One Psychology Main Writer Group | flute
Today, One Psychology talks to you about "freedom".
Last time we talked about the "onion-type personality" with flattering characteristics, always trying to be themselves in the eyes of others, doing anything to consider other people's views first, to meet the needs of others as the center, no self, live very tired.
Of course, as many readers think, "onion personality" is not the same as "flattering personality", but many of its personality characteristics are very close to what we call "flattering personality", and I hope that everyone can formally please the legitimate needs behind the behavior, stop self-attack, and be friendly to yourself.
In the message, many readers and friends feedback want to understand its opposite: "avocado" type personality.
Speaking of "avocado", I subconsciously thought of Da Zhang Wei.
His acting career has fluctuated greatly, and he has also faced criticism, but he is in his thirties and has little anger on his body. This is not unrelated to his strong, independent heart.
Da Zhang Wei is a typical "avocado".
The "avocado" personality is a metaphor proposed by Harvard psychologist Brian Little in his book Breaking Through Nature, and the scientific name is low self-control personality.
As the name suggests, this personality is like an "avocado", and when you keep digging down, you will find that there is a hard core, a constant solid core.
That is, to have a firm core self.
No matter how the outside world is turbulent, "I" stand still.
Their thoughts and behaviors are "internally and externally consistent" and insist on being themselves no matter what the situation.
As psychologist Kohut describes the "core self":
In the midst of the stormy waves of emotions, there is a core self standing there steadily. It will shake, and shaking is a kind of echo, but only shaking, the foundation is not shaken.
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There are many advantages to being an "avocado" with a core self.
During this time, Li Ziwei stole the hearts of countless people in the TV series "Want to See You", why is it so likable?
In addition to the eye-catching handsome appearance, it is more because of his unique inner personality charm!
Many of his behavioral characteristics are very much in line with the characteristics of "low self-monitoring".
Li Ziwei met Mo Junjie at a very young age, and later they became each other's best friends in life.
At that time, Because Mo Junjie wore a hearing aid in one ear, he was always discriminated against by the children around him, laughing at him as deaf, a monster, or casting a sympathetic look.
Mo Junjie was extremely inferior because of this, and no children were willing to play with him, living alone in a dark corner.
But Li Ziwei was different from everyone around him.
The first time he met Mo Junjie, his first reaction after knowing that he had to wear a hearing aid to hear the voice, without any sympathy or discrimination, but like opening the door to a new world, exclaimed:
"Wow, that's cool!"
He also wears a hearing aid to detect alien signals, attracting children around him to play with them, so that they all begin to face it, wearing a hearing aid is not a shameful thing.
At school, Li Ziwei and Mo Junjie beat up the male classmate who humiliated Huang Yuxuan with ugly words, and were punished by the instructor for standing, spanking, and forcing them to admit their mistakes.
In general, in this case, in the face of "authority", many people will choose to go against their true thoughts and bow their heads and admit their mistakes.
But Li Ziwei still insisted that he was not wrong.
Because, low self-monitors don't care much about what others say about themselves, don't look at what others do, and don't care whether their behavior is in line with social norms and environmental "requirements".
Instead, no matter what the occasion or what you do, you will take your inner attitude, values and beliefs as the principle, respect your inner thoughts and feelings, and think about "Who am I?" In this case, what should I do with myself? ”
They are honest, straightforward, dare to express feelings and needs in relationships, do not "please", do not know how to disguise themselves, and show their true temperament and attitude in various situations.
This personality trait is very attractive, and it is easy for people to let go of the defenses between people and become loyal friends around you.
Furthermore, in intimate relationships, low self-monitorers are also more stable, good at maintaining long-term intimacy, and less likely to divorce or cheat.
After the broadcast of "Want to See You", a sentence that made many people cry on the Internet was: "There has never been Wang Yisheng, it has always been Li Ziwei."
Since Li Ziwei fell in love with Huang Yuxuan, he has since continuously traveled through time and space, whether it is back to the past or to the future, the infinite cycle, just to meet Huang Yuxuan and guard her side.
This kind of long affection and affection, in this era of emotional impetuosity, has touched many people.
Because low self-monitors pay more attention to a person's relatively stable inner personality and values when choosing a partner, rather than external conditions such as appearance and social status.
Of course, it is still the old saying that everything has a degree, and things must be reversed.
Low self-monitors also have weaknesses, such as not being good at coping with complex social situations, having difficulty in dealing with conflicts flexibly in the workplace, and being too insistent on their own principles may make people feel too rigid and idealistic.
But being a self-determined "avocado" is, overall, living a very cool life.
Many people want to be an "avocado", but they live as an "onion", peeling off layer by layer, without a core self.
Teacher Wu Zhihong believes that:
The core self (aka the "cohesive self") needs to be built on the feeling that "I'm basically good."
The root of the lack of a core self is that in the process of growing up, most of the negative feedback received from the main nurturer and the surrounding environment is slowly formed, and the low self-perception of "I am not good" and "I am not worthy of love" is slowly formed.
When I was in college, I participated in club activities to meet a sister, who was very capable in all aspects, especially in social interaction, very good at dealing with school leaders, teachers, and classmates, and what activities I participated in were the focus of it, and my friends were all over the school.
