I am an only child, and my cousins and cousins are all only children. But even so, in many cases, I felt, "I'm the least favored kid in the family." My parents didn't love me, my grandmother and grandmother didn't love me, preferring other people. ”
After the birth of my twin boys, I also wanted to be as fair as possible, but my 4-year-old brother still thought: "Mom and Dad prefer my brother." ”
I don't know how this strange cycle of being pampered but not feeling love spreads between you and me?
When I was a sophomore in high school, I Chinese New Year's Eve, and my cousin got into a fight with the extended family. The adults in the family are angry or not angry people persuading the angry people.
My mom and sister-in-law let me and my cousin take care of my grandmother on the side.
Grandma held me in one hand and my cousin in the other. My cousin and I were trying to find words to reassure my grandmother.
Grandma only repeated one sentence in her mouth: "Don't talk about your cousin like that!" She is the only bloodline of our X family, and you two are not surnamed X. ”
My heart trembled, this incident is a cousin's "revenge", obviously she lied, but the grandmother who has always been sensible is still biased: because even girls are different, she is also surnamed X, which is our family.
I know that my grandmother is partial to my uncle, the only son, and the other three daughters are very kind to her, and she also said that everything she can give to her is given to her son, to her daughter-in-law, and to her granddaughter.
It turns out that the preference of the ancestors will be passed down from generation to generation: "I like this son, and I like his granddaughter." ”
My grandmother is also more partial to my uncle, may be more gentle in personality, not as big as my father's temper, even if every time my father loses his temper in front of my grandmother, he actually thinks that my grandfather always lets my grandmother do this and that, tired to grandma.
Of course I also knew that Grandma preferred my uncle's daughter, my cousin's.
But after my grandfather died, he chose to live with our family. I also wanted to be as good as possible to my grandmother, but this preference still made me chill again and again.
Once, when I had an argument with my father over the discipline of my children, my grandmother came to argue: "How to say that he is also your father!" ”
I don't know what kind of madness was at that moment, shouting at my grandmother: "You always say cousins and cousins, they all have people to help with children, they can do their own work, what about me?" Who I have helped, obviously I am the hardest, I am the most tired. I don't go to bed until 4 a.m. and I have to get up at 7 a.m. to take care of the kids, you know? Just under the same roof, who knows? Who cares? ”
Grandma usually likes to say: cousin is busy and tired at work, and cousin has to manage the child's tiredness while reading a doctorate. I have never heard of praising me for not being easy, I know that sisters are not easy, I have a little opinion about sisters, but I feel that under the eyes of my grandmother, I seem to be humble and transparent, and do not exist in general!
It turned out that whether I was a granddaughter or a granddaughter, I was well-behaved and loved to help with things since I was a child, and I didn't worry about my excellent grades, I was not the one who was popular and loved.
I think my parents, if they had a choice, would not only have a boy, but they would also dislike me who had a strange temper and was sullen.
It wasn't until my aunt brought me a box of plasters that I realized: I was wrong for 30 years!
The aunt had just come, and these two days had come again. When he entered the door, he handed me a box of plaster and said, "Your grandmother said that your shoulder hurts so much, my last time that kind of medicine was gone, this kind of medicine is also prescribed by the hospital, you try, it should be good." ”
I was shocked, "Grandma said", she had noticed that I had said a word or two at lunchtime, and her shoulders hurt.
She also listened to my dad say that the plaster that my aunt gave her before, I put it on, but my dad went to the pharmacy and didn't buy it.
My aunt and uncle and my cousins and brothers are very kind to us, and I have always known that. But I didn't think that this kind of goodness was not guided by the education of grandparents?
It wasn't that Grandma didn't love me, and I didn't know how to let go until I was 30 years old.
However, my cousin and cousin grew up in my grandmother's parents since I was a child, and I was more raised by my parents. My cousin would talk to my grandmother for a long time every time, but I was under one roof every day, and I couldn't say a few words to my grandmother, and at most I went to talk to my grandmother about my children through the child.
It is not that we do not love, it is not that we cannot see, but how can our fathers and grandfathers not love us at all?
My twins, the younger brother is lively and sweet, from the sister-in-law at that time to the family, outsiders, are more fond of this always smiling child. And my brother is gloomy and rare, because it is too difficult to bring, since birth, it has always been brought by me personally.
