Teacher Zhou's video number is updated
Theme: How to approach great ideas
Welcome to pay attention to the message yo ~
The author | Han Bing
Editor-in-charge | kuma
01
Can experience complex emotions
Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood and Grandma Wolf, the little girl who sells matches, the ugly duckling... Remember those fairy tales you read when you were a kid?
When we were young, we knew the world through fairy tales — a world in which dreams come true and endings are happy, and good people have good rewards and bad people have bad rewards.
In addition to people's yearning for a better life, another significant feature of the fairy tale world is to simplify the world and turn it into a binary opposition, black and white.
And as we grow older, we will encounter some things that do not meet our expectations, and the fairy tale filter will gradually break. We realize that the real world is complex—that good people can have bad sides, that good love is mixed with lust and hurt, and that a good thing that seems like a gift can become a bomb later.
So at this time, we gradually develop a very complex emotion, it is difficult to use good and bad definitions to define a person, a thing, or define ourselves. Shahram Heshmat (2016) points out that a person can experience complex emotions, which is precisely a manifestation of maturity.
Because the real world itself is very complex, changeable, and difficult to define, it means that we can step out of the world of the mind and thus have a deeper understanding of life and ourselves.
02
Be able to see yourself positively but objectively and realistically
Whether a person's psychology is mature or not depends on the degree of integration of a person's self, which is simply how you see yourself.
Psychologist Allport, G. W. (1961) proposed that the primary criterion of "mature people" is to be able to see themselves positively but objectively and realistically.
"Relatively mature" people's self-perception usually has these characteristics:
By and large, I like myself and feel that I am "cute".
Allow yourself to have shortcomings and be aware of them.
Be able to accept yourself and are less likely to judge yourself by words like "bad, bad"
The perception of oneself is relatively stable (there may be temporary short-term fluctuations) and is less affected by the outside world or others.
Know and respect your true feelings and emotions.
One of the most important and the hardest of these is authenticity. The more we move away from our true selves, the more we deny our true emotions, and the more we cling to an idealized self-image, the more conflicts we have within.
It reminds me of what Freud said: "These unrecognized emotions do not disappear, they are buried alive, and sooner or later they will emerge."
03
Have the ability to build intimate relationships
In addition to the relationship with the self, another criterion of mental maturity is the relationship with others, that is, the ability to establish a satisfactory intimate relationship. Developmental psychology holds that only young people with a strong identity to themselves dare to take the risk of intimate relationships with others.
Satisfaction has three dimensions of judgment – whether the relationship is healthy, long-lasting, and deep. Yes, Aquaman's fish-raising, frequent change of partners, or sadomasochism and unable to extricate himself are beyond the scope of this discussion. There are also some people who feel that maturity means that there is no need to rely on any relationship, but this is not the case.
The "self-centered" mindset can prevent us from building intimacy with others, and the book The Great Me: The Psychology of Self-Development proposes three obstacles:
Fear of not being accepted.
Fear of commitment.
Fear of being changed.
When we overcome these obstacles, have the ability and willingness to commit, and build true intimacy, we are one step further on the road to maturity.
04
Complete independence
Independent women are very popular now, and I once advertised myself as such - having a job that can support myself, having my own thinking and pursuits. Later, when I was in a bad intimate relationship and couldn't leave, I realized that financial independence and independence in life are not difficult, and the real difficulty is spiritual independence, and I am far from doing it.
For an adult, spiritual independence means:
Complete separation from parents and establish clear boundaries.
Take full responsibility for yourself. In the face of their own life difficulties, do not rely on anyone to escape or solve problems, do not complain.
When the self and the outside world are in conflict, they can stick to themselves and make decisions.
Ability to take care of yourself (not just eat well and sleep well).
Due to different upbringing experiences, some people start to be independent very early, while some people may be prone to various symbiotic relationships, such as unable to get rid of parental control and over-reliance on partners in many things.
Independence makes people feel free, vast and powerful, but independence is also a long process, not overnight.
05
Get out of the narcissistic mentality of the ego,
Feel the real world
I met a friend two years ago, and at first I liked her very much, I thought she was enthusiastic and talented, and then I felt more and more awkward in the process of getting along.
