Behind Hu Mouyu's suicide: Why are the children's cries for help not heard?

Source: Pixabay

Written | Su Weichu

Responsible editor| Xu Zhuojun

More than 100 days after disappearing, 15-year-old Hu Xinyu was identified as hanging. As with similar tragedies in the past, we always ask afterwards why did it happen?

After his disappearance, thousands of local people were mobilized to search for him, and a large number of online anchors rushed into the county, and a single related video was viewed millions of times. However, before his death, the voice of this 15-year-old boy was unnoticed, obscured by the description of others as "introverted", "withdrawn", "motivated" and "well-behaved".

It's not that he didn't send out a distress signal. After the incident, the local police sought a psychological expert and, through interviews and analysis, identified the juvenile's world-weary and suicidal tendencies.

Whether it's in the phone calls with parents — crying three times a day that they don't want to study and want to go home, communicating with classmates and teachers — saying that studying is stressful, and resting is not good, in class notes - "What will happen if I don't live?" Hu Xinyu has shown signs of tragedy.

But almost all the links missed his cry for help.

A number of psychological counselors interviewed told Intellectuals that in many of the cases they handled, children had more or less tried to send out a signal for help.

Before possessing the ability to tell painful emotions, some children already felt the pain in real terms, and their bodies reacted bluntly, breaking out in cold sweats, shaking, and diarrhea.

Some children tried to express themselves awkwardly, with one small child saying, "I feel uncomfortable, I always want to cry". Another child asked the counselor, is death a snake molting?

In addition to verbal expression, some children show that they do not want to go to school and are prone to anger.

But in the adult world, these signals are denied and ignored. Parents are used to saying, "How many children are in a bad mood" and "too fragile".

Children who are about to drown try to make the cry for help louder, and some adults pinch their ears, only feeling noisy, "rebellious" and "disobedient".

"A child doesn't just decide to die because he was slapped twice by his parents. The problem of suicide is a more systematic and complex situation. A psychiatrist who has been engaged in suicide intervention for many years emphasized.

Another volunteer involved in suicide intervention compared the prevention and intervention system to a net, where family-school-hospital-institution-community should hold children with suicidal ideation.

Some children were stumped, but some were not.

1

Adult-constructed childhood picture: "Children have no pain"

Children who tell of suicidal ideation are moving in age and "getting younger." ”

Zhang Bin, a former deputy director of crisis intervention at Shenzhen Kangning Hospital, has been doing crisis intervention training in recent years, and reports from schools and parents that children in primary school have developed suicidal ideation.

Other counselors and psychiatrists have also reported a trend toward younger suicidal ideation.

Data from 2019 shows that between 10% and 20% of children and adolescents worldwide suffer from mental health conditions. Mental illness, which accounts for half of all mental illnesses, begins before the age of 14. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents aged 15 to 19 years.

In a 2016 study, researchers surveyed 12,733 Chinese children and adolescents in 13 regions of China on suicidal ideation, and 32% of them reported suicidal ideation.

Among the children who reported suicidal ideation, 27.67% were 9~12 years old, 36.93% were 13~15 years old, and 33.89% were 16~18 years old.

According to the China Health Statistics Yearbook, in 2006~2016, in urban areas, the suicide mortality rate of children aged 10~14 increased sharply, from 0.24/100,000 to 0.98/100,000, but the suicide mortality rate of children aged 15~19 decreased somewhat.

However, in the face of such a grim fact, in the cognition of many adults, children are not painful. Even if the pain before them is so clear and profound.

An 11-year-old child walks into the psychiatrist's office with her mother, the wound under her sleeve has been scabbed, she cut it herself, and the mother's opening statement to the doctor is, "The child is puberty, making little emotions." The doctor noticed that the child had pouted and turned his head away.

Another child who is about to enter junior high school cried and said to his parents, "No one plays with me", and the answer is, "You are going to study, not to make friends, you study hard, naturally someone is willing to be friends with you."

Zhang Bin found that the first reason why many parents are willing to seek help is "the decline in children's grades", rather than focusing on emotions themselves.

Some young children cannot recognize their emotions, let alone express them in words, and emotional problems will manifest themselves more specifically: such as diarrhea before exams, fever.

There is also a more serious situation in which the child's daily functions have been impaired, such as insomnia, difficulty concentrating, and loss of motivation to do things.

But at the other end of the spectrum, parents realize that things are getting bad because they notice a problem with their child's grades or because teachers report that their children have been in bad class recently. From this, other problems were brought to the fore. Parents walk into the clinic to ask for help and ask what needs to be done to improve their children's grades.

Some seminars have elaborated on the brain development structure of children and adolescents from a neuroscience perspective, where children can perceive emotions just like adults, but at the same time lack the ability to process and control emotions. Children and adolescents also respond much more strongly to fear and stress than adults. Compared to mature brains, adolescent brains have much fewer tools to cope with stress and take longer to return from stress to normal levels.

Among the risk factors for suicide in Chinese children and adolescents, researchers found that children were trapped in interpersonal interactions, learning anxiety, family care styles, and traumatic events. But back to reality, the pain perceived by children is often used as a footnote to the growth process, and adults cover everything with "want to attract attention", "naughty" and "disobedient".

