Active cultivation: "Gardener" parents and "carpenter" parents, which one are you?

The characteristics of "gardener" parents: being aware, curious about their children, listening carefully, and allowing mistakes to be made.

Expert | Zhou Xinyuan

The head image | pexels

Sources | the possibility of growth

The child's initiative has always been a topic of concern to parents, when it comes to initiative, what behaviors will make parents feel that the child is not active?

- "Do everything to urge, feel like you're yelling all day." "If he gets to the point, he'll do it, consciously, without reminding him." "Do what parents expect, and don't get me into trouble." ”

These words of parents seem to express a wish: they hope that their children can meet the expectations of parents and operate by themselves. Being able to handle life and study independently and without parents worrying too much is the result that all parents dream of. But why do children always fail to meet parents' expectations?

What are the differences in parenting styles between "gardener-type" parents and "carpenter-type" parents that are often heard in parenting concepts? How do different parenting styles affect a child's initiative? Zhou Xinyuan, a psychological counselor at the Qiyuan Child Development Center of Zhongke, analyzed and interpreted this in the live lecture.

#01

Parents in parenting

What are the roles and features?

First of all, parents need to think for themselves: What is the role and function of parents? In other words, what are parents doing in the process of educating their children? What do you want to do? Some parents will say that parents are managing their children's learning life and helping them form good habits; providing a good education to make children self-disciplined; helping children establish rules; and providing a good environment for children to grow up healthily.

What is the subtext behind these words? In fact, many times parents are passing on "I want him to become..." Parents want their children to be self-disciplined and autonomous, although these qualities are very important, but the subtext conveyed in this way is more like the top-down discipline of parents to their children. Of course, parenting expectations are important, but parenting can't have just one perspective. "Parenting" has two aspects, there are parents and children, the child's perspective is always easy to be ignored by parents.

What was this kid like? What are the characteristics of development at this age? For example, many children always have some behaviors that parents cannot understand in the kindergarten stage, but in fact, they belong to this age and this stage of development.

How does this question relate to a child's autonomy? When parents want their children to "become what they envision," parents naturally become "controllers." Once the "controller" appears, the child's autonomy will definitely withdraw. This is why many parents want their children to develop a variety of good qualities, but the results are counterproductive.

At this time, parents will have new doubts, so if I want to cultivate the autonomy of my children, can I only ignore my children?

Of course not, parents still have to be good guardians, it is necessary to discipline the child, the boundaries and rules established at this time are very critical in the kindergarten stage, so how to grasp the "degree" of discipline? We compare "gardener"-type parents to "carpenter-type" parents.

#02

"Gardener" parents and "carpenter" parents

Different choices when dealing with problems

"Gardener"parents refer to providing children with a rich, stable and safe environment, accepting and appreciating the way their children naturally grow. "Carpenter-type" parents carve and shape their children according to their own ideas, and there is actually a standard of "model child" in psychology.

Parents can substitute themselves for themselves, what kind of parents are they, or what kind of parents do they prefer to be? Many parents may feel that "gardener-type" parents are better, and hope to be "gardeners", so in the actual parenting process, are parents doing "gardener-type"? Here I use two practical cases to help parents analyze.

The first question is more common: children rub, do parents want to care?

As soon as many parents hear the "gardener type", they feel that I should not manage my child and let him give full play to his autonomy. Is the developmental characteristic of a 3-6 year old self-centered, allowing him to control his own rhythm? That's not true.

The answer to this question is "get in charge." Give you a garden, you will not take care of it at all, and it will be overgrown with grass. Raising children is the same, "gardener" is also very hard, not to sow seeds on the line, but also to water flowers, weeds, catch insects, you have to know that this soil is not suitable for this seed, how to do if the weather is hot or cold? Parents must not confuse the two concepts of "autonomy" and laissez-faire freedom for their children.

It doesn't matter, but where to start is the key to distinguishing between a "gardener" and a "carpenter.".

"Carpenter"-type parents may more urge their children not to rub, rub there is a penalty, confiscation of your toys and snacks, this practice is very common, because there is time for parents really do not know what to do. Why is it that when parents deal with it this way, it is "carpenter type"? Because at this time, parents want to control this matter more, time management is in the hands of parents, children have no concept of time at this age stage, only think that I have not played enough, did not eat enough, but parents on the side of a look, nine o'clock, it is time to sleep!

"Gardener"-type parents will reflect that if the child frequently has problems in something, such as the matter of rubbing up, if there is a conflict every day, parents need to think: What is he rubbing on? Under what circumstances will you take the initiative? In addition, parents need to discuss with their children, when he is doing something, but the time to sleep is up, he should sleep, but he is not done in his hands, what should he do in this case? You can talk to him, such as telling him in advance that he can play for a few more minutes, or asking him afterwards to think about how to solve this problem.