Seeing that she was left and right wherever she went, I wondered how she managed to maintain a relationship with so many people.
When we became good friends and learned more deeply, I found that she was an "onion" that was in tears in her heart to cater to the world.
She is the eldest in the family, her parents favor her brother, and her requirements have always been: obedient and sensible, well-read, stand out, and be an example for her brother.
Parents at home have a very short temper and will be mercilessly abused as long as a certain behavior does not meet their expectations and requirements.
Once writing homework, she plucked up the courage to ask her father a math problem, her father taught it again, she still wouldn't, her father suddenly slammed the homework book hard, and scolded: "How can you be stupider than a pig, pigs have been taught, you still won't!" ”
When she was a child, she did not like to talk, and when she saw relatives and villagers, she did not like to greet her, and she was always scolded by her parents:
"It's rude to take you out."
"How could I give birth to a child like you?"
"I don't dare to fight when I see people greeting you, what is the use of you when you grow up, it is useless at all."
……
These negative evaluations are like mountains, crushing her into the dust.
At the same time, her parents are accustomed to seeking survival in the mode of pleasing people in front of outsiders, the sense of self-worth is very low, and they never dare to fight back when they are taken advantage of, and they dare not fight for it, and they also educate her: to learn to look at the eyes of others and be a person.
She slowly discovered that all the requirements her parents had for her were to cater to the eyes of others, for her own face, and wanted to raise her into an ideal child in her heart.
Only when she gets good grades, when she gives way to her brother everywhere, when she sees relatives who will say hello and laugh... Her parents would smile a little bit of satisfaction at her.
That was the recognition, and love she most longed for.
Therefore, she studied desperately, desperately climbed up, became a top student, an excellent cadre, took a scholarship, forced herself to socialize, and learned to say what others wanted to hear...
In the depths of her subconscious, only by constantly pandering to others, pandering to the world, and being an excellent person can she seek a little recognition from her parents and the people around her in exchange for a little value of existence.
But in her heart, no matter how good she is in the eyes of others, she still feels that she is not good enough.
Her ego had long since been shattered, like a soul had broken a hole and had nowhere to rely on.
Brian Little makes the point in Breaking Through Nature that personality is relatively stable and at the same time highly malleable.
We have not only "inherent personality" but also "free personality", no one's personality traits or personalities are inherently stable and unchanging, and almost everyone's personality has a great deal of flexibility.
As long as you really want to, everyone can control and change their personality.
If you want to be an "avocado" with a core self, you can try these methods.
The first step, self-acceptance, can change oneself.
The most basic motivation to change oneself is self-acceptance.
Carl Rogers, a master of humanistic psychology, came up with a strange paradox in the practice of psychological counseling:
When I accepted who I was, I could make a change.
This change is not that others have changed you, or that you have changed because of the expectations of others, but that you have accepted yourself as you are and changed spontaneously.
When you recognize and accept that you have lived as an "onion", you are naturally motivated to change.
Second, break down negative self-perceptions and build a "I am good" self-belief.
Step out of the negative perception of "I'm not good" and give yourself a positive cognitive reconstruction.
Try to throw away labels that say "I'm not good," "I'm stupid," "I'm useless," "I'm not pretty enough," etc.
When you have one thing not done well, don't put a negative label on yourself, deny yourself as a whole, and attack yourself.
Instead, try to appease yourself, find some positive evaluation language system for yourself, and talk to yourself.
For example, if you fail an interview, it's not because you're incompetent, it may just be that the job doesn't match you.
You're in love and break up, not because you're bad, it may just be a no-fit, and you'll always find someone who loves you.
Your parents scolded you, not because you were bad and unworthy of being loved, but probably because they couldn't express themselves.
And when you do some things you want to do, you affirm yourself more and slowly build confidence in your heart that "I can exist on my own".
Third, live out the aggression of the self.
We often lose ourselves in order to maintain relationships and gain recognition.
But our whole life is not to meet the expectations of others, your life is up to you.
Don't choose to please others in a self-sacrificing, self-repressive, and self-dwarfing way for fear of being hated.
You need, live-born aggressiveness as a human being.
Teacher Wu Zhihong believes that only by truly living and truly unfolding your life force can you form a core self.
"Only by truly presenting yourself and getting a feeling, which is okay, which is good, then you can internalize this real good thing into your heart and form a firm core, and there is no other way." 」
Fourth, you can also try to get closer to some people who have inner strength, and you will slowly become powerful.
This is my personal experience.
My greatest ability in middle school was to please, to be a person who was slapped by my peers and did not dare to squeak.
I was really grateful to have met the best friend of my life at that time.
She let me know that people I don't like can maintain superficial relationships without wronging myself; I can try to refuse what I don't like to do; I can fight back when I encounter injustice.
Slowly, I began to fall in love with myself little by little.
Finally, I would like to say that if you find it hard to become an avocado, there is no shame in making an onion, and don't be disappointed in yourself.
End with a quote from Owen Yaron:
"You may not be a better version of yourself, but you can be better yourself."
The world and I love you.
- The End -