Author | Sweet Mom
I've heard a passage:
If you compare family education to the Western Heavens,
That child is Tang Monk, and the mother is that Sun Wukong, and the child will call Goku whenever something happens.
And dad, like the eight precepts, usually silent, what tutoring homework, participate in parent-teacher meetings, accompany children to interest classes, these small things are all regardless, but also worry about whether he is still nostalgic for "Gao Laozhuang".
Chinese families have always had a misunderstanding, "male outside, female inside".
Dads are either in the office during the day or on their way to meet customers.
Even when I get home at night, my energy will be on my phone.
And in homeschooling, it has always been an "expensive scarcity"
Most children are in the hands of their mothers.
There is a set of surveys showing:
Up to 77% of fathers spend less than 1 hour a day with their children,
Only 9% of dads spend more than 3 hours with them.
People always subconsciously think:
Spending time with the child is a mother's business, it has nothing to do with him.
So here's why:
"When the child sees his mother, he has nothing to cry about",
"Whoever the child sleeps with is the child."
Children are very simple,
They quantify "love" as time, and whoever spends more time with me loves me.
My mother accompanies me a lot, so I kiss my mother,
Dad didn't spend time with me, and he didn't love me.
So, here's why dads are curious:
Why is it that the older the child, the more alienated he is from me?
As the painter Liu Yong said:
Many dads have no hands in their children's drawings. Why?
Because in the child's memory, the father is like a shadow, always unable to grasp.
Reliable, but not very existential.
Psychologists say:
The role of the father has a considerable impact on the child,
Especially before the child turns 12.
If the father's companionship is less,
For boys, he will lose the power of example, become inferior and rebellious, and affect his studies and career;
For girls, she will lose her sense of security, become less confident, and even affect her future view of mate selection.
Why, let the father take the child?
The research results of the Peruvian University in the United States show that children raised by men have high IQs, they have better grades in school, and they are more likely to succeed in society.
Cai Xiaowan, did not graduate from college, a family of 8 squeezed in a 16-square-meter rental house, but cultivated 6 children, each one into a talent, known as the "father of the doctor".
The eldest son, Cai Tiantian, graduated from Cornell University in the United States with a doctorate and is now the youngest tenured professor at the University of Pennsylvania;
The second son, Cai Tianwu, was admitted to the junior class of the University of Science and Technology of China at the age of 14, graduated with a doctorate at the age of 25, and is currently the vice president of Goldman Sachs in the United States;
The third son, Cai Tianshi, graduated from Beijing Foreign Chinese College, ph.D. from St. John's University, USA;
The fourth son, Cai Tianrun, graduated from the Department of Medicine of West China Medical University and received his Ph.D. from Arkansas State University;
The fifth son, Cai Tianjun, holds a master's degree from the University of Science and Technology of China, and now holds an important position in a banking institution;
Cai Tianxi, the sixth daughter, graduated from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology at the age of 18 and became the youngest associate professor at Harvard University at the age of 28.
Numerous media interviewed him: What is your parenting secret?
He said: I regard my father as my career.
Similarly, Lin Yilun, who was popular throughout the country with a "Love Bird" song, was later silent for a long time.
He returned to the entertainment industry again, but he ascended to the throne of "bully parent".
The eldest son, Lin Zihao, was admitted to Harvard Parsons, ranked second in the world and number one in the United States, and was awarded a scholarship of $12,000 a quarter.
The youngest son, Leo, is the only boy enrolled in Thatcher Middle School, which ranked first in the West Coast of the United States.
On the growth path of the two children, Lin Yilun has not been absent.
He said: My greatest career is to do a good job as a father.
What happened to the father who did not accompany the child?
The world will not treat fathers who are willing to take the initiative to accompany their children, and will secretly punish those who "do not accompany their children".
My cousin is 30 years old, has no plans to get married in her life, and does not come home for the New Year.
When my uncle had a birthday last year, my uncle said it at the dinner table and was angry:
"Do you still have points, all 30, not yet married, old woman, who wants you?"
