Believe me, as twins, the first basic skill you learn is "calculating eccentricity."
For example, who gets more chocolate beans on that cake – even though none of us are hungry.
You know what I mean: spending a "more than ever" childhood in unimaginable intensity, intermittently suspecting that life is just a controlled experiment that controls genetic variables.
Later, I read the material and found that although parents may be reluctant to admit it, favoritism is widespread.
The first "parental differential treatment" study in Asia shows that eccentricity occurs in up to 65% of households (Catalin et al., 2020).
When parents treat their children differently and favor one of them, it can lead to depression (Boyle et al., 2004), both for favored and out-of-favor children.
01 Children who are left out in the cold
The first episode of the Korean drama "Please Answer 1988" successfully made countless people cry, because it deeply portrayed the "grievances of not being favored".
The girl "Deshan" grew up in a multi-sibling family.
Her birthday was not a few days away from her sister's, and her parents always "pulled out the three candles on the cake and passed her together" on her sister's birthday, as if Virtue was not so important.
▷ "Please Answer 1988"
And because her sister was preparing for an important exam, her brother was younger than her, so when the family ate fried chicken takeaway together, "Dad always asked Deshan to give two chicken legs to his sister and brother."
Under the glare of the candlelight, Deshan was aggrieved: Why only give my sister a birthday, and only buy "World Cup" ice cream for my brother? And I want to eat chicken thighs too!
Mom looking for a supplement: Then buy you beans to eat, don't you like beans?
Deshan: No, I can eat it if I don't.
▷ Virtue
For Deshan, where is the problem of beans and chicken legs, it is clearly the proposition of "who do my parents like more in their hearts".
Studies have shown that children who are left out in the cold:
- May grow up with long-term low self-esteem and consider yourself "inferior";
- Insecurity, not believing that they deserve to be loved;
- Develop strong defense mechanisms to protect yourself from being disappointed "because you are not chosen by important people";
- Can lead to a very independent outlook on life, believing that you don't need parents (or any intimacy);
- Low level of trust in relationships (Rauer et al., 2007).
However, because these children are "not valued", some skills have been developed:
- In childhood, they are more likely to develop more self-care skills (rather than caring for others);
- Can also pay attention to clues about "which behaviors are unacceptable" in the external world, helping to quickly adapt to unfamiliar environments;
- There is more room to develop personalization, create and realize your goals and dreams.
02 Favored children
So, the child who is pampered must have no fear?
The 2019 Golden Horse Awards film "Sunshine" tells a completely different story.
▷ 《Sunshine》
An ordinary family of four with two sons. The youngest son, Ah He (pictured on the left), did not learn any techniques because he cut people into the juvenile auxiliary nursing home.
Father Arwen does not admit that he has such a child. Someone asks, "How many children do you have?" Father never answered: one.
It was the eldest son, Ahao.
He is smart and responsible, friendly and has excellent grades. My father pinned all his hopes on him and told those around him that he would go to medical school.
▷ Ahao
But it was such a long time that Ahao, on a silent night, took a bath, cleaned up his room, and jumped out of the window.
Before committing suicide, Ahao sent a text message to the students in the cram school:
"We went to the zoo the other day. The sun was so strong that all the animals couldn't stand it that day, and they all managed to find a shadow to hide. I wish I had shadows to hide from, like these animals. But I looked around, and it wasn't just these animals that had shadows to hide from, but you, my brother, and even Sima Guang could find a corner with shadows. But I don't, no water tank, no darkness, only sunlight, 24 hours a day, bright and warm, sun shining."
Now, Arvin really only has one son.
It presents the price of being a darling in an extreme way: always in the spotlight, carrying the expectation of an "ideal role".
