"I slowly and slowly learned that the so-called father-daughter mother-son relationship only means that your fate with him is that you are constantly watching his back drift away in this life and this life. You stand at this end of the path, watching him fade away where the path turns, and he silently tells you with his back: "No need to chase." When I first read Long Yingtai's "Seeing And Sending" when I was a teenager, I didn't know what she was talking about, I asked a senior who was a year older than me, he said, filial piety from now on, I seem to understand it, but I think these words are very interesting, excerpted on the sticky notepad I carried with me.
Later, when I first entered society, I tasted the warmth and coldness of human feelings, and suddenly began to understand the greatness and selflessness of my parents. Re-reading "Seeing and Sending", reading to the emotional place, I couldn't help but burst into tears.
There are some feelings, but there are often more helpless times.
Today, for example, when I came home from outside, I was tired and wanted to hurry up and write when I had energy. As a result, when I got home, a grandfather of the neighbor borrowed his mother's mobile phone to make a call, and the upstairs neighbor asked his mother for help. When they were gone, my mother suddenly remembered to look for a laptop, and she said that she would learn to use the computer and find something to do on the Internet later.
My mother is about to turn 50, and she tries to learn something new, which is indeed something to be encouraged. The problem was that the computer was in her custody, and she didn't know where to put it, rummaging through my room. I didn't find it for half a day, and I still had no intention of stopping.
I didn't like to be disturbed, and I was a little sleepy, but my mother continued to tinker. After praying several times without success, I said in a heavier tone: Mom, you will find it again tomorrow.
Mother was still rummaging through boxes and cabinets, I said, Mom, I have to rest at night, you have made a mess of my room, how to sleep? After listening, my mother rummaged through it a few more times and went out the door.
At night, I gritted my teeth and bought a special favorite cartoonist' peripheral. Ask your mother if it is expensive, and your mother says that it will bring you good luck, luck.
I looked at the "Lucky Card" and was amazed at what my mother knew about me. Perhaps, my mother is the lucky trump card in my life, but I am only aware of it.
In the first half of my life, I was torn between "making my mother happy" and "running away from my mother."
When I was about five or six years old, my biggest wish was to become someone else's child. When the mother takes out the candy and distributes it, it is always to give me a piece, give the neighbor's child two pieces, divide the biscuits or other fruits, always I have only one, two or several copies of other people's children; fight with other children, no matter who is right and who is wrong, I will always be the one who is scolded; the male classmates in the class snatch the apple, break the umbrella, break the cup to drink water, the mother's words are always: You don't provoke others, will others bully you?
When other children are bullied, they will find adults to reprimand them. My mother never came forward, but only educated me after people.
I have no one to rely on. This is the first message my mother passed on to me.
When it rained, my mother never gave me an umbrella. When I came home drenched in soup chicken, my mother brought a dry towel and brought me a large basin of hot water for me to bathe, as if she had anticipated my embarrassment.
At that time, there was no hair dryer at home, and I lived in an old house, and I had to boil water with a wood stove for bathing, and then bring it to the bedroom, lock the door and scrub my body. While I was taking a shower, my mother burned firewood in the room next to the kitchen for me to warm up after bathing.
When I was roasting the fire, my mother said: You give me to remember, in the future, when it rains, you don't bring an umbrella yourself, and no one will send you an umbrella. Boiling water for you to bathe today is afraid that you will catch a cold, and then you will come back from the rain and have to boil water to bathe yourself.
My mother's tone was cold as if it were a command, and I looked at the burning firewood and tried to escape from the house.
In the eyes of 6-year-olds, I was not happy. My father was grumpy, and my mother blamed me for everything. I long to grow up and at least leave the home in front of me.
At night, I sat on a stool in front of the door, wondering when I would grow up and never come back.
Since then, I have been studying hard and taking many first places. When my mother posted the award certificate, she would not know that running away from home and running away from her was the motivation for me to study hard.
