Dictation: Bi Shumin Text: Fu Yang Produced: Marriage and Family Magazine id: hunyinyujiating99
As soon as Yang Zi's new drama "Female Psychologist" was broadcast, it attracted widespread attention from netizens, and the plot focused on the pressure in people's hearts at the moment, extending the discussion of many hot topics related to social psychology.
This drama is still being updated, but the evaluation has begun to polarize, some people feel that the female psychologist Horton played by Yang Zi is sharp and determined, catering to people's expectations of psychologists, but some people feel that her interpretation is not grounded enough, and the performance traces are too heavy.
So what does a real female psychologist look like in life?
Let's take a look at the woman behind this drama, the author of the novel of the same name, Bi Shumin.
In addition to being a well-known writer, Bi Shumin's other identity is a doctor, and she has been an internist for 20 years. In the preface to the 2007 novel "Female Psychologist", Bi Shumin wrote: "I did not specifically experience this role for the sake of writing a novel, but really saved lives and injuries." When I write, I can't completely shake off the feeling of being a doctor. I will pay attention to people's lives and feel empathy for the hardships of people's livelihood. I can't concentrate all my attention on my own subtle awareness, always feeling connected to everyone. ”
Bi Shumin likes the character of Horton, "I hope to create a female psychologist who works particularly hard, is particularly strong, loves learning, and continues to grow." Although she has many weaknesses and has experienced many traumas in her growth, she still believes in the light of human nature and is still warm and brave to help others, which is my original intention. ”
I think this also speaks to Bi Shumin's voice as a psychological counselor.
For decades, as a day of silent cultivation with a pen, no hype, no rubbing heat, Bi Shumin has directly or indirectly helped countless confused people and families.
The little married family once interviewed Bi Shumin, talking about the topic of marriage, she put forward her own views: after marriage, there will be friction, differences and differences between the husband and wife, but they can solve problems through communication, and the two grow together.
Under the premise of the same mental health and values of both parties, couples should also establish a consensus: we all cherish this marriage.
01
Prevention is better than cure, and mental health is a prerequisite for marital happiness
In addition to my status as a writer, I am also an attending physician and occupational psychological counselor in internal medicine, and I studied with Professor Lin Mengping, director of the Department of Psychology of the University of Chinese, Hong Kong, for many years, and completed the master's and doctoral programs in psychological counseling at Beijing Normal University. In 2000, I opened a psychological counseling organization, Beijing Bi Shumin Psychological Counseling Center.
The experience of being a writer has helped me the most, helping me to paint emotions that the client sometimes can't name precisely at the right moment. He will immediately feel that you understand him, you are his confidant, and feel that you are no longer lonely from this company, so as to slowly breed strength. A visitor once said, "Thank you, I've never had such a caring conversation in my life." ”
After 3 years of running the Counseling Center, I decided to close it. I found my workload too heavy, and I no longer had the time and energy to write books, travel, and nourish my life. The immediate cause is a small couple whose marriage is on the verge of breaking down.
They said, "Remember when the trees first sprouted in the spring, we registered with you for consultation. Now that the leaves on the trees have turned yellow, it's our turn. For more than half a year, we have been under the same roof, but we have no words. The only thing we can communicate is that Bi Shumin Psychological Counseling Center, when will it be our turn? Wait and wait, see you here as the last way to save our marriage. After coming to you, the marriage is indeed not saved, and it is willing. ”
They were neither the most complex nor the most thrilling of the cases I had ever seen, but they made me think about them for a long time. From the look in their eyes about my marital contradictions, I realized that their main problem was not dealing with differences, and that there was a problem with the way they communicated.
For example, the wife thinks: "Since you love me, you should understand what I think, let me say it myself, then it is not love." What I said was what I asked for, how boring! Day after day, my husband felt tired. The wife was even more angry: "When you are in love, why can you understand me and not feel tired?" After getting married, why are you negligent and refuse to spend time on me? ”
Both people feel that they have a reason, can no longer find the beauty and sweetness of marriage, and enter the Cold War, the more they can not see hope and a way out.
I said to them, "People often say that because they love, they understand." 'Knowing' is not taken for granted. The two parties have different families, upbringing, environment, class, education, including the ability to self-reflect and grow, and couples will show differences in various aspects. Significant differences make the incidence of sharp minds rare. Now life is fast-paced, and the long-term riddle between husband and wife is full of danger. You must learn to express your feelings accurately and in a timely manner, and learn to communicate, so that you can understand each other more and more. ”
They agreed, and did some training to express feelings and communication, and through joint efforts, the little couple got back together. Their problems were basically solved, but I fell into contemplation. A consultation lasts 50 minutes, and even if I work overtime, I can receive up to 8 visitors a day. There are only 2,000 people a year, and a person's ability is limited after all.
