When you pour out everything and raise an enviable "other person's child", do you gradually find that the child is superficially obedient to you and psychologically distant, and does your heart have unspeakable five tastes?
You love him so much and give him everything he wants, why does the child still drift away from you?
There is only one reason, because you miss the best time for your child's psychoeducation.
On December 8, 2021, Jin Boyang, a 9-year-old boy in Shenyang, had an argument with his classmates at school, and then started a fight with his classmates, and the teacher informed his mother to take him home for education.
After returning home, his mother criticized and educated him on his behavior at school, and Jin Boyang did not recognize his mother's criticism and immediately ran away from home.
After the parents found that the child ran away from home, they immediately called the police, all departments participated in the search, and the people of Shencheng almost stayed up all night waiting for the news of the child.
On the morning of December 10, the Hunhe Salvage Team found Jin Boyang in the waters of Fumin Bridge, and there were no vital signs when it was found.
On November 23, 2021, Song Haoran, the son of economist Song Qinghui, was named by the teacher in the class group due to poor test results and untimely completion of homework.
In the early morning, he left home with a school bag and committed suicide by jumping from the top floor 15 minutes later.
His father believes that the school where Song Haoran attended, with frequent examinations and excessive academic pressure, was the main reason for Song Haoran's suicide.
What kind of education allows children to take their lives to an end?
In 2016, Professor Li Meijin and Mr. Sun Yunxiao were invited to participate in the Guangdong International Symposium on Family Education.
On the way back to Beijing, Mr. Sun Yunxiao, who is the chief expert of Family Education in China, said to Professor Li Meijin: "The 'psychological upbringing' you studied is very important, and it is very useful for most families in China. ”
As the vice president of the China Juvenile Delinquency Prevention Research Association and the executive director of the China Family Education Society, Professor Li Meijin.
In the book "Psychological Upbringing", it is said: "People's appetite is fed out, temper is brought out, ideas are nagging out, cruelty is lonely and helpless, and shamelessness is spoiled by all kinds of accommodation." ”
Through more than 30 years of teaching and research, Professor Li Meijin explained in detail in the book "Psychological Parenting", why people's psychological problems are closely related to their early parenting.
Why pay attention to the emotions related to human nature, the personality related to fate, and so on.
Why is it said that people's psychological problems are closely related to early parenting?
As the old saying goes: no rules, no squares.
2-6 years old is known as the key period for the cultivation of children's personality and behavior habits, and more than 80%-90% of children's personalities are formed at this stage.
After the age of 2, we will find that the child is no longer crying because of hunger and urine, but began to cry purposefully.
For example, when a child goes to the mall, sees his favorite toys, and wants them, but the toys at home have been pushed into a mountain, the child will not care about those, so he begins to cry, even roll, and sprinkle to achieve his own purpose.
If you compromise, then in the future you will make endless compromises under his various unreasonable troubles. And children will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals.
If you use tough means to him, such as yelling, or even picking him up and leaving, or giving him two feet, the result is that either he cries even more, or he succumbs to your force, and on the surface obediently follows you, and the heart is indeed wronged and complaining.
Because you are an adult, for children, both height and physical strength are threatening.
But in kindergarten, height, physique are comparable to him, when he sees that other children have the toys he wants to play, he will choose to grab, you do not give, then he will learn from you, yell, and even hit people.
However, if at this time, you discuss with him: "Mom, there is not enough money to buy this toy for you today, there are still a lot of toys at home, we first play those toys in the player, and then, Mom works hard to work overtime, make more money, and when the money is enough, we will buy it again." ”
At the same time, you must come home a few days later than usual and tell him about your hardships.
Such a delayed demand made him understand that it is not to cry to achieve the goal but to learn to wait, and more importantly, to know how to discuss everything.
Why is it said that human nature is awakened by emotions?
As the saying goes: if there is milk, there is a mother.
When a child is first born, there is no choice, that is to say, who can hold it, who can accompany it.
After half a year, you will find that the unfamiliar person hugs him, he starts crying, and when he returns to the arms of the caregiver, he will be quiet again.
When a child "recognizes someone", he recognizes the person who raised him, and the person who trusts him is only the person who raised him. The child begins to develop attachment to the caregiver from the age of half a year and lasts until about the age of 12.
Sometimes, you will find that when you are upset, you will choose to go back to your parents' home, even if you don't say anything, watching your parents busy at home, you will feel at ease.
Or even talking to your parents about homework will calm your mood.
This is how the early stages of caregiver bring you feelings of comfort, security, and happy memories.
On the contrary, if you give your children to the elderly or nannies to raise in order to make money, for promotion.
When the child starts school and you pick it up, you will find that the child is not only not close to you, but more importantly, the child does not trust you.
At this time, when you want to establish a good parent-child relationship, it is already difficult.
When he reaches the age of 12 or so, you will find that even if he has grown up around you for 6 years, you are still very distant, even strangers.
This is because you missed his early years of "recognizing" you and trusting you.
How to guide children, jump out of self-centeredness, and better understand others and themselves?
Now there is a general saying in society: children must praise more, encourage more, praise more, in order to establish self-confidence.
Indeed, many times, people's self-confidence comes from the affirmation of others. But excessive praise and praise are not to build self-confidence for children, but to establish a self-righteous heart for children.
Recently, a friend complained to me that some time ago, the teacher told him that the order of the child's writing was not correct many times, and the child not only did not change, but told the teacher that what he wrote was correct.
When she went home to communicate with her child, the child asked her in turn, "Mom, didn't you say that I was the best?" Am I not doing everything right? ”
Instead of blindly saying to your own children, "Baby, you're awesome!" "Baby, no one can beat you!" "Baby you're the best!" It's called encouragement.
Tell your child clearly what kind of thing you have done, how patient, careful, and well done when you have done it.
In this way, children can understand that when I do other things in the future, I should also be as patient and careful as today.
Occasionally, I also have to pick some small flaws in something and teach him how to face the problems pointed out by others.
Obedience does not represent how methodical your education is, nor does it mean that your education is successful.
How can you raise a child with mental health?
After reading the book "Psychological Parenting", I have a feeling of empowerment, only if adults study well, children can improve every day.
Raising children, it is more important to cultivate the heart!