Not long ago, the urban emotional drama "Xiao MinJia" finally ushered in the grand finale.
The remarried men and women played by Zhou Xun Huanglei make people feel the warmth and healing of middle-aged love.
But the marriage of his sister Liu Xiaojie, played by Tang Yixin, does not make people worry!
She was admitted from a small city to a famous school in Beijing, had a house, a car and a career, and was young and beautiful, but she was repeatedly frustrated in her marriage and repeatedly met scumbags.
She makes people sympathetic, but she "hates iron not steel."
In the second marriage, she frequently appeared on the hot search because she met a very controlling husband.
Netizens have advised her: sober up, hurry up and get a divorce!
At the end of the TV series, she finally resolutely refused the plea of her ex-husband Xu Zheng and said a thought-provoking sentence:
Only by being completely myself can I get true love!
Having been planted twice in a row in marriage, she finally understood at this moment that those unhealthy relationships were not real love.
Why did she fall into the pit of marriage twice?
Teacher Defen said:
"Relationships are the best place to practice, and your spouse is definitely the best object for you to practice, otherwise you wouldn't have met him."
Actor Tang Yixin analyzed the reasons why Liu Xiaojie entered marriage twice in "The "Preface" to Liu Xiaojie's Future Life~":
"Xiao Jie, I know that your lack of original family makes you insecure since childhood, and the desire for a complete home is what you have been seeking."
Her first husband, Tong Bing, was known when she was playing games.
Tong Bing takes her in the game, fights monsters to upgrade, protects her, and loves her.
Liu Xiaojie, who was lonely in his heart, thought that this was the love he wanted, and soon secretly obtained a certificate with Tong Bing.
Who knows, a "hero" who is mighty and invincible in the game, but in real life, but is too close to his mother".
Liu Xiaojie soon realized that this kind of marriage was not what he wanted, so he resolutely divorced.
After the divorce, she saw the true face of Tong Bing even more.
Tong Bing took his mother to the door, took the private money hidden in Liu Xiaojie's home, forced her to hand over the "ancestral ring", and even played games when she registered for divorce.
Liu Xiaojie wants a dependency, a harbor, and Tong Bing is not at all, he himself is a child who has not grown up.
At the end of the first marriage, Liu Xiaojie's first lesson was: selfish in the relationship, unwilling to pay for her, is not good love.
After the divorce, Liu Xiaojie seems to be relaxed and open-minded, but in fact, her heart is still fragile and painful, and she still longs to be loved and protected.
In a moment of solitude on the basketball court, sorrow came from it, and she was left with unwilling tears.
At this time, Xu Zheng appeared and "fell in love at first sight" with Liu Xiaojie.
She had originally told herself not to easily invest in another relationship, but the desire to be loved in her heart still overwhelmed reason.
Xu Zheng created many "chance encounters", allowing Liu Xiaojie to mistakenly judge the two as "destined".
Liu Xiaojie has received attention and careful care that he has never received before, and Xu is a rich second generation with money and beauty, and he is excellent in all aspects.
Even if reason tells her that she and the other party are not the same person, she still falls.
The last unhappy marriage, which seriously hit Liu Xiaojie's self-confidence, is not very lucky to be pursued by a "perfect" lover now?
She covets the "love" given by Xu Zheng, but ignores the "abuse" that Xu Zheng has inflicted on her.
Her acquiescence, recognition, and even acceptance fueled Xu Zheng's obsession and coordinated Xu Zheng's crazy actions.
When she was tracked by Xu Zheng, imprisoned at home, and threatened with a knife, Liu Xiaojie really woke up.
After being rescued, she was painfully aware that the control that used to carry the banner of "giving" was not real love.
This is the second lesson she learned in her marriage.
The lack of love and attention in growing up, the desire to make up for it in marriage
The problems that Liu Xiaojie encountered in marriage can actually be found in the early growth experience.
She experienced three absences in her original family.
The first missing thing is the failure of the father's love.
In her early years, Wang Sumin, the mother, chose to divorce because of her husband's domestic violence and did not want her children to be hurt.
In her day, divorce was a matter of courage, but it was also a deviant thing.
We can imagine that Wang Sumin endured the eyes and accusations of many people around him.
Shortly after the divorce, the husband died in a car accident, which led to the complete loss of their father in the lives of the two daughters.
Liu Xiaojie's lack of father in her life has led to her inability to have a clear understanding of the opposite sex, and she does not have a positive template to help her find her future other half.
Moreover, the lack of independent mind shaping also prompted her to be unable to tolerate loneliness.
The second absence is the lack of attachment to the mother.
Liu Xiaojie is the second daughter in the family.
In some families, in order to make up for the jealousy and uneasiness of the first child after giving birth to the second child, some parents double their kindness to the first child, but ignore the second child.
Judging from the details of her mother Wang Sumin's coming to Beijing to live in her sister's house, arranging marriage for her sister, and not letting her sister divorce, her mother paid more attention to her sister than to her sister.
On the one hand, this seems to give Liu Xiaojie more freedom, but on the other hand, it also gives her more feelings of loneliness.
In the play, Liu Xiaojie has repeatedly said that she is afraid of loneliness, she longs to be attached, eager to be attached to others, and cannot be obtained from the family, so she draws from love.
