Psychology: Why we like someone for so long without confessing

When I was in graduate school, a female classmate suddenly asked me: "A male classmate from elementary school suddenly confessed to me that he liked me for 14 years. ”

At that time, I was also suspicious.

When I grow up, I know and believe that someone will like someone for a long time, just like the crush of a student, which can be 3, 5 years, or even 8 years, 10 years or more.

But I'm more curious that we have liked someone for so long, and it can be seen that the affection is deep, so why not confess? Why did you suddenly confess after a long time?

Is it because of low self-esteem and feeling that you are not worthy of each other?

Or are you afraid of not succeeding after confessing, embarrassing yourself, and embarrassing the other party?

Or do you want to hide your heart and pursue a spiritual romance?

01

Why do you like someone for a long time without confessing?

We will think of the feeling of being infatuated with a person as love, but that kind of romance is just a fantasy, and the feelings that are not paid are not love.

This kind of liking is not affectionate or admirable, but a gradually formed adaptive protective mechanism, which is safe and stable.

You just regard the other party as a piece of white moonlight in your heart, a peach blossom source;

Just like a colorful bubble, you look at it and rejoice, because you don't want to be hurt, so if you don't poke it, you won't confess;

Psychologists say:

"Tell me who you love and I'll tell you who you are."

We like a person, not like the person itself, but like ourselves when we like this person, and liking someone for a long time is like weaving a glass dream for ourselves.

In this dream, we feel joy, sadness, pain, romance, gain and loss, and this person helps us to experience almost all of a person's emotional fluctuations;

Because of the elongation of time, it seems that the affectionate model is exclusive and beautiful, but in the end, it is only myself who is moved, and it is also myself who protects.

This kind of emotion is like a harbor that allows us to anchor in this impetuous and busy society for a while. You don't have to worry about someone bothering, taunting, and judging it. Feel free to pamper yourself carefully and carefully, without worrying about exposing yourself.

Because reality is always not so smooth, we project the beautiful fantasy of life onto a specific person.

We put a deep affection out of it, and automatically create connections and stories related to it in our minds to meet our inner expectations.

In this way, you can not only bring yourself the dopamine generated by talking, interacting, and fantasizing with the people you like, but also avoid the embarrassment of rejection and the risk and sentimentality of losing the person you want.

Lucky people, in real life, know each other with the people they like, have interactions, have communication, and even know each other.

There are also some people who don't know themselves or know very little about themselves, and they just like to watch from a distance, waiting and paying attention. It's like worshipping stars.

Psychologically, this kind of like and appreciation is called "pseudo-social relationship", which is one-way and illusory, and the opposite is a quasi-social relationship, which is two-way and real.

Just like in the Thai drama "The Little Thing of First Love", Xiao Shui holds the button that Ah Liang learned to drop (in fact, it is not Ah Liang's), and returns home to do all kinds of beautiful fantasies against the button;

Some people will talk to certain scenes and things related to the person they like, and talk about it as if they are talking to the other person.

Because you can always keep this idea without confessing, it is a deep and extremely private emotion, usually highly sensitive people and avoidant people who like others for a long time without confessing.

02

Why do you suddenly confess after liking it for a long time?

"If you never forget, there will be an echo."

There is a "Gestalt psychology" in psychology, and when an incomplete figure appears, people tend to complete it.

If a person has long been accustomed to "restraining" and "suppressing" his feelings, and has not spoken them through words, it is very likely to manifest themselves psychologically or in action.

Just like the emotions that we suppress, we will eventually either vent and speak in the form of words, or we will suffer from depression or physical illness, or we will erupt into physical conflict or put into certain actions.

The key to repression is not pressure, but "rebound", and the suppressed feelings will not disappear with time, but will continue to spread violently and persistently because of "unfinished", until the day of the outbreak.

In "Snail Residence", Song Siming's feelings for seaweed are examples. Because of his identity, age, and experience, he and Seaweed did not have a real common language, did not experience suffering, and everything was because Seaweed was like a girl who was admired but could not be admired in Song University.

Song's choice of seaweed is a compensatory psychology.

When the pursuit of the inner love is not enough, it will be pursued by changing a goal or a substitute to satisfy their inner desires.

His repressed emotions are achieved through actual actions— infidelity.

Psychologically speaking, language has a healing effect on people. For people who have experienced trauma and pain, using words to tell and state their sad experiences can have a certain healing effect.

Therefore, someone will "end" the past "unrealized" feelings in the form of verbal expression, just like they "led" to open a relationship experience, and finally ended the relationship with their own hands.

The long-formed consciousness of admiration will gradually become unconscious and penetrate into all aspects of life, such as hearing a song, seeing a scene, immediately thinking of the other party, or doing a lot of mixed, emotionally changeable dreams.

If you can't go beyond the past, you can't go into the future.

Therefore, some people will choose to suddenly say the emotions accumulated for many years, and "eradicate" the memories and fantasies of the other party in their hearts to the greatest extent, in order to adapt to and look forward to a new life in the future.