What kind of person should I choose to get married?

Si Wen said in a talk show: "Girls will be intimidated from an early age and say' And no matter how big the house or how good a car a single woman lives in, she will always be spat at: What is the use of this, there is not even a man next to her." ”

This seems to have become another kind of "inner volume", a single woman seems to have to do her best, have to live more glamorous than those married women, in order to be able to block everyone's mouth, in exchange for a sentence: not so miserable.

George Bernard Shaw said: "Those who want to get married should get married, and those who want to be single will remain single, and in the end you will regret it." ”

Single and married are just two different states, and there is no better way to say that one state is better than the other. Women who are "forced to marry" in order to meet other people's standards are more likely to be less likely to be happy.

Is it necessary to let yourself complete the goal of "marriage" before a certain age because of age and social evaluation, and you must be happy? Obviously not, if you have been living in other people's standards and can't live according to your own ideas, then you can't escape the fate of being wrapped up by others, in addition to the problem of marriage, when will you have children? How many children do you have? What school to attend? Do you want to resign?

So, don't force yourself into a relationship or a marriage because of external factors.

Marriage is not a casual game, marriage is not a KPI assessment that must be completed, marriage is the sublimation of love.

From the hundreds of divorce cases I have handled, I have summed up one point: "do not know how to appreciate each other", is the death pit of the marriage relationship, in many cases, this is more desperate than cheating, not loving, Kenneng will be more desperate!

2

A friend sent me a private message telling me about her troubles in marriage. Her name is Xiaomei, she has been married to her husband for 5 years, and the two are colleagues in the unit. At the beginning, both of them went directly to the unit for internship as soon as they graduated, and the internship work was very relaxed, and there were many opportunities for meetings and discussions.

In this process, Xiaomei gradually became familiar with the boys, Xiaomei did not pass the company's internship assessment, she chose to be a civil servant in order to have a better chance. During that time, as long as Xiaomei had emotional slackness, the boy would enlighten Xiaomei, once Xiaomei was so anxious that she couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, she called the boy, and the two talked until 3 a.m.

The relationship between the two also gradually warmed up, and soon the relationship between male and female friends was determined. After hard work, Xiaomei was admitted as a civil servant and successfully joined the company. Later, after the two met their parents, they set a wedding date. However, Xiaomei, who originally thought that she was going to usher in a happy life, did not find out until after marriage that her husband always suppressed herself in her own school and salary.

From time to time, he would mention that Xiaomei had not passed the internship together, and said that Xiaomei's ability could only do the current work. Nothing goes wrong, but it doesn't make much money either. Xiaomei's salary is indeed not as high as her husband's, and the family's mortgage is also supported by her husband.

But the little beauty is not enough, but it will also say that the husband is left and right, and the set behind the previous set is not sincere. The husband feels that he is the one who earns the most money in this family, and always has a sense of superiority in front of Xiaomei. Xiaomei also feels very wronged, some of the friends around her are not as good as their own, but the husband who marries not only earns more money, but also greets them warmly, in contrast, he is simply living in the water.

Later, Xiaomei became pregnant, and during that time, it was a time when her husband was particularly busy at work. Xiaomei can only take care of herself, she comes home from work to cook alone, her in-laws are not in good health, and they can't come over to take care of themselves. Xiaomei also knew that she could only rely on herself, and had booked the confinement center early.

When the child was born, the husband only accompanied Xiaomei for two days on a business trip. From the child is Xiaomei alone, after taking maternity leave, Xiaomei invited a month sister-in-law to come and take care of the child. While she went to work, she was monitoring the status of the child, and she was also worried that the nanny would not take good care of the child.

During this period, the husband is like an invisible person, except for the monthly use of the family, he seems to be no different from not in this home. Sometimes, Xiaomei jokes with her friends that she is living the life of a single mother. If Xiaomei can endure such a life, then her husband's ridicule of Xiaomei is the last straw that crushed this marriage.

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In recent years, Xiaomei has single-mindedly taken care of her family and children, so that her husband can work hard outside with peace of mind. The husband's salary is naturally rising, the position is also rising, and the husband is becoming more and more "swinging" after returning home. Xiaomei has always liked to read books and also likes to publish articles. The articles written by Xiaomei can resonate with many readers, and many people leave messages to express their support for her.

Xiaomei also became more and more confident, but her husband said that what she wrote was "disease-free moaning" and that it was not worth seeing at all, and let Xiaomei spend more time at home. Xiaomei has always attached great importance to her husband's approval, and under her husband's oppression, she has no motivation to read books and write articles again.

Her husband's evaluation made Xiaomei feel that she was not good enough anywhere, and she began to feel that she was not worthy of her husband. Until she found out that her husband was with her, she would always put the phone upside down on the table, and she suspected that her husband had someone outside. After her husband fell asleep, she found the chat records with Xiao San in her husband's mobile phone, only today's time to delete, the previous records are gone.

When she confronted her husband, he pushed xiaomei to blame for cheating. The husband said that he was not ready to really be with Xiao San, so that Xiao Mei could rest assured that he would cut off Xiao San. From the beginning to the end, I did not think that there was anything wrong with my cheating, nor did I apologize for my derailment.

