After receiving a consultation, the poet sent over many works, including seven masterpieces, rhythmic poems, and five masterpieces. Although it is obviously excessive, but the author's attitude is very good, then let's take a look at it together, but I will not do a detailed analysis, focus on the problem.
The works are actually quite good, so let's see how to pick faults.
Because it is marked with "seven absolutes", it is natural to look at the format first, but the poet did not mark the rhyme foot, but read the poem more, a dozen eyes, you know that it must be a new rhyme.
Like the third work rhymes with the words "urgent" and "value", it is a sound word at a glance. Because his other works are all flat endings, in this case, he basically does not use rhymes to write rhyme poems.
It is very inappropriate to rhyme with such a word without marking the new rhyme.
If you read more poems, you will basically have a direct reaction to the sound words, which can be judged that these are all new rhyme works.
At the same time, these three poems reflect a problem, that is, this friend studied with the column and has not yet reached the stage of understanding Gu Ping's poetry.
"Flowers and leaves and fruits gradually redder", "half is the waybill half of the value", he used the "waybill" to refer to "freight", it is obvious that the rules of substitution are very clear, and find ways to accommodate, but "leaf fruit gradually red", "waybill half of the value" are typical of the lonely flat "仄平仄平". It is easy to avoid or make a rescue, but the poet has no intention of correcting it--this only shows that he lacks the awareness of this.
Moreover, the expression of "half is the value of the goods list and half the goods" is difficult to say, and it is difficult for people to straighten out what he wants to say under one reading.
Gu Ping needs to make a rescue, since the big ping-servant relationship has been observed, why should this small problem be criticized?
Either it will be reduced to "pingping 仄仄平", or it will use "仄平平仄平" to make a rescue.
This is a matter of grammar.
But in general, there is no big problem, learn to be alone and save, you can pass the pass.
Let's look again at his seven laws:
One night cold tide to autumn, the country apples are being harvested
Previous hail injuries were numerous, and the selling price was a little worried
The children and grandchildren in the city are always busy, and the fathers and children in the family are idle
The flat slope is high and red, but it makes the farmers feel lightly sad
This is a seven-word poem of the "Eleven You" part of the Ping Shui Rhyme, and the fifth sentence "Children and Grandchildren Are Always Busy" uses koi waves. There is no problem with the peace and strictness.
In terms of content and expression, I think this poem is very good.
The language is simple and clear, and the poetry has a twist. There is sustenance, there is expression.
There is no contemporary nonsense to write nonsense, I like this work very much.
But we should also pay attention to the fact that the language vernacular is OK, even very good, but we must be careful of those prepositions, connecting words, too popular will make the whole poem lose its charm.
For example, the "before" in the jaw link and the "a few" with ancient overtones in the sentence form a strong contrast.
There is a degree of this, a degree of plain and simple, which requires the poet's poetic heart and a lot of text practice to accurately grasp. It's worth noting that the most commonplace words are often these irrelevant words — or words you think are irrelevant.
Let me assume here that if it is an apple harvest - I have no experience, when the hail probably fell, we can refine it without too vulgar and broad "before".
For example, if it is before a certain solar term, we can use "before the festival", so as to unify the context and "a few".
New ancient poetry must pay attention to this, the language is new, how to reveal the ancient meaning, is an interesting rhetorical method. But how to maintain the unity of the overall text imagery in a sentence and a poem is the literary requirement of all literary works.
This does not mean that all ancient words are used, but that the selection is appropriately enhanced.
I like this seven laws very much, because there is content, there are twists, there are ideas, and there are no vain.
It's not a big problem, it's just that it could be better. Of course, this is only advice.
Let's take a look at his five best songs.
The five absolutes are indeed more difficult to write, but if the artistic conception is cleared and the blank space is done well, the five absolutes are also the most flavorful works.
Overall, these five songs are still good.
It's just the last sentence of the third song", "Spring Deep White-headed Man", which is obviously somewhat taken for granted.
"A fight is a home", which should mean that as long as you stay together, it is home, right?
But "fighting" doesn't make sense. What does mean? It is "mutual", which is why there is the word "guard" - to keep each other.
"Phase is home"? This obviously doesn't make sense.
It cannot be handled in this way for the sake of Heping. It is better to go out of the law, "to stay together is home" - simple and clear.
Of course, there must be other words to consider that make it both legal and interesting. I will not say more here, and leave it to the discretion of the author and friends.
In general, this series of works is very good and poetic, but it is necessary to strengthen the understanding of poetic knowledge. Then when writing poems using unfamiliar words, don't take them for granted.
That is to say, for Gelu, this friend is basically no problem, the problems are all poetry diseases and language diseases.
As long as you insist on reading the column, understanding it in detail, and then enhancing reading, and reading more good works of the ancients, you can definitely write better.
The above is a complex.
Feedback:
Hello teacher, thank you for guiding you so carefully one by one, these opinions I will read repeatedly, think about them repeatedly, carefully study the columns, and lay a good foundation. I have this small question at hand: If anything written with a new rhyme is written, do I have to mark the new rhyme in parentheses after the title? In addition to this problem, you can no longer take up your time with the teacher.
In addition, I would like to express myself again, I am very happy to have such a direct dialogue with the teacher, and I am glad to be able to get such guidance from the teacher, thank you
reply:
It is best to mark it, like the third into the sound of the word to do a flat rhyme this situation is more special, will make many people who read the poem misunderstood.
After learning to write poetry to a certain extent, it will gradually transition to both flat water rhyme and new rhyme, because poetry appreciation is too important for the creation of ancient poetry.
If you want to learn ancient poetry well, it is impossible not to appreciate it. In the process of reading and appreciating a lot, the problem of using rhyme feet will gradually get rid of the original idea of the dispute between old and new rhymes with your experience, and will gradually compromise, because you will find that the connotation and artistic importance of poetry are far beyond the rules and restrictions of some beginners.
When you have gone beyond that level, you naturally don't care about these little problems. The grammar is only to make the poem easy to read, and we must be clear about this. As for what rhyme to use, it is a trivial matter.
This is a habit that we have slowly developed, don't we write poems to make people understand and read well?
What is the significance of other words for personal expression?