An inch of kindness and an inch of warmth - above the grammar, it is the small poetry disease arrangement and the overall artistic understanding

I received a return consultation from a friend, which reads as follows.

Because the verses are written differently from the absolute sentences, I would like to ask you to point out the shortcomings of my two absolute sentences this time.

The first one was written in the spring of '21 and was slightly changed seven days ago.

《Jiang Chun》

Fang Lu when the river passed, Su Hong stole the night full of the Chang River.

The east wind is not stingy like oil rain, and it is biased to send more spring water to Jiangnan.

The second one was roughly written last night and carefully revised this morning.

"Absolute Sentence"

An inch of kindness gives birth to an inch of warmth, and everyone is good to the world.

Zhu Men laughed at each other, only laughing at the mortal world but very true.

I have an impression of this friend's poem of osmanthus tea last time, the work is very good, at least in terms of format, there is no need to worry. It seems that I am satisfied with the reply, otherwise I would not have come back to consult.

This time it's two seven-song masterpieces.

The first song "Jiang Chun" is a work of regularity and regularity except for the penultimate third word of the first and last sentences, which uses "one three five whatever". However, when we write gelatin poems, it is generally not recommended that the fifth word is changed to a flat sound when the fifth word is a slang word, but the first and third word changes can be flexibly handled.

This is not a rule, but the fifth word is changed, the variables are relatively large, and there is a certain risk of phonology - this is a probability problem, it has nothing to do with the rules, and the more you read and write, the more you will naturally be related.

In general, the format is fine, but let's not talk about "Jiang Chun" first, because this poem has a timeline connection with the verse he consulted last time, and we will look at it later, first look at the second "Absolute Sentence".

This is a poem that rhymes with seven masterpieces, the third word of the first sentence leads to the typical "lonely flat" of "仄仄平平仄仄平", and the poet uses the word "sheng" in the fifth word to save the sentence, so there is no problem here. However, under the Pingshui rhyme, the word "Wen" belongs to the "Thirteen Yuan" part, and "Spring and Zhen" belong to the "Eleven True" part, so the first sentence here is a rhyme.

Many friends will say, no problem, ah, is this not "lonely goose out of the group"? Of course, it is also possible to say so, but in fact, rhyming outliers such as "lonely geese out of the group" appear more in the rhythmic poems. That is to say, when there are enough words with the same rhyme to determine the rhyme of a poem, it is possible to tolerate the neighboring rhyme of the first sentence or the last sentence.

There are only three rhymes in total, and it is not reasonable to appear adjacent rhymes.

However, this problem is the same as the previous fifth word, it is best not to turn flat, there is no written rule, and it is necessary to say that it is a "lone goose out of the group" and cannot be wrong. Just like "not to harm the meaning of words", if it is indeed an immutable word, even if it is out of the law, it must be retained, let alone neighbor rhyme?

Of course, there is no such problem under the new rhyme, but the lower limit of the discussion problem is different for each author. Because I have read his poems, I know his familiarity and requirements for the law.

Then there is only one judgment, this "wen" word is not easy to replace, so this friend would rather take the new rhyme route.

But is there no problem under the new rhyme? Of course not.

We can't see the problem only in terms of text and in the analysis, but do you remember what I once said about how to really quickly detect the rhythm of a poem?

Read it aloud three times, and then those hidden poetic diseases will naturally emerge.

Obviously, his first sentence here is difficult to pass in the chanting. "An inch of kindness makes an inch of warmth", what is the problem?

The problem is that many friends now do not take it for granted that the rhymes - "inch", "heart", "life", "inch", "warm", although the tone is different, but the pronunciation is very similar under the new rhyme.

A poem is only seven words, and five words with similar pronunciation are produced, which is a very typical squeeze rhyme, and we will naturally feel that this poem is not easy to read in the chant.

