The greatest success of boys' education is to "de-mother" step by step in the heart
Teaching a child to be independent is better than teaching him to be the first.
Visionary parents know how to separate their children from our lives, and the sooner this separation is, the more successful the education.
Author | Coke Mama
The other day, I had dinner with a few old classmates.
One of the old friends also brought her five-year-old son, Tong Tong.
But after a while, we discovered:
In the matter of sticking to his mother, Tong Tong is really a little overwhelming.
The mother wants to go to the toilet, the child follows to the door, the mother and son are one inside, the other is outside, and they also have to pull their throats to ask and answer;
The mother sat on the seat to eat, Tong Tong was next to her, asking her mother to pour water for a while, calling her mother to pick up the dishes for a while, and other aunts couldn't do it for them;
Even when her mother got up to pour a glass of juice, Tong Tong followed behind her like a little tail.
In this regard, the old friend was distressed:
"My son, I can't wait to stick to me like a plaster all day long: the first thing I do when I come home every day is to shout 'Mommy', and if I'm not there, then the quasi-guarantee is to ask my father 'Mom'."
You say, he won't be a mommy boy when he grows up, right? ”
After listening, everyone laughed.
But laughing and laughing, I still comforted her:
"It's okay, after all, Tong Tong is only five years old, no matter how clingy he is, he is very cute.
If he were twenty-five years old and still like this, it would be terrible! ”
As the psychologist Freud said:
"Boys are born with some degree of 'Oedipal complex'.
At the age of 3-6, it is normal for boys to become attached to their mothers.
But after the age of 6, the boy also shows excessive attachment to the mother, which may affect the normal development of the child's psychology and cause an immature personality. ”
Therefore, gradually achieving "de-mothering" is the task that visionary mothers must complete in boys.
A surge of maternal love
It was the cage that trapped the boy
I once saw an animated short film called "Umbilical Cord", although it was only 6 minutes, but it left a deep impression on me:
Reluctant to separate from her son, the mother prevented the doctor from cutting the umbilical cord between mother and son.
In the beginning, the umbilical cord was a tool for mothers to protect their sons:
When the son stepped on puddles, scribbled and fiddled with the socket, the mother could always find out the first time and drag the son back to her side through the umbilical cord.
But gradually, this umbilical cord became tighter and tighter, becoming a torture instrument that deprived his son of his vitality:
When peers play and play freely, because of the umbilical cord held by his mother, the son can only stay at home.
When her son grows up and wants to start a new life, her mother can't help but take her son away from the girl she likes.
The son, who lost his freedom and choice, became a puppet of his mother little by little.
Until one day, the mother passed away and the umbilical cord was finally cut, but the son fell into a huge confusion and panic.
After all, that pervasive maternal love has long trapped him all his life, making him unable to find an outlet.
Writer Yin Jianli once said:
"The mother's love for her child should be long and full, but her participation in the child's life must be diminishing.
A flood of maternal love, like a flood, is no longer the energy rushing in the riverbed, but the destructive force and disaster. ”
Mothers who are reluctant to leave the field help their children withstand the wind and rain, but they also block the sunlight necessary for growth.
One mother cried to an expert: "Why is my carefully cared for child now in his 20s weak and incompetent?" ”
The expert asked her:
"The first time the child washed the dishes, it made a mess, and since then, have you never let the child near the kitchen?"
Mom nodded, and the expert asked again:
The first time the child folded the quilt, he folded it backwards, and later, did you help him fold it and never let him do it again? ”
Mom admitted it again.
The expert then asked:
"When your child chooses a major and looks for a job, do you arrange everything for him again?"
Mom was shocked, and it was.
Finally, the expert said seriously:
"A mother's love makes the child obsessed, but the mother's excessive love will make a boy grow up, making him stay in the state of a little boy forever."
In fact, every child, especially boys, needs to meet two psychological needs for growth:
One is the need for achievement, which requires parents to let go and let their children explore the world on their own and understand what everything in the world is all about;
The second is the need for victory, only when children defeat their parents can they have the opportunity to step into a broader world.
And those children who have not been met these two needs naturally do not have the courage to ride the wind to 90,000 miles.
A giant baby that keeps milking
Destined to not be able to have happiness
There is a word in psychology called "weaning":
It refers to the process of children gradually getting rid of the guardianship of parents or other guardians and forming an independent personality during their growth and development.
And a person's life often has to experience two weaning:
The first time is physiological weaning, after weaning, the child will still live under the protection of his parents with an attachment mentality;
The second is psychological weaning, which means that a child has moved from naivety and dependence to independence and maturity.
But if a child is an adult, he cannot do psychological weaning, he will be biased towards these two extremes.
Or a "giant baby" who does not grow up alive:
For example, Huang Ziling, who has recently been frequently on the hot search.
Not long ago, a girl anonymously broke the news that when she was a 17-year-old underage girl, she was sexually harassed by seniors in the entertainment industry and took nude photos.
Subsequently, Taiwanese host Huang Ziling took the initiative to come out and claim it, admitting that he had sexually harassed and taken nude photos.
However, in order to divert the focus of public opinion and change from a "perpetrator" to a "victim", Huang Ziling not only exploded the black material of insiders, but also pointed at his biological parents:
said that he would cheat because when he was 10 years old, he saw his mother cheat with other men in the hotel.
He has reached the age of knowing the destiny of heaven, and when something happens, his first reaction is to dump the blame on his parents.
Such a person is a typical giant baby.