"All of our chats revolved around her, and when I was talking about me, she felt uninterested and quickly went back to her own affairs; she often complained that dissatisfaction at work was that the leader was embarrassed by her, and the relationship was not smooth because of the other party's strangeness." 」 So we drifted apart.
There may be people around you who seem to live only in their own imaginations and cannot see the real world or other people. There is a word in psychology called "omnipotent narcissism" to describe this state, also known as "omnipotent sense", which is a concept proposed by psychologist Kohut, referring to the psychology of early infancy and the most primitive psychology of human beings.
Almighty narcissism has these manifestations:
The world (the nurturer) has to work my way and will be very angry if I can't be satisfied.
I am the center of the world, seeing only my needs and pains, not other people.
If something goes wrong (the needs are not met), someone must be persecuting me.
In a baby, you will feel that this kind of psychology seems to be understandable, but if an adult still holds such a mentality, it will bring a lot of pain and dissatisfaction to yourself - this is almost inevitable, because the world cannot revolve around a person's will. It can also bring trouble to the people around you and make it difficult to build relationships.
06
Maturity is often accompanied by pain
"Life is full of hardships."
The psychology bestseller "The Road Few People Take: The Journey of Mental Maturity" begins by writing that the so-called journey of mental maturity is "a process of constantly facing problems and solving problems."
Loevinger, J. (1976) has pointed out that the human ego has the opportunity to grow and develop only when the environment does not meet their expectations. This is not difficult to understand, because the so-called maturity is a process of continuous iteration of the self and the world.
I have a friend who had a smooth first 25 years of his life, family, academic work, close relationships, and almost no setbacks. At the age of 25, he ushered in the storm of his life for the first time, losing his job, losing love, and falling into depression.
She was depressed for a long time, but she also matured a lot. "I feel like myself is completely broken and regrouped." This is how she describes the feeling of change.
When everything is as expected, it often struggles to go beyond the established cognitive framework. When encountering difficult negative experiences, it is necessary to adjust the perception of self and the world.
Of course, not all suffering can lead to this maturation, the point is that it is possible to face up to the painful feelings, identify the problem, and combine positive thinking and action.
The process of maturation may seem less enjoyable, always accompanied by some disappointment, pain, and collapse of the worldview. But there is no escape, and as we face an environment and things become more complex, it is difficult to maintain the mentality of the past.
I like a quote from Heroes with a Thousand Faces: "What heroes need to accomplish today is not the heroic deeds of Galileo's time, but the story of the modern hero cycle, or the wonderful story of human maturity."
I wish you gradual maturity and an early completion of your heroic journey.
The world is so sad that we want to do something healing.
Click on the business card and let us accompany you
How to live your life the way you like
If you don't know what you want, don't know what you should do, read those good books, communicate with those great souls and the wisdom of the sages, and give yourself a good foundation to cultivate your own concentration in the world.
Teacher Zhou specially invited famous artists, in the 5 classics, taste life together, grow themselves, scan the above picture QR code, you can listen ~ ~
Today's good book recommendation
The Great Mind
In this world, there is such a group of people who, although the fewest in number, will always have the greatest impact on human civilization.
They are the discoverers of truth, the liberators of thought, and the enlighteners of civilization. They are great figures in the history of human thought.
So how do we ordinary people approach these great people and listen to their deafening voices?
Maybe you can do it with this set of Great Minds, which is the easiest and most effective way to do it.
This set of books, the Penguin Classics series. It brings together the world's greatest thinkers, philosophers, and statesmen, bringing together philosophical writings, essays, and political treatises that have had a major impact on human thought.
For example, Plato's "Drinking", Adam Smith's "Invisible Hand", Nietzsche's "With Loneliness" and so on.
This set of 48 books, each volume is a small book, read 20 pages a day, 5 days can read a classic. Moreover, each one is small and easy to carry, which is a good consideration for the reader.
I have said more than once that reading books should not take a detour and go straight to the master, this set of books is a collection of excellent works of many masters, reading it, you can use the simplest way to read the greatest ideas, arm our minds, and achieve a better self.