Some time ago, I was angry with my daughter and half dead. Here's what it goes.
One day I went to pick up my daughter from school, and when she got to school, she wouldn't leave. When I asked, I learned that the school's science laboratory was recruiting little assistants, and that day was the last day to submit the application form.
It seemed to me to be a very simple thing, but my daughter struggled internally all day. At first, she worried that "although the science results are very good, but what if it is not good enough and cannot be competent", and later she is afraid that "there are too many people who have signed up, and I can't choose to be more shameful"... One after another, the forms were crumpled in the bag, and they were not handed in until school was over.
My heart said: Oh! This has not really begun to "fight", you first think about it and torture yourself to death... It seems that the child's ability is not enough, and the lack of self-confidence really affects her true performance!!!
Not only children, in fact, adults are often bound by the word "confidence" many times, missing countless good opportunities and unable to play their maximum potential.
There is a street interview in the United Kingdom that asks: "If you have the opportunity, what kind of advice would you most like to give to your young self?" ”
As a result, most elderly people say: "I want to say - be confident, be bold, and seize more opportunities!" ”
#01
Ineffective self-confidence improvement methods
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore is a clinical psychologist at Princeton University and an expert on children's emotions and friendships. She has a fairly famous book called Kid Confidence.
Erin said that schools and parents are now aware of the importance of cultivating children's self-confidence from an early age, but the problem is that most people do not do it right - either overcorrection and raise children into "narcissists"; or they use "encouragement" in the wrong place, but deeply hurt their children's self-esteem and self-confidence.
△ "Children's Confidence" book cover
So, what are the practices that are ineffective "self-esteem improvement methods"?
Telling a child "you're great" is useless
For most parents, the only way to boost their child's confidence is to often say to him, "You're great!" ”
But science will tell you that this practice is "basically useless."
In one study, psychologists let children play computer games. Before the official start, the children first performed a "non-competitive" exercise. Then some of these kids will get text messages telling them, "Wow, you're amazing!" ”
After practicing, the children started the official competition, and the result was of course a win-lose situation.
The researchers found that among children who failed to play, those who received "You're amazing" text messages felt more humiliated than other children.
For children who have low self-esteem problems, hearing the evaluation of "you are great" will make them feel that they are not worthy of the previous high evaluation, so they feel more sad and depressed.
"Boast about yourself"? It's no use either
In the movie "Izumi Hibiscus", the male protagonist went to the girls' school to learn to dance ballet, and the teacher said to him: "Confidence can have a good posture." Women have to say to themselves every day: I have a secret, how beautiful I look, everyone loves me..."
Many people believe that praising themselves enthusiastically every day can greatly improve their self-confidence.
Unfortunately, scientists will tell you that "self-encouragement" makes you feel good because you don't lack self-confidence. For people with "low self-esteem," such encouragement is harmful and unhelpful.
A study by Joanne Wood, a psychologist at the University of Waterloo in Canada, found that —
Even if you brainwash yourself every day and keep telling yourself "I'm a lovely person", children with "low self-esteem" will not believe it. Instead, they will feel worse.
△ Stills from the movie "Dancer in the Dark"
Can "Successful Experiences" Boost Confidence?
So, is it not enough to increase the "success experience" of children, so that they can become more and more confident?
Somewhat useful, but this method alone is still not enough.
This is because children with low self-esteem are all masters of ignoring their own successful experiences!
Even if something is done particularly well, children with low self-esteem will insist, "I'm not doing that well, and since even I can, everyone else must be able to do it." ”
In addition, they will pick a fault in the egg and think, "I messed up one of the places!" ”
Another study by Joanne Wood found that people with low self-esteem are more anxious about success than they are about failure — because they have always felt doomed to failure, and success seems unexpected and more dangerous. Dr. Wood calls this mentality "taking defeat from the mouth of victory." ”
#02
What are really effective ways to boost self-esteem?
All of these self-esteem-enhancing means mentioned earlier fail because they all involve "increasing self-attention" —
Whether it's saying "you're awesome", "I'm so beautiful", or "pursuing success"... It is through the assessment of the "self" performance, so as to draw the judgment of "whether I am capable".
