Allowing children to lose their temper is the best way to educate them

Author: Qizi (Parents Intensive Reading Author)

Before, swipe to a video.

In the video, Baozi's mother said: "Little Baozi, I saw a child downstairs yesterday because he was so angry and slapped his face hard, it felt so scary. ”

Xiao Baozi calmly replied:

"Then his mother must not have taught him to do these three things when he is angry.

1. Express anger in words, and shout that I'm too angry when I'm angry.

2. Express anger with action + language, you can stomp your feet and shout when you are angry, I'm so angry.

3. Describe your emotional value + take the initiative to ask for help. My anger has reached 100 degrees Celsius and I need help. ”

After listening to the child, the mother happily praised:

It's great, we have to learn to express anger correctly, not angrily.

After watching the video, I couldn't calm down for a long time, and I couldn't help but ask myself what I did when my child lost his temper.

I have to admit that most parents choose to stop it immediately, but few parents give their children "guided communication" in time.

In fact, the best time for education is when a child loses his temper.

A child's tantrum is a form of communication

Dr. Luxemburg wrote in "Nonviolent Communication":

"Behind every kind of anger lies our expectations and needs, and to express anger is to fully express those expectations and needs. ”

I've seen a video like this:

A child, who was 3 or 4 years old, suddenly went crazy, only to see him constantly spit on his mother, slap his mother with his hands, and even lift the bench to smash his mother.

The child was inexplicably angry, and the mother could not understand it, so she angrily yelled at the child:

"Are you trying to crush me? Why are you suddenly angry?"

Instead of stopping the tantrums, the child struck his mother again. The mother grabbed the child, only to find that the child's pants were wet.

The story of the little boy Duoduo on the Wu Zhihong also impressed me deeply.

Because of the rain, the school's planned trip to the park was cancelled, and Tato felt irritated. While eating, he began to mess around.

Mom tried every means to persuade her, but Duoduo just didn't move the chopsticks, and pouted to eat dumplings.

Out of distress, my mother cooked a lot of favorite leek dumplings, but after he only ate one bite, he shouted that it was unpalatable, and cried and changed to eat rice balls.

As a result, the mother's patience was worn out, and she no longer relied on Duoduo, but she didn't expect the child to be even more unreasonable, crying and throwing bowls and chopsticks.

So, you see, there are reasons behind a child's bad behavior, and most of the reasons are because of the inability to solve external difficulties or the inability to express clear inner confusion.

There is a study in brain science that proves that the human brain is divided into the left brain and the right brain, the left brain desires order, and the right brain controls emotions.

When a child is born, the emotional brain is fully developed, but the logical brain does not develop until the age of 30.

When encountering problems, once the child cannot cope correctly, the emotional brain is immediately swallowed up by bad feelings, but unfortunately the logical brain cannot straighten out the thinking at this time, which eventually leads to behavioral deviations.

Tantrums are the appearance, what the child really wants to express is: I have encountered difficulties, I can't solve them, I need help.

A large part of the vexatious behavior in the eyes of parents is a communication signal for children to ask for help.

Parent-child education, less children lose their temper for no reason, and more parents who don't have the patience to figure out the reason.

The way parents respond determines the quality of communication

In life, I believe you must have seen such parents.

Once a child has a tantrum, they either stop it verbally or end it violently.

Children are spilling and rolling over something, and they have to choose to obey because they care about face.

There is also a kind of parents, I guess you have also seen on the Internet, their children crying hysterically, and they choose to watch calmly.

……

All of the above ways of responding are actually wrong, and they may eventually raise a sick child.

These children grow up to be either irritable, inferior, and cowardly, submissive, and pleaser, or self-mutilating to achieve their own ends.

As psychotherapist Peter Levine puts it:

"Unprocessed and released energy residues can be trapped in the nervous system, where they are waiting for revenge and can wreak havoc on our bodies and spirits. ”

There is such a story in the picture book "Listening to the Child".

On my brother's birthday, my mother gave my brother a gift, but when my brother saw the gift, he broke down and cried.

He yelled at his mother, "Why do you want to give me such a gift, you only love my brother, you don't love me at all." ”

The mother did not rush to reprimand the child, she realized that the reason why the child was so ranting was because the gift was similar to the one she gave her brother last time.

