I am a depressed person, an 8-year doctoral student at Shanghai Jiao Tong University School of Medicine, and a psychiatrist.
Psychiatrists suffer from depression, and they can only helplessly "doctors cannot treat themselves."
Social withdrawal for nearly a year, taking antidepressants for two months, I seem to be able to finally say something, let's report a peace first~
(Courtesy of the author)
alas! I always put depression on my lips, but this time I am finally a person who has officially certified "depression".
What is it like to have depression? Probably it is tired to go out, tired to talk to people, tired to eat, I am so sleepy, but I can't sleep, I have been awake...
Even because of the epidemic, I stayed at home for the longest time since I went to college in 2012, but I did the least things and met the fewest people.
Every weekend, my dad dragged me out, to the mountains, to the park, to the farmer's market to buy vegetables, to see my hometown that has changed a lot, I felt bored, weak and guilty.
My mother was nitpicking about building a new house, and when she was at home, I felt tired and seemed to have nothing to do with me.
My cat was sent to be raised as a dead fat house, and I didn't contact the owner for a long time to ask how he was doing.
(Courtesy of the author)
And my grandfather, Alzheimer's disease doesn't always remember who I am, and my words and deeds are childish, but I just watch these things happen in a daze, just like he is just a patient I met in the hospital, not a relative with whom I have many warm memories.
Everyone seemed to be encouraging me to stand up, but I just wanted to lie down, and I felt so tired, as if whatever I did was so boring, I would never be happy again.
From April 2019 onwards, I began to feel that something was clearly wrong.
At that time, they rotated together in the famous Zhongshan Hospital in Shanghai, and the fa eight (French eight-year system) friends "dangdang" to take a break from school after going to the cardiology department for a day, and later dropped out of school.
(With the picture of the circle of friends I sent on September 27, 2016, Gao Paste, I think it is very suitable for the moment, I used it.) Courtesy of the author)
I envy her so much, how can she make such a clean decision, seeing that she has been suffering clinically for a year and a half, and then walking less than half the way can graduate with a doctorate. It is really cool to make it clear that you don't want to give up and live the life you want to live!!!
And I, from entering the university, have had countless times to send an end to it, the fifth year of the year for a long time said to themselves this is over, I want to live a free and free wandering life, but still pull to the lack of a stop now -
I have neither the confidence to continue to be a doctor to be happy, nor the strong obsession with the "anthropologist" I once thought to be the ideal of my life, and I can no longer even write a circle of friends with a strong idealistic romance and questioning like before...
(Image source: soogif)
"Clams, is that how they got old?"
"I'm old, I'm old, I'm old..." The phrase began to circle in circles in my head and never ran out again.
Then I braced myself, survived the last 4 months of clinical rotation, it was the heart digestion of the explosion, and it was the respiratory department of the City South Hospital that I had to get up at five o'clock every day to catch the subway.
In fact, I have already collapsed a long time ago, and I have already collapsed from the inside before returning to the research group, but I am just holding on.
(Image source: soogif)
Not long ago, my own research group sister said sorry to me, I think it was because she gave me pressure to be depressed, I feel particularly guilty, it is not like this at all, but at that time I did not clearly sort out my depression, speech explanation is also some difficult for me.
In fact, if it were not for the sister, I would have collapsed earlier, but watching the sister of the master every day so enthusiastic to complete the countless trifles in the research group, but also to engage in their own research, listening to her perception of scientific research, the temperature held by our young children, I really have been greatly encouraged, and I have further supported these for a while.
(Courtesy of the author)
However, in the end, it should collapse or collapse, I know my own problems, the time has dragged on too long, too complicated...
I've always had two nuclei inside, the illusion I love, and the reality that I can't give up, and they absorb energy, and what I seem to be doing before is trying to keep them a little distance, so that this fight doesn't hit too hard.
But I don't have enough energy to control them now, and if I can really solve them, I probably need to produce the same strength between the nucleons of the atomic nucleus to counter the Coulomb repulsion force.
During the epidemic, I left the time and space field of the department, and I finally collapsed, as if I just couldn't complete these things, looked at the confiscated data sadly, felt that I couldn't complete the graduation thesis and defense, and then applied for Yanbi.