The problem is that people with low self-confidence tend to be too harsh on themselves. Encouraging them to keep paying attention to their performance and constantly giving themselves a score will actually exacerbate their pain and deepen the stereotypes of "I can't do it," "I'm not good enough," and "I can't satisfy others."
So, what is a truly effective way to boost self-confidence and self-esteem?
Dr. Moore argues that the key is to stay away from "self-focus."
True self-confidence is not about convincing yourself that "I am special and outstanding."
True self-confidence is precisely not to ask yourself this question anymore – am I good enough?
True self-esteem is a sense of total commitment and involvement in what you are doing.
When a person feels completely confident, he never judges himself from God's perspective, but is free to listen, learn, try, experience, and do anything.
Therefore, in order to truly improve children's self-esteem and self-confidence, we must start by helping them stay away from "self-attention".
△ Stills from the movie "Summer of '93"
#03
Keywords: connection, achievement, and choice
Famous Australian psychologist Richard . Richard Ryan found that the key to boosting children's self-esteem and self-confidence is to meet their basic needs for three emotions: Connection, Competence, and Choice.
When these needs are met, children will no longer constantly evaluate and question their own value, thus developing true self-confidence.
Connection
"Connecting" involves building meaningful relationships that create a sense of belonging. Building a satisfying connection with family and friends is an important part of building true self-esteem, as it directs a child's attention from "focusing on yourself" to "focusing on others."
At the same time, when children feel understood, accepted, and valued, they don't question their own worth.
As parents, on the one hand, we must accompany, understand, listen to and care for our children, and create a harmonious family atmosphere;
On the other hand, we also need to guide children to learn to build good interpersonal relationships so that they can be accepted and welcomed by their peers.
"Friendship" is essential for children to build self-confidence. The study found that even with just a good friend who supported him, the child was more confident, preferred school, coped better with stressful events, and was less likely to experience school bullying.
"The Child's Confidence" tells the story of the girl Marissa. Marissa came back from school and complained to her mom, saying, "Today, Chase is playing with Samantha, Ayami is playing with Laura... No one plays with me, I hate them! ”
"Friendship issues" often lead to "low self-esteem" problems in children, so how can we help Marissa get out of isolation?
Psychologists suggest that parents teach their children (1) to avoid offensive behaviors and (2) to connect with friends.
No one wants to play with people who often lose their temper, so we have to teach children the skills of controlling emotions.
For example, take a deep breath when you're angry, count, do math problems in your head, or even just look at the shape of the floor tiles... These techniques can help children calm down when they encounter contradictions.
Also, tell your child that he can leave the scene of the conflict for a while, such as going to the toilet for a while or somewhere else to be quiet for a while. During this period of calm, do not repeatedly recall the process of contradictions, but first think of other things to distract your attention, and then you can come up with a good way to resolve the contradictions.
Another mistake that "low self-esteem" children make is to tie up friends too tightly, they crave friendship, and they are extremely afraid of losing.
At this time, parents should tell their children: "Friendship is not a so-called 'chase and escape game', you have to leave enough space for friends to breathe freely." "For example, if you invite a good friend to your house this week, it's best to wait at least two weeks before sending out a second invitation."
In addition, if a good friend has a new friend, remind the child not to be jealous and not to force the good friend to "make a choice". The joining of the third person should not be the end of friendship, but the beginning of expanding the circle of friends.
△ Stills from the TV series "Stranger Things"
In addition to avoiding offensive behavior, children should also learn to "actively connect." Train your child to say hello, remember the names of other classmates, and tell your child that greeting means "I'm glad to meet you!" ”
For a particularly shy child, we can let him start by greeting his family every day, and then slowly learn to take the initiative to greet teachers and classmates.
One problem that particularly bothers children with low self-esteem is that they always feel that "in order to make friends, I have to be excellent, I have to impress others." ”
We need to make them understand: you are not the focus! The essence of making friends is to make others feel comfortable and accepted in the process of getting along.
