There were two incidents that made my heart panic, one was 4 boys violating 13-year-old girls, and the other was a Xi'an girl who was slapped by her mother with a bicycle.
The first incident was breath-taking, and all four boys were under the age of 14 and were not held criminally responsible.
There are also fewer and fewer reports, but the harm suffered by girls is difficult to disappear. It also makes people realize that neglecting to discipline children and being too indulgent can lead to problems of one kind or another.
In the second incident, the Xi'an girl was beaten on the road by her mother, which did not have the problem of indulging in teaching, but it was too hot to play like this, and it was painful to watch.
Children must be managed, no matter what will cause trouble, but to what extent, in what way, and in what way, it becomes a problem facing every parent.
01
To educate children, we must set boundaries for children
When it comes to the importance of education, this class of parents is the most attentive, and the anxiety of education can be seen everywhere in the air.
Extracurricular class interest class tutoring class non-stop, buy yourself double ten dollars of slippers feel wasted, to the child to report twenty or thirty thousand lessons is not soft, do not report it feel sorry for the child.
But education is by no means enough to be willing to spend money. Providing a good learning environment is part of education, and children need to learn skills and have the ability to survive, which money can solve.
But what children need to learn more is what is the principle and what is the correct value, which is the fundamental way to deal with the world.
Principles and values, which sound a bit empty, are actually the basis for everyone's judgment of right and wrong, and the boundary between being born as a human being.
As a simple example, some children like to express their emotions with screams, and there is nothing wrong with pulling a throat. Shouting loudly is a way to soothe emotions, and the TV series often sees the protagonist on the beach, roaring in the depths of the mountains, and the feeling of no pressure after the roar.
But screaming also has problems, can affect others, and can form noise. So someone needs to tell the child when he can call and when he can't call, and this is the boundary.
There is a lyric in "Sea and Sky" that sings like this, "Forgive me for my life of debauchery and love of freedom." Everyone loves freedom, no one likes restrictions, but freedom needs to be guaranteed by restrictions.
The same goes for children, who like to live an unrestrained and unrestricted life, but this is unrealistic.
The 4 boys were free, but it turned out that the girls were hurt. Children need parents to set boundaries so that they understand what to do and what not to do. When they internalize the boundaries into their own thoughts, they will become responsible and responsible people.
In the two incidents at the beginning of the article, family education did not set a line for children.
The 4 boys have no basic concept of right and wrong, and they have not even kept the bottom line of the law.
In the Xi'an incident, it seems that the mother is educating the child, but this way will only make the child experience humiliation and violence, and it will not allow the child to know the existence of the boundary, nor can the child understand right and wrong.
02
Barriers to setting boundaries for children: overididious identification
Parents' intentional or unintentional behavior is to set boundaries for their children.
For example, if the child shouts at home and the parents do not respond, the child will feel that it is okay and he will continue to shout. If parents stop it, they can't shout so loudly, it will affect others, and the child will know that not affecting others is the line of action.
The biggest barrier to setting boundaries for children is that parents over-identify with their children. Overidizing with children makes the boundaries useless.
For example, the child wants to eat lollipops, but obviously just finished eating, the child's tooth condition is not optimistic, not far from caries.
But looking at the child's eager eyes, and can't bear to refuse the child, the child is so demanding, want to eat sugar can not eat much pity. It seems that from the shadow of the child, he saw that he was sad to be rejected when he was a child, so he agreed to the child's request without a bottom line.
In the eyes of some parents, everything the child does is right, and it is a manifestation of innocence.
In order to fulfill the child's wishes, it doesn't matter if you hurt others. In the playground, two children clashed for playing on the slide, in order to soothe the child's injured heart, some parents directly hit the hand, pushing other children aside and letting their children play.
Paying too much attention to the child's feelings and satisfying the child without a bottom line will only make the child more and more bottomless and unscrupulous to achieve his goals.
The child did not realize, the parent did not realize, and one day the child made a public anger and the parents still felt that he was a loss, and he was still just a child.
Indeed, parents need to be considerate of their children's pain, fear and loneliness, because the child's heart is identified, will be satisfied, will learn to deal with emotions and express emotions. But this does not mean that parents cannot refuse their children's requests and cannot make demands on their children.
In "Setting boundaries for children," Dr. Henry Claude, a practicing psychologist, points out that many times parents always confuse their painful feelings with their children's feelings, thinking that their children are worse than the real situation.
They project their own problems on the child, thinking that the unhappiness of the young child is the trauma brought to him by the mother, and the anxiety of the teenager is caused by the panic of the father. In fact, all this is because the parents' own problems have not been solved.
If the scope of a child's life is limited to the family, then we can always treat the child with a "mother's perspective", but the child will one day grow up, go to society, and have his own circle of friends.
