If you recall a little, in those descriptions of the delivery room and childbirth, in addition to the pain of the woman as a wife, the husband who is waiting by is mostly excited. Of course, he may also hug and thank his wife for all that he has endured for this, and then turn to look at the child, revealing a joyful emotion.
"Despicable Me" (2010) screen.
However, this is not the reaction of all "daddies". When a person listens to the crying of tearing his heart and lungs, witnesses the cracking and bleeding, and suddenly realizes the pain of female fertility, in the moment of fatherhood, it may not be joyful.
A "grandpa" named Mark Williams was depressed for a long time.
"I feel in my heart that life will never get better, and that the good life is far away from us." After becoming a novice father, he fell into a trough he had never had in his life, "I hate my life, helpless, useless, useless. "He didn't have the intimacy and closeness he had imagined to his baby. A picture of the day kept popping up in his mind: his wife, after almost a full day of childbirth, was pushed into the delivery room very weakly, and the doctor cut her belly with surgical tools. No one had told Mark before that the birth of the child he was going to witness was so brutal.
Mark's depression was only gradually cured after professional psychotherapy. He then launched the International Day for Mental Health of Fathers and The Help of Dads, which aim to raise awareness of fathers' postpartum depression and emphasize that all parents need more access to resources and useful information.
Beijing News reporter He An'an
01
After the baby is born,
"I don't feel anything for him at all"
It all started on December 1, 2004 at 2:16 p.m.
After a 20-hour delivery and 30-minute surgery, a beautiful boy, Ethan, was born.
There was no imaginary intimacy and closeness to the baby, "the whole body ached", "the hairs on the back of the neck were upside down", this was all Mark felt when he heard the baby's first cry. For a long time after learning that his wife was pregnant, Mark was looking forward to being able to hold his and his wife Michelle's baby. But when Ethan was really in Mark's arms, he "had no feelings for him at all."
Mark can't forget that his wife was pushed into the delivery room very weakly after almost a full day of childbirth, and the doctor cut her belly with surgical tools. The fear of his whole body made Mark gasp for breath, break out in a cold sweat, and his heart beat so hard that only one thought remained: "My wife and baby are going to die." ”
Picture of "Boy Daddy" (2014).
No one had told Mark before that the birth of the child he was going to witness was so brutal. In his fantasies, he would cut the umbilical cord of his child by hand, hold her hand while his wife was giving birth, and they would usher in happiness together, step out of the hospital gates to welcome a bright new life, and their babies would be covered with quilts and safely lying in the stroller. But none of this happened.
For a long time, Mark kept playing back that image in his mind: his wife was cut off her belly, Ethan was taken out of her body, "It's terrible, there's blood everywhere." "In the future, he would learn that it was a traumatic experience in the delivery room, but at the time, he didn't know anything about it." The idea of going into the delivery room to re-experience the birth is something I dare not have, and I am still very resistant. "I waited a long time for the day the baby was born, but when that day came, I was disgusted." ”
"I don't know how to be a good dad, or a good husband. I don't know how to be happy anymore. In the book "Daddy's Anti-Depression", Mark describes his feelings: "I saw others laughing, playing, and full of hatred in their hearts. I hate them. We are still suffering from all kinds of suffering, how can they still have so much fun? ”
Stills from "Perfect World" (1993).
After having children, his wife Michelle and Mark suffered from postpartum depression one after another, "I cried a lot at that time, and it didn't make me feel ashamed to say this fact, and the sadness in my heart needed to be vented." It felt like I was mourning what had been lost, mourning the happiness we thought we were about to have. ”
The small family suffering from depression is overshadowed, "In the eyes of others we have no problem at all." What they saw was a happy couple with a baby, and the side we removed from disguise was unknown. Mark recalls everything at the time, "We gradually became disconnected from reality. I don't want to do anything, I don't care about anything, I just want to escape. "It gets worse every day — mentally, physically, and financially." I wanted to move on, but there was nowhere to go. ”
"Michelle is such a loving person and willing to give, but at this moment, I feel that Michelle like this is gone forever. I'm afraid I'll never get back my wife, my best friend in the world. I couldn't find anyone to help. In Mark's eyes, Michelle, who was once strong and confident, "disappeared" and was replaced by confusion, collapse, paranoia, and silence. Couples who once thought they could solve difficulties together began to become separate and isolated from each other.
Every day is dirty diapers and getting up in the middle of the night to feed, home is no longer like a home, no longer an open place. Mark knows that some women who suffer from postpartum depression spend their entire lives in gloom and have nowhere to go. For Mark and Michelle, their lives are in a difficult and stagnant state, "To this day, when I see the empty eyes of people who experience postpartum depression, I think of the purgatory on earth that Michelle endured." ”
An unprecedented sense of pressure and urgency struck Mark, who couldn't control himself from drinking because alcohol could briefly help him forget his pain. But waking up with a hangover every day and facing the baby's crying, the reality in front of him made him feel even worse. He began to burn out. The terrible illness took away Mark and Michelle from their normal state of life.
