Reporter | Shen Chan
According to iResearch data, since 2020, short videos have become one of the core channels for young parents to obtain information. Searching on the Internet, you can also find many mothers and babies to do live streaming with goods experience sharing, rice cake mother from the public account to write parenting articles to get involved in the field of e-commerce, is one of the typical representatives. At her "Your Life Shouldn't Give In for Pregnancy" book sharing session, many fans who came to the scene tried to seek the best answer to a parenting problem. We also talked to her about how she saw the role of mother.
Along with the rice cake mother, there are also former full-time mothers who have successfully transformed into screenwriters, Tiger Skin Mama, and the founder of the women's health self-media "Tenth Clinic" on the sixth floor. All moms experience tension from pregnancy to childbirth to parenting, but why do some people cope easily and others struggle in the whirlpool? We've put together a few questions to try to answer.
At the new book sharing meeting of Mochi Mom, Mom Mochi (left), Tiger Skin Mom (middle), and six floors (right) were talking to each other.
If having a child is like a great enemy, how can there be so many taboos during pregnancy?
Mommy Rice Cake said that when she was pregnant for the first time, she was killed by the ears of the family, this can't be done, that can't be done, it's like a big enemy. But when she became pregnant for the second time, she abandoned the "nobility" of pregnant women and insisted on fitness, travel, and work. She believes that too many traditional ideas are trying to distinguish the female herself from the motherhood, and it seems that from the day of becoming a mother, it is necessary to completely let go of the self and prepare for the baby physically. And these have led many girls to be afraid of having children.
"Your Life Shouldn't Give Way to Pregnancy," by Mom Rice Cake, MoTie | Beijing United Publishing Company, January 2021.
On the sixth floor, an obstetrician-gynecologist, said that pregnant mothers generally come to the doctor for consultation on two issues: the health of the child and their own health. Most pregnant mothers are actually more concerned about the problem of the child, and their own problems are always in second place. Because you pay attention to your child, you will ignore yourself and make yourself seem to be getting worse and worse. His advice was to be comfortable and not to limit yourself to too many rules.
Tiger Skin Mother believes that everyone's time is too tight, and what time to do seems to have been planned long ago, which requires us to be very efficient at each stage and do everything that should be done at this stage. In this case, the fault tolerance rate of life becomes very low, and everyone's attitude towards life is to hope to ensure its "certainty" as much as possible, and it is hoped that the child will be very smart after being born smoothly, and then smoothly enter Tsinghua Peking University, and the annual salary will be millions as soon as it graduates. This kind of "one-stop" once which link in the middle is not going well, anxiety occurs. Even if it doesn't go well, worrying that it won't go well can lead to anxiety.
Is the mother carrying too much responsibility?
Many mothers are cautious in raising their children because of their overly strong sense of responsibility. I always feel that when the child is in the belly, it is responsible for his health, and after the child is born, it is the responsibility to give him the best education, if the child's academic performance is not good, it must also be their own responsibility. If the child's mental health is not healthy, it is his own responsibility.
Tiger skin mother believes that as an only child to grow up in the generation, from childhood to adulthood to accept all the love of their parents, to their own parents also want to give their children all the love, if the child has a little situation, it will feel that they are not good enough. She said that after giving birth to two children, she knew that the personalities of the two children were completely different, and this difference was not entirely caused by the way of education. In fact, there is no need to want to be a perfect mother, just like we will blame our parents, our children are likely to blame us in the future, accept this imperfection, and naturally will not take the role of parents too seriously.
Footage of McDougall and My Mom (2014).
Is the father's place in homeschooling indispensable?
After the term "widowed parenting" became popular, the role of fathers in parenting began to be discussed by more people. After the rice cake mother became busier and busier after doing e-commerce, the child's father also participated in bringing the child. She said that when she was alone with the child, things could collapse as soon as she was involved, but after her father got involved and took over the part of sleeping at night, it was much easier in an instant. Mothers often fall into a vicious circle of tantrums and then guilt, and then the next time they lose their temper with their children, not because moms have bad tempers, but because moms are too tired. The participation of the father will reduce the fatigue of the mother, and in the process of participating in the parenting process, there will be more communication, and the direction of parenting will gradually be agreed.
The sixth floor reviewed his relationship with his father, saying that he grew up in a traditional family of typical "male and female", and his father participated very little in the family, and he did not communicate much with his father. As he grew up, he found himself much like his father in the processing and expression of emotions, sometimes a little rough, due to the lack of proper communication before the emotions were exposed. He's also learning how to handle emotions properly, but these are probably things he should have learned when living with his parents.
Stills from "Daddy Daddy" (1993).
Is becoming a mother an obstacle on the path of women's personal growth?
After the successful transformation of The Rice Cake Mother, she has added an "inspirational" label to the topic of parenting. From an ordinary clerk who decides to quit his job and go home with a baby to a company that manages more than 300 people, there are more things to deal with, and life is no longer just about childcare. Pushed forward by work, the bigger world is in front of you. Not being anxious is not to force yourself not to be anxious, but to divide the definition of value into self-growth.
Tiger skin mother said that in fact, whether you are a mother or not, people will experience illness and aging, and they will have to face difficulties in the workplace and life, but becoming a mother will make the difficulties more obvious, but after becoming a mother, it will bring special insights to themselves. For example, when I was in school, I thought about playing all day, and I thought that that was freedom. But after becoming a mother, bound by the shackles of responsibility, I realized how difficult it is to have the time and opportunity to study, and I will try to think about what kind of life I want to live. Tiger Pi's mom, who earned her J.D. while working as a full-time mom, said those three years of study were based entirely on strong personal motivation and more than what she had learned in the past decade.
Stills from Mama (1990).
Parents of young children, where is their anxiety and confusion?
The rice cake mother public account has a large number of fans, and it can be said that she has a considerable sample of the parents of Chinese children aged 0 to 6. In the past few years, they have asked Mom Rice Cake for help with many questions. Mochi Mom summed up these problems in three aspects: parenting, personal growth, and marriage and family. These problems are in the early stages of parenting, the arrival of children has changed the original rhythm of life of the family, breaking the balance of resources, novice parents in the establishment of a new family structure at the same time, have to learn parenting knowledge, and readjust their life direction, which must produce tears.
Rice cake mother said that in the feeding of children, mothers will be based on the comparison with the children around them, and feel anxious about the superficial backwardness of their children, such as: other people's children can talk, my family's how can not; other people's children will leave, my family will not. In terms of personal growth, the exemplary power brought about by the success of rice cake mothers will also make some mothers want to talk about their eagerness to change the status quo. In terms of marriage and family, it is more to express dissatisfaction with family affairs and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Mom Rice Cake believes that many of the problems here reflect the negative effects of refined feeding and parenting "armament races" on families. The over-interpretation of some news has also led to the demonization of intergenerational parenting, and young mothers feel that the elderly are not good with their children and must be fully involved. But more involvement is definitely more tired, so it becomes more anxious.
In addition, society's requirements for women are increasing, and women themselves have more choices and are also raising their requirements for themselves, which will invisibly aggravate women's worries about themselves and the future of their children. But actually a lot of the "goodness of others" that we see on social media isn't real.
Mom Mochi said that it is not because she is now successful in her career that there are no worries. When I heard that other mothers read to their children every day, they would also be anxious for a moment, thinking how they couldn't do it. But she was soon able to calm down. In her own words, this is because she has the ability to summarize her own life, and she will not be deviated by the "comparison".
The author | Shen Chan
Edited | Luodong
Proofreading | dangerous