Hello ~ "No Anxiety Call" column is coming ~ Past students will share their self-growth stories here. We will see you regularly every week from now on, and today's growth story comes from captain Happy of the Parents Club.
When you see this title, I think we must have felt full of self-blame on the word "big article"..., the replaceable words are "careless", "not serious", "sloppy", when we do not take good care of the child, let the child be hurt at that moment, similar negative words must come like a tide, the above examples of these words I think the mother who has a similar experience will only be more than not less.
These days, I experienced such a deep self-blame when my son was 7 and a half years old. Although the child was not seriously burned by me, I still fell into a deep sense of self-blame (to avoid visual impact, I put a picture of the bandage)...
It happens to be a very simple daily: at lunch time the son is eating, I sat across from him to drink a cup of boiled water, I went to hit a cup of boiling hot water in the thermos cup, opened the lid of the cup, ready to dry almost to drink, the initial position of the water cup is a little closer to the son, I tried to pick it up and put it away from him, the result backfired, did not hold steady, the whole glass of water was sprinkled on his thighs in an instant, and the child's tearing crying sounded... Then it enters the routine emergency treatment process such as cold water treatment and hospital bandaging.
If it happens to adults themselves, maybe we just follow the process, accept such a reality, and wait for self-healing.
But if it happens to the child, especially if the cause of this is the mother, during the whole process, especially after the child goes to the hospital to deal with it, I can't return to a normal state of sanity for a long time. The heart is full of millions of points of self-blame..... It seems to have entered a kind of stress disorder, and I repeatedly think about the moment when I take the cup of water myself, repeatedly assuming that if I am not thirsty, I will not pour the glass of water... If only I hadn't taken that cup... If only I had focused a little bit on taking a glass of water...
The constant self-blame made me feel physically and mentally dull, and I had nowhere to look for a place to talk, so I said in the group of the Non-Anxious Parents Club: "I made a small mistake today, I hurt the baby, I feel that I can't think anymore, blame myself..."
My self-blame was exchanged for the empathy of moms who had had similar experiences. At that moment, my sanity began to slowly come online.
In everyone's care and comfort, I slowly began to realize:
1) Self-blame does not mean that you are not a strong mother. Many mothers have had the experience of their children being injured and hurting. The child's growth process is inevitable to be injured, as a mother at that moment to feel the child's heart is normal; in everyone's common empathy, I slowly began to accept my own self-blame, the heart is saying: Oh, it is not that I can't do it, it is not strong enough to face the child's injury, it is the mother who will be distressed. The moment I accepted, I began to come out of self-imposed blame.
2. What is the lesson I learned in this incident. When I stopped mired in self-blame, my teammates' descriptions of their life scenes allowed me to see some avoidable little details in my small mistakes, and sanity began to come online. Why should I put so hot water, water that can not be drunk immediately on the table, this is a habit problem, this daily habit of putting boiling water cold to drink, has not happened before, can only mean that it is lucky, normal should always have warm water or a certain temperature of warm water at home. I should use this as a wake-up call to eliminate this security risk.
3. What should I focus on at the moment? A teammate said to me: It is more useful that we still have to calm down, provide a happy and happy atmosphere for the children, believe that everything will be fine, and then everything will really be fine.
In this sentence, my eyeballs see "happy and happy atmosphere", and I myself am very aware of my current state, in the eyes of the child must be 100% happy and happy, I caused physical harm to the child, I fell into the emotion of self-blame and could not extricate myself, it seems that the child is already hurt and afraid of the emotions to add to him a mother's unhappy emotional burden.
Things are irretrievable, what we can do is not to return to the present, so that children can easily and happily walk on the road to healing. A word from my teammate helped me to urgently step on the brakes from the state of self-blame.
4, positive and optimistic to look at setbacks. This seems to be a very chicken soup sentence, and it is universally applicable. People often try to persuade others when their reason is online. But when a person is in an emotional mood, the phrase becomes a nonsense.