This is a poem on paper, the text looks very good, the meaning is also very smooth and progressive, but it can not be read - so we usually say that bumping rhymes, squeezing rhymes is a small problem, occasionally it does not matter, once it is excessive, it becomes a big problem.

How do I change it here? Let's put it in the back, look at the other issues, and adjust it together.

Let's see what this "Absolute Sentence" is about.

Why is it directly named absolute sentence? It was clear that he didn't want to reveal his thoughts. Why write poetry but don't want to reveal it? The poet writes poetry for the purpose of lyricism, which must be to produce emotions, so this friend must have a problem with his mentality - note that this "problematic" is not a pejorative meaning, but a catalyst for many poetic works to become obscure.

He wanted to say it, but it was inconvenient to say it. We can guess what happened, and let's see what his four sentences reveal.

The first two sentences are one, "an inch of kindness gives birth to an inch of warmth, and everyone is good to the world and spring", a little kindness will produce a little warmth, everyone has a kind heart, then the world is full of spring.

This is a very standard slogan such as "grateful heart", why does the poet make such an exclamation? When do we usually make this exclamation?

By the way, that's when you see people or behaviors that don't work out, or when there's a conflict that's resolved in good faith. What does this mean? It shows that there have been contradictions, and it may also be unfriendly behavior or characters.

It doesn't make sense to have these two big and empty slogans, so the last two sentences are important.

"Zhu Men laughed at each other, only laughing at the mortal world but very true", the rich, the moneyless look peaceful, but unfortunately in this world, the real pretend of people can't come.

This kid just went to college last year, but at this time, the college should be on vacation, he should be going home. So this scene is not a dorm, or a class reunion, or a friend and friend gathering? unknown. But it was obvious that he keenly felt the pulling apart of people in the hierarchy - although they still "laughed at each other", the difference between "Zhumen" and "Burrow" came out.

This feeling even made him feel that everyone should have a little more kindness in order to dissolve it.

What is "laughing at each other"? In fact, his last sentence is very unsmooth. What is "but very true"? This obviously means that the kindness in front of us, the spring of the world, is not "true", and it is not "true" to laugh at each other.

So what is "true"? The gap between Zhumen and burrow is "true".

So my understanding is that this work looks grandiose, but in fact it is a depression in its heart—something peculiar to young people, beginning to sigh during the period of gradual stratification of classes. Although my old friend may already have a job and money, I, a poor college student, also have my own spiritual world.

And this sense of gap requires each other's kindness to accommodate and bridge.

Obviously, this kind of speech cannot be said explicitly, so it is expressed vaguely and want to stop talking.

It's really interesting, this kind of appreciation.

There is no problem with the emotions under this work, but since you have come to ask, I can give you advice on the law, I can also give you grammar, rhetoric, and content advice, and I can also give you advice on the outlook on life.

At our age, a lot of emotional attachment is just a matter of temperament.

I will discard the words "but very true" in the last sentence, after all, it is difficult to understand, but this is the key to the poet's expression. So I still want to state that the original emotional expression is OK, my change is based on my outlook on life, and I also hope that this child will be happy and enter the Daguan life.

Of course, he can also choose not to listen.

How do I modify it?

First solve the problem of squeezing the rhyme of the first sentence, and then adjust the last sentence.

"An inch of kindness gives birth to an inch of warmth", ping 仄 is "ping 仄仄平平平" (under the new rhyme), there is a lonely peace to save itself, but the word "kindness" cannot be changed, because there is a progressive correspondence of "goodness" in the sentence, so this lonely flat will exist anyway. Fortunately, it is a new rhyme, the word "one" into the flat sound, we use "one" instead of "life", to solve the problem of squeezing rhyme - "an inch of kindness and an inch of warmth, all people are good to the world and spring".

The meaning has not changed, the format is still the new rhyme of the lonely self-help, but without a squeeze rhyme word, it feels much better to read, and "one... The structure of one..." is more rhythmic.

