The best parents think of their children's "okay" as "relationships."
01
A few days ago, on the Internet saw a class teacher wrote a Weibo, the little boy in the class was bullied, after mediation, the bullying students came to apologize, everyone felt that the reconciliation was good, the other party said a "sorry", the little boy said a sentence "It doesn't matter", this matter was successfully resolved, in the eyes of many adults, children have a temper is how big a thing?
However, the class teacher did not think so, but chose this way
When I was teaching 5th grade, there was a boy in the class who was slapped in the face and kicked by a third-grade boy on the playground between classes.
After I knew, I found him to talk, and I repeatedly confirmed what had happened, and then I found several students of other grades who had witnessed him and confirmed what had happened. Then I took the boy in my class to find the kid who hit someone.
The child saw that the teacher was coming and immediately apologized. The boys in my class immediately said "It's okay. ”
Hearing him say this, in fact, I am very uncomfortable, this child is a divorced family, living with his mother, although the family is very rich, his mother is also a more famous entrepreneur, but he is very kind, also very timid, and even a little cowardly.
I asked the boy who hit him, "Why don't you apologize at the first time, and you have to wait until the teacher finds you?" The kid who hit the man didn't say a word. I said this can't be done that way. I took the boys in my class back to work, and on the way, I said to him: Being bullied, not necessarily all the "sorry", you have to reply "it's okay". If you feel that you can't solve it, you must tell the teacher or your family at the first time that not all things have to be carried silently by yourself.
I asked him: Do you really feel okay in your heart? Then the boy cried and said: "There is a relationship."
I said, this time the teacher will teach you how to deal with it. I hope that next time you will learn to protect yourself. Then, I went to contact the homeroom teacher who beat the child and asked her to contact the parents to explain the situation. I also contacted the parents of the children in my class, and his mother began to be very nervous, but when she heard that the child was fine, she said: It is normal between children.
But I don't think so, this boy is too kind and timid, usually more or less squeezed. I felt it was necessary for him to learn to protect himself once.
The class teacher who beat the child also felt that I was making a big fuss, I looked for the principal three times, and finally said that the principal arranged for the parents of both sides, and the child officially met in the principal's office. During the period, I calmly told the story, during which the parents of both sides were also very calm, but the child who made the mistake was calmed down, and going to the principal's office was a very serious thing in the eyes of the child, so he cried and apologized. Children who beat people have always been very naughty and often bully their classmates. In the end, both parents and children made peace.
Walking out of the principal's office, I said to the boys in the class: The teacher sincerely hopes to see you bravely protect yourself in the future. No matter where you are, don't easily wronged yourself, you know? He nodded and said thank you to me.
When the children in my class graduated, the boy's mother found me, she said: She is very grateful to me, her son has changed, has become a hope for herself, his son has more sunshine, and he has begun to communicate with her, and knows how to take care of her... In fact, when I saw such a beautiful woman, crying like a child, my heart was full of mixed feelings.
I think that no matter whether it is a teacher or a parent, do not say "it doesn't matter" for the child, "forget it", and do not force the child to say, each child is an independent individual, let them know how to follow their hearts, do not let them blindly tolerate. Of course, we must show how to protect ourselves in front of our children.
This Weibo quickly caused a heated discussion among everyone, and many netizens expressed their support for the class teacher's approach:
@ Nickname Eleven: When the boundary is violated, giving back to the abuser with anger and anger is a normal performance, and it is a person's proud self-esteem. However, many people are real and can't do it.
@Ou Huang Salted Fish Possession: I remember when I was a child, my mother said, don't tell me about you at school and classmates, I won't give you a head. When I was a child, I didn't think it was, but now I feel really sad. So I have been screaming to make myself look strong, in fact, only I know how vulnerable I am. People have always said that I am a tomboy, but I also want to cry and cry and go home and tell my parents that someone has bullied me. How lucky it is to have such a class teacher, children who have received such education since childhood will have confidence in their future lives.
