Hello everyone, I'm Daddy~
In the morning, I went downstairs to buy something, and met Yueyue, the daughter of the neighbor upstairs, in the elevator, and greeted her, the little girl didn't raise her head, buried it very low, just a faint "um".
I was puzzled at the time, because Yueyue's father often asked me to play chess, and from time to time he would bring his children to visit the house, so it can be said that our two families are very familiar with each other, so they will not be so angry.
In addition, Yueyue used to be a lively and lovely image, and she has always been good friends with our milk beans, and when she sees me, she is always an uncle who is long and an uncle who is short.
In the afternoon, I went to pick up our milk bean from school, on the way I asked the child if he had been playing with Yueyue recently, and the milk bean told me: Yueyue doesn't seem to be talking much recently, and sometimes she sends her a message to let her go out to play, which is also a variety of shirks, and also says that his father often says that she is not good at learning and Xi, and she wants to do her homework at home......
After listening to what our milk beans said, something suddenly occurred to me.
In the past, every time Yueyue's father brought his children to our house, the father and daughter would always make an unpleasant noise. Because we don't have a TV at home, the pastime for our children is reading, so almost every time someone comes to the house, you can see our milk bean holding an extracurricular book reading.
Because of this, Yueyue's father will always educate Yueyue in front of us and say: "Look at what people are doing, and then look at you, your grades are so poor, and you know how crazy to play in a day......"
Thinking of this, I understand why Yueyue has changed so much recently, and why the child has suddenly separated so much from us.
In fact, everything for children is inseparable from the education methods of parents, and many times, some behaviors that parents may have no bottom line will discourage children's enthusiasm and make children fall into deep inferiority.
01. Parents should not easily touch the 2 bottom lines, beware of children becoming inferior
The psychologist Adler once said:
The lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives, and the unfortunate people are healed of childhood all their lives.
If one day, you find that the lively and cheerful child has become depressed and untalkative, or suddenly seems to have grown up and become much more sensible......
Please don't doubt and blame him, because all these reasons are inseparable from his parents.
In family education, some behaviors that may seem harmless to our parents can push children into the abyss, make them become sensitive and inferior, and fall into deep self-doubt and negative emotions, so some bottom lines should not be easily touched.
(1) The first bottom line: "comparative education" for parents
As a parent, you may have heard or said something like, "Look at who, look at your ......"
This is a common sentence pattern in "contrastive education", and it is also the most destructive sentence pattern for children's inner world.
I've talked to a lot of parents about this before, and I said, why compare your own children with other people's children?
One parent replied: "This is how to set an example for the child."
In fact, whether there is a role model, we don't know, but the blow to children, is there must exist, if parents are Xi to using such an education method, it will make children have a thought: no matter what I do, in the eyes of my parents, I am not comparable to others.
Over time, children will have a sense of powerlessness and anxiety, which in turn will trigger their inner world of inferiority and pain.
My friends who used to do psychological counseling told me that when children Xi this comparison model, even if they grow up, far away from their original families, and do not have this forced comparison environment, the children themselves will involuntarily follow this education model, so that the next generation will fall into such a lethal educational environment.
So for the sake of your child's future, please keep this bottom line.
(2) The second bottom line: parents' percussive education
Percussive education can be said to be a painful memory for many post-80s and 90s children.
According to an online survey, ninety percent of the respondents claimed to have been hit by their parents' language, and the results of this survey were once on the hot search.
When this result is in front of you and causes great harm to the child, there may be some parents who think that the child should be hit, so that he can become successful, which is all for the good of the child.
But have you ever thought about it, maybe our starting point is good, but adopting the education method of "hitting and denying" is like inserting a dagger into the heart of a child, and some children may become more and more frustrated, and regain their strength in the sound of doubts and blows.
However, most children may lose themselves and become inferior and sensitive in the denial one after another, which will deeply affect their confidence and enthusiasm in life.
I love the phrase someone on the Internet:
To educate children, parents should not focus on their children's shortcomings and shortcomings, but on their children's shining points.
Because a sentence of negation and blow will bring negative psychological hints to the child, but a word of praise and encouragement can light up the light of the child's life.
02. Don't let children feel inferior, parents should start with "acceptance".
There is a question on the Internet: how easy is it to destroy a child?
The following high praise answer is: keep hitting and denying children, and keep comparing your own children with other people's children.
You know, every parent loves their children very much, but why do they use this kind of education so often?
I'm reminded of a survey done by counselor Archie, who may be able to answer this question very well, and he summarized three questions for parents to educate their children.
First, I don't accept my fate, I want my child to break through the class and achieve a leap in life.
Second, expecting too much from the child and longing for the child to be far ahead of his peers.
Third, everyone is rolling, affected by the "herd mentality", and parents also hope that their children can become dragons and phoenixes among people.
It is precisely because of this psychological dynamic that parents feel some pressure more than their children, so they will also "speak without words" to attack, deny and contrast education to their children.
In fact, if we think about it carefully, the core of the emergence of such a psychological dynamic is our "non-acceptance" of our current situation and life.
As parents, we can't accept our own ordinary, and we can't accept our children's ordinary, we are bound to fight our way out and let our children become that shining person.
But the key question is, with this way of education, we have so much expectation for our children, will the children really be able to develop in our direction?
The answer is no, not only can't, but even will make the child's childhood fall into endless pressure and panic, become inferior and cowardly, and lose confidence and courage in Xi learning and life.
Therefore, instead of this, as parents, we should start by accepting ourselves, and then slowly accept our children, affirming and praising them more, supporting and encouraging them more, so that children can feel the happiness of the family, harvest the sense of security given by their parents, and thus burst out of their own potential.
Just like some parents say, to educate their children, parents should seek inward, have nothing to ask for their children, and Buddhism is some, but things will develop in a better direction, but if they are too anxious and obsessed, children will fall into a swamp full of various psychological traps, and finally cannot find the direction of their own life and Xi study.
reminds me of what the host Dong Qing said:
Parents must first become that kind of person that you want your child to become.
In this regard, we deeply believe that instead of putting all our attention on the child, and eventually let the child bear pressure and become inferior and sensitive, it is better to focus on ourselves and ask ourselves to continue to grow, so that the child will also become as good as the parents in this subtle influence.
Therefore, wise parents will let themselves shine first, and encourage and support their children to shine as well.