Every child who asks for help deserves to be heard

◎ Yang Meng

The impact of the epidemic has worsened some family relations in Germany, and teenagers have lost their schools and become addicted to the Internet

The German Children's Helpline 116111 is one of the earliest psychological counseling hotlines for children and adolescents in the world, and children in 28 countries in Europe can currently seek professional help through this unified helpline

In 2020, the Free Helpline for Children and Adults in Germany received 444028 calls from children and adolescents, as well as 33,380 calls for help from parents, and both the troubled children and parents received professional advice and help

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the world, and while adults are responding to sudden changes in Germany, the impact on children is also enormous: schools are suspended or switched to online classes, extracurricular activities are suspended from time to time, normal social interaction between friends is restricted, children's regular lives are completely disrupted, and part of the anxiety and stress of adults is invisibly transferred to children. Various problems in the epidemic have led to many children looking for friends, fun and comfort in the virtual world, some people play online games to become addicted, abandoning their studies; some people are physically and mentally injured and mentally depressed; some people have deteriorated their relationship with their parents, and even domestic violence! Statistics from the German Youth Welfare Agency show that 60,600 German children and adolescents with physical and mental health threats or injuries in 2020, an increase of 9% over 2019, reaching the highest level since the statistics were introduced in 2012.

In May 2021, Germany's newly revised Youth Protection Law came into effect, which clearly stipulates the time and conditions for minors to stay in public entertainment places, strengthens the protection mechanism of user data on online platforms and social media, and the age level restriction of movie games. The revised law aims to better protect children and adolescents from bullying, sexual harassment, hate speech and other negative effects in public places and on the Internet, and to allow society as a whole to re-examine the protection of the physical and mental health of minors.

It is vital for a society to have children who feel threatened or harmed at any time available for help and protection in a simple way. Germany has the world's oldest child helpline, various child assistance agencies, and local youth welfare bureaus to provide professional help to children so that they can grow up healthily under the greatest possible protection.

"Attacks on our children" are all around us

On March 8, 2021, the famous German RTL TV station did a documentary program that shocked all of Germany! The show is called "Attacks on Our Kids" and the theme is cybersecurity for kids. In order to investigate the risks that children may encounter on the Internet, the program team specially built a simulated children's bedroom, and three young-looking 20-year-old actors (two women and one man) dressed up as 12-year-old children registered on different chat sites. In three days, the three "kids" were subjected to more than 500 online harassments, from video invitations to psychological manipulation, from sexual innuendo to purposeful invitations to meet. Obviously, many harassers know this well - they understand the lonely and rebellious psychology of adolescent children, and they talk to children skillfully, so that children feel understood, concerned, and easily gain their children's trust to achieve their dark purposes.

In the process of directing the "children" to chat, the TV reporter was shocked to find that some of the harassers had already succeeded many times in real life. During the recording of the show, the chat messages sent by these harassers to the "children", as well as videos, exceeded the imagination of all the participants of the show, challenging the social bottom line.

The show aired for three consecutive days and garnered more than 2.7 million views on its first day. In addition to inviting educators and cybersecurity supervisors, the program team also arranged more than a dozen real-time hotlines, and many parents called to tell their children about similar experiences. The next day, the program team invited one of the fathers who had called the day before, and he told the story of his ten-year-old daughter, which is also a story that may happen in every family. During the preparation and recording of the program, the program team and the Cologne Prosecutor's Office joined forces to investigate, collect information, and finally prosecute and pursue legal responsibility for the relevant personnel.

Both children and parents can call the hotline for help

With the development of network technology, not only in Germany, but also in the world need to face the problem of children's network security. In fact, the most direct and most able to help children are parents, but often for various reasons, many children are reluctant to communicate with their parents.

In Germany, children can seek help in many forms, the easiest of which is to call the Children's Helpline 116111, which is dedicated to helping children who are overwhelmed by their troubles. Founded in 1980, the German child helpline was one of the first psychological counseling hotlines for children and adolescents in the world. Children with any worries and worries can call the 116111 toll-free number from Monday to Saturday from 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. for help. Behind the 76 telephone lines, 2,235 trained volunteers were ready to help. And every Saturday from 2 p.m. to 8 p.m., at the other end of the children's helpline are young volunteers between the ages of 16 and 21 — a time when children can call if they want to be heard and helped by their peers.