My cousin said:
"I don't need you to raise me, you don't care when I get married, you take care of yourself first."
The uncle was immediately on fire and dropped the plate:
"How do you talk to your dad?" Something without conscience, who raised you so big? ”
"Who raised me that big?" My grandma, not you anyway.
Have you ever given me a parent-teacher conference? Have you accompanied me to the supermarket once? Have you bought me a dress? I went to school outside, did you call me once?
I'd rather not get married in my life, and no one will look for you like this! ”
My cousin has been a strong child since she was a child, studying particularly hard, each exam is in the top three, and the college entrance examination has also been tested in a provincial heavy book,
It is reasonable to say that such a child of other people's children is a proper winner in life, but the cousin is a child who "lacks love".
When she was a child, her motivation to learn well was that her father would accompany her to go out and play.
But when she scored 90, her father threatened her: "If you take this test, what university are you going to, are you worthy of us?" ”
At 100 points, Dad will only say: "What is this, have the ability to take the first exam?" ”
When I was a child, I didn't care, but when I grew up, I still pointed out my cousin's work life.
Ming Ming's cousin took a high-paying job in Shanghai, and her uncle and aunt did not let her return to her hometown;
Obviously urging her to get married, my cousin said: Then borrow me some money to pay the down payment, and my uncle said: I have no money. But he turned around and sent his son to a private aristocratic school.
Obviously, I don't send WeChat once a year, but sending WeChat is actually asking my cousin for money.
Last year, my cousin received my uncle's WeChat, saying that the business funds were trapped and needed to be rotated, and I took away my cousin's hundreds of thousands of dollars at once, and there was no follow-up.
But my uncle had several houses, and any one of them was worth more than hundreds of thousands.
I especially hurt her: if you don't love her, why don't you let her go when you grow up?
My cousin said that from that moment on, she was completely dead to her father's two words.
She was very disliked to have contact with boys, felt that there was no good man in the world, and all the boys who touched her were forced away by her pricks; she was even more tired of getting married and did not like children.
She blocked her father's contact information and said that he would never care about him when he was old.
There is a similar scene in the movie "Young and Vigorous".
Fred's daughter tearfully accused and complained to her father: You never give, you don't pay your mother and you don't give to me...
Her dad almost never cared about her, it was her mom who was worried.
She knew from an early age that she wanted to be independent because no one could rely on her, only herself.
However, the absence of her father's love makes her full of frustration with the opposite sex, and she is particularly easy to provoke scumbags.
When someone else treats her better, she feels like she wants to be with him;
A sweet word, a piece of sugar can easily trick her into the trap of love;
Even if it is someone else's fault, she will subconsciously think that she has not done a good job and seek perfection.
Later, when her husband cheated, her first reaction was not to think that the other party was doing wrong, but to feel that she was not doing well enough, and the other party would make a mistake.
When I watched her forgive her husband, seek perfection, and hide herself and cry in humble pain, my heart hurt particularly.
This girl who was not loved by her father since she was a child, grew up but wanted to be loved once, how could it be so difficult?
The world is also secretly punishing "fathers who don't accompany their children"
For boys, the dangers of paternal absence begin to manifest themselves in adolescence.
There was once a documentary that uncovered the hidden feelings behind the children in juvenile detention centers.
There is a child who has lacked the company of his father since he was a child, and even if his father is at home, he will only shout.
He has been working against his father since he was a child, so angry that his father did not care about him, and no one taught him right and wrong, right and wrong.
When he was 14 years old, he got into a fight with his classmates and accidentally stabbed someone else.
The police at the juvenile detention center said that this situation is called typical paternal love deficiency.
Children who lack father's love are emotionally unstable, impulsive, and more fragile in their hearts, and are prone to passion and mistakes.
The famous animation master Hayao Miyazaki was absent from his son's life because he was busy with work when he was a child, which led to the father and son "turning against each other".
The son has been attacking his father since he grew up:
"He made my mom work harder than the average woman, was a zero-point father, and was worthless at home."