At that time, I was still young, and under the eyes of adults, I vaguely knew that reading could escape the life in front of me. I began to work hard and no longer played greedily, my mother thought that I had finally learned the trick, after all, I only scored 5 points in mathematics last semester, and I got 100 points in the next semester.
I was the first in the class for two years, and my life did not change. I stopped studying hard, indulged in playing poker, and was beaten up by my teacher. When my mother found out, she didn't blame me, but just took out the money to teach me to recognize money, taught me to recognize playing cards, taught me to play poker, and let my father play cards with me at the New Year, and the three of them fought the landlord together. But she only allowed me to play during the New Year.
Now that I think about it, my mother was born in a peasant family, and it is not easy to do that step.
When I was a little older, my brother was born. My mother bought snacks for my brother and didn't buy them for me. I didn't say a word, and often bullied my brother when my mother was away. Coupled with the preference of my grandparents over sons, I developed a hatred for my brother.
"So-and-so's granddaughter" and "so-and-so's sister", this is what others call me after my brother was born. I don't like it more. After all, the grandfather who said, "What's the use of girls reading well, they don't have someone else's family when they grow up" is a different look for his brother.
After my mother went out to work, I often couldn't eat because the meal time of day students was not long, and my grandmother was illiterate, and often the fire had not started when school was over. My body deteriorated day by day, and finally, once I fainted during class, the teacher called my mother back from Beijing.
I was alienated from my mother. At an age when I needed to rely on, I didn't feel like someone to rely on; she wasn't involved in the process I was growing up with.
In the fifth grade class, she couldn't teach me anymore. Except to buy me blood tonics and urge me to drink them, my mother and I had nothing to say. She wouldn't let me play at the neighbor's house, so I had to spend the whole day in the house.
Maybe because of my mother, by junior high school, I stopped communicating with people. To this day, I still can't take the initiative in my relationships.
I had a grudge against my mother. She was with my brother when he was born, and she was at home when I was in junior high school. When I had no friends at school, I came home and heard my mother complaining to me.
There was nowhere to release the depression in my stomach, and my mother kept telling me how my neighbors and people around me looked down on her and wanted me to fight.
For three years, I was afraid of taking a vacation. In high school, I filled out the county school, just wanting to get as far away from home as possible. Luckily, I was admitted to the first high school. In college, I originally wanted to go to the coastal city, but because I only got three lines, I chose Wuhan second.
As far away from home as possible. This is my belief.
When I dropped out of school, I threw in my resume and went to Work in Fujian. The salary was barely enough to live on my own, and I bought gifts for my mother every month, but I didn't want to go home.
At home, I was depressed to the point of suffocation. My mother didn't seem to notice it, just made a table of dishes that I loved, and continued to say that I didn't do this well, and that I didn't do it right. My father was as grumpy as ever, and one year it snowed heavily for the New Year, and he was watching TV, and when a light bulb broke, he asked me to change the light bulb.
It was an old-fashioned incandescent lamp, and my father didn't lose power either, so he asked me to change the bulb. I froze there and said I wouldn't change. My father said that after studying physics and electricity, he couldn't even change a light bulb, what was the use, and snatched the light bulb from my hand and told me to get out.
My tears couldn't help but flow. It was snowing heavily outside, and I hid in the open dry toilet and cried for half a day. My father seemed to find me gone, and when I returned, he said viciously, Lao Tzu said that you have not run away for two sentences, and you will run me today to break your leg.
I couldn't help but cry, my father said, cry again I hit you in the mouth. I had a very unpleasant New Year that year, and to this day, I still hate the New Year.
When my mother came back, she didn't know what was happening, and she blindly advised me not to make your father angry.
I hate this home even more. But I hate myself even more. Because I hated my father, I had to take his money to school.
I was extremely thrifty, I just wanted to go to work early to earn money and return the money to them, and I had nothing to do with this family anymore. After work, even if I don't have a penny on me, I don't open my mouth to my family, which makes me feel humiliated.