The third absence is a sense of crisis for freedom.
The marriage of the elder sister Liu Xiaomin was arranged by her mother.
When she wanted to divorce her alcoholic, emotional husband, her mother tried to resist.
Seeing that her sister was unable to control her marriage fate, Liu Xiaojie was afraid that she would also lose the right to decide on marriage.
In order to "make his own decisions", Liu Xiaojie will ignore his mother's objections and repeatedly throw himself into unbalanced love relationships.
Liu Xiaojie's three absences in her original family have created her mentality of insecurity, pursuing stability, and pursuing a complete family.
Invisibly, he also pins his happiness on the outside world instead of himself.
But the biggest conflict in intimacy comes from expecting the other person to meet our needs.
Liu Xiaojie in the play, after suffering from feelings, finally took responsibility for himself and understood that "only by loving yourself well, others will love you more." ”
When we look back and invest in ourselves, with those attentions and cares, we are perfectly capable of self-gratification.
What we need is healthy intimacy
Intimacy is incredibly important to each of us.
The other person is our mirror and a mentor for perfecting ourselves.
But it is only when we have the ability to live independently and live with emotions of inner loneliness and fear that we have the ability to discern healthy relationships.
Otherwise, you will frequently fall into the pit of the relationship, like drinking and quenching your thirst, making yourself worse and worse.
Liu Xiaojie, who divorced again, did not choose to quickly invest in the next love, and immediately filled the inner gap.
She began to introspect, endure loneliness, experience the life of a person, and learn to love herself first.
From her, we can see that in the relationship, whether it is desperately paying for each other, or sacrificing self in exchange for each other's love, it is impossible to last.
Having a balanced relationship space in which their respective energies flow naturally is the long-term solution.
If the two sides grasp each other and ask for too much, the flow of love will be blocked, so that energy is consumed and the body and mind are exhausted.
So, how do you have healthy intimacy?
First, separate the original family relationship from the intimate relationship.
The feeling of attachment to a partner is very similar to the feeling of attachment to parents when you were young.
Many times, we are eager to make up for the lack of childhood through intimate relationships, and to continue the unfinished fate with our parents.
Just like Liu Xiaojie, who longs to be loved and afraid of loneliness, wants to find someone to integrate with himself;
Just like Tong Bing, he is still attached to his mother when he becomes an adult and cannot enter into intimate relationships as an individual;
Just like Xu Zheng, he can't tell the boundaries, has no bottom line to control his partner, and has no ability to accept rejection.
But the process of growing up is the process of our constant separation from our nurturers.
Separation means independence, and independence means the need to live with loneliness.
We must understand that the lover is not a parent, and two people in an intimate relationship should be independent individuals who have grown up and have a complete personality.
Two people who are independent and complete can have the ability to cooperate with each other, find a balance of common comfort, and let the relationship flow naturally.
Second, learn to identify imbalances in relationships.
If there is an "imbalance" in the relationship, there will be several manifestations:
1. Individual needs to be suppressed.
Everyone has a low-level need to be noticed and seen.
In a healthy intimate relationship, each other's needs can be expressed naturally, accepted by the other party, and seen by the other party, in exchange for the flow of positive emotions on both sides.
However, if two people in the relationship feel that their needs are suppressed and uncomfortable, they need to communicate with each other in time to seek solutions that meet their needs without hurting each other.
2. Individual rights are resisted.
As an independent individual, everyone has the right to choose who they associate with and the right to decide what kind of clothes they want to wear.
In a healthy intimate relationship, both parties will allow for differences and willingly make changes for each other to the appropriate extent.
However, if it is felt that the other party has the intention of forcing themselves to change, they need to stop in time, comprehensively analyze each other's patterns, and correct the imbalance.
3, can not express the real feelings.
In life, it is easy for us to hide our true feelings in our hearts for reasons of kindness.
But in a healthy intimate relationship, it is easy for each other to capture this change in emotional atmosphere, and also dare to break through barriers and explore the true thoughts of their partners in order to obtain the growth of the relationship.
Therefore, we need to be introspective at any time, identify with our emotions, and express our needs directly.
Learn to recognize these "imbalances" in relationships and communicate carefully.
If the other party does not accept, we need to re-examine the relationship and stop the loss in time.
Finally, respect each other's boundaries.
Everyone's boundaries and bottom lines are different.
In the story of Liu Xiaojie and Xu Zheng, both sides are people with a vague sense of boundary.
One constantly violating, one constantly giving in, so that the relationship loses reasonable space, and emotions cannot flow smoothly.
Only by agreeing on each other's boundaries, respecting each other, and accommodating each other's space, can the relationship grow healthily.
In the documentary "Fruits of Life", it tells the sweet life of an elderly couple.
They have very different personalities, but they have been in love with each other for a lifetime.
Asked about the secret of the long marriage between the two, the old man shyly replied:
Just don't interfere too much with each other.
Two people from love to stay together, is the growth of the individual, but also the growth of the relationship.
And mature intimate relationships, the most important thing to grasp is the importance of a sense of boundaries.
In this way, you can have a lasting relationship.
Honey, what do you think?
Reference: "Willing to let your loved ones suffer", by Zhang Defen
Planning | Jiang Feng
Edit | Fish sweet