Teach your child some tips for getting along with people, such as:
Smile at friends; give people sincere compliments; ask questions to get to know each other better ("What do you think of this movie?"). "How was this weekend?" share ("You can use my pencil"); invite others to join ("You can sit here!"). "Would you like to join our group?" "Do you want to do your homework together?" ）
By encouraging friendly behavior, children gain more friendships and build stronger self-confidence from their friends' support.
Competence
"Achievement" refers to acquiring skills and mastering learning methods so that children can accomplish the things that are really important to them and gain confidence from achievements.
For example, to gain true confidence in mathematics, children need to learn how to solve mathematical problems and, when they encounter difficult problems, know how to overcome them.
They also need to know that whatever their current level, it's just a sign of short-term ability, because they're able to keep learning and grow.
When children focus on the process of hard work (rather than the outcome), they don't see failure as evidence of their "worthlessness."
When trying to help their children achieve success, the most common mistake parents make is to constantly emphasize the meaning of "effort", but they do not let their children see the connection between "effort" and "success".
In order for children to feel truly fulfilled, we need to (1) help children focus on "getting things done" instead of "judging themselves" ;(2) and create opportunities for them to experience the rewards of continued effort.
To avoid "fruitless efforts," we need to help children learn how to develop "strategies" before they start completing tasks.
For example, if your child's homework is to shoot a short video clip about China. Let him imagine what the final product will look like; let him think about the necessary steps to divide the shooting work into; finally think about the details, how the script is written, whether the map is printed or drawn by himself...
Children who lack self-confidence will first repeatedly question their abilities before starting work, and develop strategies that can immediately shift their attention from "themselves" to "work" itself;
Once you develop the habit of "receiving work - formulating strategies", children's learning and work efficiency will be rapidly improved, and with the continuous accumulation of success, self-confidence will naturally and slowly accumulate.
Another way to accumulate achievements is to constantly set "small goals" that can be accomplished.
For example, if your child feels unable to complete the 400-meter breaststroke. You let him swim from 100 meters first; if you can't get from 60 points to 90 points at once, you allow him to progress to 65 points first... Small goals are easy to accomplish and can constantly give children new hope.
Finally, don't compare your child to other people, but often compare him to your "past self."
With his past photos, videos, old homework... Help your child see their own progress and growth.
Looking back on the past, we can also let children realize that the current ability is only a temporary level, it is only a short moment in our long life... What they need to do is to keep going.
Choice
"Choice" means being able to make your own decisions — figuring out what's important to you, and then doing things in a way that aligns with your personal values.
If a person is constantly forced and controlled, he is likely to lose self-confidence and fall into the strange circle of "learned helplessness".
Therefore, the purpose of education is by no means to cultivate "obedient" children, but to cultivate children who have the ability to make independent choices. Choice inspires the power of a child's inner drive.
Therefore, as parents, we must learn to "take a step back" and try to give children the opportunity to make choices.
For children with low self-esteem, making choices is more difficult because they always have all kinds of misconceptions about what the "right choice" is.
The responsibility of adults is to dispel these misconceptions of children .
Myth #1: I have to be 100% sure before I make a decision.
Truth: Nothing in life is 100% certain.
Myth 2: In order to make a decision, I have to constantly analyze and compare.
Truth: In a way, more thinking and discussion doesn't improve the quality of the decision.
Myth 3: If I make the wrong decision, it will be unbearable.
Truth: If you make a bad decision, you will feel disappointed and regretful, but you can get through it. You're also likely to learn from your mistakes so you'll be wiser the next time you make a decision.
△ Stills from the movie "Sorry, We Missed You"
Myth #4: The "perfect choice" exists, and I can't make a decision until I find it.
Truth: Most decisions are the result of "compromise", and some are even based on "reasonable guesswork". If one choice is wrong, it doesn't mean the other is right. Most of the options have both costs and benefits.
What is right for one person may be wrong for another; the right choice now, another time may be wrong... All of this doesn't matter, you can always make adjustments to your choices.
Myth #5: If I don't make a decision, I don't make the wrong decision.
Truth: "Not making a decision" is itself a negative decision. It is the decision not to act, or the refusal to make a commitment; it is the decision to plunge yourself into uncertainty and let the opportunity slip away.