I closed the "Beijing Bi Shumin Psychological Counseling Center" and decided to use another method to help Chinese the current mental health. I write books about mental health, and a book that can be printed and distributed in hundreds of thousands of copies may be helpful.
If a person's body is often sick, doctors will recommend that patients exercise to strengthen immunity and resistance. In my experience as a physiological doctor, no matter how I treat it, in the end I will find that it is the patient's own resistance that overcomes the disease.
The same is true of mental illness, which has a dizzying variety of clinical manifestations, but in the final analysis, it is all caused by psychological ill health. A person who is basically mentally healthy accepts himself, has the ability to communicate and empathize, and has a basically positive view of the world, then his probability of suffering from serious mental illness will be much smaller. He can also find more solutions when dealing with marital relationships.
Mental health for both parties is a prerequisite for marital happiness. To maintain the beauty of marriage, it is also "prevention-oriented", which can play a multiplier effect with half the effort.
02
Falling in love and getting married is the process of finding each other, but also finding yourself
People often think that falling in love and getting married is trying to find each other. In fact, in this process, it is more important to find yourself. Your entire system of values and ideas is extended and highlighted in this intimate relationship.
Some people put special emphasis on high education when looking for a partner, saying: "If it is not a doctorate, don't introduce me." "People who put high academic qualifications above other aspects are often dissatisfied with their academic qualifications and hope that they have a high academic qualifications."
One girl said, "Boys under 178cm tall don't talk." I asked, "Why?" She said: "I am 168cm tall, and if I wear high heels, I have to be four or five centimeters tall." If the boy is not as tall as me, then I have no face! From the conditions of her mate selection, we can see her "self": one is that she is very narcissistic and especially cares about her own image; the other is that she is not receptive enough to herself, so she especially cares about the evaluation of outsiders.
Many young people often care about some details when they are in love. For example, on birthdays, the other party has not sent 99 roses, do not discuss values, and even many young people are ashamed of communicating the "three views".
Values are not vain, they are embodied in all aspects of life, and all our important choices and decisions are based on our own values. Husband and wife, if one of them thinks that money is very important, is accustomed to being meticulous and saving, and even loses his principles for money. The other side believes that there is friendship and affection that are more important than money, and that there is money in the fight for righteousness and financial excesses. It is conceivable, then, that conflicts between the two sides cannot be avoided.
If one party cherishes friendship in particular, the other party believes that there are no permanent friends in the world, only absolute interests. The party who cherishes the friendship finds that the partner always uses others, and even sets up a pit, it must be unacceptable, and the marriage will light up red. On the contrary, if both people feel that "people are not for themselves, and heaven is damned", although this value is bad, their lives can be lived together.
The concept of "door-to-door pairs" of mate selection has a large market in China today. I have specifically visited Mendang. "Mendang" is a pair of stone piers or stone drums placed at the entrance of ancient buildings. Gates, small doors, chai doors, palace doors... Different levels of doors, to place the corresponding door, the level is strict. Looking for the right partner is to expect that in the same class, they have similar family backgrounds, educational backgrounds, customs and habits, and it is easier to communicate with each other. There is a deeper meaning behind this, there is a sense of determination, and the probability of having similar values with each other is higher.
People often say that couples should be tolerant, many people shout empty slogans, do not know when to tolerate, when not to tolerate, do not grasp the boundaries. I think that any conflict involving values cannot be tolerated, such as the partner's unscrupulous corruption for the sake of profit, and you think that there must be a moral bottom line in life, which must be adhered to. As for small things that do not involve values, such as the wife thinks that the green clothes look good, the husband does not like it, and can be tolerated.
When in love, one is to find people with the same values, and the other is to find people with mental health. There was a boy who courted a girl. The girl refused, saying, "I don't think we fit, I don't like you." "The boy decided to write a lot of blood books to the girl with blood. I personally think this behavior is pathological, have something to say, what blood book to write? Writing blood books at every turn is suspected of blackmail, control, and terror. However, the girl was touched: "He is willing to write a blood letter for me, showing that he loves me so much that he can even live!" ”
However, days are not made of blood, but of day-to-day communication and understanding. After getting married, the girl was in pain, because the boy was not bleeding himself, but was going to make her head break and bleed. The level of marital violence in this case, I now recall some emotions.
