Valentine's Day is coming, the editor said: "Boss, you write a Valentine's Day gift you received after 25 years of marriage!" ”
I looked at her indifferently and said, "I haven't received it, I can't write it." ”
The editor of the mother-fetus solo was speechless, and what she didn't understand was that in intimate relationships, romance is not a cause, but an effect.
An intimate relationship is first "relationship" and then "intimacy".
Only when the relationship is well managed can you reap the gifts of intimacy - romantic time, warm family, rich life.
That's the real gift.
So how to run the relationship?
I was recently researching Sun Tzu's Art of War and found that the answer is in it.
The so-called art of war, applied to intimate relationships, is not a war between two people in the relationship, but two people fighting side by side to defeat the "enemies" who drag down the relationship -
Desire, laziness, greed, impulsivity, all kinds of human weaknesses, external temptations and realistic crit...
"Sun Tzu's Art of War" is the art of war, but also the method of the heart.
Read it, and you will have the password of the business relationship.
01
Soldiers, a major event of the country. The place of death and life, the way of survival and death, must not be ignored.
Military affairs are a major matter related to the life and death of the country, and they must not be taken lightly, but must be carefully examined!
Isn't intimacy a big deal?
Although it is not life and death, a bad relationship will still bring great consumption to both parties, especially women.
If there are more children, it is even more complicated.
Therefore, we must have a sense of awe for intimate relationships, do not fall in love and enter the palace of marriage regardless of it, and must carefully observe each other first.
With the preliminary examination and comparison, it is possible to evaluate whether the relationship can go forward with a high probability, and thus formulate a strategic direction.
02
All these five will not be heard, and those who know will prevail, and those who do not know will not win.
The first article of Sun Tzu's Art of War is "Scheme", and the "Scheme" here is the fundamentals, not the operational aspects.
As a general, we must have a deep understanding of the five aspects of the Tao, heaven, earth, general, and law.
For example, which monarch is more popular with the people, which general has the ability to lead troops to fight, which side has the right time and place, which party's decrees can be implemented, which side has a stronger army...
If you know, you can win, otherwise you can't win.
The marriage relationship also needs to be "strategic", and the "calculation" here does not mean to "calculate" the other party, but to calculate the fundamentals of the relationship from the beginning.
The so-called "fundamentals" of course include some external things, such as: height, appearance, family lineage, education, work, whether there is a garage...
In addition to this, there are some very realistic factors such as:
Do two people get married and have children?
For children is it chicken dolls or free-range?
Where do two people want to live after they get married?
What kind of relationship do you want to maintain with your family?
......
These are the fundamentals in a relationship, and entering a marriage without a full understanding of the fundamentals is likely to lay a big thunder.
During the Lantern Festival, I went back to my mother's place to watch old photos with her, and saw the photos of choosing wedding dresses back then, and my beautiful appearance was really cute.
But looking back after 25 years, in fact, whether the two people are happy after marriage has nothing to do with what style the wedding dress is.
Fortunately, at that time, although I was young and silly, I still asked my husband an important question before I got married: "I will return to China to work in the future, do you agree?" ”
Fortunately, he agreed, otherwise I might not have had the courage to do it:
"Will listen to my plans, use them to triumph, and keep them." He will not listen to my plan, and he will fail to use it, and he will go" - I will stay if he listens to me, and I will leave if he does not listen to me.
03
Knowing oneself and knowing one's opponent will not be defeated.
Understand each other and understand yourself, in order to be invincible and invincible.
In addition to those "fundamentals", if two people want to go down, they must look at each other's thinking and behavior patterns, and avoid coming together because of the "five senses" and parting ways because of the "three views".
But I now think that while it's important to know the other person, it's even more important to know who you are.
We often think that we are "confidants", but we don't really understand, especially when we are young, our contact with the world is so limited, and we lack the channels and awareness to understand ourselves.
It's as if I'm in
"My Three Ex-Boyfriends"
At that time, I thought that being a woman who was a bird could exchange for the love of my ex-boyfriend, but I was dumped.
Now it seems like this idea is too stupid, and I don't know myself, right?
How can I be willing to be a weak woman in an intimate relationship if I have to stand in position C everywhere I go and be a big sister when I go out?
Even if it is weak, then the old lady takes the initiative to show weakness, right?
Psychologist Jung said: "Only when you see the person inside you clearly, will his vision be clear." ”
So when you are young, you still have to read more, work more, see the world more, and have more boyfriends. Only in this way can we constantly increase our understanding of ourselves.
When the vision is clear, you will understand better when you look at yourself, and you will naturally see the man's vision more clearly.
04
Victory in a hundred battles, and those who are not good are also good; Those who surrender without a fight, so do the good.