In addition, as adolescent mental health issues have gained more and more attention in Europe, since 2008, children in a total of 28 countries in Europe can talk about their troubles, seek counseling and professional help through the unified helpline of the 116111. In addition to calling the hotline, children can also leave a message online for consultation or email for help. Here, the physical and mental health of children comes first, and all their information is kept confidential.

It is significant that Germany also has a hotline for parents 08001110550 – whether they are worried about their children or have conflicts with their children, parents can also call the hotline for help. According to statistics, in 2020, the two "helplines" in Germany received 444028 calls from children and adolescents, as well as 33,380 calls for help from parents, and the troubled children and parents received professional advice and help.

Hotline volunteers open their ears and hearts

Open up a new world for every child who asks for help

In order to help my friend ask for help, and out of curiosity, I called the German children's helpline, and on the other end of the phone was a woman who had been volunteering on the hotline for 16 years. Unlike the usual German custom, the woman picked up the phone and did not give her name, because the personal privacy of these volunteers also needed to be protected.

The chat with the lady was very interesting, and she told me that there were often curious children calling — they didn't have a problem, they just heard about the hotline and wanted to dial the number to try it; there would be troublemakers who called like they were playing a game of "run when you ring the doorbell", and some even ordered pizza. But I was touched by what she said next, she said: "Some children are joking, but I will tell him what we do, if you want to chat, he can call at any time." 」 Then when the child is really troubled, he will think of this hotline, and we may help him. ”

When I asked how volunteers responded to the children's various problems, she said: "The first and most important point is to encourage and appreciate the children and affirm their courage, because not every child has the courage to call the hotline and tell a stranger about their troubles. Some children lack family love and are not recognized and appreciated in their daily lives, and encouragement and affirmation from the other end of the phone will certainly give them enough courage to tell their own stories and even bring a spiritual shock. He needs to know that the world is warm and that he is not as bad as he thinks.

Secondly, volunteers need to communicate with the child sincerely and equally, by guiding the child to organize language and tell their own story; to understand whether the child's emotions are uneasy and sad, sad and disappointed, or angry and angry; through chat and inquiry, understand the child's real problems and the root cause of inner troubles.

Third, volunteers do not question children, do not laugh at children, do not "educate" children, and do not blame children. They listen to the child's story, affirm the child's feelings, and encourage the child to try to change on his own. They will tell the child that you feel right and that many things are not your fault! Whether it's a divorced parent, or a dad losing his job, an alcoholic, or a domestic violence, none of this is your fault!

At this point, I immediately thought of my friend's child. Imagine if a friend's child told me that he only wanted to play with his phone all day, chat and play games online, and my mother would be very angry about it. The first thing I might say is, "How can you do that?" "Why don't you study hard and don't finish your homework?" "How sad your mother should be when you look like this!" The volunteer laughed immediately when she heard me, and she asked me, "Do you think you can talk about it this day if you say this?" "I admit that this day was indeed killed by my words! Although this is probably a normal reaction for most adults.

So what do volunteers do? The woman said she would first affirm that the child, being aware of her phone addiction and her mother's sadness, was commendable in itself for calling for help. Next she will ask the child why he likes to chat and play games online. Is it because learning is too hard and boring? Is it because you have a conflict with your classmates and don't have friends at school, so you want to find friends online? What's so wonderful about the internet that he loves so much and doesn't want to leave? Through such questions and answers, you can find out (and help the child discover for himself) what exactly is attracting him online, and what problems does he not want to face in real life?

Next, you can give your child different suggestions to change the status quo: such as keeping a diary, recording the time you spend every day online, and what you do online. Or ask your child if he has tried to change before? What method was used? Is there any effect? If the child says that he used to go to a friend to play ball, or played games with his father at home and was very happy, then he can recommend that the child continue to try these similar methods.

