"Proper Self-Esteem" - Reading Notes Guide Sharing

This text number is 4344 and the estimated reading time is 10 minutes.

The book shared today is The Right Self-Esteem.

The author is Ristov André, a famous French psychologist, psychiatrist and best-selling author. Born in Montpellier, southern France, he currently works at the Paris-Saint-Anne Spiritual Institute. He is the author of "Meditation", "The Art of Happiness", "Quiet Energy" and so on.

François Lerol, a successful psychiatrist in Both France and the United States. He has authored several psychological self-help bestsellers that have been translated into multiple languages. Ector's Journey to Happiness has sold 2 million copies worldwide.

Believing in ourselves, loving ourselves, and trusting in ourselves all unify to form one of the most fundamental dimensions of our personality: self-esteem. When a person has no self-esteem, happiness cannot be discussed. When a person is always doubting themselves, it is difficult to make good decisions. On the contrary, self-esteem is too strong, and it often feels hurt. Fortunately, all of this is adjustable. This book scientifically does a professional and comprehensive self-examination for self-esteem, telling readers how self-esteem is formed from childhood to adolescence, and how emotional life, partner life, and professional life can have a significant impact on self-esteem. In addition to this, how else does "Proper Self-Esteem" build self-esteem? How to improve self-esteem? What are the main problems with self-esteem adjustment? How to assess self-esteem... Provide specific workarounds.

1

What is self-esteem

Looking around, the self-esteem of everyone in the crowd may be different, some people are narcissistic, some people have low self-esteem, and some people are just balanced. The impact of self-esteem is not earth-shattering, it silently penetrates into many details of daily life, so the meaning of understanding self-esteem lies in recognizing ourselves more scientifically and helping us establish a perfect and independent self-esteem system. Therefore, we need to understand our self-esteem level first.

1. Three pillars

In fact, self-esteem is made up of three "components": self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love. The right combination of the three can make people have the right self-esteem. First, it is self-love, which is unconditional. Whether you act good or bad, there is a voice deep inside yourself telling yourself that you deserve love and respect. Self-love depends heavily on the love and emotional nourishment that comes from the family as a child.

Second, confidence. Self-confidence is the belief that you have the ability to take appropriate action on important occasions. Confidence comes primarily from the homeschooling model and schooling model we accept – through concrete actions, we get feedback and conclude that "we are competent for this" or the opposite. So self-confidence requires action to maintain and develop, and small successes in everyday life are necessary to maintain self-confidence.

Finally, self-view. Self-view is the way we look at ourselves, the assessment of our strengths and weaknesses , whether well-founded or not. In everyone's evaluation of themselves, subjectivity occupies an absolute advantage, for example, a person who is very good in the eyes of others may be a useless loser in his own heart. If one's evaluation and expectations of oneself are positive, it becomes an inner strength that allows one to withstand setbacks and achieve one's highest goals. A person's evaluation of himself mainly comes from the family environment, especially the development goals set by his parents for him. If the parent's expectations are too high, the child's pressure is too high, doubts and uneasiness will make him suffer a blow to his self-esteem later on.

In the past, we had a misconception that a person with particularly strong self-esteem cannot be easily hurt by others. Once you hurt my self-esteem, then I'm going to blow it up, and I'm going to protect my self-esteem. In fact, this may actually be a manifestation of low self-esteem. Therefore, in the process of establishing these three pillars, the most important nourishment comes from feeling loved, and there is also the ability to be.

2. Four types

So, in general, people's self-esteem can be divided into two kinds, one is called high self-esteem, the other is called low self-esteem, what are the manifestations of high self-esteem? For example, the action is very efficient, the ability to do things can persist, thus creating a virtuous circle, he dares to make controversial choices, and after he fails, the speed of recovery is very fast, which is the performance of high self-esteem. People with low self-esteem have difficulty making decisions, and people around him are particularly susceptible to influencing him and giving up easily. There is also the pressure to persist, at the same time, afraid of failure.

