Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
After having a second child, many parents have worked hard to balance their love for their two children.
But only after personally raising the second child can I understand that a bowl of water is flat, which is the biggest lie of the second child family.
Two-child family problem one:
Parents are eccentric and unaware
A few days ago, I saw a video of a second-born mother, although she said that she also loved two children, but in actual life, she was still unconsciously "eccentric".
In the video, the mother gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning to feed her little daughter, and after coaxing the little daughter to sleep, she gets up to wash, clean up, and make breakfast.
In the process of cleaning the room, Dabao told his mother that his sister was stinking, and her mother immediately put down the work in her hands and gently took care of her sister.
The sister is in the stage of learning the language, although she did not say a complete sentence, but as long as the sister makes a sound, the mother will respond to her.
At breakfast, my mother and sister sat on the side to facilitate the care of my sister's meal. Dabao sat alone on the other side and ate independently.
As the mother herself said, she gave more attention and patience to XiaoBao.
During breakfast, Dad amused Dabao and asked her for bread to eat. Dabao ignored his father and ate the cake silently.
Dad didn't want the cake, so he casually said, "I don't love your dad at all."
Dabao continued, "I didn't give it to my mother either."
It was originally a very ordinary conversation, but just after Dabao said this, her mother suddenly asked her angrily:
"What do you think we should do to love you?" You name it! We don't know how to do it until you say it! ”
Dabao began to whisper to his mother, but his mother did not look at Dabao, but tilted her body towards her sister's side and ate.
It wasn't until Dabao mentioned the three words "tie his hair" that his mother suddenly turned to look at Dabao and shouted at her:
"Is there a problem with me letting you tie your hair and eat your hair into your mouth?" Do you have a problem with tying your hair and eating? Is there a problem?! ”
After Dabao shook his head, his mother still accused her of not being spared:
"Say something every day that you don't love you and don't love you, how can you be called loving you?!"
"If you don't love you can grow so big, if you don't love you, you'll be strangled to death long ago!"
To be honest, when I heard the phrase "I didn't love you, I would have strangled you long ago", I took a breath of cool air.
Such words are too cruel for a child of a few years old.
Perhaps the negative emotions have been suppressed for too long, after saying these words, the mother did not stop the accusation of Dabao, and even accused Dabao of "white-eyed wolf" in her words:
"The good food at home is left to you alone, the clothes you have the most in the family, you want almost to meet your all bought for you, full to take you to play, this is still called not loving you?" 」
"Do you think you ever loved us?" What do you eat like you have alone, have you ever taken the initiative to give it to your parents and grandparents? ”
Under the verbal attack of his mother's cannon, Dabao bowed his head and remained silent.
Dad was also silent, just staring at Dabao.
Children are the most sensitive and know how to love, and Dabao will not feel that her parents do not love her for no reason.
Although the mother should not reprimand the child at the dinner table, she is also very painful.
She did not understand why she met all the material needs of Dabao and loved two children equally, and Dabao still had to complain.
In the two-child family, where the age difference between the two children is more than 3 years old, almost all of them will have the situation of "parents being eccentric and not knowing it": taking care of Xiaobao everywhere and ignoring the psychological needs of Dabao.
Even if the parents love the two children in their hearts, or even make up for the treasure materially, it will still make the treasure feel snubbed.
Two-child family problem two:
Parents are kind enough to do bad things
As long as the child does not feel it, the parents' fair love is also eccentric in their eyes.
I read a question about the balanced love of a two-child family on Zhihu, and one of the answers touched me very much:
"What you think is fair, what you feel in your child is unfair", I have seen this situation with my own eyes.
Girlfriend Xiaorong is a second-child mother, Dabao is a girl, Erbao is a boy, and the two children are 7 years apart.
In order to protect Dabao, from the moment she was pregnant with her second child, Xiao Rong kept learning the knowledge of second child parenting, and did not want Dabao's heart to be unbalanced after the birth of the second child.
Every time I visit Xiao Rong's house, I can also see that her attitude towards her two children is exactly the same.
Erbao's toys and snacks, even if it is no longer suitable for Dabao's age, Xiao Rong will still buy the exact same one for Dabao.
But Dabao was not happy because of this, and his personality was much more stuffy than before, and he even had a tendency to depression.
