Tell the truth.
If a man really loves you, he won't use cold violence against you.
Here we should mention a point of knowledge – love is fluid. He especially loved you when he was first together, does not mean that he can always love you, people will change. From love to not enough love, there are many factors involved, not only whether there is a sense of freshness, if you want to understand specifically, you can look at my previous articles, here I do not say much, only about cold violence.
When he loves you enough, his first reaction when he encounters something must be the fear of losing you and the willingness to compromise. And he dares to be cold and violent to you, which means that the balance of value between you is already tilting towards him. The more frequent cold violence appears, the more superior he has in front of you, the less he cares about your feelings, and the less afraid he is of losing you.
He is more "confident" than you, and the source of "confidence" is not necessarily having a spare tire or having a better choice, in layman's terms, often because he has little to lose without you - he invests very little in you, and you can provide him with very little value. After breaking up with you, he can quickly adjust back to normal, but you can't, you need a slow process to get used to. He knows very well that you can't do without him, not that he can't do without you.
When he loves you, his underlying logic is: you are particularly good, I want to give you the best, I don't want you to suffer a little grievance, if you can tolerate accommodation, you try to accommodate, afraid that you think I am not good, I want to work harder to let us have a better future.
When he is cold and violent, his underlying logic is: the real me is like this, you are willing to accept it, and break up if you can't accept it. To maintain our relationship, don't force me to change. You should adjust yourself, I'm not going to change for anyone.
It may seem as if you are not forced to change, giving you the freedom to choose, in fact, as long as you love him, you can only be forced to accept his series of unequal "truths" and accept his "principles". At the same time, cold violence itself satisfies his psychological needs, and his emotions have been met from them. That said, it's a bit of a feeling of being a torii arch.
Therefore, if you have not started much, he will not hesitate to answer to you, encounter things coldly, the probability is that your value is not equal at the beginning, he did not look at you, just reluctantly with you will be. This kind of cold violence I recommend not to face, just break up. Even if you want to get the other person, the focus should be on how to enhance your own value and tap his deep needs, rather than communicating with the other party.
Next, I want to talk specifically about the cold violence caused by different reasons when he first loved you, and how to face the cold violence.
The first case: the other party has a "cold and violent constitution"
There are usually several reasons for this:
In the early years, the parents were treated coldly and learned cold violence
Narrative disorder, will not express their own ideas
The power struggles of the original family are constant, and when they grow up, they are very concerned about the power in the relationship
Often suppressed, psychologically compensated for by cold violence
These causes range from unintentional cold violence to deliberate cold violence. Unintentional cold violence can make him aware and aware through communication, and cooperate with you to adjust; deliberate cold violence shows that his three views are like this, either to change people or to use real ability to suppress him.
The second case: you have a "cold violent physique"
In this case, the problem is often "provoked" by yourself, the other party in the process of groping for how to solve the problem accidentally found, he took a cold and violent way to deal with, you can let you "stop" as soon as possible, so repeatedly tried.
To put it simply, the other party stands in his own subjective point of view, feels that it is good to reason with you, you do not listen, you have to take a cold and violent way, you are willing to listen to him
For example: you are not very reasonable to put forward your own demands, quarrel when you encounter conflict, and quarrel with no results, just blindly vent your emotions through quarrels, expecting him to be a roundworm in your stomach. He doesn't know how to solve the problem, may not know what is wrong, or knows that he is not right but you have not considered it for him, then every time he can only passively bear your emotions. Even worse, after the argument, you will first start to cold the other party, waiting for the other party to bow down and admit your mistakes. Once he occasionally finds that he puts you aside and ignores you, you will start to be anxious, afraid that he does not love you, and then instigate, do not care, the original quarrel of the matter is not mentioned.
When he doesn't know where the problem is, he thinks it's the problem that you're idle and have nothing to "stir up a dispute." Because your outward venting is aggressive, it will make him feel frustrated and feel denied, but he can't touch you to deny his logic, feel that you have no logic, unreasonable.
So at first, maybe he simply found the opportunity to solve the problem. Once in the face of your attack, he developed a defense, felt uncomfortable and just wanted to be quiet. He may not have thought of taking the initiative in the relationship at all, but he was tired, accidentally touched the switch, and found that cold treatment is a shortcut to solve the problem, which can make you stop as soon as possible. Then I used it more, and slowly evolved into cold violence, taking it for granted that you are emotional and need to be cold.
It's human nature. If he can give very little to get what he wants, why should he give?
Why did it come to this?
The root problem is that from early years and growing up, you have neither learned a reasonable way to solve problems nor received enough attention. Not getting enough attention in the early years, such as the nurturer not caring enough about your feelings and emotional needs, has led to a particular lack of love. You always want the other person to be your ideal parent, put you in your heart, regard you as very important, and meet your needs unconditionally, so you will try to test the other person's bottom line, repeatedly prove that he loves you, and once he shows signs of leaving you, you want to catch him and make concessions in order to keep him.