I myself am in self-blame, occasionally a few seconds of sanity on the line, there is an inner voice to persuade themselves: don't think so much, the child in this process experienced pain and endured pain to go to the hospital to deal with the process, but also his life experience. But another voice came strongly: you don't pay attention to letting your children suffer from this, and make fewer excuses to excuse themselves. I didn't want to face repeated inner arguments, so I chose a state of self-blame that made me more comfortable.
A teammate shared with me that a male colleague pointed to the scars on his body and said that these were all men's medals. At once, I felt the power of the phrase "men's medal", which is the power of men's calm face and acceptance in the face of setbacks or pain. In this incident that has happened, I think I should give my son the same positive sense of strength.
Teammates also said: My mother said that the child is a little tribulation, easy to feed. A "man's medal" and "a good support" evoked the strength of my optimism.
The famous British writer George Bernard Shaw said: "If you have an apple and I have an apple, after exchanging with each other, everyone still has only one apple; if you have a thought, I have a thought, then after exchanging with each other, everyone has at least two thoughts."
On the day I talked to everyone, I felt that I had exchanged a "bad apple" for a fresh "banana", "pear", "grape"... Maybe this is the power of the collective, the power of a group of partners who have love and have the goal of growing together.
Today to share with you this small experience, not to tell you about the scientific processing process after the child's burn, but just want to share with you a few good "fruits" that I harvested in the Parents' Club without Anxiety:
When a child is sick or injured, I hope that each of our mothers understands that the self-blame that arises in their hearts is normal, and the mother's heart that prefers "illness in my body, injury in my body" Every mother understands;
When an accident occurs, in addition to seeking medical treatment in time, we need to review whether we have some bad living habits, take this as a lesson to adjust some unreasonable living habits in time, try to eliminate some possible safety hazards in life, and let ourselves and your family have a safer living space;
In daily life, especially when children experience pain, we practice to build some positive and optimistic life scenes for children, such as doing more games with children to divert the attention of pain; in a funny and figurative way to resolve children's worries about their own bodies and the fear of injury and not being able to recover normally.
Positive maxims, like good wishes, are not in themselves enough to make one an optimist. True optimists are not only positive thoughts, but are able to face the present moment, think positively and optimistically face every action and word.
When we face the setbacks and challenges of life, it is these unsatisfactory that give us the opportunity to cultivate positive thinking again and again, and gradually cushion the height of our and our children's future psychological resilience.
It is not easy to take a baby, I hope we can all become better selves. The "No Anxiety Parents Club" uses scientific analysis and rational judgment to make parents and children have a better emotional connection, and to find a better bridge to each other. Welcome to join us~
No Anxiety Parents Club Five-Day Experience Camp is here!
What is the "No Anxiety Parents Club"?
The Parents' Club is a parental co-learning community established by Tongxing College. Hope to create a quiet corner in the hustle and bustle of the world. Here there is the psychological content of learning together, the warm and co-built thinking atmosphere, and the beneficial communication of daily parenting. I hope that parents will gain more knowledge about growth and obtain methods of self-analysis, and I also hope that children will have more understanding and support and obtain longer-term learning methods.
How to learn from the "No Anxiety Parents Club"?
The Parents' Club adopts the method of "reading books + co-learning discussion", and conducts co-learning every two weeks around a psychology and education book. The course content includes book reading audio, original selected reading audio, discussion summary audio, understanding problems, applying what you have learned, learning and thinking about content discussion, and thinking about homework. More important learning comes from discussions and reflections among club teammates. It is a loving and inclusive environment in which confusion that is not usually solved can be heard, understood, affirmed and solved.
Author | Happy Captain
Captain of the Parents Club at Tongxing Academy
Advocate of the concept of general education, adhere to the lifelong learning practitioners with the baby on the road of parenting.
Tong Xing College
Systematic general education
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