For example, in 1671, there was a chef named Valdar, who was a chef who cooked for the prince. One day when he was cooking, he found that he had some bad materials, and he was not satisfied with the food he cooked, what to do? So Valdar, directly stuck a knife in the wall, hit his head against the wall and died, which is a particularly typical manifestation of low self-esteem.

Of course, low self-esteem has the benefit of low self-esteem, he is easily accepted by those around him, and he behaves very humblely. For example, Darwin. Darvin didn't want to be famous, he just concentrated on his own inventions, until one day, someone told him that someone had plagiarized his work and was ready to publish it. He was embarrassed to let his friends help him publish it. Low self-esteem can still make achievements.

For example, people with high self-esteem may be more stubborn, more adventurous, more complacent, etc. High self-esteem and low self-esteem are actually pros and cons. We don't need to be particularly attached to a state of high self-esteem. In fact, self-esteem can be divided into four major types, let's briefly understand.

The first, stable high self-esteem: small influence from the outside world, calm, firm. It is characterized by: low fluctuations in self-esteem levels in everyday situations; little effort to brag about oneself; little justification for oneself in the face of criticism or failure in the face of a small number of disadvantages; and rational listening to criticism.

Second, unstable high self-esteem: susceptible to stimulation and intense response. Characteristics: Self-esteem fluctuates greatly in everyday situations; spends a lot of effort to brag about oneself; defends oneself in the face of criticism or failure in the face of a small number of disadvantages; and treats criticism emotionally.

Third, stable low self-esteem: resignation, unwillingness to take the initiative to express opinions, negative. Characteristics are: self-esteem levels fluctuate very little in daily situations; often in a negative emotional state; emotional changes in the face of external reactions, but rarely affected behavior; and a firm belief that they cannot achieve their personal goals.

Fourth, unstable low self-esteem: self-esteem increases in stages after success, prudence, caution, and efforts to create a better image. It is characterized by: in everyday situations, when encountering success, self-esteem levels may rise; being in a positive and negative emotional state; having emotional changes in the face of external reactions, and adjusting behavior accordingly; and craving social approval, leading to deviations from their personal interests.

2

How self-esteem is built

The origin of self-esteem is related to the origin of self-awareness, and the average child begins to have a holistic sense of self around the age of 8. The love, affirmation and encouragement from parents, the recognition and welcome from peers, the recognition and praise from society, and the evaluation from close friends are all sources of strength that constitute a person's self-esteem.

For example, to learn the type of self-esteem of parents, what type of self-esteem of parents, children can easily learn from them. How others evaluate him will affect how he thinks about himself. In general, the self-esteem level of the eldest son is higher, and the self-esteem level of the youngest son is more stable. Competitive school systems boost the self-esteem of children with high self-esteem and undermine the self-esteem of non-high-self-esteem children.

So what should we do as parents? Self-esteem in children and adolescents is formed in five ways: appearance, athletic ability, popularity among peers, whether behavior conforms to norms (courtesy, self-discipline, etc.), and academic performance. A large number of suicide cases are associated with low self-esteem levels, which is an afterthought statistical result. If children judge themselves and show doubts and complaints, be sure to take it seriously so that they will grow up to seek this kind of social support, such as discussing their difficulties with people close to them, getting useful information or positive emotional feedback.

1. Listen carefully

If your child tells you about his doubts and complaints, we should listen carefully and not rush to comfort and change the subject. For example, some parents hear their children complain and say it's okay, you're great, and your mother has always believed in you. After this kind of talk, the child has nothing to say, and the child cannot express pain. Therefore, after many children reach puberty, they will feel that they cannot communicate with their parents because their parents always do not let their children speak well. Listening means getting the other person to talk more and ask more questions, not to give him more advice.

2, do not rush to intervene

Don't say that the mother helps you to talk, and don't speculate, if the parents speculate about the child, especially if you guess correctly, it will make the child feel more painful. Because the child feels that you are using me as an object of study, and the child will feel that his problem is worthless.