My brother slept with my mom until he was 3 years old. My husband and I felt that we still had a bit of a debt, so when we chose toys or food, we basically let my brother pick first. The younger brother's request will basically be met; the older brother's will be discounted.
But once after I criticized my brother, my brother cried a lot!
I asked, "Do you think I'm biased in favor of my brother?" ”
Unexpectedly, my brother nodded fiercely while crying.
I hugged my brother: "Silly child, you and your brother are both mother's baby, and they are the same criticism for making mistakes. ”
It turns out that the sunny and outgoing brother also has a sensitive and careful mind in the love of his parents.
There is a term in psychology called the "halo effect", which refers to: We can easily use our inherent knowledge and experience to generalize the whole and the point to the general. It's like the halo blurring that occurs when the moon is enveloped by a halo.
There is a saying in the fairy tale "The Little Prince": "What is really important is invisible with the eyes." ”
We look at the relatives in front of us, like my brother looking at me and criticizing him, like I look at my grandmother who didn't mention that I was hard and I wasn't easy, but I didn't have the heart to feel it.
Love can be seen with the eyes, and it is even more important to feel with the heart!
Jiang Wen said in a variety show: "I am usually a person who is not confident. ”
Can direct and act, is not only a film emperor, but also a best director, a person with a happy marriage, but says that he is not confident.
When asked about the reason, it turned out that he had never received his mother's affirmation and always wanted to prove himself to his mother.
When I was a child, I used my grades to prove that I was admitted to the Central Academy of Drama, and he thought that my mother should praise me. Who expected the mother to only say: Your clothes have not been washed.
Growing up, he bought a big house for his mother. The mother did not go to live, living in her own little broken house.
He always wanted to win his mother's favor! Even once, even for a moment!
The writer Sanmao has a tearful family letter written to her father: "The greatest sorrow in my life is not that I have not earned the whole world, but that you please appreciate me." ”
My father's reply was equally touching: "I am proud to have a grass like you around me." ”
Sanmao said: "I have waited for this sentence for a lifetime, until you said it yourself, that it erased the inferiority and weakness of my heart that I can never erase at home." ”
We all want our parents, grandparents, grandparents and grandparents to say more affirmation, we think that is love or pet!
In fact, ten fingers are not generally thick, deviations will always exist more or less, but I believe that the essence is all love us!
"Abandoned Pine Nuts" is a somewhat depressing movie.
The heroine likes to make a grimace at her father since she was a child, because only then will her father pay a little attention to her; when she grows up, she continues to curry favor with people who are only a little good to her, even if he is a student of a thief, even if she knows that she is using her boyfriend, even if she is betraying her partner, she tries her best to let them "like themselves a little, like themselves a little more."
She went from being a teacher to being a mistress, becoming a bathroom girl, killing people, having children out of wedlock, abandoning herself, and giving up on herself.
Every time Matsuko pleased, people were distressed: "Obviously very cute, why do you have to make a grimace?" ”
Whether the grandparents and fathers spoil themselves or not, please put it down and let it go! Let go of yourself, let go of the past!
Isn't it better not to resent, not to please, to live well?
Shakespeare once said, "Self-doubt is a traitor." We can take the initiative to fight back with the suspicion of others, but self-doubt always inadvertently consumes our original ambition. ”
So don't doubt that you are not good enough, I am not RMB, how can everyone love me!
In "Knowing Or Not", Old Master Sheng has always favored the concubine Lin Xiaoniang and her daughter Mo Lan. Because he was also out of the house, his mother and he were bullied.
After becoming an adult, he wants to use his own strength to protect Lin Xiaoniang and Mo Lan, and many times it is obviously biased.
Is he protecting concubines and daughters?
No, it's not!
He was protecting himself as a child, and his own mother.
But is this kind of education for children, for families, for children's next generation, and good?
Of course it's very bad!
As a parent, if you have multiple children, please weigh the scales of kindness. Don't learn from that sheng old man again, be careful and cautious in everything, but the family is paternalistic, and finally the family is restless.
After more than 30 years of life, I can also see clearly, why don't my grandparents love us?
Remember: you're not the unpopular kid!
If you can't change it, just let it go! Love yourself and love your children, but you can also harvest love and affirmation!
(Some of the pictures are from the Internet, the copyright belongs to the original author)