If the situation is really serious, you can tell your child that he needs to communicate with his parents and ask them to help him seek psychotherapy. It is very likely that anxious parents have already thought of this method, but the child cannot listen to it, and if a volunteer who is willing to listen to him also makes this suggestion, it may be more acceptable.

In the phone chat, the woman stressed to me a very important point: "Child Helpline" is not the outstretched arm of the Youth Welfare Department and the Police Department, nor can it replace these two organizations. The children who call for help only hope that they will no longer be bothered or that conflicts with their parents will not happen again, rather than wanting to leave their parents and mothers, so we do not want and cannot destroy the children's families. Depending on the child's family situation and the problems that plague the child, volunteers will also advise the child to consult the local youth service agency, child protection association or social service agency for help; and give the child advice, so that the child will have more courage to call a friend for help, so that the child will have more courage to take this step.

In another example, a kid called to say he stole something in a store and didn't know what to do. Volunteers first affirm that the child realizes that he has done something wrong, and then encourage the child to tell the parents, because if he goes directly to the store to turn himself in, the clerk will usually report the case directly, which is too serious for a child. If a parent takes the child to the store to explain and admit the mistake, the child is more likely to be forgiven, making this a wake-up call for his future.

The lady also told me an interesting thing, a child called and said he wanted to be a pirate, but no one supported him. She then asked the child:

- Did you know that being a pirate is about intercepting merchant ships, killing people and setting fires, and robbing property? Would you like to?

- Don't know, don't want to.

- So what exactly do you want to do?

- Want to find treasure!

- Ah, look for treasure, then you can be an underwater archaeologist!

Eventually, the child discovers that he actually needs to learn to swim!

At the end of the conversation, I asked the lady one last question, what advice would you give him if new volunteers joined. She pondered for a moment and said: Open your ears and open your heart! Every help call from a child opens up a new world for them, and they should be serious and sincere with every child and what they want to say!

In fact, such a children's helpline is not psychological counseling, not adolescent education, nor is it a social service to mediate family conflicts, it is just a listening channel and chat friends when children are overwhelmed, sad and disappointed, unable or unwilling to communicate with their parents. But a phone call like this could save lives and even change lives.

The Juvenile Welfare Bureau is a "regular army" for the protection of minors

In Germany, every city has a formal government agency for helping youth and families– the Youth Welfare Bureau. The Juvenile Welfare Bureau aims to protect minors, and if the physical and mental health of a child in a family is threatened, the Juvenile Welfare Bureau intervenes, ranging from investigation and mediation to forcing the child to leave the problem parents and live elsewhere.

The Juvenile Welfare Bureau has the right and obligation to take measures to protect the child in situations of imminent danger – if the child's physical and mental health is threatened in the family, then whether it is the child's request for help, a clue provided by a neighbor, or a request for help from a parent, the staff of the Juvenile Welfare Bureau must intervene and take various measures to help improve the situation, such as visiting the situation and providing counselling and mediation to the child and the parents. In an emergency, if the child's physical and mental health and personal safety cannot be guaranteed, the Youth Welfare Bureau will temporarily protect the child and place him in a dormitory or homestay until a suitable solution is found.

Statistics from the German Youth Welfare Agency show that 60,600 German children and adolescents with physical and mental health threats or injuries in 2020, an increase of 9% over 2019, the highest level since the statistics were introduced in 2012 – one in two of these children is less than 8 years old, and one in every three is even less than 5 years old. Of the 60,600 children whose bodies and minds are threatened and harmed, 58 percent are neglected by their parents, 34 percent show signs of psychological abuse — for example, in the form of humiliation, intimidation, isolation, and cold violence, an increase of 17 percent over 2019; 26 percent have evidence of physical abuse and 5 percent have evidence of sexual violence, often superimposed.

