"Dream of the Red Chamber" is a novel known for depicting people's feelings and sophistication, and the Jia family mentioned in the book has been passed down for nearly a hundred years, and the various relationships within the family are intricate and complex, and contradictions between people are frequent.
In feudal society, an aristocratic family, hundreds of people up and down, inside and outside, there are entangled relationships between concubines, masters and servants, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, father and son, mother and daughter. Without a certain interpersonal communication ability, it will be difficult to eat.
Jia Fu was wang Xifeng's housekeeper at first, but because Wang Xifeng needed to be nursed after illness, Lady Wang temporarily decided to let Tanchun, Li Feng, and Baochao assist in household chores, and still be managed by Fengjie after fengjie raised her body.
Tan Chun is a shu out of the girl, just after taking over the burden of the housekeeper, she is facing many troubles, there are slaves bullying the master, there is a mother is difficult, she wants to do something for the prosperity and development of the family, but also have to worry about and weigh the interests of all parties up and down.
But after all, Tanchun is shrewd and capable, although she is from a common woman, she has a certain ability to handle complex interpersonal relationships, which is very rare. The following is to select some incidents as examples to see how Tanchun calmed down the dispute and handled the contradictions.
In the palace, the old lady died, and during the daily sacrifice of the female relatives of Jia Province, Sister Feng was sick in bed, and there was no one to manage the family for a while, so there was some chaos inside Jia Province.
For example, Aunt Zhao took jasmine powder from Baoyu because of Jia Huan, and felt that the little girls in the house deliberately bullied Jia Huan, so she decided to go to Yihong Courtyard to make a scene, and finally tangled with Fang Guan and four other girls who studied drama.
After Tan Chun learned about it, he brought Ping'er and others over, and after asking the reason, Aunt Zhao kept talking about it, and she couldn't tell the cause and effect, so She had to take Aunt Zhao to a place where there were few people to persuade her carefully.
But Tanchun's method of persuading Aunt Zhao was very in place:
Just before the opening of the transaction, who knew that Qingwen had sent Chunyan back to explore the spring early. At the moment, You Shi, Li Yi, and Tan Chun came with Ping'er and the daughters-in-law and drank the four of them. Asked about the reason, Aunt Zhao stared angrily, thick tendons, one hundred and fifty, can't say clearly. You and Li did not answer, and only drank the four of them. Tanchun sighed and said, "What a big deal, my aunt is too willing to be angry!" I was about to ask my aunt for consultation, and the strange lady said that she didn't know where, she was angry here, so come with me. You Shi and Li Shi both laughed and said, "Auntie please come to the hall, let's discuss." ”
Aunt Zhao couldn't, so she had to come out with the three of them, and her mouth was still long and short.
Tanchun told a lie.
She broke up aunt Zhao and couldn't help but lie. Because Aunt Zhao is a person who is difficult to pull.
She was a concubine who was bullied and humiliated in Jia Province, and Wang Xifeng often reprimanded and insulted her on weekdays. This half-slave, half-master woman lived a very undignified life, but because she gave birth to Jia Huan, she also dreamed that from now on she could live a good life on this son. In Jia Province, what she lacks most is actually respect, the dignity of human life.
But this dignity, no one wants to give her, she can not earn. Tanchun and the others said that they had something to invite her to the hall to discuss, not only gave Aunt Zhao face in front of people, but also let her have a step down, it seemed that Miss Jia Fu could look up to her and attach importance to her, so that she could feel a little relieved in her heart.
In the book Communication: The Construction and Maintenance of Effective Interpersonal Relationships (11th Edition), written by William Thurler and others, the author mentions the following suggestions for effective communication: deal with problems clearly and decisively, try to avoid vague or abstract statements; know how to respect others, do not deliberately speak inferiorly or lose their temper; know how to appreciate, make the other party feel special, and say what he wants to hear to the other party, and it is likely to get expected or even unexpected feedback.