While pampered children often develop a sense of uniqueness, "being biased" also has its dark side. It can lead to:
- Children are under tremendous pressure to maintain a favored status and fear losing it (Sharpe et al., 1994);
- Strengthen sibling rivalry, because being pampered means being ostracized by other children. It is also possible to feel guilty towards siblings "because they have been treated preferentially";
- Tend to manipulate the more powerful parent;
- Fear of knowing yourself. Because they often hide from themselves and others the parts of themselves that their parents once disliked;
- Lack of experience needed to establish one's own identity. When they are chosen to "fill in the gaps in their parents' lives and psychology", the status of the darling is often integrated with the identity of the parents;
- Unaware of the impact of one's actions on others. In a favored environment, they always feel that they are "entitled" to what they want;
▷ "The Life of the Rejected Pine Nuts"
The benefits of being favored may be more obvious:
- Favored children have a strong sense of self-efficacy and are good at achieving goals, which often drives them to a good position in their careers;
- They are confident, determined and tenacious, always believing that they deserve "what I want";
- May be good at socializing. They are proficient in ingratiation and know how to win the trust of others, because they have mastered the art of getting along with their parents since childhood;
- Probably optimistic. They are not easily intimidated by challenges, but driven by a sense of accomplishment to succeed.
In short, under the favor of parents, being favored and falling out of favor have their psychological costs.
Both the spoiled child (pompous and guilty) and the intrinsic motivation of the out-of-favor child (jealousy, competition, guilt, inferiority, and compensatory exaggeration) may manifest as pathological symptoms (Yahav, 2007).
In one survey, sociology professor Jill Suite even found that "favored children show more depressive symptoms as adults," which may be due to sibling tensions or increased responsibilities to parental care and affection.
03 The question arises: Why do parents get biased?
1) Eccentricity may be an expression of a true emotion that reflects a preference that is deeply rooted in the heart of a parent
Clinical psychologist Ellen Weber Libby argues that "parental eccentricity, whether consciously or unconsciously manipulated— can be used to elicit desired behaviors from these children."
These actions are not necessarily material, but may also be "emotional rewards."
As a mother named "Susan" described why she was eccentric:
I'm more special with my eldest son. Because when I gave birth to him, my mother was very proud, and it was "the first and last time in her life that she praised me." Whenever I see this child, I think of my mother's affirmation of me.
▷ Ellen Weber Libby
Eccentricity stems in part from the parents' past experiences. Like what:
- A child has similar hobbies to their parents, reminding them of their favorite grandparents;
- The characteristics of a child awaken their traumatic experience. At this time, the child may play a kind of "mirror" role, exposing the parents' anger, avoidance and disapproval of this feature.
2) Eccentricity, which is related to the "emotional maturity" of parents
Lindsay C. Gibson, a doctor of clinical psychology, believes that if eccentricity is too obvious and pathological, it is not a sign of closeness, but a sign of "entanglement". This is most likely because the brother or sister who was favored was similar to your parents' psychological maturity (Bowen, 1978).
When parents are emotionally immature, getting along with people is often based on "roles" rather than "the uniqueness of each person". For example, if you are independent and sensible, "like a little adult", your parents will feel that you have no needs, and you will not have to play the role of parents.
But it's not because you're "unworthy of love," but it's probably because you don't show enough dependence to touch your parents' pestering instincts.
3) Which child is easily biased is also related to the "birth order"
Numerous studies on differential treatment have shown that family size, birth order and gender are associated with eccentricity. Like what:
- Parents expect more from their first child than they expect from their second child. It is easier to favor the youngest child and ignore the middle child;
- In patriarchal cultures, sons tend to be favored; mothers tend to prefer daughters when they are seen as a source of emotional and instrumental support;
- In single-parent and extended families, favoritism is more likely than in general families (Jenkins et al., 2003).
Also, eccentricity can also change over time. Parents may prefer children who are at a specific stage, such as babies or teens.
4) "Eccentricity" is not necessarily true, but "perceived"
The worst-case scenario is probably that every child in the family "feels that their parents are eccentric."