Miyazaki said:
No matter how much I animate, I warmed up the childhood of many people, and I could not change back to my son's childhood.
The world is secretly punishing fathers who don't accompany their children.
When you lie in bed and look at your phone, you still want your child to study well?
No
You get the same teenager who likes to lie in bed and play games and brush videos.
When you give up time for tutoring homework and storytelling to your mother and staring at the TV yourself,
You get the same one,
Kids who don't like to learn, don't concentrate, and like to watch TV.
When you feel that the child is troublesome, unwilling to talk to him, do not like to play with him toys, do not go out with him, say that work is busy,
Many years later,
When you want to communicate with your child, meet,
May also be forgotten in the corner of WeChat,
Because your children will treat you the same way.
Companionship is the best education,
If you habitually think that "educating children is a matter for mothers",
So after those years,
All your laziness in stealing with your children will become the deepest regret on the road of education.
The laziness of the father in the first half of his life will cause loneliness in the second half of his life.
How good are those children who have their fathers with them?
Nobel laureate Richard Feynman said: "Much of my success came from my father's education.
Psychologists point out that there are many benefits for dads to spend time with their children:
● Cultivate children's sense of responsibility
Harvard University research: There are two development directions in life, one is intimacy, and mothers have natural advantages in this regard;
The second is independence, which is a natural advantage of the father.
Therefore, the company of the father can let the child learn to distinguish between right and wrong, and have a sense of responsibility.
At the same time, it is more conducive to developing an independent and confident personality.
● Give your child enough security
2 to 6 years old is a critical period for every child to build a sense of security,
For boys, Dad is a hero and a role model;
And for girls, dad is companionship, is safe,
Dad's sufficient companionship not only gives children a sense of security, but also helps children better explore the world, cultivate the ability to explore, cultivate good living habits, and character development.
● Strengthen gender identity: Girls are more like girls, boys are more like boys
Studies have shown that
Lacking the company of the father, the boy will lack masculinity and become a bit feminine;
And girls will force themselves to become "fierce", a bit of "grandfathers", "women"
And the company of the father will make the girl more like the girl, and the boy more like the boy.
Girls will be more gentle and firm, understand the bottom line and boundaries, and will not be cheated away by a piece of sugar;
Boys will be braver and more responsible, have the courage and self-confidence to face difficulties, and at the same time have a strong sense of right and wrong.
● Better understand self-discipline and self-control
Fromm says in The Art of Love:
Mom represents nature, earth and ocean, is our hometown;
Papa represents the world of ideas: law, order, and discipline.
Because of gender relations, Dad will emphasize more rule awareness, emphasize fairness and responsibility,
So mom is better suited to be a decision maker, and dad is better suited to be an enforcer in the family.
Some studies have shown that children tend to have less natural attachment and pampering to their mothers in front of their fathers, and will become more disciplined.
Therefore, the children raised by the father have more self-control and self-discipline behavior when facing temptation.
And children who know self-control can master their own lives.
● Children have higher IQ and emotional intelligence
WHO research has found that children who spend more than 2 hours per day with their fathers on average have higher IQs and emotional intelligence.
"The Current Situation of Family Education in China" said: Fathers have an irreplaceable impact on children's learning, personality, emotions, quality, physique and other aspects.
These 5 things, Mom don't care, you must do it!
"The First Lesson of School" says:
When educating your children, you choose to earn money, do not discipline the children, and when the children grow up, the money you have worked hard to earn for a lifetime will not be able to withstand his failure for a year.
Raising your children well is making a lot of money!
These 5 things, Mom don't care, must be left to Dad to do:
● Play with your child for at least 10 minutes a day
Psychologist Piaget said: Childhood is a critical period for children's cognitive development, and play is their daily activity and the best way to educate them.
Some dad would say: Only 10 minutes? I spend hours with my kids every day.
Have you been lying on the couch brushing your phone and playing games for a few hours?
This is ineffective accompaniment and useless.
Put down your phone and play with your child.
These 10 minutes, the effect is unexpected.