@ Never Be Late Mr.: Apologies are not a formal simple three words of sorry, and education cannot just formally tell students that they will say sorry and it doesn't matter these six words. Everything must be followed by the heart, and the heart must be brave, and there is hope when the heart is walked.
@wuliwehate: After reading this text, I think what I need to thank is that as a teacher, some people especially like and mud, do not like to face the reality and problems, in fact, for these two children, the teacher's way of dealing with them is of great benefit to their psychology and future life!
02
As the class teacher said: I think that whether it is a teacher or a parent, do not say "it's okay" or "forget it" for the child, and do not force the child to say that each child is an independent individual, let them know how to follow their hearts, do not let them blindly tolerate.
Sometimes, parents teach their children to say "it's okay", which is ignoring the child's "appeal", which is extremely unfavorable to the growth of the child and will lead to the formation of some negative personalities.
▌ Timid and cowardly
When children play together, it often happens that the child's toys are robbed, or the food is taken away and eaten by others.
At this time, many children will ask for help from parents for the first time, and if parents say "it's okay", they are harming their children's rights and interests.
It's mine, so why can someone eat it without consent?
The child's interests have been violated, things have been snatched away by others, and the parents' "it doesn't matter" is also a hint that others bully you, and you have to endure.
This is very bad for the child: a child who does not know how to protect his own interests can easily form a cowardly and timid character in the future.
▌ Grumpy
If the child's interests are violated, and the parents ask for help, but get the painless "it doesn't matter", then the child may be forced to be "strong", because only in this way can you protect yourself.
And the way children make themselves strong is mostly by throwing tantrums or hitting people. Using "it's okay" to ignore the child's rejection and inner collapse, the child uses the armor of "tantrum" to protect himself.
▌ Flattering personality
Whether it is their own things being robbed, or being beaten up, or forced to share, parents repeatedly say "it doesn't matter", the implication is that when others want, you have to satisfy others. However, sacrificing one's own feelings, burying one's own wishes, and blindly pandering to others can easily lead to a child's flattering personality.
Jiang Fangzhou was a guest on "Strange Flower Conference", in which she said:
When someone else's point of view is wrong, she will not raise objections, and even praise others for saying it well, and then a paragraph. And intimate lover angry quarrel, the other party repeatedly called, she just can't say "you don't fight again, hit me again I'm angry" words.
She repeatedly wronged herself and catered to others, which is related to her own growth experience.
Writing books at the age of seven, writing books at the age of nine, always working with some people older than her, doing shows, the message that is entered is that you have to be humble and talk less, because they are older than you and know more than you. So it doesn't matter what other people say, you just listen.
03
Don't care about the child's real feelings, the three words "it doesn't matter" casually say are satisfying others without a bottom line and harming the interests of their own children.
In daily life, how can parents protect the rights and interests of their children?
▌ Respect for children
After the child's self-awareness germinates, he will distinguish himself from others, and parents need to respect the child's growth and accept that they are an independent individual.
▌ Allow deny
Let the child learn to say "no", pay attention to their own feelings, and do not have to cater to anyone, so that they will not grow into a "flattering" person. When the child does not want to share, refuses to exchange, do not force for the sake of face, allow the child to defend himself, he can learn to respect others. Proper rejection and allowing children to follow their inner thoughts are also beneficial to growth.
▌ Support the child
When others bully our children and steal their children's things, they cry, which shows that they care about this matter and feel that it is a big thing that "has a relationship". At this point, we can hug the child and gently tell them: "Don't cry, get it back (let him apologize to you)".
Truly responsible parents are starting from the child's point of view, rather than looking at the problem from the height of an adult, and treating the child's "okay" as "there is a relationship".
Love never lies in how much you have done for your child, but in the sparse and ordinary things, densely covered with love for children.
Smart parents will follow their children's hearts and let them become themselves, rather than growing into what others like.
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