After watching the female college student who had a conflict with her roommate and was sprayed by the whole Internet, I learned that the bane was buried in childhood 

Text | Rice grain mother

A female college student asked: My roommate was sick and moaned with fever, I didn't sleep all night after being noisy, I didn't want to pay attention to her, I was very empathetic?

The question at first glance seems simple and crude, and the comments are not surprising, and there are scolding on one side.

But after reading the subject's confession, Rice Gran's mother felt that it was not a taste in her heart.

The reason why the girl broke down and asked questions on the Internet was not because the conflict with her roommate could not be resolved, but because of her mother's calm and rational response after she told her mother about it.

Frankly speaking, as a bystander, Rice Mother felt that this mother's feedback was blameless.

She explained her daughter that her roommate was sick and uncomfortable, and she should be considerate and take care of others, and not have such a big grudge.

The truth was gentle and open-minded, and I didn't want to my daughter all of a sudden.

Is it really that the subject's personality is too sensitive and vexatious?

In fact, the crux of the problem is hidden in the last paragraph of the subject.

It's not just hands-on that it's called violence

Let's go through the ins and outs with my rice mom first.

At 1:50 a.m., the girl was woken up by her roommate from her dream.

The roommate began to have a bad cold during the day, a high fever in the middle of the night, and he kept crying out for pain in half a dream.

The girl said that her roommate was very loud and kept making intermittent noises, so that she could not sleep for a long time after waking up.

She couldn't bear to say to the other party: "Are you all right? Is it so uncomfortable? ”

The roommate didn't answer when he heard it, but he stopped making noise.

But after the girl spoke, the whole person woke up and did not fall asleep all night. The next day he was in very poor condition, with acne on his face and sore eyeballs.

The more she thought about it, the more she held back, so she sent a message to her mother to complain, because in anger, she complained really badly.

After listening to it, my mother did not comfort half a sentence, and came up to ask rhetorical questions + criticism:

"Why are you like this?"

"She's uncomfortable, don't talk about her like that!"

The daughter saw that her mother did not understand, and said more and more angrily:

"I'm leaving, I'm going to leave the dorm all day today, go to the library, and come back at night when I sleep." me off! ”

Seeing that her daughter was hot, her mother ignored her emotions and continued to output:

"Where are you going, where are you going?"

"You're friendly to the human room! You have to learn to care about people! ”

I didn't sleep well all night, and I was involuntarily educated by my mother, and the girl exploded to vent on the Internet.

In fact, by this time, she was not suffering because of conflicts with her roommates, but entered her emotional cage.

There were two things she couldn't accept.

The first is why the roommate can't bear it. I also had a high fever and pain all over my body, but in order not to disturb other people's sleep, I was stunned and didn't say a word.

Secondly, why did the mother react like this?

She didn't blame her mother for refusing to stand with herself, but she didn't understand, obviously her mother taught herself to be patient since she was a child, why did she suddenly double standard when others were sick and she was disturbed?

She wrote at the end:

"I think back then, when I was six years old, I was stung in the head by a big scorpion, and in my sleep, I unconsciously hummed a few times, was pulled up by my mother, and scolded my head.

Later, I found it under my pillow, tears, how the six-year-old me held back my moaning, fortunately I found out later, or I would have to be beaten to death by my mother. ”

This is the root cause of her emotional breakdown.

But the mother may never know that the few "unintentional scolding" words to her daughter back then were so lethal.

There is a concept in psychology called "identifying with the attacker" - children who have been violently attacked by their parents' language often learn not to "do unto others what they don't want", but to treat their relatives, friends, and even the next generation in the same way.

I remember Mr. Cai Yuanpei said in "The Cultivation of Chinese": "What determines a child's life is not academic performance, but sound personality development, and the first thing parents need to do is to change the tone and way of speaking!" ”

This passage cannot agree more, only the change of parents can end the cycle of tragedy.

It should be loosened and not blocked

In fact, children learn to get along with emotions at a very young age.

Hungry crying, shouting for attention, tears after injury, children are expressing their emotions.

But for parents, when children cannot express their needs in words, how to deal with these emotions is all about experience and intuition, and most of them are confused.

This leads us to rarely think seriously about what is hidden behind the child's emotions?

What's worse, some parents regard their children's bad emotions as ignorant and directly block them back with a few words.

As everyone knows, the bad emotions that are violently suppressed by parents will accumulate into one pimple after another, and sooner or later, it will become a contradiction between parents and children that cannot be ignored.

There is a very sad scene in "The Young Man Says", and Mi Li's mother is still deeply impressed.

The girl Xiaoye faced the audience, half mocking, half emotion, ridiculing: "My mother's life must be very bitter, otherwise why is her mouth so poisonous?" ”

For example, if the math test is not good, the mother will say: "Oh roar ~ you are such a talent!" Next time you do this, you don't have to go to school. ”

Xiao Ye imitated his mother's tone and restored the scene of his daily being pierced in his heart, and made the audience laugh with just a few words, but no one noticed that Xiao Ye on the stage quietly had red eyes.

