As mothers, many times busyness makes us forget our troubles, but there is a voice that appears in our minds from time to time: "Who am I?" What am I going to do? What can I do? What does my future hold? ”
When we are young, we are our own people, do what we want to do, and everything in the future can be expected.
When we became wives, we became the wives of so-and-so, and everything we did began to revolve around home and lovers.
After being promoted to the position of mother, we become the mother of a baby, and the child, family, and husband are the focus of our daily busyness. Plus the work occupies another 8+ hours, is there still time for yourself?
"Mom's 'War'" is a new era mother's growth report, compiled by Momself, a domestic platform focused on women's growth. The platform has more than one million users, advocated the concept of "I am a mother, I am myself" earlier in China, cared about the real emotional demands and cognitive challenges of women as independent individuals in the process of identity transformation such as marriage and parenting, and is committed to providing lifelong growth solutions for 100 million Chinese mothers.
Through this book, perhaps we can find the answer to the question we keep asking ourselves when we collapse: "If being a mother is so tiring, why should I be a mother?" ”
When we rush into marriage and look forward to having a doll that looks like you and me, everyone will be happy to receive blessings from all sides, but no one is willing to say the true image after the birth of the baby, that will be the most challenging period in life, and some challenges will even be enough to crush you.
The housewife played by Meryl Streep in "The Dream of the Covered Bridge" said sadly: "No one can understand that when a woman chooses to marry and have children, on the one hand, it means the beginning of her life, but on the other hand, it also means the end of her life." 」 Even in normal times, she can only cheerfully choose her favorite songs when her children and husband are not at home, and blow the wind outside with her bare feet, while the children "have little communication with her."
Countless women are going through changes in their lives, but the key word is not "end", but "beginning". It is because of the trust in love that women have the potential to challenge the transformation of their lives.
However, the chicken feathers in marriage often make us return to reality from the dream in an instant. Why did the person who once thought he was an incomparable match change his appearance during the time of marriage?
The writer Alain de Pitton once said in the book The Evolution of Love: "The match is the achievement of love, not the premise." ”
In the variety show "The Man Who Does Housework", Yuan Hong once circled countless fans. I got up at six o'clock in the morning, took care of a lot of housework such as making breakfast and taking a baby, gained the title of good husband and good father, and became a good man in the world.
But his wife Zhang Xinyi said, shouldn't this be the standard for a normal man? It seems that Yuan Hong can circle fans, mainly "peers" set off well.
At the beginning of the program group, a set of data was released: the employment rate of Chinese women ranked first in the world; the time spent doing housework by Chinese men ranked fourth from the bottom in the world; the average Chinese woman spent 81 minutes more time doing housework than men; housework chores may become the first major reason for divorce between Chinese couples.
There was never a sudden divorce, disappointment had been saved enough, and naturally someone would leave.
Love is an ability, not just a passion. The difference between marriage and love is that marriage is a life experience that belongs to two people alone.
Cartoonist Emma has a set of cartoons called "Gender Wars in Housework", which was once popular on the Internet. In housework, women's efforts have not been recognized by society.
Love can certainly be a beautiful original intention of a woman to do housework, but it should not be a reason for a married woman to be ruthlessly squeezed.
As mentioned most often in "The Man Who Does Housework": "Doing housework does not care about gains and losses, it is a way to show love." ”
There's a TV series called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. The heroine, Mickey, is Also Mrs. Maisel, when he was Joey's wife, he would start wearing makeup every morning before Joey got up, and at night she would wait for Joey to sleep before removing her makeup, and she measured her legs every day just to make sure she didn't gain a little weight, because she thought that joey would like herself.
In Mickey's life, everything comes first with Joey's needs, and she just wants to be a wife who supports her husband unconditionally. Mickey's "self-management as a wife" comes from the teachings of her mother Ruth, and her mother herself does the same.
But the mother, who had asked herself and her daughter to "put everything first on her husband and family," suddenly left her husband, children and grandchildren behind, leaving only a note, and went to Paris alone.