In fact, the "perceived eccentricity" is also related to the child's own personality (neurotic, easy-going, open-minded) (Vander et al., 1996).
For example, people who are more neurotic are more sensitive to eccentricity; children with lower self-esteem are more often compared to siblings; and children with low self-worth are more susceptible because individuals tend to process emotional information in ways consistent with their established beliefs (Rusting, 1998).
This makes it easier for them to infer their parents' evaluations of themselves with "eccentric behaviors" and may internalize these evaluations, leading to more anxiety, depressive symptoms, and problem behaviors such as smoking, alcoholism, and truancy (Loeser et al., 2016).
For these children, "eccentricity" is a trigger that may amplify or perpetuate existing anxiety or depression and affect psychological well-being.
04 Since parents can't avoid eccentricity, what should they do?
1) Normalize "Golden Boy Syndrome" and admit that "everyone is eccentric"
"Favorite child syndrome" is a concept proposed by Libby in his book Favorite Child.
She believes that, in a way, favoritism exists in every family. As a parent, you must first allow yourself to eliminate the shame associated with favoritism.
And, don't let your child live in secrets and deceptions caused by favoritism, and create a family atmosphere where discussion is open – because children can perceive "who is more liked by adults" at a very young age. When emotions are hidden and not expressed, they become destructive.
2) Let the eccentricity exist "fluidity"
According to Libby, there are two types of eccentricity, rigid favoritism and fluid favoritism.
The harmful aspects of rigidity are:
Parents and their bias toward a child are "rigid" and "persistent," or simply to enhance their parents' self-esteem and satisfy their own selves. This rigidity is based on "roles" and often harms the health of specific children and other family members.
But when there is "fluidity" in "eccentricity," that is, when each child is favored at different times and for different reasons (when this preference represents a vision of the child's "uniqueness") ——— this bias is healthier for all family members.
Fluid eccentricity gives every child a chance to be "favored" and "overlooked." Fairness, not "absolute fairness", is the driving force for healthy parenting.
3) Eccentricity or not being eccentric does not necessarily lead to bad results
Although the article talks about many negative effects of eccentricity, "differential treatment" does not necessarily lead to child adaptation problems.
The study also found that eccentric behavior is more harmful in environments where family ties are more distant. In one study, Lead Researcher Alex Jensen of Brigham Young University interviewed 282 families and found that "favoritism" did not even have a significant impact in close-knit families.
In addition, when eccentric behavior is more legitimate (such as when a child is in worse health), sibling relationships are good — and the degree of harm of eccentricity decreases.
Although no matter how old we are, we will always feel "vulnerable" to our parents' evaluations.
But hopefully, you know that parents' choices about "darlings" are often related to their own (conscious or unconscious) needs and have nothing to do with whether the child is "more worthy of expectation/like."
May you receive true and just right love.
bibliography
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Ellen Weber Libby, The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life
Shebloski, B., Conger, K. J., & Widaman, K. F. (2005). Reciprocal links among differential parenting, perceived partiality, and self-worth: a three-wave longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(4), 633–642. DOI: 10.1037/0893-3200.19.4.633
Makkink ID et al., The relation between the absolute level of parenting and differential parental treatment with adolescent siblings' adjustment. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2004 Nov;45(8):1397-406. DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2004.00846.x
MK et al., Longitudinal associations between sibling relationship quality, parental differential treatment, and children's adjustment. J Fam Psychol. 2005 Dec;19(4):550-9. DOI: 10.1037/0893-3200.19.4.550
Catalina et al., The Impact of Differential Parenting: Study Protocol on a Longitudinal Study Investigating Child and Parent Factors on Children’s Psychosocial Health in Hong Kong. Front. Psychol., 28 July 2020, DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01656
Lindsay Gibson, Immature Parents, June 2017, China Machine Press
Author: Jianghubian
Editor-in-Charge: Kuma
Cover: "Sunshine"