Zhihu saw a daughter complaining that when she was a child, her family was poor, and when she bought new clothes for the New Year, she would always say: "Buy it for my brother, I don't want it!" ”
In fact, how much her heart longed for a new dress, and even secretly hoped that her mother would buy her one.
Of course, in the end, the clothes were only bought for my brother.
When I was in college, I lived on no more than five hundred a month and wore bloated clothes.
But when she came home at the end of each semester, she would always bring some outside specialties to her family, and everyone thought she was very sensible!
Once, my father was hit by a car, but fortunately it was not serious. Mom asked her to give her a call to Dad.
She asked her mother, "Did you tell your brother?" ”
Mom replied, "No, I'm afraid it will affect his job search." ”
She was a little puzzled: "Why aren't you afraid of affecting my work?" ”
Mom said, "You're more sensible!" ”
"If someone hurts, he understands things and is struck by lightning."
Go to the mall with your parents, obviously love toys, as long as your parents say that it is too expensive, they docilely nodded and walked away.
Classmates asked for help with homework with takeaways, even if they were very reluctant in their hearts, but always kindly agreed.
The tasks assigned by the boss are complicated and unreasonable, and they are also silently staying up late and working overtime to complete.
In fact, there are too many children in our lives who have been kidnapped by the word "sensible".
Adults always say "understanding is a good child" over and over again, as if learning to think like an adult is a necessary skill for a good child.
It is a good thing to be mature and sensible, but many adults forget that in addition to being sensible and mature, there are two words in this world called "grievance" and "unhappiness".
Sensible children just don't make trouble for no reason, but just adapt to the environment that should behave maturely, and get used to the misunderstood eyes of others.
In fact, this is a deep despair.
Behind the children's understanding is a deep inferiority complex, worried that others will not like, so every day carefully watch the faces of adults live, losing their age should be arrogant and willful.
1
"You have to be sensible, you have to be obedient"
The most common thing we hear parents say to their children is "you have to be sensible, be obedient", it seems normal to ask a child to be sensible, and "sensible" as a positive word has never seemed to be questioned.
When I was a child, there was a classic public service advertisement on the TV that impressed the audience, a child first saw his mother wash his grandmother's feet, and then walked to his mother with a basin of water and said, "Mom, wash your feet." This behavior is not flattery, but learning, and this kind of understanding is beneficial to the growth of children.
So what kind of understanding should arouse the vigilance of parents?
I know that a netizen has made a definition for this kind of "understanding": paying attention to the feelings of others prematurely, weighing the pros and cons with the principles of the adult world and ignoring their own will, thus losing the right to be arrogant and willful at this age.
Such sensible children often have the following manifestations:
1, do not dare to be willful in front of adults, unbridled, do not dare to oppose authority
2, everywhere to cater to please adults, do not hesitate to ignore their own feelings
2
"You have to be sensible" became a means for parents to control their children
"You have to be obedient, find reasons for everything from yourself" Seems to be a phrase that many parents often say, and they want their children to understand things.
No matter what happens, as long as the child admits the mistake and apologizes, the parent will stop reprimanding. More often, however, children don't really know what they're doing wrong, and the fear of being scolded makes them hide their deep grievances.
Over time, such a pattern is gradually internalized, and when something bad happens, the child will be the first time to unconditionally think that he has done something wrong, and will unconsciously feel guilty due to fear, and then become obedient.
Studies have shown that mature and sensible people who do not match their age are often associated with some negative childhood experiences, children who have experienced childhood domestic violence and abandonment experiences, and the brain nerve circuits that innervate fear and anxiety are similar to adults, and their puberty also comes earlier than normal children.
3
Children who are too sensible are not very happy all their lives
They try their best to make the people around them happy, hoping to avoid all the troubles, but often do not have the courage to express their true selves. Sensible children usually grow up to be "good old people", and their "good" is not all from love, but from fear.
Most of these sensible children will find it difficult to be truly happy when they grow up.
Low self-esteem is a reality that children who understand things too early can hardly escape when they grow up. Sensible has become their way of pleasing others.
Later, I realized that others will only care whether you are gentle, good at communicating and good temper, but only people who really care about you will care about whether you have been wronged.
For parents, making children understand is actually a kind of cruel upbringing.
May you know only what you should know.