3. Help children establish a self-esteem system

If you don't help your child build a good self-esteem system in childhood, you won't have a chance later. Because he was only willing to talk to you when he was a child. Love is unconditional, but unconditional love cannot help the child to build true self-confidence, he can only find a sense of security, but he does not find a sense of value. The sense of value comes from the improvement of his ability, and the improvement of ability needs to be achieved through education. You have to use unconditional love, coupled with conditional education techniques, so that children can find both a sense of belonging and a sense of security.

3

How to maintain self-esteem

So how do we fix our self-esteem? We know that many diseases are related to self-esteem, for example, depression, mania, mania's self-esteem level is unstable, when he is crazy, he feels that he is the most remarkable, and when he goes down, he can't stand it; there is also a narcissistic personality, which is also a disease; complexes, for example, there is a disease called somatic deformation disorder. Some girls are actually not ugly, but if you have to go to the whole face and cut a double eyelid, she just feels that her eyelids are not good-looking, and she can't accept it. These are all hurts from low self-esteem. Therefore, it is very important to improve your self-esteem. What are the real ways to improve and protect self-esteem?

1. Recognize yourself

Know yourself scientifically with tools like the Johari window. Each of us lives in four windows, and I know that others know it, I know that others don't know, I don't know but others know, I don't know that others don't know. These are the four quadrants that each of us faces. It is generally believed that when a person's "open zone" expands, his self-esteem will increase. Transforming a "blind spot" into an "open zone" requires learning to listen, asking people around you to give you their opinions and thank them. Whether they criticize or praise, do not subjectively deny, but listen to, and corroborate their own behavior for objective assessment.

The main tool for transforming "hidden areas" into "open areas" is self-disclosure, honestly and politely expressing one's feelings and thoughts. Transforming "unknown areas" into "open areas" and encouraging yourself to enter unfamiliar environments and try new experiences are all beneficial. While recognizing ourselves, we must also learn to fully accept such ourselves, be honest with ourselves, and accept the real self in front of us, which is conducive to improving self-esteem, learning to love ourselves, and treating ourselves with a more tolerant attitude.

2. Take action

Self-observation to see if there is a phenomenon of "self-aggression" in oneself – to let go of these critical stereotypes about oneself and discover their existence is the first step. Also, allow yourself to fail. In life, occasional failures are small successes that allow us to spot mistakes, correct them, and add to the next success.

But most importantly, you need to understand that all of this is all about actually taking action, and that action itself is an effective way to achieve self-esteem. Act, get positive feedback, and then self-esteem improves; or act, fail, face failure, act again until success, and then get positive feedback, achieve self-esteem improvement.

3. Improve relationships

To improve your relationship with others, the first thing you have to do is affirm yourself. Understand that you can say "no" without provocation, or you can ask for something without apology. At the same time, think in a different position, so that when you say "yes", when you agree to other people's requests, you know that these are from the heart, not with resentment or full of reluctance to reluctantly accept.

In order to improve self-esteem and improve relationships with others, it is necessary to establish healthy and appropriate social interpersonal relationships. In this way, when we encounter setbacks, encounter troubles, and encounter troubles, we will turn to the people around us for help and look for emotional dependence. This social support will give you two precious nourishments for self-esteem: the feeling of being loved and the feeling of being helped.

4. Change your strategy

If you want to change yourself, here are a few strategies for changing:

Turn a complaint into a goal, such as "I'm not interested in anything" to "I want to generate some interest."

Choose an appropriate goal, such as "Frequently Invite Friends" as a goal instead of "Frequently Invited" (depending on others).

It is carried out in stages, such as between the reality of "I am not satisfied with the current situation of my feelings" and the ideal of "I want to have a loved one", and embedding the concrete steps that can be implemented to "participate in the interaction between friends and colleagues and get to know more about the opposite sex".

5. Seek help for psychotherapy

Sometimes, it is really difficult to regulate self-esteem problems alone, if you are often dissatisfied, depressed, sad, feel powerless, if the failure of the love field or workplace is always recurring, and even your depression, anxiety, alcohol dependence and other problems are aggravating, then seeking psychotherapy may be good for you.