Professional Support / Coco
Editors / KY Creators
Some people say that the current subway is very fast, and one stop can love eight.
A while ago, my friend met a perfectly ideal boy on the subway, and when he left work for several days in a row, he would always meet at the platform.
She plucked up the courage to ask for contact information and slowly chatted with the other party. She felt that she liked each other, but she was more and more hesitant, and she always felt that there was something less to consider love.
Many people have similar confusion when they like a person: they are not clear whether they like it or not; they are not clear about the degree of this like, whether they can talk about a relationship well...
If you also want to know "like to what extent can you fall in love?" "Don't miss out on today's article.
Level 1
Single point of positive emotion
The first stage of liking is a single positive emotion.
For example, rush, when you and the other party do not have much intersection, you are attracted to a certain characteristic of the other party. It may be because of "face control" and "voice control", or it may be that the expression of the other party is particularly cute, and the brain releases dopamine that makes us feel good, making you feel that the other party is very adorable.
Another example is sexual attraction, when you feel the hormones and sexual tension of the other person's body, you produce happy emotions, you associate this happiness with positive feelings - think that the person who brings you happy emotions is the person you "like".
Psychologically, when you project your thoughts and values onto another person, you unconsciously assume that the other person has certain traits that you like (but maybe that's just your imagination) and you develop a strong positive feeling about the image you created.
This kind of liking, although single, is often accompanied by pure pleasure brought by freshness, sexual attraction, etc., and the feeling of heartbeat is very violent. Even if it's short and detached from reality, you may still be tempted to go back and forth afterwards.
Level 2
Three-dimensional compound emotions
The second stage of liking is a more complex, three-dimensional positive emotion.
This kind of feeling may include two or more kinds of rush, lust, attachment, appreciation, or worship. When you are with each other, you feel that there is a complex emotion surging in your heart, and you will often feel that you and him are very close, as if there is a special emotional bond between you.
This kind of liking may be a potential development object for the heart, a close friend around you, or it may be a good person you admire. When you are attracted to the good side of the other person, you will naturally want to know more about him.
As the social psychologist Dr. As A. Fugère puts it, "We may be attracted to certain people simply because they are good listeners or have fun talking, and we don't feel sexually attracted (Fugère et al., 2014). ”
In short, you have some compound, three-dimensional feelings about his existence. Around him, you not only feel at ease, but also feel better about yourself.
Level 3
Possessive, exclusive liking
The third stage of liking is an intense, exclusive liking.
When your liking reaches this level, you're ready to enter an exclusive relationship. You've spent some time getting to know each other, and this relationship has made you realize that you don't want to date anyone else anymore.
This exclusive relationship requires a sense of responsibility, but it also means that you are possessive of him. While you see the other person as "a part of yourself", you also want to be an important role in the other person's life.
It's worth noting that when your liking for a person hasn't reached level 3 (e.g. at level 1 and level 2), it doesn't mean it will stay there forever. Feelings are fluid and varied, trying to set aside some time for each other to spend more time with, dating, and getting to know each other better. See if this liking can sublimate into level3 in the contact with each other.
Different types of liking may stem from different physiological and psychological mechanisms. Many times the "like" we feel does not directly mean the occurrence of romantic intimacy, it may be something less than true love.
Type One: Like, but not necessarily intimate
For example, in rush, even if we don't know anything about each other's personality, three views, knowledge and family, just by fantasy and brain supplementation, we can feel crazy heartbeats and enjoy the beauty and happiness brought by rush.
This feeling, rooted in our own fantasies, doesn't need to be based, for a large part, on a realistic connection with the other person. Once you learn more, you may have to face the harsh reality of the disillusionment.
This lack of mutual understanding of liking is a strong but very unstable experience.
Type two: Like, but not necessarily passionate
When we are young, we will like our plush toys, people who take care of us, such as grandparents, parents and mothers; when we are with our good friends, we may also like their humor and humor, we can see each other's shining points, feel each other's charm, but do not want to kiss and hug them...
This type of liking happens because we are intimate enough with each other and have a real connection with each other, and the other person is someone we are willing to be close to and trust. Research has found that when we are touched by others, our closeness to each other increases (Seibt et al., 2017).
When the other person shows concern for us and provides us with material and emotional support and help, we will have such a kind of trust and dependence. Still, relationships like these often lack passion and are still some way from leading to romantic intimacy.
Type Three: Like, but not necessarily appreciate
You may like a person, but you don't have a positive endorsement of him – you don't want to be like him.
Clinical psychologist Josh Gressel believes that when we are able to see good qualities in others, we project our ideal selves. We use the other person as a visible object of emulation, hoping that their existence will inspire a better side of ourselves. But when we don't appreciate a person, the other person lacks that ability – with them, we can't feel better about ourselves.
This is also why many people who are in love at first sight in a fast-food way and fall in love at first sight feel disappointed after a period of contact with each other. You can't see your ideal self in the other person, you can't see the other person with an appreciative eye, and you don't even feel like you're going to be a better person because of him.
This lack of appreciation for liking, which can be a state of obsession, similar to addiction, can serve as a stage of normal existence before entering a stable relationship (Tennov, 1979), but may also develop into a "pathological obsession".
The following 3 dimensions can help you determine whether love is about to come between you and the person you like.
1) No longer just about self-needs
Some "like" it simply because of their own needs. In attachment relationships, for example, we think more about our own needs and desires. We like each other because they give us benefits, and the benefits are not mutual.
When the other person does not meet the standard in our hearts, it is easy for us to abandon the other party. We just need each other's image as emotional sustenance, whether it is to meet our own needs to be loved, pampered, or have a sense of connection with the world, which is essentially "me"-based. Such likes are one-sided and fragile.
Only when you like a person, starting to no longer only focus on the needs of the self, but also the needs of the other party into this feeling, such like a like can become the cornerstone of a good intimate relationship.
2) When there is a realistic basis for mutual cognition
When you like a person based on some understanding of reality, it may be a sign that an intimate relationship is off to a good start. If you completely lack the knowledge of each other's real life, the feelings that exist only in fantasy are doomed to be castles in the air.
McAdams, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University, believes that when you understand a person by crossing the "three cognitive levels," you steadily build an understanding of them (Mayer, 2010) before you can truly "see" the other person.
The first level is to be able to make a broad, general traits description of the other person, such as a shy, extroverted, intelligent, or enthusiastic person; the second level is to be able to understand the other person's personal values and goals (personal concerns), such as what is the focus of the other person's life? The third level is the ability to understand the identity of the other person, such as how they see themselves.
When you've had some in-depth conversations and you've gone from vague images to concrete, you're one step closer to establishing romantic intimacy.
3) When two people start to become "us."
Try searching for "we" in your chat history to see if the word appears more often.
When you like someone very deeply, you are willing to take on the responsibilities that come with it. When you and I become us, you will be as responsible for yourself, as if you were responsible for yourself, for the object you like.
This kind of responsibility may be willing to be responsible for the material life of both parties, or it may be to care for the psychological needs of the other party. Responsibility is also a prerequisite for a good intimate relationship, if you feel responsible for the happiness of the other party, you will naturally take the initiative to care about whether he has had a good life recently and whether he has a way to make him happier.
However, being responsible does not mean that we are fully responsible for another person. At the same time, we must respect the object of love, treat the other party as an independent individual, respect the uniqueness of the other person, so that the other party can live and grow freely according to their own wishes.
Interaction Today: How much do you think you like it to fall in love?