She saw behind her brother's anger, in fact, what she wanted to express was: "You don't love me".

The mother gently explained to the child, "I'm sorry you don't like this gift, but I do want to give you a good gift." I love you so much and will never hurt you. ”

Finally, the mother gave the child a big hug.

Under the guidance of the mother, the child not only lost his anger, but happily accepted the gift.

The writer Rebs once said, "The child loses his temper at you because he wants you to go into his heart and solve the problem." ”

Only the love of parents can restrain the irritability in children's hearts.

The love of parents does not give him abundant materials, does not force him to change, and does not leave him to fend for himself, but responds positively, helps him grow, and finally learns to cope with the way of life independently.

Guiding children to lose their temper correctly is the highest level of education that parents give their children

Wei Kunlin, a professor at Peking University in the program "The Strongest Brain", said: "Every time a child is emotional, I am not angry at all, because what I see is an opportunity for brain integration again and again. ”

When a child has a tantrum, it is the best time for parents to guide their children to deal with problems independently.

1. Describe emotions to help your child calm down

Emotion recognition is one of the most effective ways for children to calm down quickly.

Studies have shown that simply giving an emotion a name or a label can calm it down.

Therefore, when a child has a tantrum, it is particularly important for parents to name their child's emotions.

Parents can try saying something like, "I see you're throwing things, you're ...... , are you angry?"

Another most intuitive way is to take your children to watch the movie "Mind Squad" together.

In the play, children can clearly see that there are 5 different emotional villains in their heads, Lele (happy), angry (angry), worried (sad), disgusted (disgusted), and afraid (afraid).

Whenever a child throws a tantrum, parents can ask if the anger in your head is coming out.

If you love your child, you can help your child see his emotions clearly.

2. Accept emotions and avoid children drowning in emotional torrents

Emotions are an extension of the self, and acknowledging a child's emotions is equivalent to acknowledging the child himself.

Especially when the child's self is still in the formative stage, he needs the most affirmation from his parents. When a child has a tantrum, parents try not to use any judgmental words.

Tell your child with certainty:

"I know you're angry, it's okay to vent, but remember not to hurt yourself. I will always be here with you, Mom and Dad will always love you!"

When children are helpless, they are affirmed, seen and supported, so that they can not be swallowed up by huge emotions and avoid the formation of trauma and plots.

3. Retell emotions and integrate children's emotional and logical brains

In the book "Whole Brain Education Method", such a story is told.

Katie, 4 years old, loves school very much. But once, after she suddenly fell ill at school, she began to make a fuss about not going to school.

Dad Thomas understands Katie's mental journey: school = sick = dad leaving = scared. So the father decided to help the child integrate his emotional brain and logical brain.

He first guided the children to recall a lot of fun and interesting places in school.

Then ask the child, "I know you don't want to go to school because you're sick at school, right?"

Then the father recounted how the child felt on the day he got sick:

"We went to school that morning with great joy. You felt very uncomfortable later, but the teacher took good care of you, right? And Dad arrived as soon as possible, didn't he?"

With her dad's guidance, Katie knows what her emotional experience is going through. It didn't take long for Katie to rekindle her love for school.

No one but the parents themselves will be responsible for your child's emotions.

When a child loses his temper, it is the worst time for emotional experience, and it is also the most helpless and confused time.

Teaching children how to deal with negative emotions is the highest achievement of parenting.

I agree with the saying: When a child is the least lovable, it is precisely when he needs love the most.

At this time, he showed all his unbearable and helplessness to his parents in the ugliest way.

Only the love of parents can bring children positive experiences and experiences, and only by meeting the emotional needs of children will children grow in the direction that their parents expect.

Therefore, from today onwards, look at the child's bad behavior with loving eyes, perceive the child's various negative emotions, and try to turn the crisis encountered by the child into an opportunity for growth.

You know, you are the greatest luck in your child's life.

May parents grasp the best opportunity to educate their children when they lose their temper.

作者简介：琦子，富书作者，一个心中有梦，眼里有光，逐梦前行的写作者，一个人‬要想成功，不被阻挠，不被诱惑，这就是屏蔽力，文章：爸妈进化论，本文版权归富书所有，未经授权，不得转载，侵权必究

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