Real character stories
Issue XXIX
A small person in a big city, a true recorder of ordinary life
Take a first-person perspective and take you into ordinary real life
People in this issue: Business executives who are fathers
The theme of this issue: How do you educate your children? I believe that you must carry out your love to your child from beginning to end, but have you ever thought about how your child feels about this love?
Most parents take it for granted that they infect their children with love and education, but unfortunately, the love of many people is not unconditional love.
On the contrary, behind these loves, there are countless conditions hidden, and many parents are not so much educating and infecting their children with love, but rather exercising deprivation in the name of "love".
Seeing this, I believe that many parents do not agree with it in their hearts, but it does not matter, let us stand together from the perspective of a bystander to feel the educational process of a parent.
When we stand in the perspective of the bystander, we may understand what is called self-touching and what is called non-loving behavior in the name of love.
We can lament and lament for him, but most importantly, we must learn from it.
Tell his story in the first person:
I was the vice president of a business and was busy with work in my youth, which led me to bring the heavy and happy topic of "children" to my life schedule until I was 34 years old.
Fortunately, the company's idleness during that time allowed me to quickly get my wish, and when I reached the age of 35, I officially became a father.
When I look at the life that flows with the same blood as me, the first thing that comes out of my heart is an endless sense of dedication, and I know that everything and everything I have will be around him in the future.
After many years, I was often touched by my thoughts at that moment, but I did not know that it was this sense of dedication, this self-touch, that "destroyed" him.
To this day, I'm still frustrated.
once
It's a good start
Fate is impermanent, and people look at a tree that will bear bitter fruit, but they expect it to bear sweet fruit in the future, but they do not know that from the moment they plant it, it is destined to bear bitter fruit.
I pride myself on being an enlightened father, and I am willing to accept the good and bad of my child, preferring to accept his child's free will and let him choose his own future path.
In his youth, my illusion of my own enlightenment had not yet been broken, and I was willing to let my children try and experience, even if what he tried and experienced was something I did not like and did not agree with.
When the parents around me are planning the future of their children, I have an equal dialogue with the children, so that the children can freely choose the direction of interests, hobbies and development.
In fact, for a long time, this way of education of mine has formed a very close relationship with the children, and the children are willing to share with me and are more willing to be close to me.
This kind of "free-range" education has actually achieved some success, and when my child was 11 years old, his motivation supported by interest made his achievements on the piano far exceed those of many of his peers.
But I have always had a hidden worry in my heart, although the child has his hobbies and interests, but in the final analysis, if he wants to emerge in the competition of society, he still needs education in school.
My hidden worry comes from the sixth grade, although his grades in school are not a mess, but they have been wandering in the middle and lower reaches, and I know that this backwardness in grades will gradually expand with time.
Hidden worries have gradually destroyed the relationship between me and him.
conflict
Coming soon
Time will inadvertently take away something, and I, who prides myself on being enlightened, will eventually be inadvertently robbed of the enlightenedness that I am proud of.
I don't know when it started, maybe it was the moment when a relative showed off my child's grades, or maybe it was a moment when a friend asked about my child's grades.
After a lifetime of strength, I could not sit idly by and watch my children fall behind academically, and I initially hoped to make the two sides reach an agreement through a gentle exchange, but with little effect.
I don't know how it feels to be a friend who has always communicated equally from a child's point of view when he suddenly poses as a father.
But I, who forced him to arrange his schedule and forced interference in his behavior and hobbies, most of the impression in his mind fell at a leap of speed.
Forced intervention, arranging his behavior and everything in his daily life, in my opinion, is not a kind of destruction of the relationship, on the contrary, it is the protection of the child by the "comer".
After all, I crossed the canoe bridge to the position of corporate executive, naturally know the importance of academic qualifications and learning thinking for a person, and I naturally do not want my children to fall behind here.
During that time, the child always chanted, "You have changed," and it seemed that overnight I had changed from his closest friend to an abominable enemy.
But even the child's nagging could not shake my determination, because it was "for his good", although he did not know how to be grateful now, but in the future, he will inevitably wake up.
"The grievances and insults I have suffered now will eventually become a source of guilt and gratitude for my children one day in the future", I always comfort myself.
With my intervention, the child's grades not only did not improve, but began to regress rapidly, which undoubtedly intensified the contradictions and conflicts between me and him.
I began to oppress him morally, emotionally: "I gave so much for you, and you repaid me so much?" ”
When I said this, I felt aggrieved, angry, unwilling, but neglected to feel the child's emotions.
Communicate from equality
To the point of being abominable
The tug-of-war between me and my child didn't last long, and perhaps getting used to my transformation, his academic performance continued to improve, eventually reaching the middle and upper levels.
When the child showed off to me with the rank of 53, although my heart was extremely happy, I still put my face on the face and asked him: "You should think about how to get into the top 30".
The reason I say this is not that I really want him to be in the top 30, but I don't want him to slack off because of his temporary achievements, and I don't want him to regress with pride.
The child's grades are still improving, but the rift between me and him is also widening, but this is not the most fatal, the most fatal thing is that the child's personality is changing.
When the child applied to me to go out with his classmates on Sunday, the expression of hope on his face was full of prayer and cowardice, and at that moment I suddenly realized that the child had achieved grades but lost what was really valuable.
Brave, positive, sunny, these are the qualities I used to want him to have, and I used to think that his happiness was much higher than everything in the world.
But what did I do? I personally killed his bravery and sunshine, I gave him cowardice and sensitivity, and now he is indeed a good student, a good child.
But he was no longer myself, and I was engaged in non-loving acts in the name of love, killing his truly precious qualities, and I suddenly realized that such a person must be painful.
He was naturally miserable, because the people who had been closest to him spoke of love in their mouths, but selfish in their actions.
I finally realized that the demand for his grades was not entirely out of consideration for his future, but out of my quest for face.
Face makes me look hateful and makes me regret it.
No return
Not looking for the future
Cowardly, sensitive, many people may not think that compared to the child's personality, grades are more important, but in the company for many years, I know that academic qualifications are just a stepping stone, a person's personality determines whether he can be happy, determines how far he can go.
I've met too many people like him in the company who don't dare to ask, don't dare to try, and can only follow the steps and keep trying to please life, even if they have a high degree, even if they have strong ability.
I used to be dismissive of their parents, believing that they shaped the fragile side of their children's personalities and made it difficult for them to make progress throughout their lives.
But now, like their parents, I have educated the same children in a brutal fatherly posture; by authoritarian means, I have snuffed out the precious side of their children's personalities.
I know that to reverse this character, you need to heal his psychological wounds, which takes time and needs real love.
What is true love? I asked myself, maybe it is not asking for returns, not seeking the future, only existing in the present.
From my point of view
Look at his life
Non-loving acts in the name of love, which abound in society, love, in many families, is not an unconditional giving, but an exchange in the name of love.
"I love you, I've paid so much for you, so you have to study hard, so you have to be obedient, or you'll fail me."
Although these implicit love also have the existence of giving, the calculation of return inevitably makes love less, more like a transaction.
Many people, in the process of giving in the name of love, are constantly increasing their expectations for each other, and while they pay, they are also exerting pressure on each other to reciprocate.
In the enterprise, I have seen too many employees with "character defects", who are limited by their personality and are always unable to take the step forward.
Behind these character flaws, most of them have a family that trades, deprives, and controls in the name of love.
If you're worried about whether you're having unloving behavior toward your children, you might be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
People who really need to worry, need to change, and need to realize their mistakes often think that they have all their love for their children, and they are naturally qualified to ask for returns.