But my mother did not reflect when she heard these words, but instead chiseled herself:

"Mom's starting point is for your good, I want you to be ashamed and courageous, and strive to be an excellent child."

But the mother ignored that her few sarcastic words with guns and sticks blocked her daughter's desire to talk, and those embarrassing and disappointed emotions could not find an outlet, but only rushed inward, leaving the child covered in wounds.

In fact, emotions are like a stream of water, which should be loosened and not blocked.

As parents, one lesson we need to learn on our own is to deal with our children's emotions first and then solve problems.

Rice grain mother watched "Wilderness Talks" some time ago, and several guests in one of the episodes discussed the proposition of "emotional value", which benefited rice grain mother a lot.

In the program, teacher Shen Yifei mentioned that in a relationship, when one party confides in the other party about his or her experience, his first need is often not to solve the problem, but to expect comfort.

This comfort is based on active listening, to let the other party feel that you care about TA's feelings, understand TA's grievances, empathize with that distress, and let TA know that they are not bad.

The same principle applies in parent-child relationships.

Watched a video.

It was the meal, the grilled fish shop was busy, and the owner's 5-year-old son volunteered to help his father with the dishes.

But I didn't expect that the child tripped over the grilled fish, and the grilled fish overturned.

The son cried and ran back to confess his mistake to his father, and the father did not scold the child for helping out because he was in a hurry, his first reaction was to comfort his son and tell him that the fish was not important and that another one could be grilled.

The guests also warmly said that it was okay and could wait a little longer.

Such an attitude bridged the crack of guilt in the child's heart and allowed him to confirm his father's unconditional love.

From the perspective of educational effectiveness, it is obviously much better to express concern and love directly than to belittle and criticize in a roundabout way.

Emotional therapy, words and deeds

Speaking of the female college student who got into trouble with her roommate, now look back at her self-doubt when asking questions: Is it because I don't have empathy?

Mother Mi can only answer apologetically, yes, you do lack empathy, but that's because you haven't been educated in empathy since you were a child.

Because her childhood pain was scribbled by her mother, she now does not know how to communicate gently with others.

Smart parents know how to teach their children how to express emotions correctly in life.

Never underestimate the power of words and examples, the way parents treat each other is actually a natural classroom for children.

Recently, Rice Grain's mother saw a model teaching material that teaches by word and deed.

In the surveillance video, the mother accidentally dropped the bowl on the ground and spilled juice, she was startled and stood there stunned and did not react.

The first thing the child said when he heard the voice ran over and blurted out, "Mom, are you all right?"

Soon the father in the bathroom rushed over with a head of foam, gently stepped forward to pull the mother aside, comforted and squatted down to wipe the juice splashed on the mother, and quickly cleaned up the mess.

Dad blamed himself while cleaning up, saying that he put the bowl too far aside, which would lead to accidents, and there was not a word of criticism of his mother in his words, full of concern.

Dad is telling his child with his every move that the feelings of his lover are more important than this mess.

Although the rice grain is a puwa, from childhood to adulthood, even when I was two or three years old, whenever I fell, bumped, touched, he would rush over to me and hug my father for the first time, and every time he would say: "It doesn't hurt to knead."

And the child's initial reaction clearly reflects the results of his parents' education - he has long learned how to provide emotional value in intimate relationships.

And these are exactly what many of our parents give to their children the most.

When children encounter difficulties, fall into emotional troughs, and begin to self-doubt and self-denial, what they need is not "success learning" or "methodology", but a bowl of "chicken soup for the soul" boiled with love - a pair of hands that firmly hold his hands, a gentle embrace that works better than any reason.

The same is in the face of children's test smashing, some parents are sarcastic, and some parents are warm and enlightened.

A second-grade girl has loved Chinese since she was a child, and she has a soft spot for composition, but she lost her way in the subjects she was best at.

After the results came out, the little girl was sullen for several days, and refused to tell her parents what she really thought.

At this time, the mother did not criticize her or rudely urge her to continue her efforts, but wrote a letter to carefully and carefully guide the child to face bad emotions.

After reading her mother's letter, the little girl swept away the haze and showed a relieved smile.

I believe that this time, through the mother's initiative, the child will no longer choose to sulk when he encounters troubles in the future, but will open the door to communication and better channel himself.

At a time when children's psychological problems are frequent, facing emotions and dealing with emotions is no longer a hypocritical topic that is not worth mentioning, but a compulsory course that requires parents and children to participate together.

As psychologist Daniel Goleman said, "Family life is the first school we learn emotions." ”

As parents, it has long been an indispensable and critical part of education for us to provide emotional value to our children in a timely manner so that they can learn to cope with their emotions.

Personal profile: @米粒妈爱分享 rice grain mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning dry goods, educational experience and further education.