"It's so bad, it's dark, I can't stop it." Depressed, Mark felt how his wife felt, "Sometimes I think I'm okay, sometimes I don't. I felt trapped and didn't want to go anywhere. "Mark shows a completely different side, the little things that make him emotional, he always wants to be alone, everything becomes gray.
Fortunately, Mark and Michelle are not really alone. Faced with the torment of the disease, the two never gave up and eventually received professional treatment. After experiencing the pain, Mark realized that men were not alone in suffering from postpartum depression. If you can know the right knowledge and get effective help at the beginning, everything will be different.
To help more fathers who have similar experiences to himself, Mark created Dad's Help, a group that helps fathers with postpartum depression. He also wrote his own experience into a book called "Daddy Anti-Depression", gave a TEDX talk on the importance of his father's mental health, and wrote books related to his supervisor Dr. Jane Hanley. In an interview with a reporter from the Beijing News, Mark said: "We need to support all new parents, not just fathers - early prevention can save lives, save their relationships, and likewise, save society." ”
"Daddy's Anti-Depression", by Mark Williams, translated by Ding Jiyun, China Science and Technology Press, December 2020.
—In Conversation with Mark Williams —
02
The first year of becoming a father,
Never felt so lonely
Beijing News: On the afternoon of December 1, 2004, after almost a full day of childbirth, your wife gave birth to Ethan. But what happened next was not what you had originally imagined, as you said: you waited for a long time for the day the baby was born, but when that day came, you were disgusted. At the same time, with the arrival of the child, you feel that the wife you were familiar with is "disappearing", and after the wife suffered from postpartum depression, you fell into the same trouble. What happened at the time?
Mark Williams: Strictly speaking, I've never been diagnosed with postpartum depression, but I've had suicidal thoughts. In my first year as a father, I never felt so lonely and my personality changed completely. I started drinking, and I didn't want to show weakness, so I kept numbing myself with alcohol.
The reason I've never been diagnosed (postpartum depression) is that I've never been asked by a doctor about my mental health and don't want to tell anyone I'm struggling. Like moms, some dads have a history of anxiety, trauma, or depression after becoming new dads. Lack of sleep, worries about money, and the inability to bond with their babies can make them feel guilty and feel like they're not good enough.
Beijing News: Can you describe the state at that time? How did you realize you were suffering from postpartum depression and how did you get through this long process of worry and fear?
Mark Williams: At the time I didn't know anything about mental health, all I did know was that witnessing a painful birth and thinking that your wife and children might die in front of you was a trauma for me.
I explained this state to my friends and wouldn't have been so depressed after she gave birth without being pregnant or having children. It wasn't until 2012, after I got back to work, that doctors working in this area said I might be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder or postpartum depression. Caring for Michelle, who suffered from postpartum depression, had a big impact on me, so I couldn't work, and that raised more financial concerns. We were fortunate that there were a lot of families whose support helped Ethan, and it would all have become difficult without the support of other families.
Stills from "Daddy Daddy" (1993).
03
Why not raise awareness through a festival?
Beijing News: In recent years, male postpartum depression has also received more attention, but there are still many people who will have similar questions: "Do fathers also suffer from postpartum depression?" They didn't have children. ”
Mark Williams: When you think about the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression in moms, you can understand what dads can't experience — they tend to suppress their emotions as fathers, but that emotion manifests itself in their personality changes: situation avoidance, overwork, substance abuse, and feelings of anger, which are some of these symptoms. Similar situations occur after the wife becomes pregnant, or in the first few years of their fatherhood and later in family life. Some reports from the UK show that as many as 39% of new dads want support in terms of mental health.
Beijing News: After 2011, your life may have undergone many changes. When you realized that male postpartum depression is not unique, you created the "Dad's Hand" organization to help those fathers who suffer from postpartum depression. Why did you think of starting such an organization to help more people?
Mark Williams: When something really bad happens in our life, I want to get some positive strength. After getting help from people and starting to get out of this predicament, I founded an organization called Daddy's Helper. A few weeks later, the media published a story about my experience, and since then, I've been speaking on television, radio, and conferences around the world about the importance of asking dads if they have mental health issues.
I am grateful for the stories I have heard from parents who have had the same experience, and their efforts have inspired us to launch a series of campaigns advocating for changes in policies – support policies for new parents, including all new parents, whether dads or moms, which will lead to better outcomes for the development of the whole family and children.
