortable, and the purpose is to make you obedient.
In such an intimate relationship, you will feel that you have to follow the other person in everything, and if you want to insist on your own opinions, you will be labeled, selfish, unconscionable, and so on.
The other party will often tell you that it is because they love you too much and care about you too much, so they will ask you like this.
If your significant other is what it looks like above, then you are experiencing emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail brings harm:
Emotional blackmail is more like a soft knife that hurts the relationship between two people when you are not vigilant.
Just like Ah Yu and XiaoNa, Ah Yu wants to eat Sichuan hot pot, Xiao Na wants to eat light, this kind of disagreement is very common in the relationship, and it is easy for the two sides to communicate well.
But Xiaona immediately came to a conclusion, "I'm not comfortable, but you want to eat hot pot just don't care enough about me, love me!" ”
Perhaps because Xiaona's sense of security is insufficient, when others disagree with herself, she will feel that she is not loved, and she wants to prove that the other party loves herself, that is, she wants to control the other party.
And when Ah Yu said this in Xiaona, he must have felt very wronged and wronged, and at the same time he would feel afraid, afraid that the other party would misunderstand himself, so he chose to compromise.
Once in a while, it is harmless, but over time, if it is always such a mode of getting along, the party who is blackmailed by emotion, that is, Ah Yu, will have self-doubt, doubting whether he is really selfish and not loving enough.
Two people keep repeating this pattern of getting along, controlling and compromising, one side is satisfied, the other side feels wronged.
Over time, the feelings of the two people will become more and more estranged, more and more unwilling to pay, and will eventually go to a strange road.
How to get away from emotional blackmail?
1. Awareness is the key to staying away from emotional blackmail.
If you feel controlled and have no autonomy in the relationship, then you may wish to judge whether you are experiencing emotional blackmail against the characteristics of emotional blackmail mentioned above.
Only by clearly knowing your situation can you better face it.
2, you must have an objective evaluation of yourself in your heart, and will not be easily affected by others.
If you are sure that the other party often blackmails you emotionally, then you must be sure in your heart that what kind of person you are is not defined by the other party.
The other party's evaluation of you is selfish, does not want to give, does not love enough, etc., are the other party's views, not necessarily the real you.
You are willing to give in the relationship because you love the other person and cherish the relationship, not to avoid the other person having a bad opinion of you.
3. Learn to communicate correctly.
When you are emotionally blackmailed by the other person, it is also a good time for two people to communicate, you can express your true feelings, ask each other's feelings, and try to understand each other.
For example, when Xiaona proposed to look at Ah Yu's mobile phone, Ah Yu could say to her:
"If you look at my phone, it will make me feel that you don't trust me, and now I can show it to you, but I hope that in the future you can trust me and stop looking at the phone."
Then ask Xiaona: "Why do you want to look at my mobile phone, I don't show you the mobile phone, what do you feel, is there any bad experience?" ”
Many emotional blackmailers themselves do not know that their actions will cause harm to each other.
So if you can perceive it, you can communicate well with each other, if you can make them aware of their own behavioral problems, two people together to find a way to solve the problem, for the long-term development of the relationship is good.
Any relationship that can go on in the long run must be that both parties can feel comfortable and happy in the relationship, so if you feel that the other party has been making unreasonable demands, and you do not want to meet, then be brave and say no.
Stay away from emotional blackmail to have healthy intimacy!