Wen | condensed mother's understanding
Li Lianglei mentioned the "narcissistic personality" in a long article on December 20, not quite sure whether it was born or acquired, and specifically inquired about it.
In Professor Li Meijin's "Psychological Parenting" and the works of many psychologists, there is a consistent explanation, that is, the narcissistic personality is often caused by acquired parenting.
That being the case, as a parent, you should pay close attention to avoid cultivating your child into a narcissistic personality and letting him have a sound personality.
Characteristics of a narcissistic personality
In Practical Internal Medicine, it is mentioned that narcissistic personality is a personality disorder, and the main manifestation is arrogance. Have a sense of superiority that is not commensurate with yourself, and hope to be respected and obedient to others. Desire to be admired and adored, extremely sensitive to criticism and failure.
People with narcissistic personalities tend to make false attributions, put the blame on others, and attract social attention in ways that hurt the innocent, rather than self-reflection.
In 2010, a Zheng Moumou committed murder at the entrance of a primary school, not because the child had a festival with him, but because he did not live a satisfactory life and deliberately endangered society.
Zheng Moumou's work is not smooth, and he does not find the reason from his own ability, but blames the former leader. Feelings are not smooth, do not find reasons from their own ways, but blame a girl who has been pursued.
After holding a grudge against them, they create targeted incidents, increasing pressure on society to blame these two people.
People with narcissistic personalities like to pursue others when developing intimate relationships, but they don't know how to have real relationships.
When pursuing others, they often please others through praise, accommodation, etc. But after arriving, they begin to put their own needs above each other, trying to change each other and let the other party meet their own needs. After the relationship deepened, he began to belittle the other party, using verbal violence, introducing third parties, divorce and other ways to hurt each other.
In fact, in intimate relationships, the narcissistic personality is the beneficiary, but he does not appreciate the other party, but takes it for granted. He doesn't remember the good of others, only the mistakes they made. Therefore, it is difficult to have a harmonious and long-term intimate relationship.
It can be seen that people with narcissistic personalities are not happy themselves and often cause harm to others.
How a narcissistic personality is developed
Narcissistic personality is in the process of growing up, under the influence of the outside world, there is a wrong cognition, a little bit of cultivation. Many parents do not realize that when there is a problem, the child is already an adult and it is difficult to change, so it is especially necessary to understand.
Excessive doting: Parents treat their children as treasures, want to provide the best material support for their children, and cannot bear any grievances for their children. When children have needs, they are always able to get unlimited satisfaction. After the child gets used to it at will, he steps into society and hopes that others will treat him like his parents and respond to every request.
Excessive praise: Parents see their children as geniuses and are often proud of them. Even if the child has a little good performance, he will lose no time in praising "you are so smart", "you are awesome", "you are so beautiful", so that the child mistakenly thinks that he is the best person in the world, always feels good about himself, and likes to listen to beautiful words.
Lack of attention: There are also children who are not coddled but neglected, such as a bad parental relationship or divorce. Without being paid attention to when they need to be pampered the most, the child realizes that he cannot expect others to satisfy him, and can only rely on himself. Slowly formed the ideology of "I love myself", and it is easy to be alone when encountering problems.
Parents are narcissistic personalities: Some parents are very narcissistic in themselves, only concerned about themselves, and even the closest children are ranked below themselves. Children's needs are often ignored, humiliated or attacked, and children will activate self-protection mechanisms, imitate the behavior of their parents, and gradually form habits.
How to avoid raising a child with a narcissistic personality
Psychoanalytic theory holds that the life stage before the age of 5 is a critical stage in personality development.
So, we'd better do a good job of doing a good job before the age of 5 to prevent children from becoming narcissistic personalities.
First, parents lead by example
Parents should check themselves whether they are narcissistic, only care about themselves and do not care about others, and if they are narcissistic personalities, they must make changes. As the saying goes, what kind of person you want your child to be, you have to become that person yourself first.
List some of your own problems, write them on a piece of paper, and recall your childhood experiences, whether you have become narcissistic because of coddling, excessive praise, neglect, etc. Once you've identified the root cause, remind yourself not to continue narcissism.
Learn to care for the people around you and your own children, and you're likely to receive a good reward, and when you've tasted the benefits of loving someone else, you'll continue to repeat the same behavior.
Second, love but not spoil the child
Unconditional acceptance of children and care for children is the responsibility of every parent, but the true love of children is not coddling, but love with boundaries. You should pay attention to the child accordingly, give the child warmth, help the child in time, and meet the reasonable needs of the child.
Make rules for children, let children follow various rules, such as when children want things, they can only ask for one at a time; they want things that can meet the family's financial affordability. You must know how to share with others, and you can't eat alone. Be polite, be grateful, and so on.
If the child violates the rules and has unethical behavior, it should be corrected in time to get the child back on the right track.
Finally, praise the child correctly
Just judging the child with the result, or praising the child with false language, will make the child self-righteous and form a wrong perception.
Praise children, to carry out process evaluation and real evaluation.
For example, praise the child's efforts, let the child know that the result is obtained through their own efforts, and the child will work harder.
For example, praise the child's progress, let the child know that he has more room for development, and will be more progressive.
Children are already growing and developing, and they must praise them in sustainable language.
epilogue
Narcissistic personality is the result of acquired cultivation, affecting the quality of life of children, but also affecting children's future interpersonal relationships and career development, so we must pay attention to avoiding several parenting misunderstandings, give children the correct upbringing, so that children have a sound personality and obtain a lifetime of happiness.
I'm @Gelma Goku
Mother of two boys, more than 10 years of parenting experience
Accompany children to read, English enlightenment, science enlightenment
Share parenting insights and land parenting dry goods
Welcome to pay attention and move forward together on the road to parenting