Have you noticed a strange phenomenon:
In life, we tend to smile and be pleasant to outsiders.
In the face of those close to him, he speaks unscrupulously and without covering his mouth.
But the power of language can never be underestimated.
Maybe your lover and child are suffering from your verbal violence.
This violence casts a lingering shadow on their hearts and even destroys a home.
A partner who can't speak well,
It is the poison in marriage
Friend Ajay got divorced a few days ago.
Behind the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau, he said to his ex-wife in a strong tone: "You are 33 years old, don't think that it is better to find a man again after divorce than me, I tell you, you will regret it." ”
At night, when he was eating with friends and halfway through drinking, he suddenly lost control of his emotions and lay on the table and cried:
"This home has been ruined by my own mouth."
Ajay is a warm-hearted person, but the shortcomings are also obvious, and speaking does not take care of other people's feelings.
When his ex-wife was sick, he was very concerned in his heart, but his mouth must not be spared: "I have long reminded you to cool down, wear more, and now I have a cold." ”
Obviously, he wanted to leave the family affairs to his ex-wife, but the words became: "Whatever you want, I can do." ”
I don't want my ex-wife to worry about my work, so I put my mouth on the perfunctory: "You don't understand anything, don't mix it up..."
Are you saying Ajay doesn't love his ex-wife?
It must be love, just words that come out of his mouth, but convey the opposite of love.
So in the end, there was no cheating, no domestic violence, and no little three, and their marriage still fell apart.
Image source: Panorama Vision
In the eyes of many, speaking is an insignificant thing, but as psychologist Marshall Luxemburg put it:
"Maybe we don't think that our way of talking is violent, but language does often cause pain to ourselves and others."
In front of the most intimate people, people are often easy to be unscrupulous, and their speech and behavior are full of inexplicable unscrupulousness.
But you never know what kind of harm your lover will bring to your lover by blurting out a sentence at will.
Parents who don't talk well,
It is the pain of a child's life
Netizen @Lingzi once described her own experience:
After living for twenty or thirty years, she never felt the warmth of "home".
Ever since she had a memory, she often heard her parents answer each other's rhetorical questions.
"How do I know", "Otherwise", "What do you say"...
Later, this crude language habit was like a vicious circle, and it was passed on to her.
One of the most impressive things was that she accidentally broke her leg while doing housework, and her mother saw it and began to break her thoughts:
"It's really useless, what else will you do?" If you marry someone in the future and can't cook, and if your mother-in-law kicks you out, we won't help you..."
Finally, I have to bring another taunt that "I will not be angry with you if I knew it earlier."
She didn't cry or cry out in pain when she fell, but when she heard those words, she felt her heart cold.
Later, she went to the south against the opposition of her whole family, so that she could return home a few times less.
We are always accustomed to defending our parents who are not good at talking, saying that they are knife-mouthed tofu hearts, saying that they are actually for the good of their children.
But in fact, the knife mouth is also very hurtful.
Dr. Ethan of the University of Michigan has done an experiment that confirmed that when people are attacked by verbal violence, emotional pain responds in the brain region, which is very similar to physical pain, and the nervous system can experience almost the same level of pain.
Those words spoken casually may not leave scars on the child's body, but they will hurt the child's heart to pieces.
Every time I remember it, it's like a lingering delay.
Cutting the cracks between each other with one knife and one knife also destroys the harmonious parent-child relationship step by step.
How we use verbal violence,
Step by step, he destroyed his own home
I often hear a sentence: a good word is warm in three winters, and a bad word hurts people in June.
But unfortunately, what we can hurt is often the people closest to us.
Someone on the Internet once summed up an 8 common sentence patterns of "Chinese families are not good at talking":
1. Indicative: "You should..."
2. Accusatory type: "What else are you going to do!" ”
3. Label type: "Why are you always like this?" ”
4. Impatient, indifferent type: "How do I know!" "Whatever, whatever."
5. Rhetorical question type: "Won't you see it for yourself?" "Otherwise..."
6. Pour cold water type: "I knew it would be like this..."
7. Injured relative type: "You are the same as your mother/father..."
8. Aggressive: "Don't you have a little number in mind?" ”
Many netizens are too hard to read after reading the direct call.
Yes, these dialogue scenes are all too familiar, like three meals a day, integrated into our daily lives.
Once, because of the same verbal abuse, we became inferior, afraid to communicate, and desperately wanted to escape such a home.
But sometime we didn't know when we became the kind of people we hated the most.
We began to yell at our families, only wanted to blame and did not want to understand, only ordered, lazy to communicate, learned not to thank, did not know how to apologize.
Leave kindness to strangers and rudeness to those close to you.
However, no matter how deep the feelings, they cannot withstand the addition of bad words again and again.
Talk well,
It is the best feng shui in a home
A good family atmosphere may be composed of various factors.
But all happy families have a common feature, that is, they talk well with each other.
Many people don't know how to express their emotions, so when they hurt their loved ones, they also make themselves scaled.
In fact, many times we just need to change the way we express ourselves, we can avoid hurt and conflict, and pass on love and warmth to our families.
1. When speaking, don't patronize your feelings
If you want to maintain a long-term good relationship, it depends on whether you have "commonality" with each other and whether you can think in a different position.
Before you open your mouth, think about it from the other side's position, take a look, and you will find:
Maybe she's nagging about your drinking because she's worried about your body; maybe his neglect of you is due to the exhaustion of three days of overtime.
2. When angry, please give yourself a little time.
When people are angry, they are most likely to lose their minds and only want to vent their emotions.
However, when things happen, blame is the most ineffective practice, not only does not solve the problem, but also intensifies the contradiction.
When you are angry, you must first stabilize your emotions before making judgments.
3. Speak clearly and don't add impurities to your feelings.
Many misunderstandings arise because they do not express their meaning correctly.
Obviously want to encourage praise, but always habitually hit; obviously want to care about others, but blurt out blame.
Two people together, is to have something to say well, do not hurt the people you care about because of your emotions.
4. Make good use of the ear, it is more able to speak than the mouth.
Listening is also a language of love.
In times of conflict, listen to each other's needs and better understand each other.
In "A Man's Pilgrimage", there is a sentence that pokes at me:
"Cherish the sincerity of language, and don't use them as ammunition."
What really determines the happiness of a family is not the house, not the money, but the attitude we show to the family.
Speaking well, encouraging and understanding the people close to you is the most important atmosphere in a home.
Click [like], home and talent everything is happy, don't let your home, ruined in will not talk well.
With you.
Author: Xiao Da. Source: Ten o'clock reading, ten o'clock late at night, reading with you, a good life. Good book/story/american text/radio/aesthetics.