When I came back at the end of April this year, I thought I wanted to start well, but I couldn't lift my spirits at all, and after a short period of time, the doctoral supervisor suggested that my sister take me to the outpatient clinic.
At the moment when I heard that my peers had given me a diagnosis of depressive state and prescribed the medicine, I suddenly felt that I had unloaded a big burden, and it seemed that I could finally allow myself to collapse?
At the beginning, my sister and sister came to me every day to go to the department, thinking that being able to maintain my daily work would help the condition, otherwise it would only make it worse, and I thought so at first.
But then it really didn't work, I obviously woke up very early every day, got up very early, and was preparing to go early, but I was very reluctant to do things related to work and study.
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I feel like I'm dragging down the rest of the group.
I couldn't answer my mother's phone, she asked me to go to work on the phone, asked me to write the paper I should write, listened to her say that it should be, I was really tired...
Image source: Japanese drama "Escape is shameful but useful"
For the first time in my more than twenty years of life, I didn't love myself so much, and I finally indulged myself in lying to death (and perhaps without strength).
Really just lock the dormitory door and lie down, I am alone, in addition to using reason to tell myself to take medicine, to eat something, I have a lot of magazines and books on my bed, I have no interest in opening it, I can't sleep, but I have to open the window widely, I know that basking in the sun will be good for me...
Although it is very uncomfortable, my ideal in life is to live for thousands of years, and the professionalism of psychiatry is also telling me that depression will definitely pass.
Image source: Japanese drama "Escape is shameful but useful"
I am like a hibernating cat (although the cat does not hibernate), like the story I have heard before, thinking that the anesthetic sheep have not been saved, but miraculously began to heal themselves in the sleepy days, especially very slowly recovered...
At the beginning, I lost 5 kilograms in less than a week, ate too little, got up in the morning and had dehydrated skin, the veins and tendons on the back of my hands were particularly obvious, the skin was dull, and I was worried that I would suffer from liver jaundice.
The strength is slowly returning, the real turning point happened on the day I went to the hospital for the second time, I moved in to a new roommate who was engaged in psychology, someone listened to me, helped me sort out my messy belongings, told me if I didn't want to do it, don't feel guilty, and then brought me food from the canteen (Mom, I want to cry, what kind of angel I met)...
Then the speed at which I got better was noticeably faster.
Sertraline has no side effects on me, the doctor's newly opened trazodone will always sweat at night, early in the morning is a dehydrated look, I watched my mood improve, sleep also improved, after the doctor confirmed, I only ate sertraline.
(Courtesy of the author)
I seemed to be treating myself with a 0.5x fast version of Morita Therapy, and for the first time in my life, I really indulged myself in not being responsible for anyone or anything.
In fact, sometimes I feel guilty, but I know that the root of my depression is not superficial, in addition to completing psychological remodeling, really find the driving force to be happy, forcing myself to do anything is just consumption, even if there is the warmth transmitted by the surrounding environment, but stand up to rely on yourself.
This Friday, I went to my favorite Walden Lake, bought a particularly beautiful new dress, on the subway back, I suddenly cried, that is, the most depressed time is very sad but can not cry out...
From the moment I cried, I thought I had to send a circle of friends to say something, yesterday with the hospital friends together "consulted" my condition, I felt that the context of the matter gradually became clear, well, I should be fine, should not be far away.
There are some other feelings, when I have more strength in the future, I will continue to write it, sorry, I will probably continue to pollute the circle of friends for a while.
Apologies for my coldness since this time, I didn't mean it, friends, I'm just too tired of socializing!
Straighten up, little soldier, and be kind~
Stand up straight, little soldier, and be a kind person~
Contributing Author: Headband Girl DDC | He is an 8-year doctoral student and psychiatrist at Shanghai Jiao Tong University School of Medicine
Review Expert: Hu Qiang | Doctoral student and attending physician of Shanghai Mental Health Center
*The content of this article is a popularization of health knowledge and cannot be used as a specific diagnosis and treatment recommendation, nor is it a substitute for face-to-face consultation by a practicing physician, for reference only.
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