Chen Yingfang mentioned in "Children in Images" that the picture of "childhood" is more constructed by adults based on social culture and self-perception, and in many statements, as the subject, the child itself is speechless.

"Adults, as passers-by, often present themselves as the insight and spokesperson of the child's world, in fact, they cannot get rid of the position of adults, and they cannot really understand everything in the child's world."

In the doctor's office, you will find that the confusion of adults is also so real: "You don't have to worry about survival, there is no pressure to make money, you just need to learn, what is the pressure/worry/anxiety/pain?" ”

Although each of us has experienced childhood, the adult imagination of childhood is still romantic. Childhood seems to be a contrast to the state of adulthood - how many troubles adults have, as a symbol of spiritual home, how carefree the picture of childhood is. A cognitive myth is that even if a child feels sad, he will pass by unscathed, and that's how we come over.

If pain is not seen and acknowledged, how can it be supported?

Zhang Bin said, "We talk about self-injury and suicide in children and adolescents, there is no causal relationship between the two themselves, but for a child with self-injury behavior, this already means that he/she has pain in his or her heart, and it also means that he/she does not have conventional health and safety means to deal with emotions, once this method fails, and there is no other alternative, the means will be upgraded and more thorough."

2

When the family becomes a gaming arena

Doctors and counselors have captured shame when parents are told that their children are depressed or even suicidal ideating. "Inevitably, how can I raise a child like this?"

Similar words and confrontations are repeated repeatedly, "You say that you are not dead all day, just to attract attention" and "If you have the ability, you will die." In Zhang Bin's view, behind such words, parents hope to prove that "children's suicidal ideation is false."

Even the child's expression of pain outside is considered a dissolution of parental authority. A girl once told her teacher about her dilemma, and after the teacher communicated with her parents, when she came home, her mother said, "I am so good to you, you say bad things about me outside." ”

But denial does not mean the death of emotions.

The attitude of parents reflects the myth of suicide in society as a whole. The World Health Organization's 2014 book Suicide Prevention – A Global Imperative lists misconceptions about suicide, such as "talking about suicide does not mean going to kill it" and "talking about suicide is understood as encouraging suicide".

In it, the World Health Organization writes:

"People talking about suicide may be asking for help and support, and many people who talk about suicide are experiencing anxiety, depression, hopelessness."

"Because of the pervasive stigma surrounding suicide, many people who discuss suicide do not know who to talk to, and discussing suicide openly not only does not encourage suicidal behavior, but rather gives the person other options or time to reconsider their decision and thus prevent suicide."

Including parents, suicide becomes obscure, and we lack the means to cope when others show suicidal ideation. Based on this, shame, denial, and avoidance are all imaginable.

Even if the child has sent a distress signal, the decision on whether they can receive treatment and intervention is still in the hands of the parents.

Volunteers who answered the suicide hotline reported similar cases, with children who asked for help saying they were in pain, but their families reacted, "You're just hypocritical, but you're not sick." ”

Even at the hospital, doctors found that the progress of treatment was difficult, limited by the parents' cognitive level and financial conditions.

Some parents walk into the clinic just because "this is required by the school", and parents hope that the doctor will write a diagnosis that there is no disease and that their children can resume school smoothly. Some parents refused the drug after checking it online, on the grounds that it was "not good for the child's brain".

A minor consulted a psychological counselor on the Internet, and she got a diagnosis of severe depression, but the parents' attitude to this is "just adjust it yourself". Hoping for help, she timidly asked the young counselor, "Can I give you an IOU?" ”

However, the real dilemma is that it is difficult for any medical institution or individual to bypass parents and provide medical support for minors alone.

This is the dilemma that lies before doctors and counselors. They noticed that some children gradually became independent, aware of pain, and willing to ask for help, but at the same time, they had to rely on their families to survive. "When faced with parents who do not understand and do not support, children who do not have professional support in the first place will fall into stronger conflict and pain."

3

Dysfunctional systems

An ideal crisis intervention system is one in which when a child has suicidal intentions, the people around him can keenly detect it, so that they can enter the medical system for intervention and treatment.

For suicide interventions for children and adolescents, schools outside the home are identified as another field that requires a focused response. In recent years, the education system has increased its focus on mental health from the top down, and school students of all ages, many of whom are required to fill out psychological scales.

On an ideal level, how is a child with suicidal ideation recognized?

The initial scale does not highlight suicide, but is screened for depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, etc., and for individuals with abnormal scores, professional psychological teachers assess suicide risk through interviews.

However, in the process of implementation, some school screenings failed.

Under the influence of collectivism, children do not want to be seen as "other", which means that their relationships will be damaged.

On the other hand, the marked child will be considered a risk factor, and the school will often arrange for the student to suspend school with reference to the doctor's diagnosis.

Qin He (pseudonym), a counselor who provides psychological support to Beijing schools, said that from the school's point of view, suspension from school is a life choice without connotation, hoping that children can ignore any problems and focus on treating diseases.