Parents' blind identification with their children will only make it difficult for children to enter the society. Don't let blind recognition ruin the child, we must set a boundary for the child in time.
03
Set boundaries for your child, and the sooner you start, the better
Parents are the best teachers for children, and it is natural to set boundaries for children without the words and deeds of parents and lead by example. Many parents will teach their children that you can't bully others and you can't let others bully you.
But many times, what we are cultivating is the "bullied" child. Because many times, parents use the way of "bullying" their children to educate them.
Respect the child, the child will respect others
Remember Wei Lai in "Young You"? Angelic faces, snake-like hearts.
She is viciously bullying Hu Xiaofei and Chen Nian, but she is also a victim of cold violence. Because of the failure of the college entrance examination, her father did not talk to her for half a year, she was coldly violent, she was a victim, and she used the same violence to treat others.
Because she didn't know what respect was, she hadn't received it at home, and naturally it was impossible to respect others.
For a daughter who is physically punished by her mother, the mother's discipline seems to be "the deep responsibility of love", but it hurts the child's self-esteem. If a child is not respected at home, she may feel that this is the case for the strong against the weak, and that self-esteem can be trampled at will. She can be bullied by the strong, she can also bully the weak, and her mother has done the best demonstration.
Just like Luo Ting, who bullied others with Wei Lai in "Young You", after the parents arrived at school, no matter whether the three seven twenty-one first beat Luo Ting, you hit me, I hit others, this is the power of "teaching by example".
Simple and rough family education is that the strong bully the weak, and there is no respect to speak of. What the child sees and learns from an early age is "the weak and the strong", he will take out the family law, he will think that it is normal to be bullied by others, because he is used to being bullied at home.
The person who has been respected is the one who has the best chance of learning to respect, and you can't ask your child to show things that he has never had. We must respect children, so that children can respect others and respect the boundaries of others. For example, don't hurt others; respect the right of others to say "no" without dealing with them rudely.
Age groups and let children bear the natural consequences
When a person's behavior causes him to have to face real results, such as pain, loss of time, money, finances, things he loves, and people he values, he will really change.
To make children feel responsible and have a sense of boundaries, we must let children bear the natural consequences. This natural consequence is not a deliberately malicious punishment, but a natural consequence of the child doing something. For example, hot water is hot and not writing homework is criticized.
0-12 months: Build basic trust
From birth to before the age of one, be attentive, patient and loving to the child, with a focus on connecting with the child, protecting him and nurturing him and meeting his needs for comfort and being loved.
1-3 years old: Let the child experience the results
After the child reaches the age of one, his range of activities becomes larger and his curiosity becomes heavier, and he may often run into trouble, such as throwing something to touch the hot water. We need to tell our children what to do and what the consequences of not doing so are. But blind reasoning will not have a good effect, and when necessary, children can experience the consequences first-hand.
For example, let the child touch the hot water to understand what is hot, so that he can understand the consequences of being scalded by boiling water.
3-5 years old: Let children experience cause and effect
After the age of 3, children have stronger understanding ability, which is also the best time to establish a sense of boundaries for children.
We can give children an idea of why they did this and what the consequences are. Set the rules of the game for your child, talk together about how to follow the rules, how to politely express different opinions.
When the child does not abide by the agreement and does not behave well, let the child bear the consequences himself, such as suspending the game, confiscating the toy, not allowing tv, not going out to play, and so on.
6-11 years old: Let the child choose and bear the consequences
After the age of 6, children will have more time outside the home, such as school, activity venues, friends' homes, etc. Children need to choose and balance a lot of problems, whether to stay at home or find classmates to play, write homework or play games, each choice and balance corresponds to a consequence.
Parents can give their children more choices and let them bear the consequences themselves, such as restricting his relationship with friends, restricting the time of free movement, and the rights he has at home. Through the assumption of choices and consequences, let the child understand the causal relationship, he will understand that his actions have to take responsibility for himself, and he will think twice.
12-18 years old: Affects children
Teenagers have more autonomy, and parents should not try to control their children, but affect their children. Parents can help them with issues such as relationships, values, timing, long-term goals, etc., and let them know what the natural consequences of these things are. For example, no pocket money, loss of scholarships, etc.
As Dr. Henry Claude said, problem children never appear out of thin air, every problem child generally comes out of a problematic living environment, and children who are constrained by health do not have problems out of nothing.
As a parent, we must be able to be keenly aware of the child's inner world and solve it in time when the child has problems. Don't wait until the problem expands to the point where it can't be solved and then look at the sky and sigh, good child, how did it become like this?
As parents, we need to understand that children do not suddenly grow up on the day of 18 years old, all his growth, all his experiences are gradual and cumulative process. We also want our children to understand how much ability you have, how much responsibility you can take, and how much freedom you have.