As teacher Zeng Qifeng said:
"A giant baby means that an individual, physically developed into an adult, mentally retains infant-like thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
They cannot predict how their words and actions may affect others.
On an interpersonal and social level, love cannot be given or enjoyed. ”
Or live as a numb "vampire".
There is such news:
In Weifang, Shandong, an old grandmother in her seventies, braved the scorching heat and ran around the streets.
In order to find a job for his forty-year-old son.
It turned out that for more than 20 years, his son has not worked, except for sleeping every day is playing games, and has been living on his grandmother's pension of only 3,000 yuan.
On weekdays, Grandma is reluctant to even buy meat, and she has to allocate part of the money to buy game equipment for her son.
Such sons are not unique.
Like tarsal maggots, they lay on their elderly mothers, sucking blood from their shriveled breasts again and again.
But always, I can't really grow up.
Give the best love to boys
It is to gradually achieve "de-mothering"
No matter how reluctant we are, there will always be a day when children will grow up, they will let go of the little hand holding us and stride into their own world.
And as a mother, the best gift to give boys is to slowly withdraw from their lives.
Before the boy turns 18, there are four important moments that must be remembered to "de-mother":
At the age of 7, he "went to his mother" in life and learned to take care of himself
In the variety show "Youth Says", a boy complained that he was tired enough to study every day, but his mother still let him do housework all day.
But the boy's mother firmly stated:
"It doesn't matter how much college you ask or how many languages you speak, I want you to be an independent and responsible pure master."
Seeing this, I can't help but praise this mother's parenting concept.
Early studies have found that those children who lack self-care ability are often very dependent on their parents, and when they grow up, these children generally lack a sense of responsibility and weak willpower.
As the saying goes, if you don't take care of yourself, it's hard to stand on your own.
Quitting housework and allowing sons to learn to take care of themselves is the first step to help them go to happiness.
At the age of 10, learn to "go to mother" and learn self-discipline
In the eyes of outsiders, Korean writer Lee Yoo-nam is a well-educated teacher, as long as it is the class she is responsible for, she can always get the first place.
But surprisingly:
Such a mother who is good at teaching and educating people has raised a pair of "waste" children who only know how to eat, sleep and play games.
In fact, Li Liunan's son was also a "perfect child" in the eyes of others:
Ranked in the top three in the school, talented, and a student leader.
But behind the excellent, there is another law controlled by his mother:
From childhood to adulthood, the son must study according to Li Liunan's arrangement, do the homework that his mother has to do by himself, go to cram school that his mother thinks is good, and read the books prescribed by his mother...
However, the self-discipline that is forced out is never really self-discipline, and when the pressure from the outside world disappears, it is the moment of collapse.
Therefore, in the face of children's schooling, what we need to do is not coercion, command, or inducement.
Instead, lead by example, read more books and play less on mobile phones on weekdays, and guide children to find answers when they encounter difficulties in learning.
At the age of 14, he "went to his mother" in social life and learned to adapt to society
The Little Prince writes:
"The deepest human emotions, from the greatest joy to the deepest pain, stem from relationships.
A person's ability to deal with various relationships and get along with others directly affects the quality of life and work efficiency. ”
In the TV series "Disappearing Child", Yuan Wu, who came from a prestigious school, is a child who does not know how to deal with various relationships.
Before going to college, in order to let her son concentrate on his studies, his mother did not allow Yuan Wu to make friends;
When he arrived at the university, according to Yuan Wu's description and his first impression, his mother asked him to get close to this and stay away from that, and even taught him how to please the teacher and how to deal with the problems during the interview.
But when his mother died unexpectedly, Yuan Wu was suddenly beaten back to his original form:
He was timid and cowardly, afraid to deal with people.
At work, he didn't even say a word, and he was miserably rejected by colleagues and superiors.
So, if you really love your child, don't interfere too much with his social interactions.
Instead, he should be taught as early as possible the ability to adapt to society and deal with the world.
This is the vision of parenthood and an unshirkable responsibility.
At the age of 18, he "went to his mother" in money and learned to be independent
Some media once interviewed Dong Mingzhu: "How many billions of family property have you left to your son?" ”
Unexpectedly, Dong Mingzhu said in a loud voice:
"My son does not rely on me, everything he wants, he will strive for it himself."
And that's exactly what happened.
After his son became an adult, Dong Mingzhu did not give him any special treatment:
After graduating from the University of Political Science and Law, his son did not ask his mother to take over, but seriously prepared for the law examination.
Working for many years, he has been living in a rented house, driving a car of more than 100,000 yuan, and has never told anyone that his mother is Dong Mingzhu.
In fact, the highest state of loving children is not to escort them for a lifetime, but to watch them go on their own stage.
After all, all love in the world is for togetherness, and only parental love points to separation.
The sooner you realize this, the higher your child will be able to fly in the future.
The documentary "The Story of the Fox" tells the story of how a pair of foxes in love gave birth to the next generation and survived the difficult winter.
In the spring, the mother fox gave birth to five cute little foxes.
Under the careful care of Mom and Dad, the little foxes gradually grew up.
Until one early autumn morning, the mother fox led the children to the depths of the prairie as usual.
Finally, we stopped at a lush grassy place.
The mother circled the children twice, and then, without looking back, she ran into the distance without looking back, never looking back...
It turns out that in the world of foxes, once the little foxes master the skills of survival, their mother will ruthlessly "abandon" them and let them live independently.
And this is not a kind of parenting wisdom.
Give it a thumbs up and hope that our boys can run towards a beautiful, free future in the eyes of their parents' blessings.