But from the perspective of students and parents, suspension means losing social, life and academic stagnation for a period of time, which is more like a "punishment".

Some children set their sights online. Strangers or volunteers from suicide intervention hotlines received signals, but the embarrassment was that it was difficult for them to help the person in desperate need in reality.

Zhang Xiaohai has long been interested in psychological crisis intervention, and she is also a writer in the field of medical and health care. In 2021, a case she experienced almost intuitively showed another embarrassment of the intervention system: not without a call for help, but also someone recognized the signal and warned in advance, but in the protective net, the 16-year-old girl still missed.

The girl has repeatedly told Zhang Xiaohai, a trusted netizen about her suicidal thoughts, and netizens tried everything to persuade the other party to seek medical treatment, but they all ended in failure.

She said the family had a strong stigma for the psychiatric hospital; I persuaded her to see a counselor, and she said that her hometown was a small place, no; I used the psychological APP to check it out to her, and I could consult online, and she said that she didn't have that much money. I suggested that she communicate with her parents and teachers, and she said it was not feasible. ”

The girl said that she could not tell her parents about the idea of not wanting to live, and she was worried that her parents would get more excited and say something that should not be said.

After the girl further talked about "picking a place", Zhang Xiaohai called the suicide intervention hotline, and the volunteer said that he could only intervene in person, and could not help with requests that were not himself. She managed to get the girl's phone number and address again.

When the girl said that she wanted to buy clothes, "tomorrow is the end", Zhang Xiaohai called the police. More than an hour later, the police called back, saying that the parents had been contacted, and the parents said that there was absolutely no such thing.

That night, the girl called again, she slept alone in a room, unaccompanied. At four o'clock in the morning, tragedy struck.

Afterwards, when the girl's mother contacted Zhang Xiaohai, the netizen told the girl's complaints and dissatisfaction before her death, the mother said, impossible, it was all her fantasy, the child has a good relationship with us since childhood, very well-behaved, and very optimistic.

The parents' explanation for the police call was, "I thought it was a liar."

When we review each tragedy after the fact, we can always detect abnormalities from those "well-behaved" and "obedient" gaps, such as children avoiding socialization, insomnia, crying often, expressing the meaninglessness of life, and so on.

But we can't blame individual negligence, and suicide is taboo and untalked about throughout the system.

Zhang Bin mentioned that after the suicide incident, one of the things they still need to do is postvention, which carries out graded intervention for teachers, classmates, and parents around the suicide. But whether it will be done depends on whether the school has this understanding, even if they can enter the school, sometimes the attitude of the school leaders is, "do it quietly, don't make it bigger."

4

Sinking children

When we talk about why children's distress signals fail, one of the realities we need to face is that in our social culture, expression is inherently difficult.

Researchers have found that in Asian cultures, individuals show more stoicism when they suffer. People who complain openly are considered to be socially poor. Children tend to learn the ability to deal with emotions from the previous generation, and he/she is asked that when a person feels negative emotions such as sadness and pain, he or she should not draw attention to others.

Zhang Bin also found this in practice in China and the United States, where professionals have always emphasized that children need social support from the perspective of crisis intervention. But in Chinese and Asian families, he has found that children often express that they have friends but are reluctant to contact them for support. "I think he's also busy and has to study, so I won't say it."

"Chinese children will be more inwardly attacked, they will express that they are not worthy, that they are not worthy, that they are not worthy, and they will worry that telling difficult problems will increase the burden on others. This means that these children face additional barriers to accessing social support. ”

If some children express signals that are "rebellious" and "non-mainstream", others silently squeeze out of childhood and adolescence in "well-behaved" and "introverted".

A child who has had suicidal ideation talks about her painful and sensitive adolescence, she hides under the covers and cries, feels intense loneliness, has thought about suicide many times, and even feels that she is standing on the edge. But none of this has been noticed by the outside world.

She became an adult, and nothing seemed to have happened. Her parents talked to her friends and proudly praised her, "I haven't experienced adolescence much, I don't rebel, I don't worry about people." ”

There are also some children who have not gone through puberty, and he/she sinks like Hu Xinyu.

References: (swipe up and down to browse)

1. https://news.un.org/zh/story/2019/11/1045021

2. Tan L, Xia T, Reece C. Social and individual risk factors for suicide ideation among Chinese children and adolescents: A multilevel analysis[J]. International journal of psychology, 2018, 53(2): 117-125.

3. Chen Yingfang, Children in Images: A Sociological Analysis, Shandong Pictorial Press, 2003

4. Chen R, An J, Ou J. Suicidal behaviour among children and adolescents in China[J]. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2018, 2(8): 551-553.

5. World Health Organization, Suicide Prevention - Global Priorities, 2014

6. CHEN Qingwen, SUN Huimin. Review of the research status of alectical disorders[J]. Advances in Psychology, 2021, 11: 176.

7. Kerr, L. K. (2012). Alexithymia, Emotional Neglect & Capitalism: How are they related? Retrieved January 28, 2016.

8. Six hours before the girl's death, I was https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/qFm9Q8F-hD2CrGsaIcZA-w as a liar by my family when I called the police