Xiaomei feels that she can't accept the fact that her husband is cheating, but she is afraid that she is not capable of divorce, and she feels that she is useless, and she hopes that I can help her.

The reason why Xiaomei has now become inferior and unconfident, in addition to not having a correct judgment of her own self-worth, is also the result of her husband's long-term suppression. But is Xiaomei really as "useless" as her husband says?

The husband lacks appreciation for Xiaomei and will only see Xiaomei's deficiencies. Even because of her husband's own inferiority, he was afraid that Xiaomei would become excellent and leave himself. So he chose to use a degrading way to try to control Xiaomei.

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So why not marry a man who doesn't know how to appreciate himself?

First, no matter how good you are, in his eyes are a piece of

A man who does not know how to appreciate you, in his eyes, even if you are excellent, you are worthless. There are no perfect people in this world, and even each other is not without flaws.

It is precisely because we know that everyone has shortcomings and every marriage has shortcomings that we will look at each other with an appreciative eye and explore the advantages of each other, so that we can live our lives.

Second, you will become self-doubting

There is a topic on Zhihu: "What is it like to marry a man who doesn't know how to appreciate you?" ”

One of the highly praised answers was:

Married to my husband for 5 years, one will dislike me for walking ugly, one will dislike my lack of culture, always praise others in front of me... From the realization of marriage, I have been with him to live a poor life, and have survived for nearly 10 years. Only to find that he did not understand appreciating me more and more. Originally, I was a sunny and confident person, but I was always belittled by him like this, and I began to doubt myself! I feel like I'm getting worse and worse!

Yes, a man who doesn't know how to appreciate you will only become a "bad evaluator" in your life, and whatever you do is inappropriate.

Third, behind the lack of appreciation, in fact, there is not enough love for you

People treat people or things they like extraordinarily carefully and cherish, if a man does not love you enough, how can he find and appreciate you?

In fact, men are fond of the new and tired of the old, and many men like cars. When I first bought a car, I cherished it and showed it, and I was eager to wipe the car beautifully and spotlessly. If there is a scratch on the car, it will be painful for half a day immediately.

However, after the man drove for a few years, he got a new car. The old car was immediately sold to someone else, and he was beaten into the cold palace in his heart! If you become the old car he "abandoned" in a relationship, don't expect him to appreciate and love you as he treats a new car.

Behind the appreciation, there is love.

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What should you do if you accidentally marry a man who doesn't know how to appreciate himself?

It's like if you unfortunately become the old car he dislikes in your marriage, and all you have to do is either change a "driver" who appreciates you, or upgrade yourself, replace the engine, bumper, and all the hardware, so that your value is no longer a depreciating old car, but an "upgrade car" that exceeds the original value!

Men like "good cars", after all, the driving experience of good cars is different, not only the performance will be superior, but also more able to save men's face and become a symbol of men's identity! Then when a man is constantly enterprising at work, earning more money, and has enough ability to change into a "good car", he will be "eager to try".

Men grow up, women must also be able to do "go hand in hand", when you constantly upgrade yourself, from Wuling glory to Mercedes-Benz, BMW, are you still worried about not having a good driver?

After listening to my analysis, Xiaomei decided to make her position clear to her husband. Return the responsibility for cheating to her husband, she is not wrong with her husband's cheating. If the husband wants a "threesome", Xiaomei is determined to divorce. Maybe Xiaomei had always been "weak" before, and her husband did not take Xiaomei's words seriously at all.

I instructed Xiaomei to collect clues about the family's property, negotiate with her husband, and if her husband could make a concession on the property, Xiaomei could give him another chance. We take advantage of her husband's overconfident psychology to let Xiaomei dispel men's concerns through words, so that he thinks that this is just a way for Xiaomei to make emotions.

Before the negotiation, I rehearsed with Xiaomei many times, and did a good job of A and B two sets of plans, whether the husband agreed to divorce or wanted to continue the marriage, we were ready for the "marital property agreement" and "divorce agreement", two agreements, choose which one to sign, it seems that the decision is in the hands of the man, in fact, the man has no choice at all.

Xiaomei has taken good care of her family and children for so many years, and has also won the praise of her in-laws, relatives and friends, and he will not give up all this for Xiao San. The more shrewd a man is, the less he will "impulse for love." Grasping the psychology of men, coupled with our designed negotiation skills, Xiaomei successfully got her husband's signature on the "Marital Property Agreement".

After that, Xiaomei, at my suggestion, began to continue the path of writing. She wants to make herself better and better in marriage, more and more independent, as for the man, that is, an object of her screening, who meets her criteria, she will continue to be with him; if it does not meet her standards, she can also take the property and turn around

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There is a saying in "Sharp And Benevolent Teacher": "Life is not perfect, but it does not mean that life is not perfect." ”

What kind of person should I choose to get married?

Everyone has a different answer in their hearts, but I feel like no matter what criteria you chose for a man in the first place? Don't forget that while you are screening others, you are also being screened by others!

Choosing someone who is "up to standard" does not necessarily guarantee a happy marriage.

Making marriage happy is an ability that requires continuous learning and cultivation, and happiness has never been a secret once and for all. To stay happy all the time, what matters is not the person you choose, but yourself!