It can be seen that this sentence that Tanchun said to Aunt Zhao used the second and third suggestions. Her words, "Please consult with your aunt," must have been a phrase that Aunt Zhao wanted to hear in her dreams.
Aunt Zhao claimed that she had spent so many years boiling oil in Jia Province, and she knew that her status as a half-slave and half-master was still looked down upon by many people, and she longed for someone to respect her, to make her feel respected and needed. Therefore, when Tanchun, Youshi, and Li Feng were so respectful to her, the original text said that "Aunt Zhao could not, but had to come out with the three of them", which shows that Tanchun and others have achieved their goal.
After opening Aunt Zhao, Tanchun persuaded aunt Zhao to comfort her like this:
Tanchun then said, "Those little ladies are originally some things, like it, talk and laugh with her, if you don't like it, you can ignore her." She is not good, just like the cat and dog scratched and bit for a while, forgive but forgive, when not forgiven, you should only call the housekeepers and daughters-in-law to go, saying to punish her, why do you feel disrespectful, yelling and drinking, losing the system! You look at Aunt Zhou, why don't you see anyone cheating on her, and she doesn't look for anyone to go. I advised my aunt to go back to her room to be angry, not to listen to the instigation of those, not to make jokes, to stay by yourself, and to do rough work for people. I have twenty points of anger in my heart, and I also endure these days, waiting for my wife to come back and cook naturally. Aunt Zhao was speechless and had to go back to her room.
These words were less than two hundred words, but the sentences were reasonable, and Aunt Zhao was dumbfounded. why?
The book Communication: Building and Maintaining Effective Relationships has a theory that points out several skills that are important for developing and maintaining relationships: comfort skills, persuasion skills, rule awareness, and so on.
There are many layers of meaning in Tanchun's words, first of all, she agrees that Aunt Zhao and those little ladies are quarrelsome, for a reason, or because she does not like them, or because they are not good, this layer of meaning, in Aunt Zhao's ears, she will not feel wronged. This is Tanchun standing on the side of a third party, persuading Aunt Zhao that she does not think that all the fault lies with Aunt Zhao. It's her comforting skills and persuasion skills.
The second meaning is that Tanchun taught Aunt Zhao a way, and when she encounters those little ladies who are not good and have done some unforgivable things, they should let the housekeepers and daughters-in-law reprimand and punish them, and they do not have to go and pull with them themselves, so as not to lose their integrity. This is the rules and methods that Tanchun taught Aunt Zhao to follow in dealing with complicated things, and use these rules to correct wrong behavior.
The third time, Tanchun reminded Aunt Zhao that maybe there was nothing wrong in the world, and she was instigated by someone to be a gun. In the end, she comforted Aunt Zhao that even if there was something bad, she would bear with it, and when the wife returned, she would naturally take care of it.
Tan Chun did guess correctly, the reason why Aunt Zhao was so quarrelsome with the drama was indeed that Xia Pozi provoked trouble from it. But as for saying that Madame Wang will take care of these things when she returns, it is not necessarily true, but this is just comforting. But in any case, Tanchun temporarily stabilized the situation.
In interpersonal communication, to build and maintain good interpersonal relationships, it is indeed necessary to master relevant strategies, which even need to grasp a lot of measures and details.
During the visit to the Chun Li family, he was able to use these strategies flexibly, crying when he should express sadness, suppressing the slave with words when he should establish his prestige, and dispatching troops to call ping'er to help when he should borrow power. Finally, with regard to communication skills, a skill that teachers don't teach in school, for each of us, learning a little can be beneficial for a lifetime.
References: "Dream of the Red Chamber Fat Collection", by Cao Xueqin, Comments on Fat Yan Zhai, Yuelu Book Club. Communication: Building and Maintaining Effective Relationships, By William M. J. Søller et al., China Industrial and Information Publishing Group, People's Post and Telecommunications Publishing House.