"Teacher Long, the eight-and-a-half-year-old boy is procrastinating in everything, and the more he is urged, the slower he is, what should he do?" One morning, as soon as I turned on my computer, a mother sent me a message via WeChat.
I immediately replied, "For an eight-and-a-half-year-old, he's been able to do something he does quickly." If everything is done slowly, parents need to reflect, is it also slow for parents to do things? Do you often blame and hit your child when you do things? ”
"Our family is very fast, and he likes to rub it!" I just can't understand, how did I give birth to such a son? ”
"Do you often say things like that to your children?" I suddenly found the crux of the matter. A child who is often beaten is dragging his feet to carry out silent resistance. This may not be his subjective will, but his subconscious two selves competing with each other, one is desperate to prove to the world that he is an excellent child, and the other is like a deflated leather ball every time he is hit by his parents, his self-confidence is lost, and he often sighs and complains: 'Just like this, no matter how well you do, you can't get a word from them.' ’
When the self-pitying self overcomes the self that is eager to prove to the world, the loss of self-confidence leads to a great reduction in mobility, and the result is that "dead pigs are not afraid of boiling water", no matter what the parents say, they are "habitually dull". Therefore, it can be summed up as "percussion education" that makes boys "habitually sluggish".
"It seems to have become my mantra!"
"Did your parents hit you too often?"
"Yes! When I was a child, I couldn't do housework, and my mother often said to me, 'I can't do such a thing well, what is the use when I grow up, see which man wants you'. Every time I didn't take the test, my dad said, 'I want to get so many points, I still want to go to college, I don't know how many pounds I have.'" Every time I hear something like this, I crash. ”
"Then will your son also collapse when he hears your words?" A man's nature needs to be respected, appreciated, and encouraged, and your words negate all his virtues. He has not yet reached the age of blatant rebellion with you, and can only use this "habitual dullness" of procrastination to carry out silent resistance. ”
"So what do I do now?"
"The parents' way of education is like an engraving, deeply engraved in our minds, when we educate children, unconsciously follow the parents' education methods, perhaps even we do not know." Therefore, we ourselves must first awaken and abandon this kind of percussive education. Second, we must see the efforts made by the child to overcome the difficulties, and we must see the progress of the child. When the child improves the speed of doing things at one time, praise his progress in time. If something is done beyond the child's ability, the mother can quietly provide a little help, and building confidence in doing things is more important than the results of doing things. It's a gradual process, with more patience, more encouragement, less blame, less blows. I replied in one breath.
This is the educational method "strike education" that Chinese parents have always adopted, which is called "radical method", through constantly denying children, negotiating conditions with children, and even comparing the shortcomings of their own children with the advantages of other children' children, in an attempt to let children grow up in the blow, in an attempt to stimulate children's determination to be ashamed and then courageous.
In fact, a blow is a blow, there is no education, this is just an extension of Chinese parents' "filial piety under the stick". Children who are often hit are easily caught in strong self-doubt and self-denial, resulting in inferiority, low self-esteem, resulting in no confidence in anything, so when parents let them do something, he is like not hearing, or delaying again and again, half a day no response, the attitude is very negative.
Parents see boys acting like this, often angry, so often say that "such a little thing is not done well, what is the use when they grow up."
In this sentence, many boys slowly lose their self-initiative, lose their sense of self-worth, do not believe that they can become a useful man, and position themselves as "nest waste", "mud can not support the wall", and self-abandonment.
Because parents' evaluation of their children often determines their children's evaluation of themselves. When his parents thought he was incompetent, he felt incompetent; when his parents thought he was a brave man, he felt heroic.
Of course, there are also some boys who are eager to prove their ability to the world, and they pursue success, not from the heart to realize their own value, just to get the approval of their parents. Such a person often oscillates between inferiority and conceit, and even if he has achieved great achievements, his life is still for others.
In the book "Men Need Respect, Women Need Love", there is such a survey: in the "no one in the world loves you" or "no one respects you", more than seventy percent of men choose the former. It can be seen that the need for respect is the nature of men, as mothers, we must learn to appreciate boys, our praise and encouragement can not only stimulate their confidence and morale, but also the cornerstone of his growth into manhood.
Confidence is the guarantee of success, mothers should learn to use a magnifying glass to see the strengths of boys, use a narrowing glass to see the shortcomings of boys, respect, appreciation, praise, support to boys, I believe that every boy can face the new day with confidence and high morale.