In 2020, the German Youth Welfare Agency assessed a total of 194,500 cases of suspected child abuse nationwide, of which 27% were provided by relatives, neighbors and acquaintances of the families concerned, 27% were from information provided by the police and legal authorities, and about one-tenth of the cases were from minors who were physically and mentally threatened or injured or their parents who voluntarily asked for help. The Juvenile Welfare Bureau finally provided temporary protection to 45,400 children whose physical and mental health was threatened: in general, about half of the children would return to their parents after two weeks, but many children would leave their parents for a short period of time or even not return to their parents – in which case the children were usually sent to foster homes for care.

Inadequate funding and manpower for child protection agencies Voices for help are often ignored

There are many reasons why children are sent to foster families, such as single mothers who are sick and hospitalized and unable to take care of their children, so the children need to go to the foster family for temporary residence; or the parents themselves have problems and do not have the ability to raise children; or the original family contradictions are sharp, and the child's physical and mental health cannot be guaranteed. Depending on the situation, the child may live in a foster home for a short or long time. Foster parents are not something anyone can do, they must apply for eligibility in advance and pass the review of the Juvenile Welfare Bureau. In addition to being physically fit, foster parents must have sufficient financial income and time to raise their children and be willing to work with the Youth Welfare Agency for the benefit of their children. The Youth Welfare Bureau will also regularly conduct door-to-door investigations and interviews to make a series of assessments of the foster parents' family situation, psychological status, educational ability, etc., because the foster children generally have such and such problems in the original family, and need more patience and love from the foster parents.

Being a foster parent, while financially compensated, is different from adoption. Foster parents do not have custody of their children, so many things require the consent of the child's biological parents. In order not to cut off the child's contact with the biological parents, depending on the situation, parents can discuss the time of visiting the child with the Youth Welfare Bureau, as well as the foster parents, so that if allowed, the child can meet with the parents regularly, or even spend the night or weekend with the parents.

In addition to foster families, the Youth Welfare Bureau also arranges for children who cannot live with their parents to go to children's welfare homes or youth dormitories. In these places, children live together, on the one hand, with someone to take care of, and on the other hand, they can learn their ability to live independently and to get along with others. According to statistics, about 80,000 children in Germany currently live in foster homes.

However, even with the existence of these social institutions to help children, because of insufficient funding and insufficient manpower, the voice for help is often ignored. This is also the author's personal experience. I once had a friend who was a single mother raising her daughter alone, and her child started learning violin at the age of five, and because of her talent, she was strictly required to practice at least six hours a day. But because the mother's method is bad, she even beats the child with her hands, and often locks the child in a dark hut. As her daughter grew older and began to rebel, the mother-daughter relationship deteriorated rapidly, and the mother even had to give up custody and send her child to an orphanage or foster home. In the two years from the age of 10 to 12, adolescence began, the mother-daughter conflict intensified, and the cold violence at both ends of the three days made the child on the verge of depression. I tried mediation many times, but because of this mother's stubbornness and extremism, nothing improved. In order to save the children, I helped them make an appointment with the Family Counseling Center and the Youth Welfare Bureau, hoping that their staff could help the mother and daughter, but after several interviews, they could not do it. Prior to this, their neighbors had also called the Youth Welfare Bureau for something to express their concern for the girl, and the staff of the Youth Welfare Bureau had visited her home once. Later, the mother and daughter even reported to the police because of their hands, but there was still no more involvement of the Youth Welfare Bureau. When I called to inquire, their reason was that families with more serious problems were still in line, and their time and energy were limited, and I was anxious and angry in the face of such reasons but had nothing to say. Fortunately, the father who had been unwilling to be responsible for the girl finally agreed to let his daughter live with him, and the mother fulfilled her wish, gave up the custody of her daughter, and broke off her relationship with her.

It can be seen that even if there are many child rescue agencies, there will still be a variety of problems and omissions, and not every child in need of help can get help in time.

Minors are the weakest and most helpless group in the world, from birth to adulthood, full of curiosity about the world at different ages, and they need the love, understanding and companionship of their parents as they grow up. Only children who have received love and companionship have the ability to love others when they grow up, and only after they have become parents do they know how to love and protect their children. Therefore, treating every child well, respecting them and communicating with them equally, giving children unconditional love, and teaching them the ability to love is the responsibility of every parent and the responsibility of the whole society.