What can be defeated every time you fight is not a skill, do not defeat yourself, and can resolve conflicts before conflicts is a higher mental method.
I was recently studying "Organizational Relationship System" coaching, and the teacher left an assignment for us to go back and coach a relationship, which can be a couple, or a superior, subordinate, or a colleague.
I chose the area of coaching that I was least familiar with – couples.
Before the coach, I was nervous, but when the two of us talked together, I found that there was actually no big contradiction. It's just that the wife thinks that her husband is angry and has a black face and does not communicate; My husband thinks that his wife is too stubborn, and since you don't listen to me, then I'm too lazy to say.
Sounds familiar, right? Conflict is inevitable in intimate relationships.
One likes to go to bed early and get up early, and the other likes to be a night owl;
One likes to go out on weekends, and the other only likes to stay at home;
......
Behind these seemingly trivial things is actually a struggle for power - both people are trying to fight for the right to speak in the relationship.
So how to avoid conflict and hurt feelings? It's not about quarreling every day, it's not about not quarrelling, the key is how to quarrel so that you can fully express yourself without causing greater conflict.
It's as if this couple, after some coaching that I am not yet very proficient in, finally the man said:
"In the future, I communicate more, and communication is like opening a window, maybe flies come in, but also air comes in."
The so-called quarrel is just communication with emotions, which is better than not communicating, right?
It's just that emotional management in conflict is also very important, to know that impulses are the devil.
My husband and I agreed when we got married, not to quarrel overnight, not to get angry overnight, and not to mention "divorce" casually.
Don't fight for what, especially don't fight for the moment.
05
Win with righteousness, win with wonder.
Wise people will take the initiative to lay out, leave themselves an emergency plan, and be prepared when they are in danger.
Give yourself one more choice, and you will be comfortable in the face of change.
My son said that day that he could only enter a poor family to find a job after graduating from his major, and his girlfriend said very proudly next to him: "It's okay, I'll raise you!" ”
I thought to myself that the way of this world has changed, and it has become that girls are responsible for making money to support their families, and boys are responsible for looking beautiful.
But this word, whether it is said by men or women, is just a earthy love sentence, and whoever takes it seriously is stupid.
How many marriages ended up losing not to mistress, but to money.
It's true that poor couples mourn.
It's okay to be in love, but you also need to keep yourself a plan B. Don't get carried away in love, there is no ego.
Life is never once and for all, and everything depends on yourself.
So, sisters, save some money and keep an eye on it.
06
Upper army felling, second felling, then felling soldiers.
Although "Sun Tzu's Art of War" is a art of war, its consistent thinking is that if it can be fought, it will not be fought.
Because as long as a fight is raised, the price of siege is very high, so it is the next strategy.
If you have to fight, don't say if you win or not, the key is not to lose first.
Defeating the enemy does not mean winning, the key depends on whether you become stronger or weaker.
One of my CEO girlfriends heard about me as a coach and asked me, "Are you a marriage coach?" ”
I said, "That's another area I can't do, I'm just an executive coach." ”
She asked me, "So how much do you coach for an hour?" ”
I said, "Not much, 10,000 or 20,000." ”
She said, "Oh, that's not much, I've heard that the consultants who specialize in "catching mistresses" are 200,000. ”
I believe that 200,000 is nothing for rich people, after all, if you can catch the mistress and get the property, what is 200,000?
But even if you win a lawsuit, do you really win your life?
If nothing else, just look at the verbal battle between Wang Xiaofei and Da S, so far, it seems that except for Zhang Lan winning, neither of them has become stronger because of this?
In comparison, Zhao Liying and Yang Mi quietly divorced their marriage, not entangled in who is right and who is wrong, who loses and who wins, each other is well, and it is over to concentrate on making money.
07
Therefore, the army is impermanent, the water is impermanent, and the one who can win due to the change of the enemy is called the god. Therefore, the five elements are impermanent victory, the four times are impermanent, the day is short and long, and the month is dead and alive.
Everything in the world changes, every marriage is different, and every stage of marriage is different.
Just like the current of water, being able to change according to different situations and adjust the tactics of marriage is the most powerful.
Whether a marriage can eventually go on is not only a matter of strength for both parties, but also a matter of probability.
Every relationship is a living being, each with its own life.
Just like "the day is short, the moon has death and life", not every relationship has to go to the end.
Know that victory and defeat are often unequal, and sometimes losing a relationship will win a life.
And to save a relationship, it seems to win, but it may lose life.
It's just that when to insist and when to let go, this is the great wisdom of the world, there is no answer in the book, you can only understand it in the world.
In every relationship, see people, see yourself, see heaven and earth. Love people, love yourself, love the world.