The process of this discussion is not to ask the child what he must do, but to help the child form his own set of coping styles. Because in the end, children need to deal with these things on their own. All the accompaniment of the parent is actually to help the child establish a system to deal with the problem on his own, and the next time he encounters such a situation, he will know that the next time the time is up, but the work in hand is not done, how should he pause, control himself, and how to discuss. In the process, he will slowly develop autonomy.

Probably most parents will choose the first way, which is normal, because the second way is really difficult, but this is a perspective, when parents know more about a perspective, there is more opportunity for children to be autonomous.

I have encountered some cases during the consultation process in which the child said, "My parents don't listen to me." But the parents will say: "No, I let him choose what he wants to eat and wear, to satisfy him, why is his autonomy still so weak?" Why do children still feel no sense of control over themselves? Is it really necessary to listen to him completely? Again, parents should not confuse the two concepts of "autonomy" and laissez-faire freedom for their children.

The second example, which is also often encountered in life, is when the child says, "I'm not going to kindergarten tomorrow." ”

If your child told you that, how would you respond? There are two common responses, the first of which is, "That's not okay, the kindergarten has to go, I have to figure out how to get him to go." The second: "So?" If you don't want to go, then don't go. ”

Some parents will say that the first is the "carpenter type" who tries to control the child, and the second kind follows him, which is the "gardener type". In fact, both are "carpenter-type". Why did he agree to the child's request, or was he still a "carpenter"? This is the previous example, why have I obviously listened to his decision a lot, but still can't?

In fact, these two responses, whether they agree or not, are parents deciding and handling problems for their children. Parents can do it, but if they don't, they can't. In fact, parents do not understand the appeal behind the child, more out of the instinct to love the child, sometimes it is easy to become coddling: do not go to go. But this is not enough, there are many boundaries and rules that must be observed in the child's growth.

So what is the "gardener type"? What are the options between ok and no? In fact, parents do not have to rush to respond immediately, if the child suddenly tells you that you do not want to go to kindergarten, or say every day, there must be a reason behind it. Parents can listen and understand their children: "Is it?" So can you tell me why? "Maybe he has some conflicts with his friends and is unhappy, or he just wants to express that he is a little tired today, or maybe he just wants to play with his parents." There are many reasons, and every child is different.

If the child says, "I just don't want to go!" "Parents may be in a hurry, and the state of "carpenter" will come out. But at this time, parents can actually further empathize with their children: "It sounds like I am not very happy, is there anything special happening today?" ”

Children in the kindergarten stage have limited expression ability, which requires more guidance from parents.

#03

How to cultivate children's initiative

Be a "gardener"?

Many examples are shared, so, can we cultivate children's initiative? Many parents also feel that cultivating their children's initiative is not something that can be done by giving you methods and techniques, but more importantly, it is a parenting style.

If we want our children to be autonomous and creative, then we need to be "gardeners", and the seeds sown grow in all kinds of shapes, why is it so difficult to be a gardener? Because as a gardener, you have to endure waiting and accept uncertainty. You don't know which seed will look like, maybe you bothered to cultivate a certain quality for half a day and didn't grow up? Or it doesn't look like what you think it will be. But the "gardener" parent is to do what we can, to accept and appreciate whatever the child looks like. Parents take good care of this garden, this garden will not be too bad.

Why more parents like to be "carpenters", it is because the wood is in the hand, and the parents are controllable and secure. Pave a path for the child, don't step on the road, his future seems to be predictable.

Today's sharing is to provide parents with one more perspective, and it is not to require parents to become "gardeners" at once. It is important that parents realize that it is unrealistic not to do the work of a "carpenter" but to expect a garden full of flowers. When parents want to understand this, they can understand a little more about the parent-child relationship. During the consultation process, some parents said: "Why is my child not creative, not imaginative?" "But when we look at the child, we find that the child is particularly self-disciplined and well-behaved, so there needs to be a balance between the two, and parents can't want everything."

How to be a "gardener" parent? There are four suggestions:

■ Awareness Spend 10 minutes a day or week to observe the child's emotional state, even if the child is in a daze, you can observe his state and increase the parent's awareness.

■ Staying curious about the child Parents can explore what is expressed behind the child's behavior that is not very understandable.

■ Listen carefully, spend 10 minutes listening carefully to what the child is expressing. Don't judge or express opinions, just simply listen.

■ Allow parents who make mistakes to set a small goal for themselves, and we can not criticize a certain small mistake of the child. At the same time, think about it, in addition to criticizing him, what else can we do to remedy it?