Diary Author: Circle Friend No. 5
The children's weekend arrangements have always been more tense, Saturday afternoon is Lego class, and then later is basketball class, all of which are required by the children themselves and prefer. Then Sunday is a few people going out outdoors to play all kinds, it has been a few years, the children like it, plus at night, the children in the community friends will play together, so basically empty is Saturday morning.
I have always liked the four-season farming activities of a small courtyard, the Waldorf concept, that is, each family has a piece of land, sowing plants and flowers according to the season, and there is a large yard, children can climb trees, climb, play in the water, go to several times, children like it. I want to turn this into a fixed Saturday morning and let the child learn about the growth of various plant crops.
Consult the child's opinion, the child is willing to go, although the homework was not completed on Friday, we still went on Saturday, the child liked it very much, and a group of children ran around, and lunch was a simple bite to eat. At one point, the time for the lego class in the back is coming, I go to call the child, the child is naturally unwilling to go, all kinds of friction and delay.
I said to the child, I know you have a good time and don't want to leave, but we have something to go behind, we can come to the courtyard every week to play, or we can come early next time. The child still does not go. I began to threaten again, if you are like this, I will not dare to take you to the courtyard to play in the future. The children are still all kinds of friction and do not want to go, I really have no way, only to send a message to their teacher to ask for leave.
I was very angry, thinking that from the child is like this, whether there is an arrangement in the back, it is necessary to play until all the children are gone, so that any activity that requires advance payment I am very worried about what will happen temporarily. Seeing other children, no matter how much fun they have, their parents shouted and immediately followed their parents, and sometimes they were very envious. But I knew that I didn't want to raise obedient children, but this time I thought that children were already in elementary school, and they needed to have a sense of rules, and they couldn't still do whatever they wanted. Later, I thought, don't say children, when adults encounter interest, they often can't control themselves. Slowly the anger also subsided, but still planned to go back to brainstorm with the child how to have fun in the small courtyard without falling behind the interest class, in addition, the child did not go to class at will, but also have certain punitive measures.
Slowly it was four o'clock, and the children in the small courtyard were almost finished, and they were ready to go to basketball class. I went to teach the child again, and the child was still rubbing. Then, I was completely enraged, threw away the small fruit he was playing with in his hand, turned around and left, the child estimated that I was really angry, estimated that I was almost playing, and also followed, and then all kinds of flattery. I was first cold and violent, completely ignoring him, and then I didn't hold back, or I got angry, threatened to cancel his weekly pocket money, saying that you don't keep your word, your mother can not keep your word, the child panicked, but I still ignored him.
On Sunday morning, the child woke up, and I calmly discussed with him how to have fun in the courtyard without falling behind. The child asked me, I said three plans, one is to leave early, so that you can play more, the second is to adjust the Lego class to nine o'clock in the morning, after class to go to the small courtyard, so that you can play until four o'clock and then go to basketball class, the third is if a week of Sunday activities are not interested, you can temporarily transfer the Lego class and basketball class to Sunday, and then Saturday in the small courtyard to play for a day, I asked the child's idea, the child said to think, I said that we will discuss it on Wednesday.
In addition, I said that if you cancel the arrangements arbitrarily, there will be a certain penalty. I said that the last time I arranged a trip, because the unit temporarily canceled, the travel agency deducted a large amount of liquidated damages. Later, if a similar situation results in late arrival, one week's pocket money is deducted; if there is absenteeism, two weeks of pocket money is deducted. The child immediately said anxiously that he had not said it before, so this time it could not be deducted. I said, OK, I'll contact your teacher to see if I can make it up today, and if I do, this time I'll forget it. But then we will have to follow the rules. I later told him the story of grandpa, grandpa eats sugar is particularly strong, dad persuaded, but grandpa can't control it, the result is diabetes, now don't say you can't eat sugar, even fruit can't eat. I tell my child that you are now growing up and need to be aware that there are not only things you like to do in the world, but also things that you should do. The child probably felt that as long as there was no pocket money deducted this time, he was very happy to agree to the plan.
Looking back at the whole incident, it is still emotional out of control, cold violence, threats and reasoning, so continue practicing. The question I want to ask is: Is this artificial external punishment good, does it reduce the child's inner consciousness and interest in interest classes? Thank you.
【My Feedback】
Obviously, the tactics you often use: negotiation, compromise, coercion, reasoning, brainstorming solutions, but they don't solve the problems between you and your child.
Allow me to express my opinion bluntly: I think that a large part of the reason why children often encounter trouble, run away from the battle, ignore the agreement, and disregard the play of the later lessons is due to your attitude towards the child, joking that "you induce the child to do this".
You clearly recorded in your diary that whenever you encounter similar things, your handling methods: reasoning, coercion and inducement, compromise with the child after ineffectiveness, and finally can't bear to get mad, blame yourself afterwards, and discuss the plan with the child.
The reason why you "handle a simple thing with mud and water, nagging." The core reason is your "ambivalence" in educating your children.
This kind of ambivalence allows children to take advantage of the opportunity and gives children loopholes to drill.
If I encounter this kind of thing you said, it is very simple, since I said in advance that there will be classes in the afternoon, then the time is time to talk nonsense less and go directly, if the child does not go, then I will say to him "Then I am gone, you play!" "After saying this, I will go immediately." I don't think it's negotiable, it's the minimum respect for the agreement, it's the minimum respect for each other's time, it's the minimum respect for that course.
Freedom is not about doing whatever you want without restriction, it is about fulfilling a series of agreements between yourself and the world autonomously and proactively.
I think what you need to do most is to sort out the contradictions in your heart, to distinguish the specious ideas in your heart, and when you are no longer contradictory, your attitude towards your children will no longer be ambiguous, but become firm and decisive, so that the children will have no room to drill.