In this case, you need to deal with your own life problems - how to get rid of the negative effects of your original family and past experiences, get along with yourself better, and reconcile with yourself - and then think about how to adjust your relationship with your boyfriend. Otherwise, even if the adjustment is almost the same, the follow-up other party will still be affected by you and start cold violence.
First of all, you must understand that in the face of cold violence, the more you want to solve the problem, the more you often can't solve the problem. When he is cold and violent to you, what you have to do is to set up your own framework and bottom line, not to condone him, not to be influenced by him.
Many girls will say that I did not condone him, I have a very bottom line, it is because I know that cold violence is not good, do not allow him to be cold violence against me, so I went to him to ask him the root of the matter, asked him what he thought of not talking, asked him if he could be together.
In fact, when you go to him for answers to various questions, it shows that you care about him. You care what he thinks of you, whether he loves you or not, whether you are important or not in his heart. So even if you really just don't like ambiguous relationships and want a crisp and neat definition of relationships, you will be understood by him to care about him in particular. As long as he is sure that you care about him in particular, he will think that cold violence works, and then he will become more and more cold to you, refusing to communicate, so as to achieve his purpose - let you do what he says, so as to maximize his interests.
Second, you have to realize that the nature of cold violence is a power game. When he adopts a cold violence strategy against you, reason prevails, especially when the man who makes cold violence a common thing, when he starts cold violence, he can't remember how to love you properly. So if you want to change the situation, the more passive the situation, the more you have to let go of the emotional thing and treat it as a battle. If you're not willing to break up, once the battle is lost, you'll have to agree to a series of unequal treaties with him. So please put away your love and consider your own interests rationally.
If you're just starting out with cold violence —
This is a good solution.
He was nice to you at first, but then he got into some friction and used cold violence. You can start by speculating with a positive mindset. Because if you preconceived the idea of "he's in PUA me," it's likely that he's really evolving into him trying to control you.
Start by having a positive communication attitude, tell him how you feel when you're treated coldly, and remind him that he didn't love you well and that he's going to ruin your relationship.
If he is unmoved by your reminder, as I said above, set up his own framework and refuse to be coldly violent.
He coldly violently abused him, and you set him aside for a normal life. The work, the study, the happy, the circle of friends that you can go out to play can even show that your social activities have some good quality opposite-sex participation.
Some girls may ask: I ignore him, he still ignores me, what should I do?
The girl who asked this question actually still did not understand the underlying logic, or cared about the other party ignoring herself. We must first put our attitudes out before we can hope to solve the problem.
Only when he remains sober and approves of you enough, and you put on your attitude, he naturally knows his own problems and solves them all at once so that he no longer dares to be cold and violent to you. However, in the case of a certain cognitive bias that has been formed, it is necessary to first put an attitude.
He may not come to you right away, but the firmer your attitude, the more shaken he will be: Does she not like me anymore? Doesn't she want to deal with me? Is she already reaching out to someone else? Am I doing something wrong?
With the vacillation, there will be follow-up relationship improvement, step by step, do not try to solve the problem all at once.
If you've been cold and violent for a long time —
Don't deal with this situation the way you did when you first encountered cold violence, because your relationship has been unequal for too long, and your connivance has continuously magnified the dark side of human nature, so that in his cognition, treating you this way is the treatment you deserve.
Cold violence has been too long, he has put himself in a higher position, feels that he can provide you with a lot, you are not living well without him, and you can't find a better person. Put them to the punch!
At this time, he did not take you seriously, if you learn the practices of those who share experiences on the Internet, learn to be as cold as him, it does not matter whether you are with him or not, then the result must be a breakup, not to live.
You think, originally he felt that you especially needed him, thought that after the breakup he could even reduce the burden, thought that he was with you to give you charity, is doing good deeds, you do not have a good attitude to maintain a relationship, is it difficult for him to ask you? Don't even think about it, just divide it.
At this time, if you want to solve the problem, the correct solution is to prove the value first.
Ways to prove value can be:
Reduce the investment and care for him, so that he has a sense of gap
Create a male object of competition and awaken his desire to conquer and possess
Increase hard value and change attitudes towards him
Prove your worth, break the balance of the relationship that was originally maintained, and make him realize that your relationship is not what he originally thought, in fact, he also needs you. He recognizes your value and realizes that your relationship is not what he thinks, and that's when you start to take the real initiative, and your indifference to him is really useful, and you can play games with him, so that he is willing to make concessions and readjust the balance of the relationship.
Having said all this before, the most effective way to face cold violence is always self-love.
Cold violence is really disgusting, it makes people deny themselves, hate themselves, and feel that they are nothing.
The cold violence of the other party is that he is not good, and do not feel bad because of the shortcomings of others.
In the face of cold violence, let him realize:
You can tolerate his cold violence, you can tolerate the hurt he gives because you love him.
But you won't always allow yourself to be hurt, and if he can't love you well, you can leave him too.
Your bowing your head will not be exchanged for the other person's love, it will only make him worse. Be yourself confident enough, love yourself enough, and be worthy of being loved better.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C