Beijing News: You also initiated the International Father's Mental Health Day?
Mark Williams: One day in 2016, I saw Happy Wine Day. I thought, "Why not raise awareness through a festival where I should let more people know that dads and moms are just as likely to suffer mental health issues during this time [after a newborn joins the family]?" ”
I am now proud that the International Day of Mental Health of The Fathers is listed as an official holiday alongside World Mental Health Day. Had it not been for the combined efforts of doctors working around the world, this day would not have been as much valued as it is now. Anyone can share their story by attending an event or helping more dads understand the issues they may face during this wonderful time as a new parent, and everyone can get involved.
Mark Williams in a speech.
04
We need to connect fathers and babies
Beijing News: Why do you want to write your own story? Did the creation and publication of this book have had some impact or change on your life?
Mark Williams: I want to write myself a story because other fathers would think that the efforts and struggles of a father are perfectly normal. After going through the life stage of becoming a new father, I hope that more people can pay attention to the mental health of fathers.
This book helped me tremendously because I wrote about those feelings – when I became a new father, I very much wanted to read a book like this. This book can help many parents through this new phase of their lives, and at the same time, we need to have a conversation like this, asking a father, "Daddy, are you okay?" ”
Beijing News: In the past two or three decades, men's identity in the family has undergone many changes, taking on more family obligations than in the past, such as directly participating in child-rearing activities. Studies have suggested that fathers' involvement in raising children has a positive impact on the mental health of fathers, and that factors associated with paternal depression can be addressed by improving parenting skills, improving or improving the way fathers spend time with their children, and enabling fathers to provide material support to their children. What do you think about that?
Mark Williams: Being a father was the best experience of my life for me. But we need to tell more dads that skin-to-skin contact is just as important for babies and dads, as it prompts babies to release oxytocin (the core mechanism of biological behavior in the care and assistance approach lies in the regulation of oxytocin, endorphins, and sex hormones). We need to connect fathers and babies. Knowing the knowledge while going through the parental transition will give dads more confidence – which will obviously lead to better outcomes.
Chemical structure diagram of oxytocin.
Fatherhood has changed in recent years and the pressure to be a parent is greater than ever, thanks to the rise of social media. As a parent, I'm still making mistakes, but that's okay because without perfect parents, all we can do is be the best we can be without stress. If a father's mental health is affected, he is less likely to read, sing, or play with his child, which can have many effects on his child's growth and development.
We've found that more and more research on paternity and mental health is ongoing, which is certainly good. Of course, we still need to provide services and support to fathers who are struggling.
05
Support all new parents, not just fathers
Beijing News: At present, in the UK, what kind of attitude do people generally have towards postpartum depression (especially male postpartum depression)?
Mark Williams: As far as I know, all new fathers are now screened for mental health in Australia, while in the UK, fathers are currently only supported if there is a new mother involved in the service.
In my experience, not all families are plagued by postpartum depression with parents, and sometimes only the father suffers, and if there is no corresponding support at this time, it will also affect the mental health of the newborn mother, which may lead to many problems that could have been solved or alleviated, and (when they have not yet been solved) are sadly terminated.
In my welsh region, we are working on a mental health support approach that works for the whole family: we will ask all new parents if they need counselling or support. I feel that in recent years, more and more countries have begun to realize the importance of maintaining the mental health of their fathers, and in the coming years, there may be a lot of improvement around the world. We need the World Health Organization to provide information on its website and to take this issue of global attention more seriously.
Beijing News: Some research data show that the proportion of married men who suffer from postpartum depression after the birth of their children is about 10%. This percentage does not seem to be much lower than that of women. For society, how can we better support fathers (mothers) – especially those who are new to the family?
Mark Williams: In fact, among new fathers, the rate of anxiety is even higher than depression. Anxiety can also lead to depression and even suicide. The data we have show that during the perinatal period, the risk of father suicide is 47% higher than at other times. After going through this stage, many people will fall to the bottom like me and even be diagnosed with depression. If you need to care for a partner with postpartum depression, the rate of postpartum depression yourself can be as high as 50%, which is why we need to support all new parents, not just fathers – early prevention can save lives, save their relationships, and, likewise, save society.
Beijing News: How are you and your family now, and what are you busy with?
Mark Williams: My son Ethan wants to be a nurse himself, and Michelle is managing a volunteer team for a charity called Mental Health Matters Wales. I'm working full-time, doing the educational and consulting work I love for some organizations. Over the past 10 years, I've been eager to give more lectures in this area and share what I know with more people. I very much hope that the World Health Organization can do more work on the mental health of fathers.
The author | He An'an
Edited | Sissi; Walk Around;
Proofreading | Liu Jun
Source: Beijing News