I want to remind unmarried boys and girls not to interpret some pathological behavior as romance and love, and not to marry mentally unhealthy people. Height, education, house, hukou are not the most important, if you want to enjoy a happy marriage in your life, mental health is the most important.
03
Marriage cannot transform people, and learning to communicate is the right way
Wishful thinking that marriage automatically transforms people is just a phantom bubble. Many people, especially women, think that marriage can transform their partners. Personally, I think this is wishful thinking and self-defeating.
How can marriage transform people? Unless the man himself is willing to change, but he is not because of you, nor because of marriage, but because of his awakening. In my many years of experience in counseling, all the changes are done by the person's ontology, and the outside world provides at most a helping external cause.
There is a girl's boyfriend who loves to play games, and the girl believes that after marriage, boys will become responsible and responsible. She married without hesitation, but after marriage, the boy still did not go home every day and indulged in Internet cafes. She regretted it.
Even worse, many women decide to have children when their marriages break down. They thought that a child born with a bottle of glue could glue a marriage that already had a rift. The deep psychology of this behavior is: I have passed on the generations of your family, and I have exercised the value of reproduction, so you must cherish me. It would undoubtedly be a tragedy for a woman to be reduced to existing only because she had reproductive value. In modern society, there will be no man who truly respects a woman because she has reproductive value.
As far as I know, for couples whose feelings are on the verge of splitting, the marital relationship will deteriorate even more after the birth of the child. Because of the economic tension, lack of entertainment time, exhausted... All this will make the original contradictions more concentrated and more intense.
I think people must transform marriages. What kind of person you are, you will intervene in the marriage with this spiritual outlook and transform the marriage into your original appearance. The loyal person can only appreciate loyalty, not betrayal. Sincere people can only accept sincerity, not lies. Generous people can tolerate a moment of stinginess, but they don't like long-term stinginess. Cowardly people can pretend to be temporarily brave, but they cannot calm down in endless torture. Therefore, the marriage you imagine, such as the oath of the mountain and the sea, the romance and strangeness, are idealized things. After the honeymoon period, most of them are broken.
I've heard many stories of joy and sorrow and seen a variety of marriages. Under the premise that the mental health and values of both parties are more consistent, we must establish a consensus: we all cherish this marriage. After marriage, we will definitely have frictions, differences and differences, but we can solve problems through communication, and husband and wife grow together.
It is important to develop communication skills. The cultivation of this ability is first of all to be aware of one's own emotions. Some people are unaware of their emotions and are unable to make adjustments in the first place. The environment in which they grew up or the experience they have had made them feel inferior and feel bad emotions, such as sadness, loneliness, and anger, cannot be expressed, and they must be hidden and suppressed.
There was a man, he and his wife Qingmei Bamboo Horse, had a good relationship. After the success of the business, he said to his wife: "You will enjoy happiness at home from now on, I have money to support you!" "He works hard to make money and wants to give his wife the best life possible. But one day he came back from a business trip and found his wife out of love. She had no shame for him and said, "Everything you can think of has happened, do whatever you like!" "I was impressed that the man was smiling all the time as he told the story, and this smile made me creepy.
It turned out that the man's mother was disabled, and his father abandoned the mother and son shortly after his birth. His mother took him and remarried to a fool. From an early age, anyone can bully him. In order to be less beaten, he began to learn to laugh, smiling all the time, and the smile became his mask.
After getting married, he disguised his inner emotions with a smile, unable to establish real communication and communication with his wife, and even smiled into a clever control. For example, when the wife proposes something, he does not agree, but he does not express it, but smiles and does not make a sound, so that she mistakenly thinks that he agrees, but in fact, he uses other methods to obstruct this matter, so that the wife feels that he is fake and disgusted.
After you become aware of your true emotions, find ways to vent them. For example, a partner says, "How can you be so stupid?" You can express your feelings: "I am very sad that you said this, and I hope that you will not do this in the future." Or really put it down: "Stupid and what?" Not everyone in the world is smart. I accept my stupidity, I want the stupid bird to fly first! "Examples hang a thousand leaks, as long as you find, there are many ways to make unremitting efforts for marriage harmony."
Marriage is the most beautiful relationship in the world. Gender, age, experience, educational background, and even two people of different countries and races are united into the most intimate relationship in the world, and they accompany each other through life.
The ideal state of marriage is that no matter how sinister life is, how difficult the journey is, how many storms and storms have been experienced, husband and wife can support each other, understand each other, and have a heart to heart.
For this beautiful goal, please cherish marriage and grow yourself.