"Chosen Daughter", "China's First Winter Olympic Women's Snow Sports Gold Medal", "Ten Girls"...
The circle of friends on February 8 belongs to Gu Ailing.
Unlike many athletes, Gu Ailing has a rare relaxation and happiness in competitive competitions. The style of the game is cool, and the difficulties faced by journalists from all over the world are also appropriately handled.
No wonder there is a hot search that is, "Which window did God close for Gu Ailing?" ”
In Gu Ailing's aura, the most important thing that cannot be ignored is the participation of her mother Gu Yan.
The way they get along is also enviable.
There is both love between mother and daughter, and mutual appreciation between two independent women, both mutual respect and mutual achievement.
Gu Ailing has a cute interview, she proudly said: "I know that all children think that their mother is the best, but my mother is the best, because she knows more than others." 」
Sorry other moms, my mom is better than you. ”
She always left the highest compliments to her mom, saying "Mom is the biggest person she's ever seen."
The relationship with the mother is the first relationship we experience when we come to the world, and the way you get along with the mother determines the way you get along with the world.
Psychologist Owen Yaron had a dream ten years after his mother's death.
He was in an amusement park, sitting on a cable car leading to a dark haunted house, and when he was extremely nervous, he shouted, "Mom, how am I doing?" ”
In the dream, he relived his relationship with his mother, who loved and ignored each other, who never complimented or even feared each other.
When he wakes up, Owen Yalon finds that he has spent his whole life studying the meaning of life, the value of relationships, and he originally thought that the meaning of life lies in creativity, but in his dreams, the subconscious pointed out that his life was pursuing another goal - to win the approval and approval of his mother.
In the movie "Spring Tide", Hao Lei plays Guo Jianbo, a 40-year-old newspaper reporter, outside, she is dedicated and conscientious, tracking child sexual assault, homicide, and violent conflict, but when she returns home from work, she becomes depressed.
Her mother, Ji Minglan, divorced when she was young and grew up alone with her daughter. In his mother's mouth, his ex-husband is an out-and-out scumbag, and his difficult and lonely life is because he married him and gave birth to a daughter.
Therefore, she vented her hatred for her ex-husband on her daughter, and any topic could be pulled to Guo Jianbo, and then pushed to her ex-husband, full of fire, telling him all kinds of unbearable.
Guo Jianbo said: "I was punished by my mother for forty years because my surname is Guo. ”
Stills from the movie "Spring Tide"
The relationship with her mother was tense, and Guo Jianbo also became a single mother, and her daughter Guo Wanting was taken with her grandmother from birth.
Guo Wanting, 9 years old, grew up living among two women who quarreled at every turn, and learned to look at her face early on, she was both the lubricant between her grandmother and her mother, and the fuse for the outbreak of new contradictions between the two.
My mother complained: "My misfortune is all because of you." ”
The child was wronged: "You gave birth to me and suffered without my consent." ”
The tragic mother-daughter relationship cycles between accusations and complaints.
The book "Immature Parents" points out that although many people have become physical parents, they are still children psychologically.
For example, if you don't agree with a word, you will lose your temper and sulk;
Always say, "I eat more salt than you cross the bridge, and you have to listen to me";
If there are multiple children in the family, they will show obvious eccentricity;
These show that they are not emotionally mature.
Lindsay Gibson, author of Immature Parents, a Doctor of Psychology who specializes in researching and addressing the problem of immature parents and providing psychotherapy for adults with immature parents, proposes that there are four types of immature parents: driven, emotional, negative, and rejective.
Driven parents always want to use their own standards and hopes to promote their children's growth.
You will only satisfy his wishes if you grow up to be what they want.
Emotional parents, emotionally prone to collapse, always need others to take care of their emotions.
Song Qian in "Little Joy" is a typical emotional mother.
The child accompanied her to watch a movie, she found that the child had already seen it with her classmates, and immediately became angry and asked the child why he was hiding from her.
The child lives carefully, afraid that he will make a mistake and provoke her again.
Su Daqiang in "All Is Good" is a typical negative parent, always doing the hand-shaking treasurer and running when he encounters problems.
Every time his wife and children clashed, he hid in the toilet and pretended nothing had happened.
Negative parents still have a child living in their hearts, they can't carry things, and they need someone to make decisions for themselves.
The heart of the rejecting parent is like a big iron door, and as soon as the child approaches, they quickly close the door.
They have serious expressions and no smiles at their children. The mantra that is often hung on the lips is: do your own thing, don't always want to ask others.
In order to please immature parents, children's self-perception and behavior patterns can be severely distorted.
This harm does not stop in childhood, but continues into adulthood: they may lack self-confidence, handle relationships poorly, marry people who are similar to their parents, and unconsciously repeat their parents' patterns for the next generation.
As children of emotionally immature parents, they often have a common fantasy: that their parents will eventually change and that they will express their love for themselves.
In order to get the love of their parents, many people circle around their parents like foraging birds, trying to get a positive response as insignificant as crumbs.
In order to improve their relationship with their parents, they often learn various communication skills and do various things that they hope to attract their parents' attention, so that they are willing to interact with themselves.
The reality, however, is that parents who are too self-centered will reject all the responsibilities they should take.
Instead, they may be immersed in their own fantasies, expecting children to make up for what is missing in their lives.
This is what we often say: parents are waiting for a "thank you" from their children, and children are waiting for a "sorry" from their parents.
To end this pattern and establish a new relationship, children need to take their attention away from the relationship, avoid emotional entanglements, and learn to calmly observe their parents and their roles.
There is a very strong mother in Immature Parents who demands that her children obey her orders.
The child said: "I often feel that I can only feel better if my mother starts to approve of me." ”
But when he decided to objectively observe his mother's emotional immaturity and no longer get hurt easily, he felt that his life had changed dramatically:
"For the first time I really recognized my mother's behavior, I was no longer as angry or disappointed as I used to be, and I always felt compelled to get her approval."
Because he realized his mother's emotional immaturity and began to learn to recognize himself, he no longer felt that he needed to keep circling around his mother and becoming a "good child" in her eyes, he no longer took on the emotional growth problems of his mother, and gained unprecedented relaxation and freedom.
Lindsay Gibson believes that no parent is perfect, but emotionally mature parents should have three major qualities:
One is based on reality and is very reliable; the second is to respect others and know reciprocity; the third is to know how to respond.
May every parent examine their emotional maturity, continue to grow, and become the strongest fortress for their children.
Author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
Image | Visual China, Network (if there is infringement, please contact to delete)