Write on the front:
Why does Papa Wang trust his children so much?
Why are we accustomed to speculating about other children and parents with the worst malice?
Why does someone else do something wrong because this person can't do it, and why do you have various reasons for doing something wrong?
Behind these questions, there is a common psychological explanation.
Take a look at today's article.
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The full text totals 3617 words, and the reading time is 10 minutes
You must have felt such a scene, in some places where children are concentrated, especially in some public places, parents are not familiar with each other, and if children quarrel, some parents will pounce from behind.
When the children are slightly older and go to kindergarten, the parent group will often fry the pan. A certain parent will suddenly jump out in the midst of peace, and accuse a child of beating his child. The parents of the children who beat people directly died, whispered, and apologized continuously. There are also parents who throw evidence, the situation is reversed, and they punch in the face.
("Annual Comedy Contest" program "High-Speed Rail Warrior 2021")
In the first and second grades of elementary school, this situation continues. How long can it last, this is too difficult to say, think of Wang Mouhong's father.
I know a friend whose children are in the second grade and have a conflict with their classmates, and the two children start to move. The child's grandmother couldn't help but say that she went directly to hit her friend's child, and it was twice.
Why do parents always like to protect their calves so much, so believe in their children, and at the same time are accustomed to speculating about other children and parents with the worst malice?
This is actually the "Fundamental Attribution Error."
Basic attribution bias is the poison of interpersonal relationships, if you do not see this attribution bias, it will affect our various relationships, such as parent-child relationship, neighborhood relationship, marriage relationship, colleague relationship. There is such an exaggeration, let's take a look.
When the problem occurs
Why is it customary to speculate on others with the worst malice
There is a bias in the "basic attribution bias" called the "actor-observer bias", which can well explain why children fight and parents are prone to conflicts.
When we are observers (spectators), it is easy to attribute the actions of others (the perpetrators of the acts) to the personality traits of others, while when we are the perpetrators of the actions, it is easy to attribute the occurrence of our actions to the factors of the situation.
That is to say, if someone else does something wrong, we will think that he is wrong because he is not a "person", but we ourselves do something wrong, and we will find various external reasons for ourselves.
For example, we are late because the child is too noisy in the morning. But when someone is late, we think it's the person who can't do it. This can affect the relationship between colleagues.
Eating out, the child's father is there to look at the phone, and you are very angry, thinking that the child's father is too disrespectful. But when you look at your phone, you say, I'm dealing with work, what's wrong. See, is this kind of attribution bias easy to make couples unhappy together.
Similarly, there are conflicts between children, and some parents do not think that their children have problems, but think that other children are too bad. Therefore, this kind of small contradiction between children will be made big, thinking that other children are bullying and bullying their own children.
(The movie "Spring of the Cattle Herding Class")
How the "actor-observer bias" occurs
That's the brain being lazy
Why is there such an attribution error as the "actor-observer bias"? That's because people are cognitive misers, and the human brain likes simplicity.
In the process of an event, what is simple, people's words and deeds, every move is easy to be noticed, which is very simple for the observer;
What's complicated? The "invisible" environment, roles, situational pressures and other external conditions of the actor are very diverse, and the analysis is very complicated.
Thus we (the observer) automatically ignore these external factors and place too much emphasis on the personal causes of the (actors), and thus the "actor-observer bias" arises.
For the observer, the principle of doing things in "his" mind is this: others have the characteristics of others, and we have our situations.
Attribution determines the way we treat our children
If parents are not aware of their attribution bias , the "actor-observer bias", and the child has done something wrong, it is easy for us to attribute the cause of the problem directly to the child himself as an observer.
When the problem is attributed to the child's own characteristics, to solve the problem, it is natural to ask the child to make changes, not to change the environment.
And when we attribute the problem to the environment, if we want to solve the problem, we will work the environment, not with the child.
In "The Spring of the Cattle Herding Class," the principal believes that the reason why these children make mistakes is because these children are problem students themselves and are vicious.
Therefore, the principal is dealing with children in the same way as prisoners, and the most common method is to lock them up. As a result, the more oppressive the teacher, the more rebellious the student becomes.
After the new teacher Matthew came, he was actually at a loss. Until he heard an old school worker say this: "All the people say that he has no medicine to save, but in fact he is not." This little pity just needs to be understood. ”
When the old school worker said this, he was lying in bed receiving treatment, and the reason for his injury was because of the prank of "that little pity".
