"Love is a wonderful experience, love is a courage to fight against one's own body, love is an impulse to burn oneself."
In fact, not everyone will love, and not everyone can get a steady stream of energy by loving others, or bring a steady stream of energy to others.
My student Xiaohong is a girl who doesn't know how to love.
In the previous 28 years of youth, Xiaohong had talked about three relationships of more than two years. In every relationship, she was the one being pursued, and in the end, she was also the one who was broken up.
Because Xiaohong is a very suspicious girl, in the process of interacting with her boyfriend, she has given too much pressure to the other party.
Once, Xiaohong sent a message to her boyfriend who had just left work, and the man was driving at the time and did not respond in time. Therefore, Xiaohong, who is sensitive in her heart, opens the cranky mode while holding the mobile phone.
"At this point in time, he must have left work. Since he was off work, he should have been able to see my news in time and respond, but he didn't. Why is that?
He was busy with something more important and didn't hear from me.
However, he really had something important to be busy with, so busy that he couldn't even take care of his girlfriend. Shouldn't he be dating another woman? In order not to let the other party find out about my existence, this is why I will not reply to my message, right?
He must have had an affair and a contrast in his heart, which would disgust me. ”
After having such a thought in her heart, Xiaohong began to sit still. At the same time, she began texting and phone bombarding men.
While driving the car, the man listened to the crackling sound in the mobile phone, and his heart gradually became irritable. When he found a place to park the car, and after answering the phone, the phone came from Xiaohong's cry.
The man quickly asked Xiaohong, "What the hell happened?" ”
Xiaohong was sobbing while questioning the man: "I am so good to you, why are you cheating?" ”
After hearing this sentence, the man was of course confused, but he also knew Xiaohong's temper, so he accompanied the smiling face and patiently explained.
As similar things happened again and again, he eventually became exhausted and chose to break up in desperation.
In fact, it is not a bad thing to have a moderate amount of apprehension and apprehension about a relationship.
However, if we over-focus on these "uncertainties", we can easily become insecure and then suspicious, thus bringing damage and risk to the relationship.
If we just can't help but focus our love on some "uncertainties", how do we adjust?
Let me share with you a particularly practical method: the reverse verification method.
When we have a doubt in our hearts, we need some reason to dispel it. Only then can we regain our peace of mind.
When faced with the question of whether men will cheat and whether two people's marriages can be happy, we should not argue from the principle of whether men will cheat in the end.
Instead, it is necessary to concretize each doubt first, and then use the final result feedback to prove what the truth of the matter is.
Take the example of Xiaohong:
Xiaohong saw that the man did not reply to the news, so she guessed in her heart that this must be because the man cheated.
It is a doubt, and the less specific a doubt is, the more difficult it is for us to argue for its error. So, we have to concretize this doubt first.
For example, if a man has cheated on him, who is he cheating on?
How the two people met, and how they developed into the current relationship step by step. That's where they're most likely to be right now, what they're doing.
In fact, when we concretize everything and associate it, we can already find that many conjectures are simply unreasonable.
Even if we end up with a complete set of details, it doesn't matter. We can let this idea go ahead, and then, when we know the truth, we can push back our previous judgment.
For example, we can say to ourselves:
"Oops, it turned out to be a misunderstanding. But why is there such a misunderstanding? Oh, it turns out that this is the wrong way of thinking about the problem. ”
Based on this line of thinking, we will continue to reflect on the way we have previously considered the problem.
Even, subconsciously, we will remember this model firmly. Later, when we think about problems in a similar way, we can easily be alerted.