● Spend at least one outdoor exercise with your child once a week
It can be climbing, kicking, playing badminton.
Someone has counted a set of data,
Of the 42 college entrance exam winners in 2017, 24 were very fond of sports.
A college entrance examination winner who studied at Tsinghua University said:
"I was able to get into Tsinghua thanks to my high school class teacher taking us to play football for an hour every day!"
After exercise, children will produce dopamine, which can keep him in a state of hyper-learning and learn happily;
A study by Columbia University showed that
Physical exercise two to four times a week can make the hippocampus in the brain larger,
This part of the area is responsible for the child's learning and memory, and the more developed the child, the smarter the child.
Fathers and children can not only establish a closer father-son relationship.
Moreover, in the process of getting along with the child alone, the father can enter the child's heart and better appreciate the hardships of the mother.
● Eat dinner with your child at least 3 times a week
Dinner is a rare time for a family to get together, and it is also a sense of ceremony of the day.
Dad tried not to be absent.
"Baby, are you happy today?"
"Is there anything fun?"
"Do you need help from mom and dad?"
Let the child feel the love of his parents for him, and the parent-child relationship can be more harmonious.
● Take the initiative to share the housework
A good family relationship is: never "help" the mother with housework.
Because each of us is a member of the family and has a responsibility to maintain the cleanliness and cleanliness of this home.
A university study from the University of London showed that whether dads do or not do housework can affect their children's career choices, especially their daughters.
In families where dads don't do housework, daughters tend to choose housewives or service-oriented occupations;
Dad often does housework, and daughters are more willing to challenge careers such as CEOs and business executives.
● Dad loves Mom
A father said to his daughter, "Remember to look for the other half, look more at the family atmosphere in his family, whether the parents are loving, and whether the family is harmonious."
Because the father-in-law's attitude towards the mother-in-law is likely to be your husband's attitude towards you in the future. ”
Some institutions have investigated 100 cases of marriages on the verge of collapse, and more than 50% of them come from families with parents who have quarreled for many years, alcoholism, affairs, and domestic violence.
Don't believe it, go and see how sons understand marriage in families where fathers drink and talk rudely to their mothers;
Look at how sons understand marriage in families where fathers are considerate and soft-spoken to their mothers.
Don't underestimate the subtle impact of your original family on a person.
When people see something, they will get used to it; what they get used to, they will embody.
Therefore, the father must learn to express love.
A good family relationship is that Dad can talk and Mom is in good mood.
● The best education is "mom decides"
Huang Lei once shared that when his wife educates her children, he is firmly behind her, even if his ideas are inconsistent, he will not oppose them in front of the children.
When the child asks the father, "Can I do this?" "Can I stop playing the piano?"
Huang Lei would ask, "What did your mother say?"
The children would tell him, "Mom doesn't agree."
Huang Lei would say that he did not agree.
Because of good homeschooling, there can only be one voice.
As a father, as long as the general direction of the mother is correct, then firmly stand in the position of the mother, understand and respect the opinion of the mother, and implement her philosophy.
But it's not about letting mom take all the blame.
Rather, the role of parents is different, and the division of labor is also different.
Mom is the decision, is the direction;
Dad is a role model and a companion.
raising boys,
Mothers cultivate children's habits and conduct, and give boys the correct three views and bottom lines;
Dad taught him self-confidence, courage, responsibility, pattern, and gave his children better role model power.
raising girls,
The mother cultivates the girl's knowledge, three views and personality, and determines the height of the girl's life;
Dad gave her a sense of security, self-esteem, self-love, and then love, and gave the girl a good marriage template.
Harvard psychology professor Gilbert said:
"Ten years from now, you won't regret doing one less project, but you'll regret not spending an extra hour with your child."
The greatest success of a family lies in raising an excellent, motivated, and grateful child.
Share this article with Dad:
Companionship is not a matter for the mother alone, and the time that the father invests in the child affects the child's life.
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Author: Xiao Tiantian, 1-year-old Xiaotian Association Universe First Support Group, freelance writer. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.