Image source: Visual China
I was very confused after hearing it, Xiao Rong sighed and explained to me that in dabao's eyes, my mother took her brother as the standard, and all the food and play was because her brother had it, and she only had it.
Although Xiao rong usually plays with Dabao at home, after having a younger brother, Xiaorong only took Dabao to her favorite amusement park once.
Hearing this, I suddenly realized.
The reason why children feel that their parents are biased is not because their parents do not pay attention to themselves, but because they do not get the attention they want.
Therefore, when the parents of the second child struggle to get a bowl of water to be flat, but still let the child feel unfair, the problem is not that the parents "love not enough", but that love is in the wrong direction.
Parents of a two-child family
How do you balance good love?
"Fairness in the eyes of adults is not the love that children want in their hearts", the problem is found, and the solution is there.
We always say that "love should be fair", but in fact, everyone understands in their hearts that there is no absolute fairness in the world.
Instead of blindly pursuing the "fairness" of everything, it is better to be appropriately "eccentric".
After Dabao expressed his mother's eccentricity, his girlfriend Xiaorong began to reflect.
Through continuous exploration and practice, she found the most suitable parenting method for two-child families - teaching according to aptitude + unified principle.
The "teaching according to aptitude" here mainly refers to the differential treatment of two children.
Every child's preferences are different, and we must work harder on what the child likes and needs. Material and spiritual companionship must be given.
I have seen a short section of Xie Nan's parenting view before, which is very similar to this:
Shortly after Xie Nan gave birth to her second child, one day Wu So-called (eldest son) asked Xie Nan to accompany him to read books and stories. After reading the book for a while, Wu Lao'er (the younger son) woke up and cried.
Hearing Wu Lao'er's crying, although Xie Nan had a memory in his heart, he did not immediately put down the book to appease, but let the nanny take care of him and continue to accompany Wu to read the story.
Because it was Wu who asked his mother to accompany him to study, he was very concerned about this matter. If Xie Nan left him to take care of Wu Lao'er at this time, Wu Would definitely feel that his mother loved his brother more.
After telling the story, Xie Nan discussed with Wu So-called: If there is such a situation in the future, can the mother first take care of her brother?
Xie Nan's practice made Wu so-called see: the existence of his brother will not take away his mother's love for himself.
So he readily agreed to his mother's request.
Although most ordinary families do not have a nanny, we can flexibly adjust our countermeasures:
Give every child full love and companionship to the things they need and care about most.
Fully meet the child's greatest psychological needs, so that they will not be insecure.
Dabao likes to read and dress up, so he buys them more books and clothes, reads stories with them, and praises them for looking good.
Erbao likes food and play, so he buys them more delicious food and toys, accompanies them to enjoy food, and takes them to the amusement park to play.
It doesn't matter if your love is fair or not, what matters is that your love is felt by all the children.
At the same time, the two children must be treated fairly and realistically on the issue of principle.
In a certain variety show, Ran Yingying's two sons fought every three to five years, and after she couldn't bear it, Ran Yingying decided to punish the two children.
In the process of punishing the "little black house", Ran Yingying focused on "no fighting", so around this point, asked the two brothers to apologize to each other and promised not to fight again.
The eldest son, Xuan Xuan, was a little older and quickly promised his mother not to fight.
And the youngest son Hao hao is very young, sometimes the words are unfavorable, seeing his mother so fierce, he was scared to cry all the time.
But Ran Yingying did not give up on this, but always asked Haohao to say that she would no longer fight.
It wasn't until he and his brother agreed with each other and said that they would no longer fight, that Ran Yingying gave up.
Only by dealing with the issue of principle fairly and justly can the two children get along more lovingly.
In principle, not being eccentric and bringing each child the love and companionship they need most is the key to maintaining a good second-child relationship.
Master these two points, and many problems in the second-child family can also be solved.
The two children in a two-child family are always at opposite ends of the scale.
Parental love is the lever that holds up the scales, and companionship and care are weights.
Since the natural weights of the two children are different, blindly adding the same weight to both ends of the balance will only tilt the balance more severely.
Balance can only be maintained if you flexibly adjust the weights on both sides and give them the weight they need most.
The "bowl of water" of the second-child family is not equivalent to the distribution of materials and companionship, but to let each child have the love they need most.
Light up "Watching" and may every child grow up in love.