A year later, I was in a relationship. The other person was an out-of-towner, looking very much like the boy I liked when I was younger. In order to break the thoughts of my youth and to escape from home, I decided to marry the boy.
But in this love, everyone is not pure, the boy said that his family let him marry me because I think I want less dowry (I never mentioned the bride price at that time), want to empty gloves white wolf. In me, I just wanted to escape from my original family, and I planned to settle down after I got married and divorce myself.
But the development of things beyond my imagination, the other party not only domestic violence, but also the rightful spending of my salary. Escaping from the original family, it is also possible, about to fall into hell.
I changed jobs, changed my mobile phone card, and didn't even open WeChat very much, and finally completed this breakup battle.
I am not without illusions, but my mother said that marrying him, unless she dies, or, I marry him, don't recognize her as a mother.
My mother was not in good health, and I was afraid that she would be sick and eventually die.
After all these things, I don't have much hope in life. What is not available in the original family is equally difficult to get in love.
I became cold and sensitive, willful and selfish, trying to break through the shackles that had been locked on me since I had a memory. But I didn't succeed.
I also resented my mother for hospitalizing me when I was diagnosed with depression, and the doctor said that she would prescribe medicine for three months, and my mother directly let me be hospitalized. The doctor said that he would stay in the hospital for at least three months, and the mother agreed. The school forced me to suspend my school on the grounds that I was sick and hospitalized for a long time and could not catch up with my homework.
When I returned to school a year later, I couldn't adapt to group life and my health was getting worse and worse. I had to drop out of school.
I always felt that if it wasn't for my mother hospitalizing me, the school wouldn't have let me take a break from school and wouldn't have dropped out of school later.
I vented the resentment in my heart on my mother, who never sent a hair for a year. Until one day I ran to the attending doctor to lose my temper and asked to be discharged, the doctor said, if it were not for your mother, I don't know where you are now, and it is difficult to say whether you are dead or alive.
On the day of dropping out of school, my mother was pale. Thinking about it now, she must have been very tormented at that time.
Later, my relationship with my family has been tense, maintaining a superficial peace.
I met a guy who looked pretty good. The other party is in a hurry to get married. I wanted to escape my original family and couldn't wait to get my license. I thought that when I became a family, my mother would have less discipline over me.
As it turned out, my mother still hadn't changed, so I planned my divorce every day. But Master never agreed. Master should not have been a tool for me to escape from my original family, and the divorce dragged on in my ideological struggle for nearly a year. Master is getting better and better for me. I gradually didn't want to divorce because I didn't want to toss anymore, because the next person might not agree with Dink.
How terrible, I'm still weighing the pros and cons. The object of my talk, as long as my mother didn't like it, kept breaking. So, I couldn't escape her control.
That day, I told her that the day I dropped out of school and asked her if she was unhappy, she said no, if she said she was unhappy at the time, I would not have dropped out. My mother said no, and I was bent on dropping out of school.
What she didn't know was that when I was young, my only goal was to make her happy. Because she had a straight face all day, I looked at it very badly. But every time she posted me a certificate, she smiled happily.
Later, I won an award for excellence in writing essays, and the prize was two three-cent manuscripts. When I was not satisfied with the prize, my mother said that even if it was a dime, you earned it.
Later, I played at my aunt's house, and she saw the article at night, and my aunt asked me how much money I had worked so hard to earn, and I said that it was only two cents now. The aunt smiled and said, what is there to earn for two cents?
At that moment, I thought of my mother, who said that when I won the prize, she said that the prize was only worth sixty cents, maybe I wouldn't have been writing and wouldn't have wanted to be a writer.
She may only love me in the most clumsy way, but she is a good mother who teaches me as much as she can to be a human being. It may not have been done in the right way, but that was all she could.
My struggle with my mother continues, but she will never know.
I'd rather she never know.
Until the end of my life, this struggle will never see an end.