Narcissistic people project emotions onto others without the ability to experience their own inner feelings

When I asked my clients, "Will your mother go through therapy with you and discuss the problems between mother and daughter?" Most people laugh and even scoff. The more narcissistic your mom is, the less likely she is to be theraped with you and to solve your emotional problems together.

It is difficult, sometimes completely impossible, for a narcissistic person to experience her own emotions. She usually projects her emotions onto others without the ability to experience her own inner feelings.

Remember: You can't heal a wound you can't feel, so narcissistic mothers often distance themselves from their inner emotional lives.

If your mom never faced her emotions or never had any emotional problems, getting therapy was a waste of time. When the problem involves them doing something wrong, or causing harm to their daughters, many people drop out of treatment.

It is common for narcissistic mothers to blame their daughters in front of the therapist during treatment.

This can put you in a terrible dilemma – you want to have a healthy relationship with your mother and continue the treatment, but your mother is reluctant to admit whose help she needs.

Roshan, 30, told me, "I can't get my mom to go to treatment with me. But I'll talk to her about it while I'm in therapy. There was nothing she could do to save her! She didn't admit anything. I just wanted to hear her say sorry, but she would only cry and say how she had raised such a terrible daughter. She said she was a victim and said I had no sympathy. I would never ask her if she could come with me for treatment anymore. ”

Monica's mother also tries to go to therapy with her, but finally criticizes the treatment process, accuses Monica, and is very worried about her mother's image. "It's a mistake to go to therapy with mom! She'll go, but will mess things up. She became very wary, it became a routine, and she didn't listen to anything I said, because she cared too much about herself, about her image in front of the therapist. ”

Many times, moms with fewer narcissistic traits tend to be able to learn and grow. When encountering such a mother, it is possible for mother and daughter to work together to recover in and out of treatment. Most daughters instinctively know if their mom is this type, and they judge it based on past experiences when they want to discuss emotional and communication issues with their mom. Some mothers will have a clear understanding of themselves and make up their minds to solve problems with their daughters, although it is not easy for them.

My 62-year-old client, Gerda, admitted that she had some narcissistic traits and that her mother also had severe narcissistic personality disorder. She was very bitter in her relationship with her late mother, who was quite emotionally tough.

Gerda was able to be aware of the negative effects this had on her life and her own parenting style. She genuinely wanted to work out the problem with her three daughters. Unfortunately, the daughters were too hurt to try again, and they had no hope for Gerda and didn't believe she could make a change, so they hadn't started mother-daughter therapy yet.

I still had hope that maybe one day I could meet them together. Sometimes, a daughter must first complete her own treatment in order to prepare herself for the treatment of her mother, as well as the conditions required for mother-daughter treatment. The daughters are young and have work to do, but they are all amiable people, and I think things are promising in the long run.

Time is an important consideration when deciding whether to do treatment with your mother. If the timing isn't right, it's better to wait until everyone is ready to start. Gerda was willing to take a back seat, complete his own therapy, and solve some intergenerational problems with his daughter. It was very rare, so I kept telling her that she was doing a great job and I was proud of her.

If you have already started mother-daughter therapy, and your mother is domineering, emotionally numb, and blames you for everything, I suggest you interrupt the treatment, talk to the therapist alone, and ask if it is useful to continue treatment with your mother.

During this treatment, the therapist should be your ally and help you. Your treatment shouldn't perpetuate the abuse and accusations your mom has already made against you.

If you feel strongly that you don't want to be treated with your mother anymore and your therapist doesn't agree, you need to take the time to think about your decision. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts when timing is right.

(McBride's "The Bondage of Motherhood" Reading Notes)