At the same time, we can also consider another kind of flat structure, that is, simply become the format of 仄仄仄, if the first sentence is "仄仄平平平仄仄", the pair of sentences is still "平平仄仄平平", which will not affect the overall flat structure.

This is also an improvement method, you can remove the "warm" word that squeezes the rhyme, let's use "warm" instead of trying the effect - "an inch of kindness and an inch of warmth, everyone is good for the world to be eternal spring".

In this way, even the flat water rhyme is combined, but when you read it, you feel that there is no first sentence into the rhyme - then we will use "an inch of kindness and an inch of warmth", although the problem of squeezing rhyme is still there, but the sense of chanting is much better, and the content has not changed.

As for the revision of the last sentence, it is based on the analysis of the overall content and the individual's outlook on life.

"Absolute Sentence" (original)

"Absolute Sentence" (rewrote)

An inch of kindness and an inch of warmth, all people are good to the world.

Zhu Men laughed at each other, only laughing at the good people in the world.

The taste of this requires people with different states of mind to slowly understand it.

(Here a friend has proposed that the word "good" appears three times in the revised work, will there be a problem with heavy words?)

I just found that there are two typos under the pinyin input to be corrected, so I will reply to them here.

Heavy words that I personally feel have a meaningful change, if they can enhance the sense of rhythm and highlight the theme, may not have a bad impact on the work - such as Li Shangyin's "Bashan Night Rain".

In this work, the first two are a progression from "inch good" to "all good", while the last one I revised has the meaning of "hypocrisy", which is to deliberately highlight the word "good".

Of course, everyone has different opinions and does not insist on liking. ）

Writing this, I remember that he said at the beginning that the seven absolute writing methods are different from the legal poems, but it can also be said.

In fact, from the perspective of universal grammar, the biggest difference between the seven absolutes and the seven laws lies in the arrangement of "starting and inheriting and turning". There are only four sentences in the absolute sentence, and there are eight sentences in the rhythm poem, so the rhythm poem is two sentences and one combination corresponding to the four words of "starting and turning": the first link, the jaw joint, the neck joint, the tail joint, and the arrangement is clear and clear.

The absolute sentence can only correspond to one word in one sentence, starting from the first sentence, the second sentence inherits, the third sentence turns, and the fourth sentence is combined. However, the number of words in the sentence is too small, so it is often not in line with the writing technique, but in the third sentence, it is a good emotional preparation, and in the fourth sentence, the poetry is launched like a rocket - the rocket flies out of sight, but still runs according to the established idea.

The thinking generated by the reader when reading the sentence must also be followed by the launch, both divergent and cannot deviate from the path preset by the poet, and truly understand the emotional explosion arranged by the poet outside the poem, and suddenly realize.

This is "blank space", which is the most charming way to write a sentence.

You see, I just guessed his state of mind, the things he encountered, and how to channel it from his four sentences- but this direction is actually what he has already formulated between the lines, and if you can't read it, it may be that the poet has not done a good job, and the second may be that the reader is not able to understand it, or does not have the interest and patience to really read him.

As for the revision of the last sentence, although there are only three words, the attitude of life has changed a lot. Readers will have different attitudes according to the previous situation and the three words I have revised, and their thinking will go in different directions - reading the original poem, you will feel uncomfortable, that kind of words can not be said, and even some grievances are in it, but the works I have changed are hoping to convey a clear attitude towards life.

If you can't read it, or that sentence, either I haven't changed it, or the reader hasn't bothered to understand it.

The poetic conveyance on top of the format is nothing more than that. Relative to the complete loop of the rhythmic poem, the absolute sentence is to deliberately leave a flaw, guide the reader's thinking to explore in the blank, and discover the creator's wit.

It is the true meaning of the absolute sentence.

Look at the length has been long, next time there is time to talk about his "Jiang Chun", but the same, everyone gives an example, it does not matter whether to talk about it or not.