When her daughter Mickey said to her mother, who was sitting in the middle of a somewhat dilapidated and dark room, "I miss you, Mom." Ruth sat in a broken chair and lit a cigarette, replying to her daughter with a look of affection: "I miss my former self too." ”
As it is said in "The Fantastic Journey of the Shepherd Boy": When you want something, the whole universe will work together to help you achieve your wish.
Ruth wants the independent and romantic Parisian life she had when she was young, and she bravely stepped out of her comfort zone and began to find her own journey. And her husband is willing to stay in Paris, living with Ruth in the art museum during the day and the café at night. Because he also wanted to get back to his wife who radiated confidence all over her body.
Some mothers understand that only by doing what they want to be can they become the leader of their children. And these highlight moments, not all of them are very cool. It's often accompanied by difficult decision-making, emotional guilt or sadness, and even little-known darkest moments.
But they understand that some things must be done, some things must be let go, this is a wise woman, understand the importance of being themselves, understand that children will bring positive guidance to their future when they see a mother who shines with confidence.
There is a film called "Bao Bao", which tells the story of a mother who is at home making buns, and her husband eats a few bites and rushes to work, leaving her alone. As a result, the last bite just bit into the mouth, only to hear a scream, the bun flew out, not only grew hands and feet, but also became a soft and cute baby bag. Mom's lonely heart was instantly cute and happy.
She took care of Bao Bao as if he were a son, but the child grew up unimaginably fast, and he began to yearn for new friends. But in his mother's eyes, he was still a little one who needed to be cared for.
When the bun reached the rebellious period, she also began to hate her mother's overprotectiveness. When he calls, he will close the door, and the mother will even eavesdrop on the door in order to know what her son is doing, which makes Bao Bao very angry.
The most terrible thing happened, Bao Bao brought back a blonde woman! He went home and packed his bags and left. The unacceptable mother held the baby bag to death and would not let him go. As a result, when he pulled, he was excited and swallowed him in one bite...
This is a typical "widowed parenting" film, the role of the bun father is almost completely absent, and the lonely mother puts all her emotions on the child.
The film's director said in an interview: "When the love of parents goes to extremes, they will even act to destroy their children. ”
Every mother wants her child to grow up quickly, but occasionally she has selfish thoughts, hoping that he will grow up a little slower, and so on. Such complex feelings often blur the "boundaries" between us and our children, causing contradictions.
One of the most typical contradictions is when the elderly take children. As the elderly, when they help us take care of our children, the first thing they think about is whether the child can be healthy and whether he is full and warm. So when they see what danger the child might be in, they are really scared.
I once saw an old man rush to school after receiving a call from his son who could not answer his grandson temporarily. But he didn't know if his grandson's class had left school, and he anxiously asked the school security guards and the parents waiting at the school gate. But no one could tell him the answer. Until the moment he saw his grandson in person, I was deeply touched when I heard him sigh with relief and then talk to him in an incomparably relaxed and pleasant voice.
Whether it is a parent or a grandparent, it is love for the child, but the way of love is different, and the subject of love is different. We have no right to interfere with the way the elderly love, and we have no right to say to them, "You can't take children like this." ”
Parents have parents' ideas, children have children's ideas, as long as we see clearly that everyone is responsible for their own part of the subject, we may be able to find a solution to the contradiction. This is called "separation of subjects."
At the end of "Bao Bao", the mother wakes up crying from the dream, and her real son also comes home, with a foreign daughter-in-law. The family sat around and wrapped up the buns in a lively manner. The son is clumsy, but the foreign daughter-in-law is wrapped up in a similar way. The mother couldn't help but think: "In this way, it seems that the son and daughter-in-law will also have a good life, even if there is no place for them." ”
Parents face their children, and after all, you stand at the end of the path and watch him gradually disappear into the bend of the path. And he silently tells you with his back: you don't have to chase.
There is a saying that there is no time in the world of me and my children, only the present moment.
The identity of the mother is no longer a nurturing companion, a mother, and everything for the child, but a "social symbol", which means self-awakening, balance and control, coordination of resources, overall division of labor, and even the embodiment of a comprehensive ability.
We can say to ourselves, "I'm not a bad mom, I'm a great mom, it's just a bad day by chance." ”
The idea that Mama's 'War' brings to us is that we focus on the real, not just the right.