But he still did not attribute the child's mistakes to the child's qualities, did not think that he was incurable, but attributed it to the external situation - the child was not understood.
After that, Matthew firmed up his thinking, "Every heart needs love, it needs tenderness, it needs tolerance, it needs understanding." Every child comes from a place of pure innocence and should always be a treasure cherished by the world. ”
Matthew's expectations of children are not just lip service, he overcame many difficulties and let the children form a choir. At this time, the children no longer play some little tricks, do some pranks, they use their strength to some beautiful things.
How to avoid basic attribution errors
Don't come up and judge your child by quality
Children sometimes feel that they have been wronged or treated unfairly by their families.
If the child is grumpy, cries, and adults will think that "the child's personality is not good", and will not think that it may be that there are grumpy adults in the family, the child has learned this way of dealing with emotions.
Or because parents do not pay enough attention to and meet their children's needs, children are always in a state of anger and dissatisfaction.
If we try everything we can, the child still does not want to learn, we are disappointed, we will say to the child, "You are not born that piece of material."
But we do not reflect on whether the child really does not love to learn, or we think that he does not love to learn. (Don't forget, there's an effect called the "Pygmalion effect," where you think the child is smart, the child will be smart to show you, and if you think he's stupid, he'll be stupid to show you.) ）
We didn't think about whether the child didn't want to learn, whether we let the child learn, not what he wanted to learn, or the way to guide the child to learn, is not very good.
Respond when something goes wrong, not react
In "Spring in the Cattle Herding Class", the child throws ink on the teacher's head, and the mother's first reaction is to say to the child, "You make me ashamed."
The teacher understands the child very well, and he regards the child's emotions as an expression of the child.
He told the mother that the child did not want others to be so close to his mother.
In fact, when a child makes a mistake, it is a good time for us to teach him how to deal with the problem correctly. Blind criticism, and it is easy to directly attack the child's inner in a hurry, which not only cannot teach the child the correct way, but will make the child angry and resentful.
"If children are constantly criticized, they are likely to internalize those criticisms, believing that what their parents say is true, and thus doubting their abilities." ("Give Me Your Hand, Kid")
Don't expect the evaluation of "stupidity, laziness, and deception" to inspire your child to become a smart, hardworking, and honest person.
Attribution also determines the way we treat the world
If we are confronted with the "actor-observer bias" without knowing it, and treat women killed in night running in this way, we will judge it like this:
"If it were me, I wouldn't go out for a run alone at night, it's a game of fate!"
"Running is definitely not much to wear, this is a crime of seduction!"
"A young woman goes out alone at night, too unsafe!"
Unfortunately, these are the real comments of netizens, is not feeling very indifferent.
If we are confronted with the "actor-observer bias" without knowing it, we judge the homeless, the poor, "these poor people are too hardworking" and "these poor people have no fighting spirit". This is how Hong Kong billionaire Tian Beichen judges the poor.
Until he participated in a program of "The Rich and the Poor", experienced the life of the people at the bottom, worked as a cleaner, and only had a few tens of yuan of pocket money every day.
At the beginning of the show, he also optimistically said: "I have always believed in the free market and eliminated a lot of weak people." As long as you have the fighting spirit, the weak can become strong. ”
After some experience, at the end of the show he said, "I work hard every day just to eat a good meal. ”
When we use only internal factors such as personality and quality to explain the plight of rape victims, the homeless, vulnerable and other unfortunate people, we do not sympathize with and tolerate others.
We will focus more on changing the individual than on the social order, and we will perpetuate self-righteousness and social apathy.
Of course, the opposite bias can be just as stupid, such as when people are held accountable for their actions but are not held accountable.
In fact, for all things, there is no such clear truth of causality and responsibility. Without trying to learn more and not getting the lazy guy of the brain to move, it's hard to eliminate attribution biases like the "actor-observer bias."
Resources:
The Human Nature Experiment: 28 Studies Transforming Social Psychology
"Child, Give Me Your Hand"
Social Animals (12th Edition)
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Han Le
Creator of children's stories
Life education practitioner
Interactive topics
Have you ever encountered a "basic attribution error" situation in your life? How did you find out and solve it? Welcome to leave a message with us to share your experience and ideas!